timelapse

Yoomie's Diary Blog. ♡

[peyoon]

Goodbye, my one and only.

This might not be the best moment to send this sorta thing, but I'm afraid it is time to do so.

For so long I've thought that I was going to be able to handle it, the truth. I hoped for the best and clinged into a hopeless case of a one-sided love as my only resource of strenght. Only to realize now, that I'm nothing but alone, and if that wasn't enough, I'm dying too. My cancer has spread to other areas of my body, the treatment has not been working, only making it worse, to be fair. It's time for me to say my farewells. First than anything, I want you to know that it's not your fault at all. It was never your fault to begin with, and I hope you know it. All this time I've been trying to send messages comfortably with cheerful topics, but in reality everything has been rough. I keep on fainting, coughing blood out of nowhere. Not even my dad can be calm, he can't even get enough sleep these days. The doctors have given up on me already, and so did I. That's why, I'm moving in to Busan, near the beach, to at least be able to enjoy my last month of life near a place I've always wanted to be in. Don't worry though, if you still want to keep in touch by that time, I'm still able to go in my computer these days and type for some time. I'm just not able to hold my phone for long periods of time, or do things like holding my guitar like I used to, play around... It still seems unrealistic to me, but I've had to get used to the reality since it's already there. It's weird to think about the amount of things I wanted to do as soon as I grew up, and now that I'm an adult the only things I'm able to do is to lay in bed the whole day and eat light meals. Motivation is no longer a word that I can recognize easily. Two weeks ago I'd wish time hurried its way up so I'd be able to talk a little bit more with you, but today I'm just staring at the roof without any emotion. Before I was even brave enough to send the first message, I went through your personal tag, which is why I apologized in the first instance. I'm sorry that you got heartbroken, and I'm also sorry that you're yet not able to get over a relationship that mattered a lot to you, I can sincerely understand that feeling just now. You deserve to be loved, even if you can't express your feelings very well, but you have them deep inside of you, just as livid as anyone else. You're still young, and I know that I'm not exactly much older than you (well, in SK I'd be 21 in October, but who cares) but I shall let you know that there are things more important than love itself. You still have a long way to go, dreams to achieve, and even when you feel hopeless and worthless, I want you to know that there's someone who believes genuinely in you, and that's me. I'd talk in behalf of anyone else who's friends with you, but I don't know their mind. I knew it wasn't the right time to ask for an opportunity to be loved by you when I did ask, but I felt that time kept on hurrying me up. Certainly, I didn't know there was so little time left when I asked. I'm now relieved that we did not go any further, since the news would have hurted you. I don't think I'd have been able to forgive myself if that was the case. Even when I got hurt by some of your comments, when I saw you getting hurts by others, frustrated at yourself, giving me short answers, I still did want to be beside you. Well, not to play fool, I still do, but it's no longer healthy for any of us. My head is in pain right now, but I'll try my best to write down all I've ever wanted to say. I know that we both went through really hard times, and almost experienced the same sort of emotional pain when it came to our families, so I think I can talk about it comfortably. There are times when you get upset at your director and let them win over you by not going to school or just giving yourself a hard time due to the same reasons. You'll learn to handle it on your own, but I know that you know better than that right now. You know, all this time I've had to deal with criticism from all sides. At first it was my family, then even my co-workers would make certain comments that would make me go mad. One day I even had to hide in the corner of the stairs because I couldn't keep myself together, so I ended up crying. Thankfully no one saw me and I was able to go back to work like nothing happened. Still, I was so frustrated because I was doing my best at work, even working overtime to get everything done while the rest of the employees would leave everything behind without having anyone behind their backs the whole time. But I can tell you something for sure, I always did as they asked me to, and I let them walk on me as if I didn't have any dignity. I didn't have it back then, but as I started to work in different companies and analyzed each of my bosses, I've come to notice that people on higher positions grow to be straight up fools, not to say any cuss word. So don't take it personal, they're so used to having control of everything and giving orders that for them doing rude things it's just a daily thing. But you, love, will be able to go through all of this even if it seems like it's impossible. I can assure you that. And even if you don't feel like you can deal with it, I'll be there to give you the strenght you need, even if you don't see me around anymore. At least I've been able to sleep in the afternoons, since I keep on dozzing off due to medication. My legs are giving up most of the time too, so I've started to walk funnily. I've still tried to ignore the pain, but it's still there, bothering me. Even if you no longer reply to this message, I will fully understand, as I wouldn't know what to reply if I were you. I'll still make sure to send you lots of pictures of the beach once that I get there, though. I've wanted to become a singer ever since I was little, but as I grew up I also noticed that I didn't really crave attention so I ended up wanting to become a music producer, not only to produce my own music in the comfiness of a room, but to be able to let other musicians share their music too. It's a shame that wasn't meant to happen. Still, thanks to your charming little emoticons, deep conversational skills, adorable smile and overall an amazing existence, you managed to get within the  rotten walls of my feelings, and that motivated me to write songs these days, after not being able to write songs for years. It's really the only thing that makes me want to wake up after dozzing off for 12 hours in a row. So I'm deeply thankful, once again. I'll be more likely working on these songs and taking pictures of the beach for the rest of the month, so hopefully you'll get to hear them before the time comes as they're made for no one but you. Hmph... I remember one week ago I'd have considered that one phrase "If you really love someone, you need to know how to let go" and I wanted to let you go for the same reasons, but now it just turned out to be like this and I thought it's funny the way life sneaks up on you. My eyes are getting heavy once again and I'd save this as a draft just like the other two that I've written down, but since I keep on changing my words all the time, I'll just send this one, as this is the one in which I've expressed myself the most. If you will remain quiet, I'll just end this note thanking you for everything. Thank you for existing, for allowing me to feel love at one point of my life, for being here right now, for unknowingly teaching me so many things, for playing games with me at ungodly hours when I was depressed... For never giving up on me, and giving me words of strenght when I was not able to hold myself together. I love you, I really do. And I wish that you live a long, meaningful and healthy life, in which you'll achieve every single dream you've wanted to. I hope that you never isolate yourself too much as it's really painful, and I don't want for you to be hurt by any means. I hope that you find yourself in a healthy relationship at the right time with someone who is loving towards you and will take care of you the way they'd take care of their parents. Also, someone who likes cats as much as you do, since they're a very important part of your life. And finally, I wish health for your family and those who matter to you, and that everything gets sorted out so you don't ever doubt about your worth. You really are a wonderful person, the love of my life, and the best mother your cats could ever have. Oh! Before I forget about it, I've been tagging some things for you on my main tumblr account as "k" so feel free to see them. Most of them are cats. It's really time for me to get going now. I would like to promise that I'll be around to update you on anything, but it's no longer something that I can have for sure. I'll assure you though, you'll get to hear those songs one day. Even if I can't finish them, I'll make sure that my closest friend works on them so you can have them. Please be safe out there, Stay out of trouble and be kind to people.

Your weird half-korean friend, Park Yoon Ah.

[peyoon]

지수 (•ө•)♡

기사입력 2017.05.23 오전 11:02 글자 작게보기글자 크게보기 ㅎㅎ “사사로운 이득 위해 적법절차 무시…국민주권주의·법치주의 훼손” “권력 남용·사익 추구·문화계 지원배제·재벌 유착” 지적 ㅠㅠ 임순현 강애란 기자 박근혜 전 대통령을 구속기소 한 검찰은 이번 사건을 ‘최순실과 공모한 권력 남용 및 국정농단, 사익 추구, 문화계 지원배제, 재벌유착 사건'으로 규정하고 향후 재판 과정에서 혐의를 철저히 입증하겠다는 입장을 밝혔다. 서울중앙지검 특별수사본부 소속인 이원석 특수1부 부장검사는 18일 오전 서울중앙지법 형사합의21부(김세윤 부장판사) 심리로 열린 박 전 대통령 재판에서 모두진술을 통해 이같이 말했다. 검찰은 “박 전 대통령 등 피고인들은 사사로운 이익 취득을 위해 적법절차를 무시하고 국민주권주의와 법치주의를 훼손했다"며 "사건 실체가 명명백백히 알려지도록 입증에 최선의 노력을 다하겠다"고 말했다. (๑´ڡ`๑) 검찰은 또 공정하고 신속한 재판이 이뤄지도록 협조하고 피고인의 절차적 권리도 보장될 수 있도록 하겠다고 덧붙였다.  특히 검찰은 "이 사건에 대한 국민적 관심과 역사적 의미를 절감하고 법령이 정한 절차에 따라 일체의 예단을 배제하고 법과 원칙에 따라 철저하게 증거에만 입각해 수사했다"며 "검찰과 특검이 확보한 방대한 증거를 세밀하게 검토한 결과, 피고인들에게 공소사실과 같은 위법행위가 있다고 판단해 기소했다"고 설명했다.  지수… 사람이다 ♡

[peyoon]

깊은 생각 05 / 22

It’s early in the morning, 5AM to be detailed. 

Just like yesterday, I haven’t been able to sleep at all. Literally, my eyes have been open since yesterday morning, and I’m still not sleepy at all. I even wondered if listening to the same playlist on shuffle 3 times already could be a little too much, but it’s so comforting to listen to it.

I made a playlist called 3AM portraying the emotions I get at such hours, and most of them are beloved ballads and instrumental audios. Then I made another one called YoonPE which is full of dancing songs just in case I actually feel sad from listening to these songs. There seems to be some sort of connection between me and those songs early in the morning, when I’m not able to fall asleep, that my eyes start to get teary at one point, yet I don’t feel sad, they just come out. I even asked myself if I’m able to feel anymore. But it’s there, deep inside, that one love that I’ve promised to bury. It’s a promise, I shall keep it then.

When I Was Young is a really good song, Tae always knows how to sing everything for it to be too emotional, and I love that. Even though lately I’m really into OOHYO, as mentioned before. I honestly imagined her face to look completely different than what it actually does look like, but I’m so enchanted by her voice that I’m really no one to judge. 

I’m typing these words lazily from my laptop, but I feel like there’s something that I need to get rid of, even if I don’t quite know what it is. 

I’ve been inside my room with enough supplies to survive for some time since yesterday, and no one seems to have noticed that I’m actually here. They’re all on their own world, minding their own business. I didn’t even have dinner, nor breakfast, and no one seems to have noticed that either. I’m on my own, with a huge bottle of water and cookies. At least when I was living with my mom I could walk freely around the house -as it was way smaller too- and it didn’t bother me. But now that I have my own room, the liberty to stay in here as I please, and there’s plenty of people in the house who will look down on me and make plenty of questions as soon as I get out, I think that I found my comfort zone to be within this 4 walls.

Earlier, around half an hour ago, my previous team leader messaged me asking how was I doing. He still doesn’t seem to be used to the different timezones but knows for sure that I’ll be awake at this hour, which is hilarious. I said I was fine, as always, even added some random emojies to express how fine I am. He told me to ask for some friends to come over and talk with me, so I could fall asleep, I had to explain it was 5AM and inviting people over would be insane. Entertaining though, somehow. So we kept going back and forth on it, until I actually started to think who would I bring over only to realize that I no longer have any friends. He’s the only person I talk to these days, there’s literally no one else. I’ve isolated myself to the point of no longer answering anyone’s messages. Uninstalled all the social media apps, except from Twitter as I need to get entertained at night. I hate it. I don’t hate not having friends, but I dislike being like this, to make myself suffer this way even when it could be completely different. That’s what I hate, really.

In reality, I think that my emotions are like a bulb. When it gets too hot —in emotional terms, having people worry about me, actually having friends, being in good terms with myself— it tends to turn itself off or just straight up burns. So I stop caring about everything else and enjoy it, but somehow end up hurting people due to this state of mentality, and I get drawn again to a cold place where the bulb starts to work perfectly fine once again and that’s when my actual feelings come in and I isolate from anyone, care about what other people think of me, and become over-emotional yet again. If I can’t even understand myself properly, how can I expect from anyone else to do so?

Sometimes I feel like I drain people’s energy just to feel a little better, so it’s better to stay away than to make things worse. Going to the psychologist was supposed to help me, but I think I’m just getting bad again.

This is so depressing. Please help me.

I just wish I wasn’t here, alive.

[peyoon]

깊은 생각 05 / 21th.

Some people say that listening to sad music while being on your own at night will make you even more depressed, but it works just fine with me. Being able to actually pay attention to the lyrics and enjoy every single instrument within the song, it’s enjoyable at one point.

Yesterday I finally saw my psychologist, I have a new appointment with her on Tuesday at 7PM, which is nice since I’m able to open up more when it’s nighttime. I even thought about bringing her some snacks since last time I made her skip lunch by accident. But isn’t it some sort of “breaking the rules” stuff? I read somewhere that they work under the ethics of never getting involved with their patients and so on. Eh, I guess I just get excited when I meet new people after a long time, so I should behave. Hmmm, we talked about plenty of things, really. We touched topics such as my mom’s abuse, my current lifestyle, my anxiety attacks… She said we have a lot to work on, but she seems to have some hope on me, something that no one has had since quite a few years already. Not even myself.

Right now I’m listening to Perhaps Maybe by OOHYO. Her voice really is something else, maybe there aren’t a lot of high notes on her songs but it’s just… So relaxing to listen to her songs at midnight. Her lyrics are pretty good too, it’s a shame that she isn’t well known in these areas.

I can’t find the point to write much these days but she said that I needed to let things out of me whenever I felt like it was becoming a burden, so here it is. Still, I don’t think I’m getting anything from this. So I’ll just end it up.

[peyoon]

깊은 생각 05 / 8

It's been a while, right? Since I last wrote something here. I've been full of thoughts lately even though I take no action on any of them. Not even the smallest grip of motivation has gotten me in the move yet I'm still complaining this much, without trying. I guess when we're tired of dealing with the same type of problems it's a norm to get used to ignore it and just move on with your life, yet it bothers me for so long. My lungs aren't working as greatly as before so I can't even go for a walk when my insomnia strikes without feeling like I could have a heart failure. I wish I was able to reach for some professional help even though I'd get told the same as before, but it's better than just hearing the silence. Feelings of loneliness are not bad when there are things you can get distracted with, that's why I wanted to get a job, but at the same time it is terrifying, just thinking of such crowded places. It won't be the same as before, that's for sure. I will not be able to speak as calmly as I did before and I'm not going to get compliments on my hard work cause I simply can't do a hard work anymore even if I try my best to. I know this kind of mindset is just going to get me feeling worse, but what is a sick person like me supposed to feel like? Having a facade that makes you look as happy as anyone else in public works fine but why do I have to keep on going with this even after all these years? Am I not allowed to be depressed and angry at myself sometimes? People will try to cheer you up saying things like "It will get better", "You only have to believe in yourself" sure thing. A little kid would trust your words but, as an adult, I can tell that believing in yourself is the success to nothing. Indeed, the best things that have ever happened to me was because I didn't trust in myself. Nowadays I find myself staring at the roof at ungodly hours such as 4am. There are days when it goes a little bit further than that. Nothing works anymore to fall asleep. Some people would say it must be great to be awake at night so you can work at that time on anything without having people complain about it must be great, and I thought about it too sometime, but now that it's happening it's just straight up horrible. Like a nightmare but the difference it's that it's actually happening and will not disappear just the morning after. It will keep on going, until it either drives you insane or makes you a drug addict. It's rough, I wake up sweating too. Some days, I even have a nosebleed at exactly 2am, and it will last for half an hour, just like today's nosebleed. It isn't painful but it makes you think, and you also get used to have toilet paper near your bed in case it actually never stops for once. There are things that I'd never wish happened to someone, and this is overall one of them. "All you need is a partner who'd help you get through it" I hear way too often from people whom I live with. No, I need no partner, because I don't want to be selfish in this situation. I can't hurt someone's feelings just because I wanted to use them to cure myself. That's highly unfair. I wish things were different, every single day of my life. One day even, I hoped that I was able to get the motivation I need to keep on going. But my only one motivation often suffers because of other people and keeps on getting further away from me.

[peyoon]

[peyoon]

It's always the worse when you're trying your best to care for people yet they still would say things like they have no one who can listen to them...

[peyoon]

2017년04월22일

Hello, it is I.

Lately I don’t feel like typing at all but I have to get many things out of me.

Following my most recent post, there’s a man I like. He used to be my supervisor not too long ago but since we met we’ve been nothing but close friends. He’s got the kind of features I like in someone, clear skin, brown eyes, straight hair, thin… He’s also very open minded and takes care of me properly. Overall, he’s just a sweetheart towards me. Only deal here is, he’s married. Not exactly married but he’s living together with his current partner and has a cute little kid so it feels like married. We met almost one year and a half ago, I used to work as a data analyst inside of laboratory and he was in charge of QA. Even if such a friendship seemed difficult, we happened to meet each other and got along just fine. As time went by, he started to invite me over for lunch or would get me sweets because he knew I liked them the most. Weeks went by before I knew he was already dating someone, and that he also had a kid. He’s young too, only 24. Not quite sure but I think his girlfriend is the same age as me, so it’s even funnier. Back then we would talk a lot, until everyone on floor started to make up rumours about us dating and those rumours reached to his girlfriend. He got a hard time due to this nonsense and (as if he didn’t have enough problems already) his girlfriend started to go into psycho mode and started to be very jealous about him. I intended to talk with her and make everything clear but that just couldn’t happen. There was a time when I had to quit my job due to my mom’s health, and then I stopped talking with him because my mom didn’t like him at all. For our sake, I had to do it.

Months after, I quit my second job as an UHG advocate, and I went back to this company because I figured out I enjoyed it the most. There were employees who made my job less awful and overall I just really liked my job in there. I got a new, higher position, which was the warehouse’s in charge. Everything was going fine until my manager explained to me that my new boss was going to be this man. He even smirked while letting me know, and then he left the room just to let us talk alone. It was quite awkward, I can recall, and I was on a merely-proffesional mindset so I didn’t do any small talk with him. Asked anything job related and I wouldn’t talk about anything else at all. This went on like that for months, and our relationship as boss-employee didn’t get any better. I allowed for my feelings to come in between my job so I wasn’t doing well at all back then. One of those shifts, when I had to work until very late in the morning, we had just enough time to talk things out. And so we accepted that we missed each other. From then on, we started to talk casually just like that. He would tell me everything about his girlfriend and how well his kid has grown up. When he was in a better mood, he’d even joke about all the things he’s learned in those months we didn’t talk at all.

When I was diagnosed lung cancer, my doctor recommended me to quit my job since I was surrounded by an environment that could affect even further my lungs, so that’s when I quit on this company once again, without telling anyone. I just disappeared one day, and the only two people who knew about me were my closest coworkers whom I rented a small room with. After two weeks of not going to the company, I wrote him a letter explaining my whole situation, and asked for my friend to give it to him. I never got any reply, he never texted me on Skype, and he also didn’t have my new phone number so of course he didn’t reach me that way either. I felt lonely, because I got used to talk with someone daily and suddenly not even my friends would be there. At the same time, I was so used to be alone that I didn’t care once that I thought about it deeply. Instead, I liked for it to be that way, so that I couldn’t hurt anyone. As I was running out of money, I had to go to the company. The manager knew already about my condition since he told him (I asked on the letter for my manager to know about me) and so he just talked with me for a minute before letting me know my last payment would be up to my debit card asap. I went over to what used to be the floor I worked on and greeted everyone. Surprisingly, he was shocked to see me, but we didn’t talk much. So we agreed to Skype each other from then on. Then I came back to Jeonju, so we could only text via Skype and call each other. There was never a time when we saw each other personally besides that one time.

From then on, he’s been my source of energy. He’d always call even if he had the busiest schedule just to make sure I was doing okay and to see how was the treatment working so far. I know everything, his kid’s health, the way his partner is treating him, the way he feels about everything in general. Sometimes, he calls in excited because he learned something new at work or he got complimented on an idea he got to offer.

Today, he told me that the chances for his girlfriend and him to break up are utterly huge. He doesn’t want to be with her anymore, and the way he explains it just goes by “I’m finally going to be free” which worries me the most. The thing about liking a man who is married is that he will ask for your advice on many things that concern his marriage, and you can’t be biased at all. On a side note, I’m a person who likes to think on the two sides of the page so I can fully understand a situation, but at the same time I don’t want them to separate because I know how much the two of them cherish each other. But when a relationship becomes unhealthy even to the eyes of everyone else, then it might be time to break it off. When I think of it like that, it makes me remember the main reasons why I’ve never wanted to marry someone. He suddenly became emotional and started to talk about how we met and how he had his eyes fixed on my personality because I never took anything personal and was technically cold to everyone most of the time. “A person who was always focused on her work and wouldn’t let useless things get on the way” is the way he describes me. Suddenly, it felt like a confession as he kept on talking, but I remained quiet and just gave my point of view on his situation.

I wish all of this was easier to understand, and all together, I hope that he makes the choice that will get him to his own happiness.

Besides all this emotional talk, it doesn’t get any better.

Today I got the results on my routine tests. Even though I was aware my cancer was advanced since the beginning, my doctor told me that there was hope for me to be able to get through it by chemotheraphy. It got worse, instead. My kidneys have started to fail and my liver is giving me trouble too. Sometimes I can’t even breathe at night and feel nauseous due to the side effects of the treatment. I tried to see it from a brighter side, but when it doesn’t get better I start to feel hopeless. We’re going to stop the treatment, and allow me to enjoy life without having an IV inside of my body most of the time. I wont have enough time to study now, so I’ll try my best to accomplish my dreams of fully being a musician and I’ll try to produce as many songs as I can.

Also, I’ve met an old woman yesterday. She lives under us, literally, and she’s one of my aunts. She owns the shop that’s on the very entrance of the house, but I never really had the chance to talk to her. Yesterday at night, I was finally able to sit down and talk with her. She’s the most kind hearted person I’ve met so far, and she also took care of me pretty well^^ I’m thankful for yesterday. She also agreed with me on many points when it comes to the behaviour I’m getting from my aunt, and understood my situation as well. I offered to help her around now that I wont be getting my treatment, and she thanked me deeply, so it seems like I’ll be spending most of my time with her from now on :)

In the meantime, I’ll still try to update my diary as I don’t want to miss out on myself.

Be safe,

Yoona.

[peyoon]

It's always weird to have a close friend who's married and at the same time likes you, mostly because I like him back. There are things that I've learned from him, he's made me go mad at times, but we've also had memories that I'd cherish at all times. We've got upset at each other but we've also talked until it was very late in the morning. It's frustrating when I see him having a hard time because of his wife, but at the same time I don't want to get in between them since most of their problems are because she feels insecure of him being near me. It's a friendship that I wish wasn't so complicated, and at the same time I appreciate it is this complicated because I keep on learning from it. There will be hard times when we're able to talk things out, and others when we will just remain quiet on the line, but it has never bothered us at all. It's just so troublesome to like a person who's married someone else, and you know that his partner doesn't make him happy at all, but there's nothing you can do because you have no rights to get in between.

[peyoon]

My favorite aunt came into my room just a minute ago, she asked me gently if I wanted to make her company this afternoon at the shop, I just replied that I’ve been wanting to do so since a while already, so that’s what I’m doing tomorrow. I’m overly excited because that means I’ll be going further away than the usual streets I’m used to walk on. That should be a perfect chance to take many many maaany pictures ♡ I heard that my dad asked her for my answer as soon as she got out of the room, it made sense then, but at the same time I’m glad she asked. I’d rather spent the rest of my days working with her at the shop than... at home, with my aunt. It should be a lot of fun, I’m looking forward to it ^^ 

Also,

Aren’t these pretty? They’ve been growing outside of my dad’s house since I came back so I’m taking care of them dearly as well. They’ll grown up to be just the most beautiful flowers there are on earth ♡

I should get going since I need to tidy up my room and work on some stuff, I’ll be getting my round of chemo in half an hour too, then I’ll be outside of home to spend time at my aunt’s shop.

Until then, happy vibes ♡

[peyoon]

[peyoon]

2017년4월20일.

Hi everyone, Yoona here. 

As expected, when it’s this early I’m always willing to write something. Right now it’s 6:50AM, I’ve already had egg toast as breakfast and took my pills carefully. Today is also the day I’ll be getting chemotheraphy once again so I need to gain a lot of strenght before the time comes. I don’t know why, but I still get nervous at times like this.

I wanted to take a morning shower but my body is overall not feeling too well. Usually doing this would make me feel better but somehow I just can’t stop staring at the bathtub from afar without being scared of coming inside. I’m weird today. I guess I’ll be able to wash up eventually, in the meantime, I’ll write about yesterday.

Lately I’ve been arguing a lot with my aunt and it’s stressing me out. A person like me, who stays most of the time inside her house/locked up buildings, shouldn’t be allowed to be this stressed, but I am. When it comes to an unfair treatment, I just can’t keep my mouth shut, so that’s why I end up arguing with people at times, even if I don’t want to. I hope that someday she will see through my eyes and understand my situation as much as I understand hers.

The weather yesterday was as pretty as it is today, even though it’s supposed to be raining today so I won’t be able to come out, but that’s fine, there’s a window on my room so I’ll be able to have an enjoyable day. 

I took this picture from yesterday’s sunset. Beautiful, isn’t it? I enjoy nights the best but my favorite moment of the day has to be when the sun comes all the way down to bring our beautiful moon back up. 

I’ve had a lot to think about nowadays, most of it is somehow about my future. I’ll be turning 21 on October and it terrifies me to think that I’ve done nothing in particular with my life. Whenever I get asked about my profession I just plainly say I’m a musician, but most people won’t take that as an answer. Being a daughter on this side of the world who only dedicates to music rather than an “actual” profession is like saying you’re of no use to the community. I know it’s my fault, even though my dad tells me the whole time that I didn’t chose to be the way I am right now, but it must be a hard time for him. At least I’ll be studying soon so the chances for me to get a proper source of money should get bigger. I’m working hard for it.

Also, I’m finally getting my hands into finishing the song I’ve been working on for a month already. After I’m done with the lyrics, I’ll make sure to produce it well~ 

Eat properly everyone~

Take good care of yourselves, try not to catch a flu now that Spring is upon us~

Until then, happy vibes  ♡

[peyoon]

April 19, 2017.

♡ ㅋㅋㅋ Hi, it’s Yoony here ♡

I’ve finally decided to write a diary to express my feelings and to freely talk about my day without any limitations. I’m really bad at keeping up with such kind of work but I sure hope I won’t regret doing this one. 

The weather has been really pretty lately, it rains a lot here in Jeonju. It’s an ironic thing to say but I sometimes miss my old house, it was really hot at times but at nights it was just really quiet and cold. Good thing about Jeonju is, I can go ahead and walk alone at nights without having any worries. For someone like me, who has to deal with severe insomnia ever since I was younger, it’s such a blessing that I can come out at night, mainly because I just can’t get a hold of myself at midnight and listening to music doesn’t work nowadays, so getting myself tired works just fine.

Right now it’s really early, 3:44am, I’ve come to a point where I wonder what am I doing with my life...  ㅎㅎㅎ. For the past two days I’ve been trying to fix my mind into composing a song which melody dances around my brain but I just can’t portray it at all  ㅜㅜ I get frustrated at times like this, so I try my best to go outside and walk around the area before I hit someone on the streets  ㅋㅋ.

This is a picture I took early at midnight, I really like it when the streets are full of vehicles like this, and their wheels just roll all over the floor. It’s a nice sound to listen to when you want to be calm at night. Some drivers like to listen to music while traveling around, so I can get a grisp of that as well. Today I heard a song in specific that I haven’t heard in a while but I can’t seem to remember the name...  (•¯ ∀ ¯•) not like I’d be able to ask him anyways.

Ah! Yesterday in the afternoon I also started my 2 month of chemotheraphy. Time sure flies away fast... I still get a little nervous whenever I see the doctor get closer with those large needles, but I’m trying to endure the pain at all costs, after all I’ll be under this treatment for over a year if it goes well so it’s better to get used to it rather than think about it too much. Thankfully I haven’t felt the side effects but I can’t be victorious yet, they usually come along hours after the treatment is done. In the meantime, I’ll eat delicious foods before I regret it. 

I wanted to tag along the video practice I had for the song... Tumblr won’t let me load it as expected...  ㅠㅠ I swear it’s coming out prettily! I even sang for it...

Right, I finally got to talk with my brother. Some small talk that I actually would have preferred not to have even though I’ve been looking forward to it since a while already, but that’s how life is. He said that my mother never said at any point that I have them all blocked on my social medias. I don’t know who to believe anymore... On one side I have the family I lived with for my whole lifetime but then there are my aunts whom I’m living with currently and will probably be doing so for a long time ahead. My head... I guess I can just wait for my dad to come back home so we can talk about it calmly.

On other news! I’m going back to school soon. Most people my age would get overly excited about it since they get to know a lot of people and walk around the campus, but I’m going to attend school online. My dad asked me about it for many weeks... My reasons behind this decision... It’s hard to explain that both your condition and your social anxiety won’t let you do anything the same way you’d do before... ;;

At the same time, I sat down for some hours yesterday at night while just staring at my father. Even though we didn’t see each other for plenty of years, and barely know each other, we’ve got to get a long quite nicely over this month. We talk comfortably with each other even though sometimes he gets easily distracted so I have to repeat myself over and over again... But it’s okay, I don’t mind doing so, since he’s someone I can rely on. I thought about how respetable he is as well, such a role model for me these days. He could of have refused to have me home but he took me inside with the doors wide open and all kinds of care and love. I’m very thankful about it. 

On the other hand, I still can’t understand one of my aunts in particular. I get along nicely with everyone on this house, even with the kids, but with an exception on this aunt and Hani. Hani is a little bit younger than me, still not legal, but she’s allowed to do whatever she wants even though the only thing she does is go to school, iddle around and be on her phone the whole time. When told to come inside after seeing her boyfriend, she won’t. She really does nothing but no one complains about it... It’s frustrating. When I help with the chores at home, I’m still treated like I’m useless. Suddenly, it feels like I got out of home to come to the same place. 

I took a short break while I was typing this just so I could get some fresh air outside. Instead, I got to enjoy a beautiful dawn from today. I’m sure Kate would like this kind of photography, even though I’m really bad at it ㅋㅋㅋ there are many things I have to take care of today, but I’ll try my best to keep up with this diary from now on.

Until then, happy vibes!  ♡