Xuebing Du
#extradirty
todays bird
will byers stan first human second
Today's Document
izzy's playlists!
art blog(derogatory)
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Discoholic 🪩
Janaina Medeiros
taylor price
Aqua Utopia｜海の底で記憶を紡ぐ
if i look back, i am lost
Andulka
hello vonnie
Misplaced Lens Cap
we're not kids anymore.
Mike Driver
d e v o n
NASA
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@phanficexchange
in the survey it says if yes why, if no why, but there's no yes or no question??
Uh oh we may have accidentally deleted that question! Its supposed to say are you planning on participating next year. Is anyone else having the same problem?
Tell Us What You Think!
http://goo.gl/forms/LpKVB1JUxl
Keeping in mind that pinchhitters/people never submitting and then not responding to our messages is out of our control, we would love to know your ideas on how this can be run smoother next year. Its a learning process
If you never received a fic
Please message us! I finally have free time and I want to help. However no promises can be made, you may just end up not receiving a fic and I am very sorry about that.
~ Sonnet
Lol will I ever get my fic or nah? \(•_•)/
To be perfectly candid i have absolutely no idea. We havent received any more fics in like a month its been a great big who knows. If you message us off anon maybe we can help a bit better?
for otter-twopointoh
punk boys with cute hearts
Dan’s day had fallen to shit. Well, it hadn’t really fallen far, he woke up shrouded in the grey fog that was his depression, too tired and numb to even sit up and get out of bed. It took several minutes of pep talks and futile motivation to eventually coax him into the shower and let the warm spray run down his back.
***
It was at lunch when Dan’s day fell apart completely. He was starving, mouth watering as he walked into the cafeteria to get his long awaited food. After setting down his tray, he walked off to grab a fork and some napkins, keeping his head down and trying to swallow past the gnawing sadness. Sighing, he picked up what he needed and made his way back to his table, frowning as he couldn’t see his tray. It took him a moment to realise that he couldn’t see his tray because it now had a guy eating from it, sat in his place.
“What the fuck do you think you’re doing?!” Dan snapped, wincing when the guy turned around, revealing startling blue eyes lined in liner, snakebites flashing as he grinned and Dan’s first thought was that he was positively screwed, that he was gonna end up with a black eye and a pair of broken ribs. The guy continued smiling at him and Dan’s heart fluttered, stomach fluttering and Dan bit his tongue.
“I-Um- I wanted to say hi,” the guy said, sheepishly rubbing the back of his neck and Dan let out a breath of relief and shook his head. He swayed on the spot, opting to sit down before he collapsed, burying his head in his hands. He could feel the guy’s eyes on him, burning into his scalp but he didn’t care, he was too tired to care.
“Hey, I’m sorry, I just thought that you’re bound to notice me if I sat down and-”
“Yeah well, there are better ways to get my attention - god knows why you’d want it, but whatever. Enjoy your lunch,” Dan muttered, stomach growling as he stood up and walked out the cafeteria, hearing the guy call after him. He was half way to his dorm when a hand clapped down on his shoulder, making him jump.
“Hey, please don’t go.” It was him.
“Look,” Dan said, spinning round on his heel, “I don’t know who you are or what you want but I don’t know you. My day has been fucking shit and all I wanted was to sit down and eat my fucking lunch,” Dan snapped, anger bubbling inside him as his eyes started to water - god he was pathetic.
“I’m sorry, really, I- I just thought- here, come on, let me make it up to you,” the guy apologised, and Dan realised that his personality really didn’t suit his appearance. He told him such.
“Maybe I’m just nice to guys I find cute,” he replied, smirking and winking at Dan. The younger boy blushed crimson, heart fluttering in his chest and he kicked himself internally, shaking his head and biting his lip as he willed the heat from his cheeks to leave. The guy reached down to take his hand, slotting their fingers together slowly, giving Dan the time and space to pull away - he didn’t.
“I’m Phil, by the way.”
“M’Dan.” He cast a small glance down at their joined hands and willed his heart to slow down.
***
“You don’t have to buy me lunch,” Dan muttered, voice hollow and empty and he hated how he couldn’t even put any energy into his voice when this guy he found cute was trying to get him through the door of one of the fanciest cafes he’d ever seen.
“I- don’t you want to go in here? We can find somewhere else if you want?” Phil asked and Dan shook his head, pulling his hand out of Phil’s and turning away, wanting nothing more to collapse in his bed and forget this day ever happened, forget that he’d finally found a guy that made him feel something.
“Please don’t go,” Phil pleaded and Dan looked back at him, eyes questioning.
“Why would you want me to stay?” He scoffed, shaking his head sadly and Phil frowned, wrapping a cautious arm around his shoulders.
“Tell you what, why don’t you come back to my dorm? We can skive the rest of our classes and order pizza, maybe watch a movie or two, yeah?” Phil asked and Dan nodded before he could stop himself.
***
“I’m sorry, but if you think DC is better than Marvel we can’t be friends,” Phil laughed and Dan frowned.
“Oh, no way in hell. Marvel is way better, and ‘friends’?” Dan asked, raising an eyebrow and Phil blushed.
“I just thought we could maybe be friends?” He muttered, sucking on his lip piercing, something Dan found ridiculously cute.
“Why would you want to be my friend?” Dan asked, looking up at him through his lashes and Phil frowned.
“Because I know that look in your eye, I know how it feels to be that run down and sad all the time, I know how horrible depression can be and I don’t want you to be alone,” Phil whispered, raising a gentle hand to Dan’s cheek before Dan tugged away sharply, a scoff falling from his lips.
“Oh, right. So you’re just like everybody else. Should’ve fucking known. No one ever wants to be my friend, Phil, do they? They just want to ‘help’. No one ever likes me for me, likes me for my jokes or my taste in music and movies. Nobody ever likes me for how I look. Everybody just seems to fucking pity me,” Dan snapped, standing up and wiping a stray tear from his cheek, “I am not just my fucking depression, Phil. I am a human being with thoughts and feelings and interests.”
Phil paled, mouth open and eyes wide.
“No, no Dan I- I didn’t mean it like that, fuck, I really didn’t. I- I meant, sure, I want to help, but I- I meant what I said earlier, I- shit,” Phil stuttered and Dan scoffed, shaking his head as he looked for his shoes, “I- I really do find you cute, and- would maybe like to take you out s-sometime?” Phil finished and Dan stopped, heart beating wildly in his chest before fear got the better of him. He could almost see Phil holding his breath as he waited for Dan to do something.
“No,” he muttered, hating himself even more as Phil’s breath left him like he’d been punched. He finished lacing up his shoes and got out of the room as fast as he could, tears pricking his eyes.
***
“Come on, Dan, don’t you trust me? You know I’ll take care of you, I love you,” He whispered, pouting slightly before gently smiling and Dan’s heart somersaulted, stomach fluttering before he grinned, something he hadn’t done in awhile.
“Promise?” Dan asked and he nodded, leaning down to kiss Dan gently, his heart swelling up in his chest until he thought it might burst.
“It’s only a small party, you know that, and we can leave if you need to,” He promised, kissing him deeply again before standing up and taking his hand.
He lied. The party wasn’t small, it was massive. Hoards of people spanned out across the room and Dan could barely breathe.
“I- I’m gonna go to the toilet,” he yelled, struggling to be heard over the music before leaving his boyfriend and darting off to the bathroom, a panic attack about to wash over him. When he left, he’d found a very angry looking Luke waiting for him, eyes set.
“Where the fuck were you?” He snapped, pulling Dan’s hair hard and Dan yelped out.
“T-toilet,” he squeaked and Luke snarled.
“You fucked up, Howell. My ex is over there and how pathetic did I look when my boyfriend was running to the toilet?” He sneered and Dan stiffened.
“Sorry, I- I was- I just really needed to go,” he mumbled and Luke sniggered.
“Please, you were clearly in a panic. God, you’re so pathetic, can’t even keep it together for one bloody party.”
“I-It won’t happen again,” Dan promised and Luke grinned at him.
“Better fucking not, Howell, or I’ll be adding more bruises to your collection,” he muttered lowly, digging his fingers into Dan’s ribs, pressing on a particularly painful one. Dan nodded and followed under his arm.
***
He hadn’t seen Phil for weeks, avoiding the lunch hall no matter how loudly his stomach growled, instead opting to head back to his dorm instead, passing the time studying in solitude. That was until a knock sounded on his door.
“For fucks sake,” Dan sighed, wiping his eyes and crawling out of bed, running a hand through his hair to make it vaguely presentable before opening the door. Great. Fucking great. Of course.
“Dan,” Phil breathed, offering a small smile and Dan was tempted to slam the door on his face. He knew he was being irrational and paranoid but jesus christ, he wasn’t going to let anyone in ever again and this guy with blue eyes and snake bites made his heart flutter and the butterflies swarm and that was not good - not on any level.
“Phil,” Dan regarded cooly and Phil winced slightly, covering it up with another smile.
“Can I come in?” He asked and Dan shrugged, walking away from the door - leaving it wide open - before collapsing back on his back and picking up his laptop, pressing play on the anime he was watching.
“Anime?” Phil asked and Dan blushed before he could stop himself, used to being teased for his ‘childish’ obsession.
“Yeah,” he mumbled and Phil grinned at him.
“What’s your favourite? Mine’s definitely Sword Art Online although Death Note is obviously amazing - maybe a tad overrated but still fucking great. Oh and anything by Studio Ghibli is so fucking awesome - did I mention I have an almost 5 foot Totoro?” Phil finished and Dan’s head was left reeling, trying to process all the information at once.
“Y-you don’t think it’s stupid?” He mumbled and Phil frowned, pouting before grinning at him.
“Nope, it’s great. What one are you watching?” Phil asked, leaning in to peer over Dan’s shoulder and Dan froze, Phil’s breath ghosting his neck and jesus christ how was he acting like nothing had ever happened.
“Y-your lie in April,” Dan muttered, breath hitching and he prayed to every fucking god up there that Phil didn’t hear (he didn’t seem to), “I- I know it’s not the most action packed but it’s cute and makes me smile,” Dan stammered and Phil turned his face so their noses were brushing together and Dan held his breath.
“Hey, I don’t judge people’s anime choices, I’m still desperately waiting for Attack On Titan season two,” Phil laughed, warm breath fanning out across Dan’s lips and cheeks and he finally came to his senses and pulled back slightly, making Phil blink as if he was only just realising the position they were in.
“Thanks,” Dan said, blushing and pulling at a loose strand on his duvet.
“So, anyway, I see you missed your lunch again,” Phil said, pouting before smirking at him, “but… I happened to have ordered some food for you already! Hope you like Chinese!” Phil finished, beaming at him and Dan’s heart was beating out of his chest.
“Jesus Christ, Phil, you really shouldn’t wear any of that punk shit, you don’t live up to it’s stereotype,” Dan replied, shaking his head and Phil laughed.
“Good, stereotypes are shit,” he grinned, smile slipping off his face when there was a knock on the door.
“Chinese?” Dan asked and Phil nodded, jumping off the bed like a two year old and Dan shook his head, annoyed that he wasn’t able to stay mad. He heard a low murmur of voices and frowned before an all too familiar voice managed to wriggle its way into his memory and oh fuck no.
“Phil?” Dan called, venturing out into the hallway to see Luke leaning against the doorway, inspecting his nails, Phil frowning at him.
“Dan, there you are!” Luke grinned and Dan’s blood ran cold.
“W-what do you want?” He mumbled and Luke was in front of him in a flash.
“I want you, baby. We ended so… badly and I miss you so much,” Luke said, voice laced with honey and dripping with manipulation. Dan knew if he said ‘no’ he’d be kicked across the room before he could blink.
“I- w-we could talk?” Dan offered and Luke beamed.
“Um, y-you should g-go, Phil,” Dan stammered out, not meeting his eyes, knowing that he was a picture of fear and panic. He could see Phil’s hesitant radiating off of him.
“I think I’ll stay,” Phil replied and Luke glared at him.
“No, you won’t. Get out now,” Luke snapped and Phil raised an eyebrow.
“I’d like to see you make me,” Phil sneered and Dan tensed, heart pounding.
“You better fucking get out or I swear to god,” Luke hissed and Phil took a step forward, forcing Luke to step back a few paces, pinning him to the wall in one swift movement.
“Or what? What you gonna do?” Phil grinned and Luke glared at him, lip curling before lashing out, sending a punch to Phil’s cheek. Staggering slightly, Phil looked back up at him and laughed.
“My father hit harder than you did,” Phil retorted and Dan scooted away, crouching down in the corner.
“Aw, did your daddy beat you up for being a faggot?” He jeered and Phil clenched his jaw, grabbing his collar and slamming him against the door frame.
“None of your fucking business. Get out, now,” he growled, pressing his nose to Luke’s before driving his fist into his gut fast. Luke hissed and staggered back through the doorway, out into the hallway. Phil smiled at him and waved before slamming the door on him, grinning when he heard a loud kick being delivered to the door before a cry of pain.
“P-Phil…?” Dan asked, crouched down in the corner, tears blurring his vision. Phil dropped to his knees and brought a gentle hand to Dan’s cheek, fingers hesitant.
“Hey, hey it’s okay, yeah? You’re safe now,” Phil whispered and Dan sniffed, shaking his head.
“I- he’ll be back and I- I- Phil,” Dan whimpered, burying his head into Phil’s shoulder. Phil bit his lip and frowned, pulling him in for a proper hug, hands rubbing up and down his back soothingly.
“No he won’t. And if he is back, I’ll be here, Dan. Always,” Phil murmured and Dan sobbed harder.
“I don’t like him, Phil, he hurt me,” Dan sobbed, freezing up after realising what he said. Phil didn’t seem fazed, continuing to hold him.
“I know, I know he did, but you’re safe now. And no one’s gonna hurt you again, I promise,” Phil whispered and Dan sniffed.
“D-don’t tell, please,” Dan pleaded and Phil pulled back.
“Never,” he whispered, leaning in slowly and pressing a kiss to Dan’s forehead.
“I’m sorry,” Dan whimpered, raising a hand to Phil’s bruised cheek.
“It’s fine,” Phil smiled, “I meant what I said, my dad punched harder,” Phil laughed bitterly, lightly kissing Dan’s palm.
“You-I-what?” Dan breathed and Phil shrugged.
“Takes one to know one,” Phil replied and Dan exhaled shakily.
“Y-your dad hit you?” Dan asked and Phil nodded lightly.
“It was a while ago, don’t worry. I made it out in one piece,” Phil grinned, laughing lightly and Dan stared at him.
“C-can we just forget all this shit and just w-watch a movie a-and m-maybe a-a hug?” Dan stuttered, cheeks heating up and Phil smiled at him.
“Course, c’mere,” Phil replied, helping him stand up before pulling him into his arms, gently holding him. Dan sighed, worry gnawing away at him.
“I- I’m sorry for being rude the other week I- I just don’t want a relationship,” Dan whispered. Liar, his mind whispered, he shook his head lightly to silence it. Phil’s face softened.
“Hey, that’s fine. I’d love to be your friend, and not because of you know, but because you have a great taste in anime and I’m pretty sure our music taste is similar judging by the Muse posters on your walls,” Phil said, grinning at him.
“Thank you,” Dan smiled back, reluctant to pull away. Phil grinned at him before going to Dan’s bed to grab his latptop and setting it on their laps.
“Anime?” Phil asked and Dan nodded, laying his head softly on Phil’s chest.
for phansdick
“I’m the shy, quiet art major in our painting class and you’re the insane math major who’s always raving on about how the universe is full of dimensions that 3D can’t capture and how beautiful that is" au. Or, the one where Phil shows Dan how to find himself by losing himself.
—
“Morning, Dan.”
Dan glanced up as his tutor entered the room and greeted him with his usual smile. He watched as the the man set his cup of coffee on the desk at the front, then opened up his laptop and started tapping away at his keys as he replied to his overnight emails.
This was a routine Dan had been following for several months now, and it pleased him that things weren’t changing. After enjoying his first semester module with this tutor as much as he had, he’d opted into his second semester art module too, still held first thing on a Friday morning just like it had previously. Dan arrived at the art room before anyone else, tutor included, and for fifteen minutes or so, they’d sit there in a comfortable silence. Sometimes his tutor would put some music on, other times Dan would ask for his advice on one piece of work or another, but for the most part, they sat there peacefully, Dan arranging his art supplies, soothed by the sounds of the keyboard.
Art had always been the love of Dan’s life. It was how he’d escaped from all of his worries at school, and going to pursue a Fine Art degree at university had been a decision that needed no thought. He was still only in his first year, but Dan couldn’t see anything but producing art and perhaps branching out into gallery curating in his future. He was so content losing himself in the world of his imagination, which was the only reason he was in university at quarter to nine every Friday.
There were very few things Dan loved more than sleep, but art was one of them.
His usual medium was pencil, filling sketchbook upon sketchbook with sketches and portraits, until he could pick up his trusty 2B without even thinking and create a piece of blinding realism. For that reason, subsidiary modules at university had seemed like a good opportunity to try something new and expand his art skills. Most of his weeks were spent drowning in art theory with a sprinkle of art history for good measure, but this module was his escape; painting.
The vibrant pieces Dan produced in this class were unlike anything he’d really experimented with before, and for someone who lived his life in such a calm, orderly way, Dan revelled in the thrill of picking up a paintbrush and making bold strokes of colour on a blank canvas. He wasn’t the best - well, he was the best in the class by far, but by his own standards and experiences - but that wasn’t what mattered here.
Today was the first day of the new module, and Dan was a little apprehensive. He’d only just gotten used to his old classmates, and now everything was switching round. He doubted many of them would return, because subsidiaries were for all schools across the university, and unlike Dan, most students used them as a chance to branch out from their own path of study, not delve deeper.
“Is anyone sat here?” someone suddenly asked him, and Dan leapt a foot into the air at the sudden intrusion on his thoughts.
“No, no, go for it,” Dan said, motioning to the empty easel next to him. As he looked around, Dan realised the room had filled up while he’d been daydreaming, and the spot next to him was one of the only spares left.
The boy who had taken it was currently sat grinning at Dan, bright blue eyes peering at him unblinkingly to the point where it was almost unnerving. Dan returned the smile, which was apparently what he’d been waiting for, as he started getting on with unpacking his stuff. Dan watched him with outward curiosity, the way his fluffy black hair constantly flew around as he kept diving into his bag to unpack more.
Dan tended to sit at his easel with just his phone and paints, the palette he’d enjoyed spending a semester messying up just waiting to be used again. This was how he always worked, although he was still adjusting to having paints lined up alongside him as opposed to pencils in various grades. It was a much more colourful workspace, but very fun.
This boy… well, he had everything. A bottle of water, which Dan immediately wanted to confiscate, no less than three electronic devices, a pencilcase bursting at the seams with a protractor and compass bulging out of it but no visible pen or even pencil in sight, a cereal bar - the list went on. Sure, Dan was a little protective of his materials and brought his own paint to class, even though it was provided for subsidiary classes, but at least it made sense to bring paint to a painting class. Who needed even one set square for this, let alone five?
“Alright, listen up,” their tutor said, and Dan reluctantly turned to face him. He was half-mystified, half-horrified by the ball of energy that had settled next to him, and he sort of didn’t want to do anything but watch this boy instead.
Still, this was Dan’s favourite tutor, and he had a lot of time for him. The man was one of very few who understood just how difficult it was for Dan to do something new with his art. He’d spent years and years perfecting his style, and now anything less than perfect made Dan want to scream. It was something he’d struggled with a lot at the beginning of last semester, putting brush to canvas and not immediately creating what he saw in his head. His tutor had never been anything less than one hundred per cent supportive of him though, and slowly Dan was finding it easier to loosen up.
“Welcome to Painting 102, the highly original name I thought up when submitting my module outline five minutes before the deadline last semester,” he grinned, and Dan smiled. Yep, he’d definitely made the right choice to pick this class after taking Painting 101. “This is only a five credit module, so I don’t want any of you to take it too seriously. I want Friday mornings to be the part of your timetable you look forward to.”
There was a ripple of approval through the dozen or so students in the class, and Dan smiled.
“The aim of this module is to stretch you. Some of you will already be way out of your comfort zone by choosing an Art module at all. Some of you might need coaxing out of it a little more,” he continued, and Dan didn’t miss the way his gaze slid over him. “To pass this module, I want you to show me that you’re challenging yourselves. I want you to have fun with art, with painting in particular, and I want the work you produce to show me that you’ve done something different.
“That doesn’t mean this is an easy module. In some ways, doing something different is more difficult than something you already know you can do. However, it does mean there’s no pressure for the non-artists among us to compete with those who do this day in, day out. Art is not a competition, and with this approach, we all have different goals, so you really cannot compare.
“Essentially, what I’m saying is, to achieve a perfect score in this class, you don’t need to aim for perfect. In fact, you’ll probably be avoiding it.”
He took a moment to let everyone absorb that information, but it seemed to have gone down very well. Dan chanced a glance over at the intriguing boy to his side, and found he’d visibly relaxed at the words, a wide grin spreading across his face. It was a little disconcerting how nice Dan found his smile to look at, and he was grateful that his attention was snapped back to his tutor at the mention of his name.
“How are we doing for the pretentious speeches so far, Dan?”
Dan properly smiled this time, and gave his tutor a silent thumbs up. For all his laidback attitude, their tutor was a fan of giving long, impassioned speeches about art, to the extent that it had become a running joke. Dan was pleased it was something he hadn’t given up on, and he also appreciated that the tutor had called his attention to it. Dan had been slightly worried he wouldn’t want to see him for a second module, but it seemed those worries were foolish, like most of Dan’s worries seemed to be.
“Right, let’s crack on then shall we? Today’s task is just to see what you class as being out of your comfort zone. I want you to each come up with a piece that has challenged you. At the end of today, I’ll be pairing you up, and next week I want you to come back having worked together to explore exactly what that is.
“For now, you are welcome to either experiment, or if you need some inspiration, I’ve set up a subject just here, made up of junk I found in the Art Department’s lost and found box. I call it, The Student Struggle,” he finished with a flourish.
The class peered around their easels to get a good look at the arrangement, and many laughed. There was an empty wine bottle on its side, a pile of textbooks, some food wrappers, a couple of art supplies, and a university sports scarf draped artfully across it all.
“Hey, that’s my scarf!” someone called out, and the laughter grew louder.
“Would it be okay if we borrowed it for this lesson, Mr Kendall?” their tutor asked, looking amused, and received a nod in response.
“Of course. Cheers for finding it!”
Their exchange seemed to signal the beginning of the task, and people started to get to work, gathering materials or taking a moment to decide what to work on. Dan looked down at his tools and chewed his lip, trying to figure out what he should do.
Technically, any painting was still out of his comfort zone; outside of these seminars, he spent most of his time working in pencil or writing essays, so it wasn’t like he’d had much practice with paint. Still, he had grown more used to it, and yet Dan did a still life study nearly every other day, so copying what was in front of him didn’t seem very challenging either.
“What are you going to do?” the boy next to him hissed, and Dan flinched in surprise, then turned to face him.
“I don’t know,” Dan said softly, pulling a face. “What about you?”
“I think not using a ruler counts as out of my comfort zone,” the boy chuckled. “I study Maths, so this is all very new. How about you?”
“Well, I study Art,” Dan said sheepishly, but the boy just laughed.
“Should have guessed,” he said, motioning to Dan’s selection of supplies. “I’m Phil, by the way.”
“Dan,” he responded with a smile. The boy wasn’t as overwhelming when he wasn’t going at a hundred miles an hour.
“What are we up to here then?” their tutor asked, sidling over to in between the boys. “Talk to me about your projects.”
“Think I’m just going to try drawing that lot,” Phil said, pointing to the display in front of him with his pencil. “I’m more of a diagram man, so any artwork is a challenge. How am I meant to know the proportions?”
Both Dan and the tutor laughed at Phil’s horrified voice, and their tutor nodded. “Sounds like a good plan. How about you, Dan?”
Dan shrugged. Honestly, he was excited for this module, but it was also kind of his worst nightmare? Everything about Dan’s life was ordered, perfect, and his art was no different.
“How about I make a suggestion?” his tutor asked, and Dan nodded, figuring a bit of advice wouldn’t hurt. “Okay, give me your brushes.”
Dan handed across his six or seven brushes, a little confused. He didn’t bring his entire brush collection to each class, mostly because he didn’t need them, so just tended to bring his fine brushes to get that level of detail in, and a couple of thicker ones to fill in the canvas where needed. His system worked quite well, and he had surprised himself at how quickly he’d adapted to using a thin brush instead of a pencil.
“Right then,” his tutor said, rifling through them, and then clasping every single thin brush in one hand, and handing back two thick brushes to Dan. “I want you to paint the still life, like Phil, but only with these brushes.”
Dan was quite certain he actually paled as he took back the thick brushes.
“How?” he managed, already picturing how ugly his work would look, a mess of thick brush strokes. It would probably look like a child’s piece, something he could have created at nursery with his fingers.
“That’s for you to figure out,” his tutor winked, and then waved the brushes at Dan. “You can have these back at the end of today.”
With that, he walked away, and Dan just peered at his two paintbrushes, hesitant to do anything with them but fill in a background like he normally would. Even that would be one of his last actions though, so he was already feeling out of his depth.
“Surely it’s not that bad?” Phil laughed, having watched the exchange and noting Dan’s horrified expression.
“I don’t know what to do,” Dan admitted, rolling the two brushes around between his fingers.
“Just have fun,” Phil said gently. “It’s what I’m doing.”
Dan watched as he picked up a 6B - far too soft for the initial outline, but Dan wasn’t going to say anything - and then started drawing lines. Soon enough, the paper was covered in grey smudges, as well as the side of Phil’s hand and some of his nose, but he continued to grin at Dan every so often, so he clearly didn’t care.
Taking a deep breath, Dan tried to channel the same thing. Just have fun. He could do that. He loved art. Art was fun. He could have fun with this.
The scarf in front of him was blue and maroon, so Dan put some blue paint on his palette, mixed it with a bit of black to get the right shade, and then dipped his huge paintbrush in the blob of colour and lifted it to the canvas. By the time the brush touched the canvas, Dan’s eyes were nearly closed, but as he made his first stroke, a thick line of blue showing where he’d been, he felt a wave of relief wash over him.
This wasn’t so bad. He could do this.
Going back for more paint, Dan made another bold line. Maybe his canvas would just look like a mess of lines and shapes by the time he was done, but if the encouraging smiles he was getting from both his tutor and Phil were anything to go by, that might not be a bad thing.
—
Dan got paired with Phil for next week’s project, of course. That was how Dan’s luck went, and that was why he was spending his Friday afternoon in Phil’s bedroom, feeling very uncomfortable in a house full of other third-years, discussing two canvases home to a heap of smudges, one varying shades of grey, the other a cacophony of colour.
for krys-etc
for krys-etc (previously iwritefanficdonttellmum)
Title: Blind Dates and Heartbreaks
Prompt: “we started fake-dating after a blind date set up by our meddling friends and wow I think I’m falling for you” AU
“The laughter is fake, their relationship is fake, what’s real then?”
Word Count: 3.5k
Triggers: Slight anxiety mention, light smut
It begins as a joke.
“Are you lonely and depressed?” Louise asks him out of the blue, when he’s turned around, trying to fix the fucking broken new coffee machine (brewer? He does not know. He makes an excellent barista, don’t you think?) and he feels the exertion of working a monkey wrench that is probably doing more harm than good at this point.
He turns around to face Louise.
“Yes?” he nods instinctively because he’s attracted to sad and relatable posts on Tumblr and this sounds eerily similar.
“Are you in search of that single companion in life, who will be your equal in every aspect, including looks, familiar twenties angst and freakish height?” she reads aloud, scrolling through her phone and Dan narrows his eyes.
“What are you doing?”
“Have no fear, for Louise Pentland’s Matchmaking Service is here! And you, Mr Daniel Howell, are my first client,” Louise positively squeals at this and Dan really just doesn’t need this in life. All he wants is a perfectly functional coffee-maker machine, is that really too hard to ask?
A nut from the machine falls off then, interrupting his internal soliloquy, and Dan visibly winces.
“No,” he says aloud, to Louise and at the fucking universe.
“Dan, seriously, there’s this really really nice guy from the flower shop next door and he’s like into space and has that weird tattoo on his left ankle, remember him?”
Oh, yeah, Dan remembers him.
“Homer? The one who tripped over my poor feline, Shikoku, and then woofed at her? Yeah, no, thank you.”
“Dan,” she pouts because she knows how much Dan likes being a sulky ass and surely, one date will be fine, right? “You’re overreacting, really,” she retorts and before Dan can fully formulate a reply, a customer walks in and Dan’sfucked.
Louise smirks and in the midst of all the confusion about why there is no bleeding coffee in this coffeeshop, she asks Dan hurriedly, “You’re on for Saturday?”
And she’s out the door just as the distracted “yes” leaves his lips.
+
“No,” Dan tells Louise just as the bell dings signalling a new customer. It’s all going swimmingly well today, for once, and Dan just wants to revel in this luxury of having all the appliances functioning at the same time.
But of course, Louise just had to.
“So, Matt-“Ah Louise’s boyfriend and constant bearer of bad news, that Matt-“met this guy at the pub the other day and-“
“Not interested.”
“But-“
“No, Louise,” Dan sighs because he’s been in this situation far too many times and he really just has to put his foot down. “This guy would be my eighteenthblind date, I’m just-“
“Danny, you just have to keep trying, who knows, this new guy could be your one and only chance to true love,” Louise says dreamily and Dan knows that this is all Matt’s doing.
Dan snorts. “Sure, the only problem is, he’s not going to be.” He angrily punches the new customer’s order into the till in front of him and he’s sure the customer is startled at how angry he is. He thinks that he’s more angry at himself for not managing to make even a single date work, he’s never good enough for anyone, not even for the randos Louise picks up from god knowswhere and it’s all just overwhelming and frustrating.
“Dan, give it a shot. I’m not giving this up” Louise tells him and he hears Rick Astley in the background and it makes him feels marginally better about it all.Remember, put your foot down, Dan.
The thing is, Dan can’t say no to Louise. He just likes her too much and disappointing anyone is never on Dan Howell’s Anxiety To-Do List and the he ponders the fact that he’d be alone without Louise and her weird Mama-bear protectiveness and that’s scarier than anything in the world.
He just has to put her down gently, that’s all.
It’s when he hears a whistle of a kettle and simultaneously realises that he doesn’t have a kettle here at the coffeeshop that he thinks he’s actually maybe kind of fucked.
+
Well, this date is going horribly.
“And so the weirdos on the flight were on their fourth cup of rich, scented tea, it was slightly Indian-smelling, maybe had a Moroccan aftertaste but before-“ Phil Lester says and Dan is two seconds away from falling asleep.
This guy is such a good person, Louise had said. He is so funny and cute, totally rocks the fringe btw. You’re going to love him.
Too bad Dan hadn’t managed to get a single word in before Phil launched into some story about a animal in Florida. And Dan zoned out when the squirrel? (a man?) bit him somewhere, the saucy gossip not as interesting as expected.
It’s a shame really that he’s so good-looking, though, one thing Louise hadn’t lied to him about. He’s tall, only slightly shorter than Dan, which is a rarity. The thing that really caught Dan’s attention were his eyes, coloured the blue of Uranus with swirls of green tones in them. If he wasn’t so horribly boring, Dan would’ve been tempted to say that this guy’s probably the best date he’s had so far.
“Dan?”
Oh shit.
“Wow! Your story was mind-blowing, Phil, my mind is still reeling from it,” Dan says loudly, giggling nervously at the end to mask the fact that he doesn’t knowwhat in the hell Phil was talking about.
“Really?” Phil asks him and wow, Dan’s perplexed to say the least. I thought guys who talk a lot are usually confident and crap is he as insecure as I am?
But doesn’t really want to hear any more of what Phil has to say. He think he’s probably has heard enough anecdotes to last him a century. It’s nearing half past eight and Dan really has to get home now to catch the last ten minutes of the Great British Bake-Off.
Dan clears his throat. “Yeah, um- Phil,”
Phil leans forward in his seat and looks at Dan intently. Wow, those eyes.
Dan licks his lips impulsively and says, “I’m not really feeling much chemistry between us? Maybe it’s just me.” He gestures at the space between the both of them. Phil’s face is impassive which rattles Dan more than in should. Had he been not into the date either? Even when I’d not gotten two words in?
His inner soliloquy is interrupted by a short, “Oh, thank god” leaving Phil’s mouth and wow, Dan hadn’t expected that at all.
“Excuse me?” Dan mutters aloud and he feels so shitty suddenly because he’s right, he is unlovable.
“No, I mean, err…it’s not you,” Phil hastily says, cheeks flushed. “I was trying to put you off with my dumb stories,” Phil tries to explain and Dan just is confused.
“What I- well, you know Matt? My friend, PJ and him go way back, really, and he’s been pestering me to go on a date with you, not that you’re not great or anything, it’s just-“ The words are leaving Phil’s mouth faster than Dan can comprehend so he places a tentative hand on Phil’s arm.
“Phil, I don’t get it,” Dan says slowly and Phil meets his gaze.
“I don’t do relationships, really, and everyone’s been pressuring me to commit and I just can’t-“ Phil pauses and it’s then that Dan realises he’s been caressing Phil’s arm comfortingly. He snatches his hand away.
“I thought that if I bored you to death that you’d maybe contact PJ from the grave and tell him how terrible of a guy I am?” Phil jokes and flashes a small, sad smile.
Dan thinks of what could possibly happen out of this date, how him and Phil could actually help each other out with their respective meddling friends and it’s all piecing together wonderfully in his head.
“Phil?” he says after a moment’s silence.
“Yeah?”
And that had started it all.
+
“What does this fake relationship entail?” Phil says warily, his voice slightly static over the phone. It’s been a week since they decided one this plan and Dan can tell that Phil’s having second thoughts about it all. Because of course, Dan just had to go off and fake date the nicest, most decent person on the planet who doesn’t feel comfortable lying to his friend.
Dan has his phone wedged between his shoulder and neck and he’s sat in the janitor’s closet, away from Louise who is busy doing her job, for once, Hallelujah.
“Phil, don’t worry really, it’s all just a bit of role-playing. Just like, dunno, send me cute messages and pick me up from the coffee shop sometimes like a regular boyfriend,” Dan says. He feels a thrill saying boyfriend because the idea of being Phil’s first ever boyfriend gets Dan’s stomach all fluttery. Even if it was fake.
“How do you even romance” Phil groans over the phone and Dan wants to laugh but he hears footsteps outside the door. Go time.
“Oh Phil, you’re so cute and funny!” Dan squeals loud enough and twirls a strand of hair around his finger even though no one can see him. (If he does have secret Mean Girls fantasies, it’s no ones business but his.)
“Dan?” Phil asks, confused. Dan telepathically wants to convey, just go with it.
“Philly, I’ve got to go, thanks for being the best boyfriend ever! Kiss!” Dan says again and hopes he stresses the word boyfriend enough for Phil to get the message. He cuts the call.
“Dan?” Oh good, it was Louise outside.
He opens the door quickly and almost hits Louise in the face. “Yeah, sorry, it was Phil,” Dan manages to blush furiously and Louise gives him a suggestive raise of an eyebrow.
“Man, who would’ve guessed?” Louise jokes and Dan really wants to stamp on her foot.
He thinks fast and hastily suggests, “Yeah babe, he’s great, I don’t think I’ll be needing any more blind dates after this, haha.”
“Yeah, I’m glad it’s working out for you, sweetie,” Louise says so earnestly and Dan wants to grovel at her feet and apologise because deep down, Dan knows this will not end up well and he might end up losing his best friend if this goes south.
But, no, the lesson has to be learnt and Dan is going to go through with this.
Maybe?
+
Their second (fake) date is at a Malaysian restaurant. Because honestly, what’s more romantic than spicy noodles and messily eating with your fingers?
“Who knows, maybe he’ll burn his tongue and you’ll have to kiss it all better,” Louise remarks and Dan bites back a scoff.
“Yeah,” and he’s sure the exaggerated wink has given him away.
+
It becomes more and more apparent to Dan that Phil is maybe the nicestperson Dan has ever met. He has all the makings of a cute, nerdy guy who likes Anime and the stars and can also make a mean tequila concoction that has Dan seeing double by the end of the third date. It’s slightly perfect and that’s why it’s terrifying to think about.
“What are you even talking about, Attack on Titan is the Game of Thrones of cool Japanese anime, how do you not like it?” Dan asks him, a continuation of the text war they’d been having that afternoon.
Phil’s voice is gravelly over the phone and Dan realises that his conversations with Phil are quickly becoming the best part of his day. He looks up briefly and catches Louise smiling at him from her spot at the counter.
“It’s not that I don’t like it, I haven’t watched it that much,” Phil reasons and the offer is so inviting that Dan can’t help but say, “Come over on Saturday, watch with me.”
“Are you asking me out on a date, Mr Howell?” Phil teases and Dan’s cheeks turn a bright shade of pink. Damn you, Phil. It’s ridiculous that Dan is this nervous to ask Phil out, he is Dan’s boyfriend after all.
“Yeah, ‘course. We can have a popcorn and make sweet love after,” Dan says, stifling a laugh at the strangled sound Phil makes at that.
“I’m holding you to that promise, Howell,” Phil says so determinedly that Dan almost forgets that this is all just a set-up, that none of this is real at the end of the day. It makes him oddly sad but he doesn’t dwell.
That doesn’t stop him from thinking about blue eyes for the rest of the day.
+
Dan doesn’t know who initiated it but ten minutes into their third Attack on Titan episode, they’re French-kissing on the sofa.
It’s hot, messy and the way Phil’s tongue melts into his mouth feels so good that Dan doesn’t want to stop, ever. He ruts against Phil slightly, tentatively, as Phil nibbles on his bottom lip. He’s got his legs wrapped around Phil’s waist now, straddling him and the feel of Phil’s heated skin from under his thin T-shirt is too much to handle, right now.
It’s then that he starts thinking (which is always bad in any sexy situation).
Phil doesn’t do relationships.
“Phil?” he says, pulling out from the heated kiss. He ignores the grabby hands Phil makes at him, wanting to pull him back into the comfort of his lap but no, Dan can’t have that.
It feels too real.
“Phil, come on, what are we doing?” Phil looks down sheepishly at his lap, a tent already apparent, and smirks.
“What do you think? We’re dating, Dan, PJ and Louise would both be ecstatic if we actually get it on,” Phil says convincingly, smoothing a thumb over Dan’s palm. The gesture makes him contemplate their intimacy even more.
“This relationship has an expiration date, Phil, this is going to end soon and one booty call won’t solve anything,” Dan pleads with him and ignores the underlying message I also probably have feelings for you at this point and you can never know.
Phil’s face scrunches up into something unreadable (embarrassment? guilt? disgust?) and he pulls away. Dan thinks he sees a twinge of sadness in Phil’s face but it probably is just the hopeless romantic in him.
“One dinner with Louise, Matt and PJ and then we’re done,” Dan says in a breath, quickly so he wouldn’t have time to rethink his stand on this.
Phil doesn’t do relationships.
“Okay,” Phil says finally.
It comes out more broken than anything else.
+
They don’t talk for three days and Dan begins to think that Phil’s fallen of the edge of the planet. It’s weird because he didn’t think that Phil would take the news of them fake breaking up so hard? What does that mean?
He calls Phil for the third time that day and on the fourth ring,
“Hello?”
“Phil! Where have you been? I’ve been texting you all week,” Dan says as loudly as possible without waking Louise, who’s supposed to be on shift, that twat.
“You’re not my boyfriend, Dan, you don’t need to know where I am 24/7,” he hears Phil sigh out and Dan’s heart stops. He guesses their conversations can never go back to easy fake boyfriend banter and it’s all Dan’s fault. He really wants to puke.
“Yeah, sorry-“ he says as sincerely as he can. “Is PJ free on Saturday for dinner? Matt and Louise are in.” His voice comes off soft and he hears a catch in Phil’s breath.
Yes, we are breaking up on Saturday.
“Um…yeah, I’ll ask him but, Dan-“
Dan interrupts with a “Okay, bye.” and abruptly cuts the call because talking to Phil is excruciating now. Phil doesn’t like me, he just wants a quick fuck and I’ll end up broken with no one to blame because he doesn’t do relationships. This was a bad idea. I’m an idiot.
Two words ring out in his head, poignant and bring back his many insecurities to the forefront his mind.
What now?
+
The laughter is fake, their relationship is fake, what’s real then?
They’re all at a snooty French restaurant in the Upper West Side and the aroma is so happy and warm that it’s suffocating. Dan’s body is pressed up against Phil’s side and that’s the only thing he can think about as PJ and Matt prattle on about some university bloke or another. Apparently, the atmosphere is only tense to Dan and Phil, who’d also kept suspiciously quiet, even when PJ started talking about the Phil’s pub, “The Dragon and Egg”.
Louise eyes them both warily and Dan’s eyes flash up to meet her gaze.Please get me out of this, I’m so sorry.
As usual, she does the complete opposite.
“So Phil, what are you liking about little Danny so far?” she asks enthusiastically and Dan wants to slither down in embarrassment.
Suddenly, Phil takes his hand and grips tightly. “Dan is certainly something,” he says and they make eye contact for the briefest of moments. He hopes he pulls of the lovesick heart eyes and not the oh my god I’m actually going to be sick right now.
“Philly’s grown so much, really,” PJ says, as enthusiastically as Louise. Phil turns a bright shade of fuchsia which is cute.
“Peej-“
“Yeah, before he was all “Relationships are all stupid and ridiculously hyped up, I just need a good shag-“ Phil blushes again but still tries to indignantly protest.
“No-“
“Yeah, you were,” PJ mumbles out between munches on some quiche or whatever. Phil looks two seconds away from bludgeoning his friend with hisdesert knife. Yes, they’re in that kind of restaurant. “Now you’re just like, Danthis, Dan that, I swear if I have to hear you declare your love for Dan one mor-“
“Okay, that’s enough, thank you very much,” Phil says, managing to stuff more quiche into PJ’s mouth in the process, rendering him unable to continue what would’ve been like Confession Hour. Not that Dan was thinking about that of course, he was still pretty preoccupied with the whole love part.
“You love me?” Dan asks stupidly, loud enough to turn catch Louise’s attention.
“Yeah, why wouldn’t he? You guys have been dating for a while, right?” She raises her eyebrow curiously and that’s the thing about Louise, she is so so much smarter than him when it comes to things like this. God, Dan can’t even wrap his brain around anything.
He needs some space.
“Excuse me a moment, I need some…a-a-air,” Dan stutters out, hopefully somewhat coherently, and makes a mad dash for the exit. He spots an empty alleyway nearby, a safe refuge from the asphyxiating everything.
He’s not alone, though. He senses someone coming up behind him and isn’t surprised when Phil places a tentative hand on his shoulder. Ever the loving boyfriend, Dan thinks with a snort.
“Are you alright?” he asks then, tone soft and reassuring.
“No, bloody hell, Phil,” he lets out a croaky laugh, running his hand through his fringe. He’s not okay but he doesn’t need Phil here.
“Go, please.” He can’t hide the tears any longer.
Phil’s breath hitches. His finger hooks under Dan’s chin and tilts his face to his own stupidly blue eyes.
“You’re amazing, Dan. I knew it from the first day we spent together after this stupid plan was hatched. You and I, we’re so good together and fuck I was too scared to admit it to you because I knew you don’t feel the same fucking way. You don’t - never wanted to fall in love with me and I understand but I love you.”
It comes out in a flurry of words and the fact that Phil’s rubbing a hand over his face again and again makes Dan think that maybe Phil’s just as clueless as he is.
And that maybe they can be clueless together.
Dan sucks in a breath.
“Hi, my name is Dan Howell and I’ve been on eighteen blind dates but maybe, just maybe, I won’t have to go on any more.” He steps closer with every word and exhales the last syllable against Phil’s lips, soft and inviting.
“Me neither, isn’t that funny” Phil mutters softly and swoops in to capture his lips in a gentle snog and yeah, Dan feels great right now. It’s right up there with the functioning coffee brewers and meeting Mary Berry outside his café once.
Maybe in many ways, this is even better.
for youtubers-minds
Title: I Like You A Latte
Rating: G
Warnings: None
Word count: 2,010
Summary: Songwriter!Dan finds a coffee shop and invites Phil to join him
Dan Howell was walking through the streets of London back to his flat after a particularly hard night at the studio. Dan loved his job, though, and he wouldn’t change it for the world. Dan worked as a songwriter for one of the biggest producing companies in England. Music had always been one of his passions, and although he didn’t like performing in front of a crowd, he loved writing new songs.
Last night he went in to work with an up-and-coming girl who had one of the prettiest voices he had ever heard. She said her name was Christina and she had been one of the nicest singers Dan had worked with in a while. Most just came in and expected Dan to write everything for them, but Christina wanted to help Dan and improve her songwriting skills. They stayed at the studio until the early hours of the morning before Dan told Christina to go home. He walked her out to her car, but went back inside the studio.
He ended up leaving at 7 in the morning, feeling defeated. He created several new songs that would have been fine, but Dan was a perfectionist, and none of them Dan deemed worthy enough to be sung by a voice like Christina’s.
Dan always took the same way back to his home, but today he just wanted to take the long way and see parts of the area he had never paid attention to. So when he got to the end of the block, instead of taking a right down Berwick Street, he turned left. Dan rarely came down this part of the street, and when he did, it was usually to meet a client at a restaurant a few blocks down.
The air was cool this morning, nothing unusual, a bit pleasant even after staying inside all night. As he was walking past yet another clothing boutique and fast food chain, he saw a spotted a small coffee shop across the street. It didn’t look to be crowded, and Dan was growing more tired by the minute. When he walked in his immediately felt at ease. It was a small place, but it had cyan blue walls and local artists work hanging on them. All the tables and chairs were different colors and textures, adding to the mellow atmosphere.
Dan took a seat on one of the couches in corner, that was hidden away from everyone, and felt himself melt into the back of it. He knew his amazing boyfriend, Phil, didn’t live too far from here. Phil was an early rise, and Dan was starting to miss him, after not being able to meet up in over a week, so he pulled his phone and sent Phil a quick text.
To: Phil From: Dan 07:17 Just got out of the studio and I’m at the coffee shop on Berwick St. Wanna join?
He started to scroll his Twitter, looking at all the partying his friends had done last night, when his phone vibrated with a text from Phil.
To: Dan From: Phil 07:20 I’d love to! Be there in 10.
He and Phil had been dating for almost a year now. They had met last year at a The 1975 concert when Dan had accidentally turned around too soon and bumped into Phil, spilling both cups of beer Dan had in his hand. Most people would have cursed Dan out and/or punched him in the face, but Phil had only laughed and apologized for standing in Dan’s way. Ever since then, they had been practically inseparable.
Dan had closed his eyes for a moment and was in that peaceful zone before the sleep comes, where the lines between reality and dreamland start blur together, when suddenly a pair of soft, warm lips met his own.
“Good morning!” Phil hovered over Dan, wearing black jeans, a soft red pullover, and his glasses, which Dan found to be one of the sexiest things in the world. Phil had one of the biggest grins on his face and his eyes sparkled like they held all the stars in them.
Dan always loved seeing Phil. No matter what kind of day he had or mood he was in, Phil could always make Dan feel better. Likewise when Phil was around Dan he radiated happiness and light wherever they went.
“Hey,” Dan said, stretching his arms, “Glad you could come.”
“So am I,” he grabbed Dan’s hands and pulled him to his feet, intertwining their fingers and slightly swinging their arms as they walked to the counter, “What were you doing working so late?”
“I’ll tell you in a minute,” Dan said.
The barista behind the counter was a guy that appeared to be about in his mid-twenties. He had blonde, slightly wavy hair and looked like he worked at the gym everyday. His face showed disinterest, but it changed when he made eye contact with Phil.
“Morning, Gorgeous, what can I get for you?” He bit his lip while looking Phil up and down. Dan brought his arm around Phil’s shoulders, feeling a rush of annoyance come over him. This wasn’t the first time someone had hit on Phil while Dan was around. Dan had learned that whenever he showed a more visible sign of affection to Phil, most people would back off.
“Oh…uh thanks,” Phil said awkwardly, “I’ll take a large black coffee and a large caramel mocha.”
“No problem, Beautiful. That’ll be €5.”
This guy was starting to piss Dan off now. He was still flirting with HIS Phil, and Phil wasn’t even trying to stop it. Phil reached into his wallet and pulled out the money, but while he was doing that Dan couldn’t help but notice that the guy licked his lips and stared at him with lustful eyes whenever Phil was looking down at his wallet
“Here you go.” The barista gave one of the cups to Phil but held the other one back to write something on it. “My name’s Kai and here’s my number if you ever want to hang out some time, Handsome.”
Dan was completely done with this guy trying to get with Phil. He placed both his hands on either side of Phil’s face and kissed him square on the lips before turning away and leaving the scene. He went and sat back on the couch his was previously on. When Phil walked over, Dan could tell he was trying his hardest to hide a smile. He sat down next to Dan and gave him his mocha before sliding his arm around him.
“What’s so funny?” Dan took the cup in both hands and let the warmth from it radiate through the upper half of his body before taking a sip.
“You,” Phil laughed and brought Dan closer into his chest.
“Me? What about me?”
“You’re just really cute when you get jealous.”
“I was not jealous!” Dan playfully poked Phil it the stomach and placed his cup on the coffee table in front of them. He fit his head into the crook of Phil’s neck; closing his eyes and focusing on Phil’s steady breathing. One of Dan’s favorite things to do with Phil was cuddle. Phil always felt like a warm pillow and smelled like vanilla. “Anyways, it wasn’t like you were trying to stop him either.”
“Danny, you know that I’m yours and some random stranger isn’t going to take me away from you. Sometimes I find it better to just be nice and go on rather than to make it awkward. Enough about this now, you said you would tell me about why you were at the studio so late?”
Dan opened his eyes and saw that Phil was staring at him with the stupidest grin on his face. “A new client wanted help writing a new song, and I couldn’t create one good enough for her voice. I told her to go home way before I left, and eventually it was just me left in the studio. I finally decided to leave this morning, but before I went home I thought I’d walk around a little while.”
Dan yawned and felt his eyes grow wet. No amount of coffee could help him at this point. “Y’know,” Phil said, “you can lay down and put your head on my lap it you want. I don’t mind.”
Dan shifted his body down to Phil’s lap and looked up into his eyes. Dan always loved Phil’s eyes; they made him feel at ease every time he looked deeply into them. Phil ran his fingers slowly and delicately through Dan’s hair. All this combined with the gentle, low music of the coffee shop made Dan close his eyes and start to slip off into a dreamland.
“Hey, Dan?” Phil said softly, not wanting to break the light atmosphere.
“Mhm,” Dan hummed.
“I love you.”
Without hesitation Dan responded, “I love you too, Philip.” It was the first time either one of them had said it, but Dan knew what he felt. He loved Phil, he really did. Dan would undoubtedly give his whole world to Phil if he asked for.
He sat up, placed his hands on Phil’s face, and gave him a long kiss. Phil wrapped his arms around Dan’s waist, pulling him as close as he could.
“Come back to my place and you can sleep in my bed for as long as you want,” Phil said in between breathes, “I do wish I could say our place and our bed though.”
“What are you suggesting?”
“You should move in with me. Think about it. It’s closer to the studio, living costs would be cheaper, we won’t have to go days without seeing each other, and besides I’d be able to wake up to your cute face every day,” Phil could barely contain his excitement and Dan loved it.
“Only if you promise not to get tired of my cute face,” Dan laughed.
“How could I?” Phil gave Dan’s body a tight long squeeze, “Come on, let’s home.”
Dan stood up and grabbed Phil’s hands, pulling him up with a little hop. Dan let out a little giggle as Phil slid his arm around Dan’s shoulders and led him away to his new home where they would never have to be apart again.
for snlogger
Title: The Whiskers Are Important
Rating: G
Warnings: Absolutely none! Unless adoption is a problem for you?
Word count: 3250
Summary: After over a year of waiting and filling out more paperwork than any couple should have to, Dan and Phil are finally bringing their daughter Rose home. Zach is more than excited to finally live with his new big sister and the internet is introduced to young Miss Howell-Lester.
Author’s Note! My friend betaed this for me, but I’m hesitant to put her name here just yet. ^_^ Just send out an undesignated thank you vibe to her. I’m really glad I got to participate in this and I hope you like it!
Today was a very busy day in the Howell-Lester household. Dan and Phil were running back and forth across the house making sure everything was absolutely spotless and that they had everything ready for the video they were filming that night while Zach paraded around with an armful of toys trying to decide which one - besides his beloved stuffed tiger, Binx - was the best and most worthy of showing off. He changed his mind repeatedly, tossing the toy to the floor for Dan or Phil to pick up, then changing his mind again and going back to his room to retrieve it. This started at about ten that morning, took a quick break for lunch, and then continued all the way until 4:37 when Dan looked up from the magazines he was meticulously arranging for the fourth time that day and squawked that they needed to get ready immediately.
Knowing that he would take longer getting ready, Dan told Phil to snatch up their rambunctious six year old and wrestle him into his nice clothes while he dressed and fixed his hair. Forty five minutes later Dan and Zach were both in their smart button downs, Dan in a light blazer and Zach in a bowtie spotted with cartoon dinosaurs, and less than twenty minutes later Phil emerged straightening his own tie while confirming the location of the restaurant. After a round of complements for everyone and double checking that they had the gift they had bought and that Binx was safely in Zach’s hand they all piled into their hatchback and started the drive.
All too soon (or maybe not soon enough?) Dan was pulling up to the valet table and handing the keys over to the smiling lady while Phil gently reminded Zach of the rules when they were at grown up restaurants. Dan and Phil linked hands with a smile and made their way to the hostess desk. “Reservations for Howell-Lester,” Phil said with a pleasant smile.
The hostess nodded and said, “Right this way. The other three members of your party are already seated.” Dan and Phil cast mildly panicked looks at each other as they followed her into the dining area. The dinner was supposed to start at six but they deliberately got there ten minutes early so they’d be there first. Zach didn’t seem to mind because as soon as their table was in view he darted ahead to greet the lady sat there.
“Hi, Miss Annabelle!” he beamed, clenching her skirt in his tiny fists. “Is Rose here? I want to talk to her!”
The adoption agent smiled down at him and said, “Of course she is! Mrs. Lani just took her to the restroom a few minutes ago, so she’ll be right back.” She turned her attention to Dan and Phil who were by this time standing awkwardly at the table. “Hello, have a seat. Like I said Mrs. Lani will be back with Rose in just a bit, but we can get a bit of the paperwork done ahead of time.”
“Thank you so much for meeting with us,” Phil said, pulling out a seat for both himself and Dan. “Terribly sorry about making you wait. Were you here long?”
“Don’t be silly!” Annabelle laughed, pushing her long blonde hair behind her ear. “You three are perfectly on time, Rose just refused to wait any longer before coming. She’s very eager to see you again.”
Dan’s face positively split open with his smile. “We’re pretty eager to see her again, as well.”
As if summoned by the very thought of her, Rose appeared at the end of the row of tables, and when she saw Dan, Phil and Zach she beamed and ran towards them, her blonde cloud of curls bouncing with every step. “You’re here!” she cried, throwing herself into Dan’s lap, arms and legs tight around his torso. “I thought you’d never get here. We’ve been waiting for hours.”
“Oh, we were not,” Lani laughed, sitting down to Annabelle’s right. “We’ve been here about ten minutes,” she assured Phil who looked like he swallowed a lemon at the thought of making them wait that long.
“Rose, we brought you a present!” Zach declared, absolutely done with being ignored. “Dad, show her,” he demanded, tugging at Phil’s pants leg.
At the mention of presents, Rose abruptly quit her koala impression and began tugging at Phil’s other leg in time with Zach. “I want a present!”
“Alright, alright!” Phil laughed reaching down to the floor to grab the metallic blue gift bag sitting there. “This is a gift from all three of us.”
Heedless of his words, Rose ripped away the white tissue paper and squealed when she saw what was inside. She pulled out the stuffed giraffe and beamed at Phil. “Thank you so so so so so much! I love him!”
“You did say that giraffes were your favorite animal,” Dan smiled. She turned around to show her wide smile to him before returning to her place in his lap, which Zach took as a cue to climb into Phil’s lap. “We’re really glad you like him,” Dan said softly, squeezing her in a tight hug while she giggled. “We have some more stuff for you at the house that we’ll give you tonight.”
Rose pulled away from his embrace to look at him with wide eyes. “You mean I’m going home with you guys? Really?”
“Yeah, really!” Dan laughed. “For good, too! You’re going to come live with me and Phil and Zach!”
Rose screeched her delight and buried her face in Dan’s chest, mumbling about how this was the “Best Day Ever.” Dan hugged her even tighter and said with tears sparkling in his eyes, “This is the best day ever.”
There was a soft throat clearing and Dan looked up to see the waiter smiling apologetically down at him. “Drinks, sir?”
“Oh, um.” Dan cleared his throat of the emotions choking him up and continued, “Just water for me, thanks. What do you want, Rose.”
“I want apple juice,” she announced, the words muffled since she refused to lift her head.
“Alright, a water for you and a fizzy apple juice for her,” the waiter confirmed, scribbling on his little pad. “I’ll have those right out and you can order when you’re ready.”
“Alright, Rose, what do you think you want for dinner?” Dan asked, carefully maneuvering his arms around her to open the menu. “What looks good?”
Rose cast a glance at the menu before tossing her head and scoffing, “I’m eight. Eight year olds don’t eat off the kid’s menu.”
“Six year olds do!” Zach proclaimed happily from where he and Phil were deciding on food. “Dad, I want the tiny hamburgers!”
Rose’s eyes widened at the thought of hamburgers that were smaller than they were supposed to be and said, “Well, maybe this time it will be okay to eat kid food.”
_______________
An hour and a half later the dinner party was coming to a close as Phil finished signing his name in all the correct blanks while Dan called and paid for the check and Zach and Rose talked together like old friends.
“Well, I think that about wraps everything up,” Lani smiled, snapping her folder shut. “Annabelle went out to get Rose’s bag so we can meet her outside.”
“Oh, that’s another thing we got!” Phil said suddenly. “We have a suitcase for everything in the car so I’ll go get that real quick!” He stood up, kissed Zach and Rose on the head and Dan on the cheek before darting away.
“Nerd,” Dan muttered fondly under his breath. Lani chuckled and stood, gesturing for Dan to follow suit. He did, setting Rose on her feet and grabbing both Zach and Rose’s hands. “Let’s go, shall we?”
They made their way to the street where Phil and Annabelle were talking, a large black bag of Rose’s things clutched tightly in Phil’s hand. When they joined together Phil smiled and took Rose’s hand in his empty one. “Valet said he’d be back in just a bit.”
“I’m not in any kind of hurry,” Dan shrugged.
“Unfortunately, we are,” Annabelle said apologetically. “We really need to get back to the office and file everything before nine.”
Dan nodded understandingly. “Well, we won’t keep you any longer. Thank you so much for all of your help. We’ll see you in two weeks for the first check in?”
“Thank you for dinner,” Lani countered. “And, yes, we will see you in two weeks. We’ll call that Monday to set up a specific time.” She knelt down to the ground and opened her arms for Rose who quickly accepted the hug. “Goodbye, Rose. We’ll see you soon, I promise. Be a good girl for Dan and Phil, okay?”
Rose nodded. “I promise. I’ve never had dads before, only a mom so this will be lots of fun.”
Lani laughed and stood back up. “I’m sure it will be.” She smiled at Dan and Phil again before saying, “Alright, Annabelle, time to go.”
“Bye everyone!” she said with a wave, following a few steps behind the older woman.
“Bye Miss Annabelle!” Rose shouted after her.
A few moments later the valet arrived with their car. “Here you are, sir,” he smiled, handing over the keys, and when Dan gave him his tip he added, “Thank you very much. I hope you enjoyed your meal.”
“Alright, Rose, we’ve got another present for you,” Dan announced, opening the boot and pulling out a small black and green suitcase with a tiny stuffed animal sized harness on the front. “We didn’t wrap this one though.”
“I picked out the color!” Zach boasted, puffing his tiny chest out. “I have one just like it but mine’s yellow.”
“I like green,” Rose beamed, stuffing her giraffe into its harness. When she was done she unzipped the suitcase and motioned for Phil to dump her stuff in it.
“Wouldn’t you rather fold them up so they stay nice?” Phil suggested. When she adamantly declined he shrugged and did as she said, silently telling himself to take care of it when they got home. “Alrighty, into the car we go!” Rose nodded happily and climbed into her booster seat and let Phil buckle he in while Dan strapped Zach into his carseat.
They drove home, Phil and Rose swapping animal facts (Rose’s getting more and more fantastical and probably made up) and pulled into their driveway, letting the two kids out to race for the front door.
“Okay, Rose,” Phil said, sitting her suitcase down. “You know how Dan and I make videos, right? Miss Annabelle showed you some before.” When she confirmed he continued, “Well, Dan and I wanted to do a video with you and Zach tonight, would you be okay with that?” Rose’s eyes lit up and suddenly Phil knew they had a little diva on their hands. “Yes! I wanna be in all your videos!”
“Well, maybe not all our videos,” Dan laughed, “but you can definitely be in lots of them.”
“Zach, are you in the videos?” Rose demanded.
Zach shook his head with a small smile. “Zach gets nervous around cameras,” Phil explained, “but he said he wanted to make this one with you.”
“Yeah!” Zach agreed. “Dad and Daddy have a video with me on my first night and I want to be in your first night video! I want to tell everyone about my new big sister!”
Rose beamed at him and threw her arms around his neck. “You’re the best little brother ever.”
Zach squeezed back while Dan put everything he had into not bursting into tears. “Okay, you two,” he choked out. ‘“Let’s get started on that video, yeah?”
Both children nodded eagerly before climbing on the couch where Phil had the camera set up. “Dad, are we gonna do whiskers?” Zach demanded.
Phil cocked a brow at him. “Well, I don’t know. Do you think we should do whiskers?”
“Yeah!” Zach nodded. “Rose, do you wanna do whiskers?”
Rose just tilted her head to the side. “What whiskers?”
“Well,” Phil explained, “every year Zach, Dan and I do a very special video and we always draw cat whiskers on our noses. Does that sound like something you’d want to do?”
Rose’s bright blue eyes lit up and she nodded quickly, all of her hair flopping with the movement while Zach cheered. “I’ll get the markers!” he offered, darting towards his room before anyone had time to protest. With the speed only a six year old can muster he returned with two black washable markers clutched in his fist. “I’m gonna do Dad’s and you can do Daddy’s okay?”
Rose grinned and nodded, taking the offered marker. When she turned on Dan with it uncapped he laughed and quickly said, “How about we wait until we start filming?” Rose pouted but agreed. “Alright, now Phil and I are going to start the video and then you two can hop up okay?”
They both nodded and hopped onto the ground while Dan and Phil took their places on the couch. They both said their introductions and Dan continued with, “So, Zach, Phil and I went to a very special dinner tonight with a very special person.”
“Yeah,” Phil chimed in. “As you all know we’ve been working on adding a new member to our little family and we’re more than happy to announce that she’s here! Zach, Rose, why don’t you both hop up here?”
Without further ado Zach clambered into Phil’s lap and Rose Dan’s where they both waved frantically at the camera. “Rose, why don’t you introduce yourself?” Dan prompted.
“No!” she refused, crossing her arms. “I wanna do the whiskers first!”
“Yeah!” Zach chimed in. “Whiskers are the most important part!”
Dan and Phil both shared a look, knowing that this video would be incredibly easy to edit seeing as neither one of them could bare to cut out bits of the kids talking as per usual. “Too right you are!” Phil laughed. “Begin the whiskering!”
With shaky hands (although Zach’s were admittedly shakier than Rose’s) two sets of whiskers were drawn. “Now it’s our turn!” Phil laughed, tickling Zach’s sides and taking his marker while he giggled madly. Rose promptly handed hers over to avoid the same fate, but continued to snicker at Zach’s misfortune. Moments later Dan and Phil were done and the whiskered family beamed at the camera.
“Will you introduce yourself now that we’ve all got marker on our faces?” Dan asked.
Rose nodded and proudly stated, “My name is Alondra Rose Harris Howell-Lester, and I’m eight years old, and I like giraffes.”
“Anything else?”
“No, I’m done.”
“Well, there you have it guys, video’s over. See you all next time,” Dan sassed, making a movement to get up and turn off the camera.
“No!” Rose squealed, clinging to his neck. “I wanna keep going!”
“How about we answer some questions?” Phil suggested and Zach nodded quietly in agreement.
“Well, we don’t have any questions from the audience so I guess we’ll just make some up,” Dan said. “Alright, Rose, are you ready? What is your favorite dessert?”
“Brownies!”
“Favorite movie!”
Rose paused for a moment to think her answer over, chewing her bottom lip in concentration. “Uhh… Lion King!”
“I like Princess and the Frog,” Zach said shyly before hiding his face in Phil’s chest.
“Those are both great movies,” Phil smiled, adjusting Zach so he was more stable. “I think my favorite is always going to be Big Hero Six.”
“Phil you can’t keep milking that one line cameo forever,” Dan laughed. “Although, honestly same.”
Rose whipped her head around to look up at Dan in awe. “You were in amovie?”
“Me and Phil just said a couple lines in the UK version.”
“Can we please watch it?”
“Tomorrow,” Dan promised. “It’s already pretty late as is.”
“Okay,” Rose pouted, crossing her arms. However she was quickly distracted by Phil asking her about her favorite color.
They continued asking one another increasingly silly questions, Zach chiming in every now and then before retreating back into his shell, until the little ones started yawning. Dan glanced at a wall clock and his eyes widened comically before announcing that it was almost ten o’clock and that it was well past bedtime. Rose kicked up a bit of a fuss about wanting to stay up but when Phil pointed out that Zach was already half asleep and that they’d have to continue filming without him, she conceded that maybe it was a good idea to wrap everything up and go to bed. The four of them all said their goodbyes with varying levels of sleepiness and Dan and Phil both stood with their kid in their arms.
“Good night, Zach,” Rose yawned, reaching out a hand to softly pat him on the cheek. He blinked at her and smiled, bringing his own hand up to pat hers. They were taken to the bathroom where the marker was carefully scrubbed off their little noses and told to brush their teeth before being carried to their rooms where they were changed into their pjs and put in bed. Dan carefully tucked Rose’s blankets around her and kissed her forehead before standing and heading towards the door to kiss Zach good night as well. “Daddy?” Rose said softly in the semi dark. “Can you go get Dad?”
Dan smiled, heart full to the bursting that she had decided so quickly to accept them as her fathers. “Yeah, he’ll be right in. Do you want me to stay until he’s here?”
Rose nodded. “I got something important to tell you.”
As if on cue, Phil appeared in the doorway. “Zach’s waiting for you in his room,” he told Dan.
“Rose has something important she wants to tell us.”
Phil immediately turned his attention to his daughter and smiled, “What do you got for us?”
Rose fiddled with her blankets for a moment before jumping out of bed and running to them, wrapping her arms around their thighs. “Thank you for taking me home,” she whispered. “I love you.”
Phil was struck absolutely speechless by this declaration but Dan dropped to his knees and pulled her into a tight hug and said, “Thank you for coming with us. We love you more than you’ll ever know.” He then yanked on Phil’s pant leg which kicked him into action and he fell to the ground as well and brought both of them into his arms.
They stayed like that for a moment, all hugging each other tightly, until a small voice sounded from the doorway. “Daddy?”
Dan looked up to see Zach standing there with Binx in one hand and sleepily rubbing at his eye with the other. “Hey, buddy, I was just about to come see you.”
“You know, how about we all sleep in the grown up bed?” Phil suggested, knowing that there was no way he’d want to be separated from any part of his family tonight. “Does that sound fun?” Zach and Rose both cheered while Dan nodded his agreement. Then with Zach in Dan’s arms and Rose in Phil’s they all made their way to Dan and Phil’s room where they piled into the king size bed in the middle of the room, and there they stayed all tangled up together for the rest of the night.
for phanburnhamizzard
The Tonight Show With Jimmy Fallon
Rating: PG-13
Word count (no less than 2,000 words): 2,014
Summary: Dan and Phil are on their last US tour and before the Jimmy Fallon show, Phil gets stage fright terribly bad, Dan has to comfort him out of it or go on without him.
Author’s Note: I’m sorry for that horrible title.
Phil can’t believe that The Amazing Tour Is Not On Fire was almost officially over. It seemed unreal, they’ve toured all over America and now he and Dan were going to be on Jimmy Fallon. It was a big deal for him and Dan, and Phil was extremely nervous about going on the show. He was starting to wonder why he even agreed to do it in the first place but he didn’t want to let Dan down, or the viewers.
“Can you believe we’re actually here?”
Phil was quickly shaken out of his thoughts when he hears Dan’s voice.
Dan has just gotten back to the dressing room they were staying at, he’d just finished using the bathroom, and they still had a little bit to go before they actually had to go out to be interviewed.
Phil looks over at Dan. “Yeah,” he mumbles, nervously rubbing his arm. He can feel a panic attack coming, which makes him more nervous than he already was before, and he was desperately trying to hide the fact that he was nervous from Dan… but Dan knew him so well and knew when he was having a panic attack.
“What’s wrong?” Dan asks, frowning when he noticed that Phil was being unusually quiet.
“Nothing. I… I guess I’m just nervous, that’s all,” Phil says, biting his lip. At least he wasn’t lying.
“Phil,” Dan sighs softly and then walks over to him and bends down in front of him. “It’s going to be fine.”
“How do you know that?” Phil asks, looking down at him. “How do you know something won’t go wrong and I won’t go out that and make a fool of myself in front of millions of people?”
“I…” Dan bites his lip. “I don’t know, but there is nothing to be worried about-”
“How can you say that?” Phil asks as he stands up from his seat. “This is different than doing an interview in the UK because pretty everyone knows us. This is new territory, we’ve never been on a US show before. People from the US could hate us, and I don’t want people to hate us.”
“Nobody is going to hate you Phil,” Dan says softly. “It’s impossible to hate you.”
“Just because you like me doesn’t mean everyone else does,” Phil mumbles, letting out a small sigh. “Do you know how many people watch his show? Millions, Dan. Millions of people watch his show!”
“Phil, you’re going to be just fine, I promise you. It’s completely normal to be nervous,” Dan says.
“I just don’t know if I’m going to be able to do this,” Phil takes a deep breath and then he starts pacing around the dressing room, trying to get his mind off of everything that was making him nervous.
Dan frowns as he watches his boyfriend pace back and forth. He wishes that Phil had more confidence in himself because he was an amazing human being and so many people loves and adores him.
Dan just hopes that he’ll be able to get Phil to calm down before they have to go on the show.
****
“Dan, I really don’t think I can do this,” Phil says quietly as he stands with his boyfriend. They were standing backstage and were about to go on to be interviewed by Jimmy Fallon any moment.
Phil was starting to panic attack and the thought of letting down Dan was absolutely killing him, but he really didn’t want to do this. There were too many negative thoughts circling around in his head.
“Phil, take a deep breath,” Dan says softly as he gently takes Phil’s hand.
Phil tries to take a deep breath as Dan tells him, but it doesn’t help. “No, I can’t. I can’t do this,”
Dan pushes Phil away from everybody. “Phil, I don’t want to force you to do something you’re not comfortable with. I know if I was in your position that you’d do the same for me,”
“No. Are you crazy? You can’t go out there by yourself,” Phil frowns.
“One of us has to do it, and if it’s not going to be you… it’s going to be me. I’ll be fine,”
“Wait… you’d really go out there by yourself?” Phil asks, shocked that Dan would even suggest that he go and do the interview alone. It just didn’t seem fair to Phil that Dan would have to do the interview alone.
“I don’t necessarily want to be but I’m not going to cancel the interview at last minute,” Dan says.
“I just feel bad. We’re supposed to be doing this together. Dan and Phil, not just Dan,” Phil looks down and he almost wants to cry because that’s how awful he feels about this whole thing. He hates that he has these stupid panic attacks that stop him from doing what he wants to do.
“Hey, stop,” Dan gently lifts Phil’s chin up with a single finger and kisses him. “It’ll be fine. Don’t worry, everything will be fine. I promise. I’m not going to let anything happen, okay?”
Phil wraps his arms around Dan and hugs him tightly. “I love you,”
“I love you too,” Dan whispers before pulling away from the hug.
“Dan, Phil. We’re going on in five,”
Dan quickly looks over at the man who had spoken to him. “Actually, Phil won’t be able to go on…”
“What, why not?”
“He’s not feeling well so I’m just going to go on. I apologize for the last minute change,” Dan says calmly.
Phil frowns as the guy walks away, and he groans loudly.
“Stop,” Dan says as he looks over at Phil. “Everything’s going to be fine. I promise I’ll do you proud.”
“I know you will but I wish you didn’t have to do me proud. It should be me and you going out there,”
“It’s okay, Phil. I’m not upset with you and I’m sure everyone will understand,” Dan assures.
Phil takes a deep breath and slowly nods. “Okay. You should probably get going,”
Dan nods. “Yeah. Everything will be fine. I promise,” he whispers before gently kissing Phil. “I love you.”
“I love you too,” Phil whispers before kissing him once more before watching as Dan takes off.
****
Dan closes his eyes and takes a deep breath, and then Jimmy Fallon is introducing him.
“You may know this next guest from the popular youtube channel, danisnotonfire. Or from Dan and Phil, please welcome… Dan Howell!”
Dan finally steps onto the stage and the audience screams, and Dan’s honestly a little surprised.
“Hi!” Dan smiles as he walks up to Jimmy and shakes his hand.
“Nice to meet you,”
“Nice to meet you too,” Dan says. He looks over at the audience and waves.
“Please, have a seat,” Jimmy says as he points Dan to the chair.
“Thank you,” Dan says politely as he sits in the chair beside Jimmy’s desk.
“How are you?” Jimmy asks once they’re both sitting down.
“I’m fine, thank you for asking. How you are?” Dan asks, looking up at him.
“I’m great. It’s great to have you on the show finally,” Jimmy says. “It appears as though we’re missing somebody though.” He looks around for a moment before looking back at Dan.
“Uh, yeah. Phil got sick last minute so he wasn’t able to do the show,”
“Working too hard?”
Dan chuckles. “I guess travelling around America can be pretty exhausting,” Dan wasn’t lying either, because both he and Phil have been completely exhausted since they started their tour back in the UK, and while he loved performing for his audience every night, it was just tiring.
“Speaking of… your tour is about to finish, am I correct?”
“Yes. I can’t believe it. We just have a couple more tours and then we’re done, for now…” Dan smiles.
Dan was surprised by how smoothly the show went by even when he was without Phil. Usually he was nervous to do things like this without Phil but Jimmy was such a chill guy that Dan even mind it.
“How did I do?” Dan asks nervously as he walks into his and Phil’s dressing room.
“Amazing!” Phil smiles as he stands up from the chair he had been previously sitting in.
“You’re not just saying that, are you?” Dan asks.
“No, of course I’m not just saying that. You were a pro. If you were nervous, I couldn’t even tell, Dan,” Phil smiles and he’s honestly so proud of his boyfriend going out there despite being alone. “You did great.”
Dan sighs in relief. “Thank God. I was so nervous,” he laughs. “I was worried I’d mess it all up!”
Phil wraps his arms around Dan’s waist and gently pulls him into a kiss. “I’m proud of you,”
Dan grins and kisses him back. “Thank you. See? Nothing went wrong,”
“I know that. I just… I didn’t want to go out there and make a fool of myself,” Phil says. Phil’s lucky enough to have a boyfriend like Dan that will do something like this for him, and still supports him even when he gets scared or nervous over silly little things. After all the times Phil’s fallen over on stage during tatinof, Phil thinks he has a good enough reason to be nervous about doing interviews like this.
Jimmy Fallon was a big deal, and Phil knows he wouldn’t have forgave himself if he had somehow messed it up, so it was probably a good thing that Dan went on by himself. Dan did a fantastic job anyways.
“You wouldn’t have, but I completely understand,” Dan nods.
“Seriously, you did amazing. It looked like you had such a fun time,” Phil smiles.
“Yeah,” Dan nods. “Jimmy Fallon is a really cool guy. I’m glad we got to come here and do this.”
“People are going to freak out when they see,” Phil laughs. He can finally relax now that the shows over, and he doesn’t have to worry anymore. Phil felt like he couldn’t relax until the interview was done.
“We should go out tonight and celebrate,” Dan says as he sits down in one of the chairs.
“Celebrate? What are we celebrating?” Phil asks curiously as he watches Dan.
“Come on, being on Jimmy Fallon is a huge milestone for us. We have to celebrate,” Dan says.
“Oh,” Phil says. “I mean, yeah. We should celebrate. How about we go out to dinner?”
“Sounds perfect,” Dan smiles. “We haven’t been able to go out in a while.”
“You’re right. I’m glad we’ll get to get out tonight,”
“Hey,” Dan reaches up and takes Phil’s hand in his own. “I love you.”
Phil grins and holds Dan’s hand tightly. “I love you too,”
Dan and Phil hang out backstage for a bit, just talking to random people and even meeting viewers.
“Hey guys, thanks for coming to the show today,”
Dan smiles as soon as he sees Jimmy. “Thanks for having us, it was a blast!”
“I’m sorry I couldn’t make it on the show,” Phil says apologetically.
“That’s alright. I understand it must be exhausting travelling around America,” Jimmy smiles.
“You have no idea,” Dan says, and Phil laughs.
“Good thing we don’t mind doing it,” Phil says. He looks over at his boyfriend and can’t help but smile.
“We hope to have you on the show again,” Jimmy says.
Dan and Phil take a quick selfie with Jimmy before they finally head back to their tour bus.
“Hey, we wanna stop for dinner if that’s alright,” Dan tells their bus driver.
Dan and Phil sit down next to each other in the lounge, and Dan lets out a sigh of relief.
“I still can’t believe tonight actually happened,” Dan laughs as he rests his head on Phil’s shoulder.
“You did great. I promise to actually do the interview with you next time,” Phil jokes.
Dan chuckles and a smile forms on his face. “It’s okay. I still love you,”
“Oh, I’m glad,” Phil laughs and he rolls his eyes playfully.
For songlyricsandscars
Title: Follow You
Rating: PG-13
Warnings: Dan has a potty mouth and there’s a sorta verbal fight
Word count: 2,436
Summary: With Phil on the verge of moving out, Dan gets upset and flees their flat. Phil becomes worried and goes searching for him.
Author’s note: The title is a Bring Me The Horizon song that I really like (and this isn’t a song fic) & this is a 2012!phan fic ;)
2:06 pm
Winter had always been Dan’s least favorite season. As much as he enjoyed Christmastime and the spirit around it, he dreaded the cold. He sat in the office, eyes glaring at his open MacBook, with a huge blanket draped around him. Today, he had dedicated the whole day to editing his new video. This one, he believed, was going to be the best one he had uploaded all year. Not that it was his last of the year, but certainly the most impressive. But instead of doing this, he slowing lost interest as soon as he sat.
For unknown reasons, instead of editing, he went onto his folder of pictures on his most prized possession. He had stored all the pictures he’d taken on his phone ever since he got the laptop. Most of the photos were ones he should’ve deleted, screenshots of old articles or memes that were funny in 2010. But then, he came across some more personal ones. A selfie he had taken in 2011, him and Phil smiling in front of the BBC. He remembered taking that right before the Christmas special last year. Dan looked closer at the photo, just to see the glare in their eyes, their nervous but hopeful eyes.
Oh yeah, Phil. He purposefully wanted to edit to forget about him. Phil had mentioned the day previous that there was a flat down a few blocks he really drew attention to. See, Dan likes to feel he’s the victim, and the one to blame for all of this is Phil. Which, certainly isn’t true, and they both knew it. Their two month standing feud had apparently gotten to Phil, to a point where he wouldn’t even make eye contact with Dan. And if Dan was honest, he doesn’t even remember what they got so upset about, so he didn’t even know what to say to Phil. At this point, he wanted to apologize, even though he through-and-through told himself to be the strongest. That’s just how Dan Howell worked.
After solemnly looking through pictures he so happily taken with Phil over the years, Dan had risen out of his seat and padded down the stairs to his room. He had just completely forgotten about the video editing, he admitted he was too tired to even think about it. Now, he just planned on snuggling into bed and sleeping for about 12 hours.
That was, until at that exact moment Phil Lester decided to make his way up the stairs, causing the two boys to slam into each other. Dan had fallen onto the step he was previously on, while Phil just completely tumbled toward the floor below. Dan would like to get up and walk over Phil like nothing happened, to completely forget about Phil and his feelings. Instead, Dan sat upright and gave in, sobbing into his cold hands. He cared too much about Phil to do that but didn’t dare help him, so what’s the point?
“Uh Dan, are you alright?” Phil sat up, thoroughly undamaged from the tumble. Dan peered out of his hand cocoon, looking right into Phil’s eyes. They appeared duller than usual, as did he. With a quick glance, Dan could see the tiredness in Phil’s face and he lacked definition all over. The realization came to Dan, maybe this dispute was getting to him more than Dan had previously thought?
“Um, yeah. I’m just…sorry I’m just really tired.” Dan clambered onto his feet, his face puffy from the quick tears he shed. This is the first time he looked Phil in the eyes in 2 months, and now he couldn’t stop. As short as he made his response, Dan wanted to stay in that position for as long as possible.
“I was just heading up to get my suitcase. I told you I’m moving out next Friday, right?”
And Dan quickly dropped again, this time to his knees. Now he was definitely crying, and evidently did not want his weakness shown to Phil. But it was. And he couldn’t do anything about it.
Dan felt a weight land next to him, and an arm around him. Phil had pulled Dan close to his side, but with caution. He knew Dan was damaged, and fairly was sleepy.
“Do you not want me to go? It’ll be the best for both of us, and I think we both know that,” Phil whispered, leaning near Dan’s ear, “I’m sure you’ll be fine on your own.”
Dan sniffled into his black sweatshirt, raising his head just enough to meet Phil’s eyes. They flared with sorrow and anger, something Phil had never seen in his eyes before. And he wasn’t expecting the answer Dan gave, either.
“You’re right. I’ll be fine,” and with that, Dan rose from his position, and marched his way down the few remaining steps. He knew Phil never cared. He was selfish and just wanted the best for him, he never really thought about Dan’s feelings.
“Hey Dan…I just thought I’d let you know- I have a date coming here Thursday, so you best be staying in your room with an attitude like that.” Phil’s voice echoed throughout the whole flat, sternly. Did…did he really just say that? What right does he have to treat him like this?
Dan turned on his heel, and glared at Phil. Phil stood confidently on the steps above him, but almost…cowardly?
“Maybe I’ll just leave now to make it easier on you”
“Why now? It’s Monday- Dan, you act like a 5 year old! I’m sick of this!” Phil called to Dan, who stomped the path to his lowly-lit bedroom. Was he asking for a fight? Because Dan Howell will not lose a fight, even if it is against Phil.
“I act like a 5 year old? Says the one who’s treating me like one! Grow a pair, Phil!” Dan really was strong, but sometimes on the inside, he needed release. Tears formed in his eyes again, with his hands clenched at either side. This, was a nasty fight.
“You’re just jealous because you can’t live your own life. You’re like a puppy!” Phil held stable, his eyes not leaving Dan’s over-moist ones once. Phil had always given in when Dan cried, but this time he was determined to act superior.
“Fine then,” Dan slammed his feet along the ground, his voice hiccuping from the crying, “you certainly don’t need me, so I’ll just leave. Have fun with your life, you asshole.” And with that, Dan had marched down to the front door, slid his vans on, and struck the door shut behind him.
He left Phil behind him, on the opposite of the door, blind-sided. He figured that Dan would’ve given up and either went to bed or gave into Phil. This time, Dan’s feelings had been played too much.
//
8:34 pm
Phil rested on the couch in the living room, with some cooking show playing in the background. His eyes were glued to his phone, mindlessly scrolling through fan art and edits of him and Dan. It had been about 6 hours since Dan had left, and Phil assumed Dan would’ve come back by now. He tried ringing Dan’s phone, but both times he was taken straight to voicemail. Was he worried about Dan? Kind of. If Dan wasn’t to return in the next…8 hours, then he should worry. Besides, he probably just crashed at a friend’s flat- right?
Maybe Phil just needed sleep, Dan was perfectly fine. He knows Dan wouldn’t just sleep on the streets. That wasn’t a very Dan thing to do, at least he thought. Phil shut the TV off and retreated to his bedroom. Throwing on his checked pajama pants and an old white shirt that had a hole or two, he snuggled into his bed. At this moment, Phil did not want to think of his younger, vulnerable friend. Best friend.
//
7:13 am
Phil rolled onto his side, for the fifth time this hour. He was worried sick. Dan hadn’t returned home, and after a few texts to some friends, he certainly wasn’t with them. He doesn’t know why, but his instinct told him to go search for Dan. Would he really go that far away from here? As soon as the sun peaked through his window, Phil lept out of bed to put on some old black jeans that may be dirty, and a jumper Dan gave him for Christmas last year. Running down the hall, he slipped on a pair of dirty converse. He yearned for Dan’s return, as it just felt too empty without him.
London was consistently the busiest place at any time of day. Phil knew this, which is why he prefered to not be out during rush hour. Dan and Phil’s flat was outside the town square of London, so it looked like their own little neighborhood. They both learned the area around them, and Phil especially knew the space Dan preferred. To the right of their flat was a little pathway that led to some benches and a lovely sitting area, where mostly the old folk and young children hung around. If you continued straight to where the path ended, there jutted a large tree with the biggest rock in probably all of London. Phil knew Dan came here to think, he always did. There was no one around, and although loud, it was a very peaceful place.
Phil stepped along the cobble until he came to the grass, to which he treaded along. It was so cold here, how could Dan have possibly spent the night outside? He definitely did not know Dan as well as he previously thought. Walking up to the tree, he noticed no figure there, instead the rock stood alone with the tree.
He certainly wasn’t expecting this. Where could he had possibly gone off to? Looking straight ahead, Phil saw the busy crosswalk in between their flat and the one next to it. A bench lay slightly to the right, only so Phil could see the left half of it. Someone was laying on it- wait, those looked like Dan’s vans he left with. Did he sleep on the streets?
After bustling between the two flats, Phil took notice that maybe it wasn’t as busy as he first thought, since with a quick glance there by chance was 5 people alone on their roadway. One stuck out like a sore thumb to Phil: Dan, arm slung down on the bench he was resting on, his face pressed against it, directly toward Phil. His heart skipped a beat looking at Dan lying there, he looked so hopeless and barren. Cautiously, Phil shuffled up to him, placing a cold hand on Dan’s even colder body. Dan’s breaths were shallow, and a small cloud came out of his mouth each time he exhaled.
“Dan? Wake up. It’s Phil,” he shook Dan with enough power to wake him. Dan slowly opened his eyes, squinting as soon as the brightness of day hit them. His eyes appeared to be glazed over with tiredness and regret.
“What are you doing here? ‘M fine here, lea- me alone,” Dan mumbled out, his voice shaky from the cold. Phil definitely felt sorrow looking at his younger other half. The life was drained out of him.
Phil kneeled next to him, not letting his hand move. “Phil! ‘M fine! I said le-,” is all he got out before his face contorted, his face becoming moist with tears. “I’m sorry, I want to go ho-home.”
Without a word spoken, Phil lifted Dan from his resting area, stood him on solid ground, and hugged him. Phil’s warm embrace seemed to make Dan even more emotional, with tears streaking Phil’s jumper.
“Please don’t leave me,” Dan’s voice was muffled, he didn’t dare pick his head up.
“I won’t.”
//
9:04 am
It was safe to say this is the most Dan had cried in a limited amount of hours. His head was leaning back against the wall, his arms neatly folded over one another. His face was puffy, but lively, after he and Phil made up. After Phil scolded him for leaving, of course.
“So Dan, explain to me what you did exactly,” Phil casually questioned him, sitting on the chair opposite him.
“What I did?” Dan bobbed his head, which already ached from the tears it’d endured.
“Dan, what the hell did you do last night? There’s no way you stayed on that bench all night.”
“I may or may not’ve taken that 50 from your coat earlier to buy some drinks at the pub downtown,” Dan nonchalantly answered, as a smug look appeared on his face.
Phil smiled at him, his gaze softening on Dan, “I’m not mad about that I su’pose, as long as you don’t get a damaged liver.”
“The only thing damaged in me is my heart, “ Dan dramatically looked into the distance, as if to make Phil feel bad.
“You’re such a twat, I hope you know that,” they both laughed in sync, although Dan’s formed tears in his eyes.
Dan’s feet played with the carpet, as the awkward silence around them grew. “So are we made up again?”
Phil directed his attention to Dan, whose head was now relaxed on the sofa. “I guess. I don’t want to have another one of these ever again. I’m sorry for whatever I did, I promise.”
“So, still going on that date then?” Dan asked curiously, now looking at Phil.
“Date? Oh- uhm, maybe?,” Phil stuttered a bit, his eyes shifting from Dan’s to his feet on the floor below him.
A smirk appeared on Dan’s face, who was ready to laugh hysterically at the redness of Phil’s. “I bet this person is great. I mean, they got Phil Lester’s attention.”
“Mmhm”
“Phil I know you’re lying, look at me!,” Dan was between giggling and sternly asking Phil about his new love interest.
“Leave me alone,” Phil retorted, smirking as he looked up at Dan’s eyes, squinting with laughter.
“You’re too up my ass to leave me, Phil Lester,” Dan choked out, his laughter becoming louder. Phil got up from his position on the chair across Dan, a pout forming along his lips.
“Not as far up as your are mine,” Phil laughed, shoving Dan aside on the couch to make room for him.
Dan looked up at his elder, a smirk playing on his lips again. “Cuddle me?”
Phil tackled Dan’s side, taking his whole body down. “Not until you kiss me for worrying me so much.”
haven’t received a fic yet? big wave in the next 24 hours!
the FINAL big wave of pinch-hit fics is now in our queue and will post over the next 24hrs. I’m going through our spreadsheet and fingers crossed it looks like by tomorrow evening almost everyone will have a fic. The reason we waited to do it in a wave was that if we just posted the last of the fics randomly when they came in there was a big chance of the receiver missing them, as they were so spread out. The easiest way to check if you have a fic or not is to go to phanficexchange.tumblr.com/tagged/YOUR URL. Thanks everyone who took part and special thanks to the pinch hitters who saved our asses at the last minute!!
for tinybeanlester
#tatinof
rating: T warnings: brief mentions of food/drinking, some language word count: 2,310 summary: moments from being on the road, as told by dan and phil’s most recent instagram captions. platonic!phan — about to go on stage at playlistlive for our first usa tatinof show! the adventure begins.
“Are you ready?” “No,” Phil laughs, nerves and excitement adding a tremble to his answer. “When am I ever?” “You’ll be great,” Dan whispers, grinning at him and giving him a silly thumbs up that at least makes Phil smile. “Promise. Besides, we already did this once. It’s just the same.” “But bigger,” Phil corrects him. “But bigger,” Dan concedes. “Which makes it more fun.” The song playing to the audience switches and an overwhelming mass of screams sounds from out on the stage. Phil turns to Dan with wide eyes, but Dan just shakes his head and gives Phil a smile. “They’re excited, Phil. They want to see us. The show is great, we sound great, we look great- wait, hang on. Come here,” Dan says suddenly, sizing Phil up and noticing the smudge on his forehead. “Oh my god, you have a giant black mark under your fringe, what did you do? Jesus Christ, Phil, okay, help me out.” Dan holds his finger out for Phil to lick, and then he’s frantically scrubbing at Phil’s skin, probably destroying his foundation. He’s holding his perfectly styled fringe out of the way to try and keep it looking okay, and Phil just snickers, which is his undoing. This is a really unhelpful time for Phil to get the giggles, but here he is, two minutes until the show starts and his cheeks have gone red, tears gathering in his eyes. The situation isn’t even that funny, but the combination of his own idiocy, Dan’s exasperation, and his heightened emotions sets him off. And that sets Dan off. And all of the crew are glaring at their two stars, doubled over, bursting into a fresh set of laughter every time they make eye contact. “Thank you,” Phil finally says, wiping a tear from his eye and standing up. “Always,” Dan says softly, and then they pull each other in for their customary pre-show hug. “I love doing this with you,” Phil says quietly, squeezing him a little tighter. “Same here,” Dan replies, and then the music is fading out and the lights are dipping, and it’s showtime. — we’ve completed our white girl pilgrimage to the first ever starbucks in seattle “Cheers,” Dan says, and Phil rolls his eyes, but obligingly nudges his plastic cup against his friend’s. “Cheers to what, exactly?” Phil asks after taking a sip of his iced coffee, eyebrows raising in approval as he realises it isn’t as bad as he was expecting. “Oh, I don’t know,” Dan drawls, fixing Phil with the look. “Maybe our sold-out tour? Maybe how well everything is going? Maybe the fact we’re at the firstever Starbucks?” “You’re not going to get soppy on me, are you?” Phil teases, but Dan just glares at him over the top of his straw. “Fuck you, then. I retract my cheers.” “I don’t think you can do that, you idiot.” They wander round for a few moments in silence, sipping at their coffees and marvelling at just how many people are milling about. It’s a sunny day admittedly, but it’s still busier than they expected, so they’re searching for a shady spot to settle in for a moment. Dan had insisted on taking a photo in front of the store, so Phil can put that nightmare behind him. “Let me try yours?” Dan asks, already holding his own cup out to Phil to swap. “I don’t think you’ll like it,’ Phil says, but hands it over anyway. They take a sip from each other’s at the same time, and while Dan grimaces and Phil fixes him with a ‘told you so’ look, Phil takes another sip and nods his head. “No, don’t drink it all,” Dan glares, snatching his cup back out of his friend’s hands and shoving his own back at him. “Sorry, I forgot I was getting coffee with a five year old,” Phil sighs, accepting his own coffee back and relinquishing Dan’s tasty drink. “Shut up,” Dan grumbles, nudging Phil and laughing when his straw misses his mouth and bops him on the nose, leaving a little froth there. “Now you shut up,” Phil huffs, but there’s no real intent there, and he’s hiding his own smile behind the hand he’s using to brush it off. “How about there?” Dan asks suddenly, motioning to a low wall under cover of a tree. Phil nods his approval and they wander over, plopping down so their legs touch in a comforting way. They automatically drop the backpacks one on top of the other so Phil can stretch his feet out over them, and Dan leans back to rest on one hand, curling his finger through one of Phil’s belt loops. He’s not sure why he does it, but he likes it, so he does. “I still prefer our order back home by the way,” Phil murmurs, after ten minutes or so of comfortable silence spent people-watching. “Well obviously,” Dan laughs, and then they lapse back into the quiet. — can you find all the dan and phils in the chicago bean? “We have to get a photo!” “We’ve stopped for a photo every five minutes, Phil, come on,” Dan whines, even while pulling out his phone. “Okay but look how cool this thing is,” Phil insists. “You said that about the last thing. It was a tree, Phil. A tree.” “I can admit that the tree may have seemed more exciting to me than most,” Phil says begrudgingly, as Dan fixes him with a look. “But this really is cool! Look at it! It’s a giant mirrored bean, come on.” “Fine, fine,” Dan huffs, shuffling up to his friend more out of habit at this point. He’s lost track of how many photos they’ve posed for over the years, how many images he has stored on his laptop that show various outtakes of the same shot, usually mucked up by one of them laughing hysterically. “On one condition.” “What’s that?” Phil asks cautiously. Once upon a time he would have agreed without hesitation, but he’s known Dan for too long to trust him that easily now. “We go get some food after this,” Dan grumbles. His stomach has been growling for a good half hour now, and soon enough, they’ll have to get back to the bus and head off for the next stop. As much as he enjoys the time he and Phil get to spend together just the two of them - after all, that’s how it normally is, and being surrounded by so many people all of the time is still something he’s adjusting to - food is still a priority. “Deal,” Phil says, excitedly getting into place. After Dan’s camera roll is filled with approximately thirty seven shots of them, Phil agrees that they’ve captured ‘the one’, and they wander off in search of food, happening upon a hot dog vendor not so far away. “This is so American,” Phil chuckles as they finish off their hot dogs, Dan heaping onions on to them both while Phil works around him to artfully drizzle ketchup across the tops. “You sound like such a tourist,” Dan laughs, handing Phil’s hot dog over to him, along with a tissue, because he’s known Phil for too long to trust him with such messy food. “We are tourists!” Phil says excitedly, exchanging his hotdog for the wallet they keep in the backpack Dan’s got responsibility for today. Later that afternoon they get an ice cream to share, and Dan’s just about to go in for the last visible choc chip when Phil dives in and licks it up. “I’ve never hated anyone more than I do you,” Dan grumbles, as Phil just grins at him, a blob of mint choc chip on his nose. — we didn’t want to get wet “Holy shit,” Dan utters, as Phil whistles. They’ve just arrived at the theme park they’re spending today at, and the place is heaving. The queue just to get in already looks a mile long, so they dread to think what the ride queues are like. “We have priority!” one of the crew members calls out from the back of their little huddle, and they all cheer, making a detour to the fast track entrance and breathing a sigh of relief at the considerably shorter line of people. This is one of Phil’s favourite parts about tour. Of course, of course, he adores going up on stage every night with his best friend, performing to the people who have been watching his videos for all these years, but the days off, the days off just seem like a holiday with his favourite people in the world, and it’s the best feeling. As Phil looks around at their crew, the people who all agreed to come and be a part of this crazy, travelling mess, he feels lucky, and happy, and home, even when he’s four thousand miles away. He glances at Dan, who is cracking a joke with someone, who senses Phil’s eyes on him and looks up and gives him a reassuring smile, and Phil thinks that maybe he could be anywhere and he’d be home if he had Dan with him. There is something about his best friend’s presence that keeps him feeling secure and grounded at all times. He doesn’t know if it’s Dan himself - probably not, the boy irritates him to no end, he thinks wryly - or just the knowledge that the person Phil holds of most importance in the world feels just the same about him. “We’re going on the log flume right?” someone asks, and Phil zones back into reality, handing his ticket over to get scanned while nodding in the general direction of whoever proposed the ride. “I’ll get wet,” Dan moans, and looks down at his highly inappropriate choice of clothing. “Just pull this thing up over your head,” another crew member cracks, tugging at the neckline of Dan’s top, but Dan just glares at him. Later he will end up taking that advice, but for now, a glare is what is needed. As Phil steps away from the ticket barrier, he looks around the theme park before them with wide eyes, overwhelmed, as ever, by just how big everything is in America. He can already hear the screams and cheers of people enjoying the rides, and feels the familiar thrill in his stomach at the thought of being on one very soon. Without even thinking, Phil slides his hand into Dan’s, who squeezes it gently, and then they set off in a random direction, figuring they’ll hop on whatever they come across first. “What is this, a buddy system?” someone chuckles from behind them. “Have you ever been to a busy place with Phil?” Dan laughs in return, before sending a wink at Phil. “Trust me, if we don’t want to spend the next week looking for him, this is for the best.” — at the end of our tatinof show in clearwater tonight the entire audience stood up holding these signs!!! “This was so cute,” Dan grins, holding up one of the paper signs someone rescued for them from the show. “I know,” Phil sighs happily, a huge smile spreading across his face as he is reminded once again of how lucky they are. “Tired after today though,” Dan yawns, and burrows further under the duvet. They are lying next to one another in Phil’s bed, covers pulled up to their chests, and a mountain of pillows behind them. Phil’s arm is thrown carelessly behind Dan’s head, and Dan is inching ever closer to just rolling over and resting his head on Phil’s shoulder. It’s something he does all the time, but Phil usually just nudges him off with a groan, so Dan’s waiting until he can do it on the sly. Phil’s shoulder is too comfortable not to at least try. “You do know it’s a reference to Phil Is Not On Fire 1, right?” Phil says, looking at the sheet again. “Wait, what?” Dan blinks, waking up again. “You’re such an idiot, oh my god,” Phil laughs, nudging Dan in the ribs with his elbow and making his friend squirm. “I just thought they were all having fun, and assumed we would be too,” Dan says sheepishly, and Phil rolls his eyes. “You’re useless, Howell. Go on, choose a film and prove you’re not all bad.” Phil lies back and smirks as Dan puts on a show of choosing a film for them. This has become a habit they never intended to pick up, but neither of them mind. After the buzz of doing a show, they need to unwind somehow, because the adrenaline racing through them doesn’t settle for a good hour or so. Of course, cocktails are the preferred method of relaxing, but that isn’t always an option, so a movie in bed together comes a close second. “Budge up,” Dan says, slotting the film into his disc drive and clambering back into the bed. “What did you choose?” Phil asks as he moves aside for Dan. “It’s a surprise,” Dan grins, and takes advantage of Phil craning his neck to look for the case to sneakily settle into Phil’s arms. The best part about children’s films is that they are short, which is definitely what is needed, because once the hype wears off, Dan and Phil deflate rapidly. “I should go to bed,” Dan says sleepily as the credits begin to roll, reluctantly getting out of the warm bed. “Mmm, g’night,” Phil smiles at him through half-lidded eyes. “Out of curiosity…” “Hmm?” “Is this the most fun you’ve ever had?” Dan asks, cocking his head. “Yeah, of course it is,” Phil laughs softly, shaking his head at his friend. “Don’t think it could get any better.”
One of the Fics recently submitted really looks like a fic I read a while ago? Idk exactly but when I read the fic submitted here some parts seemed almost exactly the same? I could contact phanficion catalogue to see if they can find the Fic I'm thinking it's like? Just to make sure no authors have had their work stolen? Sorry if this sounds stupid. :/
Could you contact us privately please?
so if my fic was in the first reveal that means i can post it to my blog, right?
Absolutely, yeah!- Noah
can writers post up their fics on their blogs right after submitting them here? or do they have to wait until the fic reveal?
please wait until the reveal! we’re sorry if this takes a while, but we need to keep everything a secret until everyone has a fic. sorry...
- isaac
for Thedoctorscompanion
Title: LesterBloom
PROMPT: Phil is a famous musician, but only in the emo community. Dan wins backstage passes. Fluff or possible smut ensues. Comments: I really like emotional!dan and comforting!phil but you don’t have to include it. Anything you write, I’m sure I’ll love
Words: 6008
Triggers: Unhappy home life, homelessness, bullying
Type: Angst, Comfort, Fluff
Summary: Daniel Howell is a lonely boy from an unloving family. He finds comfort only in the music of his hero, Phil Lester. Phil is the most popular Emo performer in the US, UK and Canada, and his home life had been no easier than Dan’s. A chance meeting brings them together and Phil befriends the younger boy, inspiring him both creatively and personally. Over time, this friendship develops into something more: something that may just fill the deep sadness each has in their hearts.
Daniel Howell stood in awe before a poster of his personal hero, Phil Lester. The contrast between the two could not have been any vaster. The tan, brown haired, chocolate eyed boy stared at the picture of the pale, raven-haired young man with the striking blue-green eyes and felt a stirring in his soul. He wanted to be like him. He wanted his life to be more like Phil’s life. Or rather, he wanted his life to be what he imagined Phil’s life to be like, for the two had never met. Dan imagined Phil as having deep connections with more friends than he could count. He pictured parties, late night talks and inside jokes with people who cared about him and that he could trust; he pictured all the things he did not have.
Dan Howell was a very lonely young man. At 18 years of age, he had three MySpace “friends”, who in real life were no more than just acquaintances. Unless they were teasing him, his classmates kept their distance. His parents were distant as well and, although they provided the essentials of food, shelter and clothing, they did not provide love or comfort, the two things that Dan needed the most.
Try as hard as he might, Dan never fit in with the cool crowd. He felt like he was an “Emo” kid, and he certainly dressed the part, but even though he thought the darkness in his soul matched his wardrobe, no one else in the Emo crowd agreed. To them, he was a privileged upper-middle class boy with stunningly good looks, naturally wavy hair and clear skin. Even his close acquaintances mocked him for his good fortune. When he reached out in times of pain, which were frequent, they scoffed. How could this golden child possibly be suffering in the way that they were? They decided that he couldn’t, and so they never supported him, even when he was in desperate need of help.
Dan was, truly, alone in the world; except, of course, for the one person who he trusted and identified with the most: Phil Lester. When he listened to Phil’s songs, it was as if Phil was reading out a letter that Dan could have written. The music matched his moods and the lyrics reflected the pain in his soul. Oftentimes, he would turn up the volume to the point his ears started to hurt, shut off the lights, close his eyes, and listen to the same four songs over and over until he felt the wall of pain inside him break. Usually, this would lead to tears, but no one ever saw them and Dan didn’t care. He just needed to feel better. And with Phil Lester, he felt better, even if just for a brief moment.
The poster that Dan was staring at announced that Phil Lester, lead singer of LesterBloom, was coming to Dan’s town in a week’s time to perform songs from their number one album, “Heart Bleed”. LesterBloom was the top Emo band in the UK, US and Canada, and Dan never dreamed they would come to his small town. He never thought he would be so lucky as to have the chance to be in the same room as his personal hero.
——————————————————————————————————————————-
“I want to be like him,” Dan thought as drops of rain began to fall from the dim autumnal sky above. He subtly pulled his fringe down a bit farther to partially cover one of his chestnut brown colored eyes. He was wearing his favorite outfit: zippered black jacket, plain black t-shirt, zippered black jeans, black socks and black zipped shoes.
From behind the clouds, the late afternoon sun struggled to illuminate the cobbled pavement where Dan stood in line to buy his ticket to LesterBloom. He was spending all the money he had, but the money was nothing to him in comparison to the hope and excitement he was feeling inside. He could not believe he was actually going to see his hero, his near-savior, Phil Lester, in person. Hero-worship took a hold of Dan as he thought about how he’d be in the same room, breathing the same air, and hearing Phil sing the lyrics that had helped him keep his heart from completely breaking.
“Move, idiot,” snapped the kid behind him in line. Dan had been staring off into space again, a habit that revealed itself all too often in public situations.
“Sorry,” he said softly, as he shuffled forward towards the window.
His heart was racing as he approached it. To him, this was literally a life changing moment: he was about to make his first physical connection to Phil Lester, even if that connection was just the acquisition of a ticket.
“One, please” said Dan, and the young woman at the counter gave him a quick once over, then a clearly dismissive look, took his money and handed him the ticket with a face filled with thinly veiled disgust.
“Poser”, he heard her say under her breath as he walked away from the window. But he didn’t care. Not now. Not when he held the ticket to his future in his hands.
—————————————————————————————————————————-
Phil Lester was the hottest thing in Emo music. No one ever thought of him as a poser. His back story was filled with heart breaking tragedy and hard work. He had started off in the North of Manchester as the second child of a poor family who loved him, but couldn’t afford to support him. When he turned 14, to ease the burden on his family, he left home and started sleeping wherever he could: typically libraries, fast food restrooms, and back rooms at the record shops where his friends worked. When he couldn’t find a place to sleep, he simply rested his head in the woods with nothing but the sky for a blanket. Some days, he even went without food.
Then, one fateful day, while playing guitar and singing for change next to a convenience store, a 16 year old kid sat down next to him. The kid just listened, saying nothing. After 4 songs, the kid, named Rob, spoke up. “You’re really good, man. You should totally open for my band. We’re playing at the Rec Center tomorrow. You cool with that? I can’t pay you, but you can hang out and eat with us after if you want”. Phil jumped at the opportunity–not only to perform but also to get a good meal–and immediately agreed to open the show.
The show went well and Phil got a good, if modest, reception from the meager- sized crowd. The band he opened for liked his gritty, passionate lyrics and asked him if he wanted to open for them the next weekend. He accepted, and soon, word started to spread about this quiet kid with the dark past and edgy lyrics.
In a few months, more people were showing up to see Phil open than to see the main band. Wisely, they invited him to become the lead singer and started incorporating his songs into their set-list. After 2 years of working their way up through the ranks, LesterBloom was born. The first single from their first album, “Quietly Loud” was also their first number one best seller around the world.
Phil’s lifestyle changed dramatically with their success, but his personality never varied a millimeter. He sent money back to his family and they no longer lived in poverty. He remained a kind, thoughtful young man who took the time to meet his fans after each and every show and to sign autographs until the early hours of the morning. The music industry was taking notice of Phil and the reviews were glowing.
Tragedy struck, as it typically does, out of nowhere, when Phil’s best friend and band mate, Rob, was killed when their tour bus rolled over on the highway. Phil and the rest of the band were devastated, and for a while, it seemed that LesterBloom might be disbanded due to grief. However, they pulled themselves together, mostly from the support and spirit of Phil, and they soldiered on, gradually returning to shows. Phil took on more and more responsibilities in the group, letting the others simply rehearse and perform, and slowly they began to heal. All the while, Phil was writing, and a year later, their best selling album to date, “Heart Bleed”, was released and dedicated to Rob.
——————————————————————————————————————————-
“Heart Bleed” was Dan’s favorite album of all time. The lead song was raw with the emotions of loss and pain, and “Raining Inside” the second single, seemed to describe his life perfectly.
When nighttime finds you home
Are you alright to spend a night of being all alone
Or do you hide between the lines of conversations past
A wall of words
A heart unheard
That hides behind the mask
The lyrics touched his soul. No one understood his pain like Phil Lester did. No one else knew his loneliness.
At school, he sketched pictures of Phil in his notebook and copied the lyrics of his favorite “Heart Bleed” songs over and over. His MySpace was a shrine to Phil, with “Raining Inside” playing on a constant loop. He saved up and bought black and blue eyeliner and started wearing his eyes like Phil did, though the effect on his soft brown eyes was not as striking.
As the day of the concert approached, Dan touched up the Phil shrine in his bedroom, re-arranging the cut out magazine photos hung on the wall and re-positioning his CDs along the shelf beneath. He blogged about the upcoming show on his MySpace, but none of his three “friends” answered back. Of course, everyone at school was talking of nothing but the upcoming show, but when Dan tried to interject his own excitement into a conversation with his acquaintances, they responded only with mocking laughter.
“You? You’re going to the LesterBloom concert? They won’t let you in, you poser, haha!”
“Dan thinks he’s going to see LesterBloom! OMG that’s hilarious.”
Dan bit his bottom lip, tucked his hands into his pockets, and walked away, head down. He was going to see Phil Lester and that was that. Then these guys would see that he was no poser. He was real.
——————————————————————————————————————————-
The night of the show, Dan dressed up in his blackest-black outfit and heavily applied the black eyeliner under both eyes. He walked right past his indifferent parents and out the front door.
He walked downtown by himself, his footsteps echoing against the walls of the old city buildings in the darkness. It was 9:30 pm and it was all he could do to keep his pace regular. The excitement had built up inside of him so much that he wanted to burst into a run. Phil Lester was in his town! But he knew better than to show that kind of emotion and he didn’t want to get there too early. It was already going to be awkward seeing his friends there. If he timed it right, he’d get there just as the opening act began and he wouldn’t have to talk to anyone.
In fact, he did time it well, and the lights were going down in the auditorium just as he walked in. “Hateful”, a local emo-punk band, came out with a roar from the crowd and started right in with their best song, “You Don’t Know”.
You don’t know
What I feel
You don’t know
My pain is real
Dan sang along softly, keeping his eyes looking straight ahead and trying to blend in with the crowd.
He was at the very back of the room and was planning how he could get closer to the stage when something sharp and painful hit his shoulder.
“Oh, sorry” yelled the young man who had run into him.
“It’s okay” Dan yelled back, turning to look straight into the blue eyes of Phil Lester.
——————————————————————————————————————————-
“I always watch the opening act from the back. Well, at least their first few songs. It helps me get an idea of what the crowd is like,” said Phil, who was applying a cold cloth to Dan’s gashed shoulder backstage, “Steve here is sorry he cut your arm with the mic stand. He was sneaking it in because he’s the worst crew member ever and forgot it in the truck, haha.”
“It’s alright,” Dan said in a monotone voice, completely unable to think of anything else to say. And for a moment, there was an awkward silence and Dan could feel every second of it like tiny daggers to his soul.
“So, what’s your name?” Phil asked.
“Dan,” he replied, not entirely sure if this was the correct answer. His heart was racing in his chest and he could hear his pulse in his ears. He kept his hands in his pockets so Phil wouldn’t see them shaking.
“Listen, Dan, I’ve got to go on in a few minutes, but I want to make sure you’re okay. Do you want to hang out with the crew and watch the show from the side of the stage? That way I can keep an eye on you and then we can talk a bit after the show.”
“Yeah, okay, sure” answered Dan, stunned.
“Great! Enjoy the show!” said Phil, who patted Dan on his other shoulder and walked away towards the stage.
The stage manager got a bandage from the first aid kit and applied it to Dan’s left shoulder, which by this time had stopped bleeding.
“Come with me, kid” he said to Dan, and he led him to the side of the stage where Phil and LesterBloom were standing and waiting to go on while the opening act finished their final number.
Dan stared at Phil as if he was watching a movie. He barely even blinked so as not to miss anything. Phil jumped up and down a bit to work out some nerves, gave all his band mates a friendly punch in the arm, and ran out onto the black stage, which immediately lit up with purple, orange, green and blue lights all around one white spot light that shone directly on Phil. Dan was blown away by the roar of the audience.
Phil and the band went right into “Heart Bleed”, an uptempo tear-jerker, and Dan, who by this time was completely overwhelmed, began to cry. He felt the tears well up in his eyes as he sung along and he made casual gestures to wipe them away without anyone seeing. He needn’t have worried, as no one was looking at him. Everyone was enraptured by the performance going on in front of them. Phil Lester was ripping out their hearts, and the entire audience loved it.
By the fifth song, Dan was moshing all by himself on the side of the stage, lost in the heart tearing words and the sick beats. He was mesmerized by Phil’s electric and charismatic performance, and the connection he felt with the young man with the tragic history was stronger than he had ever felt before. He had been touched by Phil Lester! And Phil Lester was going to talk to him after the show! Even though he had no one to share this moment with, and even though the loneliness still ate him away, he felt something else that he hadn’t felt in a long time. He felt happy.
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The finale was “Raining Inside”, a heavily-beated, deeply emotional song about the loss of Rob. There was not a dry eye in the house and Dan had long ago stopped trying to hold back his tears. Phil sang:
Sometimes we’re raining on the inside
Our hearts well up with tears and start to pour…
The entire crowd was singing and Dan was totally beside himself with emotions. He was in pain, and yet it was the good kind of pain. Someone understood him. And that someone was 15 feet away.
After the show, there was chaos. Dan was swept to the side as security pulled Phil and the band past him and into the backstage area. The lights came on and the the venue started to empty out. Even through the buzzing in his ears, Dan could hear the sounds of the crowd getting softer and farther away. The crew started breaking down the set as the lights came up, and Dan stood on the side-stage for about 10 minutes. Fear crept up in his throat as he worried that he had been forgotten. He told himself that he should have known this would happen. Of all the people in the world, he wouldn’t be lucky enough to get to talk to Phil Lester again. He felt the tears begin to well up and sting his eyes. As the muffled sounds of the crowd faded into silence, he decided no one was coming for him; it had been fifteen minutes now. By the time he turned and shuffled towards the exit door with his head down, his eyes were so filled with tears that he could barely see where he was going.
“Hey, Dan?!” yelled Phil. “Dan?!”
Dan spun around to see Phil back on the side of the stage, calling for him.
“Yes, I’m here!” Dan replied as he jogged back up to the stage.
“Dan! I couldn’t find you backstage and I thought…hey, are you crying?”
Dan wiped his eyes, ‘NO, no, just yawning. I was tired and….yeah. Just yawning.”
Phil walked up to Dan and put his hands on his shoulders, “Dan, are you okay?”
“No,” he heard himself say, and then he started to sob.
—————————————————————————————————————————-
Dan was sitting in the tour bus, on a soft booth seat, with Phil Lester himself sitting catty-corner to him.
“It’s just that,” Dan sniffed, “I don’t have any friends and I’m so lonely. It hurts.”
Phil looked at the young man, then down at the floor. He knew the pain of loneliness very well and he empathized deeply with Dan.
“And,” Dan rambled on, “my family doesn’t care about me and everyone thinks I’m a poser and no one wants me and I’ll never find a boyfriend and I’m going to be alone forever!”
“Wow,” said Phil, scooting closer and wrapping his arm around Dan’s shoulders. “That’s a lot of worries for one person to have. I don’t know you very well yet, but I do know that you aren’t a poser. You have deep emotions and I bet your writing is amazing.”
“How…how did you know I write poetry?” asked Dan, astonished.
Phil smiled, “I can hear your talent in the way that you talk, Dan. You aren’t shallow. You are creative and the people in your school are really missing out on something special if they aren’t friends with you yet.”
Phil handed Dan a Kleenex and the younger boy dabbed his eyes and blew his nose.
“I’m sorry I’m rambling on about this when I just met you. It’s just that, well, no one has ever really listened to me before,” Dan apologized. “I’ve never really had anyone to talk to and I feel like I can talk to you, you know?”
“Hey Steve, can you grab Dan here a bottle of water?” asked Phil, and Steve soon returned with a chilled bottle. Dan drank it greedily and it felt good on his parched throat.
“Where do you do your writing?” asked Phil with a kind smile.
“Mostly in my notebooks. I put a few on my MySpace but no one liked them.”
“May I read them?” asked Phil, gently.
“Um, you want to read them?!” Dan asked back, incredulously.
“Of course I do! I love reading what talented people write!” Phil answered.
Phil pulled out his laptop, a machine that Dan had only seen in movies, and hooked it up to the wired line that the venue had provided. In a few minutes, they were looking at Dan’s MySpace.
Phil examined it carefully, taking the time to compliment the design and even the font choices. He thanked him for playing his song on repeat and talked to him a little about the pain he had gone through while writing it.
“Where are your poems?” Phil asked eagerly, as he scrolled, “Oh, there, there I see them.”
And suddenly Phil Lester was reading Dan’s poems. Aloud. To Dan.
Dan wasn’t sure what to do with himself. He had a silly grin on his face and he kept playing with the water bottle, but the whole time he kept his eyes on Phil’s face, looking for any signs of disapproval or disappointment. He found none.
When he finished reading, he said, “Dan, these are wonderful! I could make a song out of these two here,” he said pointing, “The first could be divided into three verses and the second could be the chorus. I mean, these are just great, really great!”
“Thank you,” said Dan, stunned and in awe. “That really means a lot. I mean, coming from you. I mean, your writing is so…. good and I just love it and it just seems like you write the way I think and feel and no one else knows how I feel, you know? I mean, I just wish I could write like you do.”
“I love it, Dan. You promise me that you’ll keep writing, okay?”
“I promise” said Dan.
“And hey,” said Phil, who had noticed the distinct lack of MySpace friends but didn’t want to bring it up in a negative way, “I’d like to ask you a favor. I’d like to keep in touch and keep reading what you write. I think the easiest way to do that would be to be MySpace friends. Will you add me and I’ll add you back?”
Dan’s jaw opened but no words came out.
Phil just smiled, his striking blue eyes looking into Dan’s with a care and compassion that Dan had never felt before.
“Yes, sure, of course, I mean, Yes, of course,” stammered Dan.
And with a few clicks, they were MySpace friends.
“You know, Dan, I think we’re about the same age. You’re 18, right?”
“Yeah,” answered Dan.
“It can be really hard to deal with life when you don’t have any support from your parents or friends. Especially at our age, you know? But I believe in you,” said Phil, softly, “Stay true to yourself and write what you feel. Those guys that are ignoring you and teasing you? They are jealous of you.”
“No,” Dan began , “There is no way they are …”
“They are, Dan, I promise. You aren’t like them and they can feel it. You aren’t some shallow kid who wears eye make up and calls himself Emo: you are a gifted writer with a beautiful soul–a soul that is hurting, yes– but still a beautiful one. Never cover that up. It is the people who are unique who end up making a difference in this world, Dan. You are one of those people.”
“Phil, we’ve got to head out” came the call from Steve at the front of the bus.
“Hey, is your mom picking you up, Dan, or do you need a ride?”
“Oh, no she isn’t, but I can walk, I mean, I wouldn’t want to put you out of your way,” Dan said, hoping against hope that he could prolong his contact with Phil for even just a few more minutes.
“Steve, we’re dropping Dan home on the way. Dan, where do you live?”
Dan gave Steve directions, and on the way home, Phil signed Dan’s “Heart Bleed” CD “To Dan, You’re Amazing, Always, Phil Lester”.
When they reached his house, Phil gave Dan a prolonged hug as they stood just outside of the tour bus.
“You keep writing, okay? I’ll be checking!” Phil said to Dan, encouragingly.
“I will, I promise!” said Dan, as they broke their embrace.
Phil stepped back on the bus and stood on the stairs and waved as the doors closed.
Dan smiled. For the first time in a long time, he smiled: unironically and without a speck of pain in his heart, he smiled. As he stood under the yellow rays of the streetlight watching the bus drive away, he knew something inside him had changed. His broken heart had begun to heal. His life was going to change. He just knew it.
—————————————————————————————————————————
Over the course of the next year, Dan and Phil kept in close touch through MySpace and eventually started talking to each other on Skype. The relationship was truly a blessing for both young men, as Phil was inspired by Dan’s brilliant writing, and Dan was gaining self-confidence from Phil’s gentle encouragement. Slowly, the celebrity/fan relationship changed to one of close friendship. They talked through the nights on Skype and they developed a closeness that Dan had yearned for all of his life.
As the months passed, their friendship grew and blossomed into an affection that surprised them both. When they were not on Skype, they were texting; when they were not texting, they were on the phone. Although they were hundreds of miles apart, they were becoming inseparable.
Almost a year to the day from their first meeting, Phil and LesterBloom returned to Dan’s little town. Phil got Dan front row seats and Dan got the surprise of his life when Phil announced to the crowd, “This song was written by my friend, Dan Howell, who is a gifted writer, a good person, and many other things–but definitely not a poser”. Dan’s breath caught in his throat as he heard Phil begin to sing one of his poems to hundreds of people. The crowd loved it and Dan beamed with pride. Phil gave him a wink from the stage when the song was over and Dan felt himself turn crimson with both embarrassment and pride.
After the show, Dan met Phil backstage and they walked together to the tour bus for some privacy.
“I can’t believe you wrote music to my poem!” Dan exclaimed.
“Did you like it?” Phil asked
“Of course, yes, I mean, you were amazing!”
“I’m glad you liked it,” said Phil. “And you’re the one who is amazing. Those lyrics touched a lot of people tonight.”
“Thank you, Phil,” said Dan, overwhelmed, “I can’t say that enough.”
“I’ve missed you,” said Phil, out of nowhere.
“I’ve missed you too,” Dan replied, suddenly feeling butterflies in his stomach.
Dan looked into Phil’s eyes and a silence overcame them both. The affection between them had grown, but what was this feeling?
“Dan, you’re out of school for the summer in a few weeks, right?” asked Phil.
“Yes, starting August 2. Why?”
“Well, I was thinking, how would you like to come with us on the rest of the summer tour ?”
“Are you serious?” asked Dan.
“Very. Dan, I want to spend time with you and I want you to have the time to write more. And trust me, you have nothing but time on a tour bus! Also, you need to get away from those people you call your “friends” and hang out with guys who really like you for who you are.”
“Phil, you totally don’t have to sell me on this. I definitely want to go!” Dan said with a beaming smile.
They both laughed.
Then an unexpected silence built between them. A tension rose in Dan’s stomach. It was a feeling he had never really felt before: one of dread and yearning, of fear and desire all at the same time. He did not know what to do with it. All he knew was he was staring into his best friend’s eyes and yet he somehow wanted more.
Phil’s breaths quickened slightly with a yearning he had not expected to feel. This beautiful boy in front of him was staring at him and all he wanted to do was get closer to him.
And so he did.
Phil leaned in and softly took Dan’s upper lip between his own. Dan stopped breathing, feeling a stirring deep inside and a yearning for one thing: more. He closed his eyes and parted his lips slightly, allowing Phil to gently press into his lips a bit farther. They were softer than he had expected. They were warm and salty. And all that Dan could think was that all of his life he had been a half and now he was whole.
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The summer tour allowed Dan and Phil to spend every day together for three months. Days not spent on the road were spent at amusement parks, museums and local scenic locations, and nights were spent platonically sharing a warm bed in the back of the bus. Dan hadn’t been cuddled since he was a baby, so the sensation of Phil holding him as he fell asleep was heavenly to him. He learned that he enjoyed being the “little spoon”, that he loved soft, sensual kisses, and that waking up to a kiss on the forehead was his favorite thing in the world.
Finally, that endless summer came to a close and Dan had to get back to start University. He was no longer afraid of what others would think of him. Through the support of his best friend and the new friends he had made while on tour, he had developed a self-confidence he had never had before. He enrolled in University and immediately became the center of a small group of good friends who were attracted to his self-confidence. No one called him a poser and a few people even asked for his autograph. His old “friends” even made it a point to congratulate him on his success, though it was obvious they were doing it so they could meet Phil. Dan took great pleasure at brushing them off.
As much fun as Dan was having at University studying law, he nearly flunked out from spending so much time on Skype with Phil instead of studying. They stayed up past midnight talking and often fell asleep with the program still open.
One night, right before spring break, Phil asked Dan, “Hey, I’d like to fly you out to London for the week. Do you want to come? I mean, it will be lonely at Uni with everyone gone and I know you aren’t looking forward to spending time with your parents.”
“You know I’d love to,” answered Dan. “I miss you so much!”
And so, the plans were made and before he knew it, Dan was on a plane headed to London.
At the airport, Phil stood with a sign that said, “Beautiful Boy”, and Dan blushed as he rushed over to Phil and slapped it out of his hands to the floor.
“Well, it’s true!” said Phil, laughing.
“Oh my God!” said Dan, laughing but also mortified, “I can’t believe you did that!”
They took the limo back to the hotel and Phil helped Dan carry his luggage into the penthouse suite. Dan immediately noticed there was only one bed and leapt onto it without hesitation.
“Cuddle me!” Dan demanded.
Phil laughed, and climbed into bed, gently encircling his arms around Dan’s shoulders and resting his head on Dan’s neck.
“I’ve missed this,” whispered Phil.
“Mhmm. Me too,” said Dan.
Dan reached back and stroked Phil’s straight black hair. Phil closed his eyes and smiled, slowly caressing Dan’s calf with his foot. Their breathing slowed and became in sync.
“Dan?”
“Hmm?”
“I love you.”
Dan turned slightly towards his back and looked into Phil’s eyes. “You do?” he asked, hesitantly, for he was afraid he may have misheard as this could not possibly be true.
“Yes, Dan. I love you.”
“No one has ever said that to me before”
“I know, sweetheart. I know.”
Dan’s eyes filled with tears. He turned to his left side and faced Phil, burying his face into his chest. As he wept, Phil kissed his hair and caressed his back.
“Shhh. It’s okay, Danny. It’s okay,” Phil repeated softly, holding Dan gently in his arms and rocking him until he finally fell into a deep sleep.
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The next morning, they awoke in each other’s arms. Dan’s eyes were puffy from crying, but Phil saw nothing but beauty when he looked into his face. He gently kissed Dan and to his surprise, Dan held him when he began to pull away.
They held the kiss for what seemed like an eternity, until finally, Dan broke it and looked into Phil’s eyes.
“Phil? I love you, too.”
Phil smiled, his eyes warm and beaming with happiness.
Foreheads pressed together, they gazed deeply into each other’s eyes, breaths slowly synchronizing. They said no more words, for they needed none. The silence between them was one of comfort and trust, safety and home.
Phil reached up and brushed a hair away from Dan’s eye. He let his hand rest on the younger boy’s hair and brought his other one up to cradle his head.
“Dan,” began Phil, softly, “I feel a closeness to you that I’ve never felt with anyone. It’s strange actually–I feel so close to you that all I want to do is get even closer. Does that make sense?”
“Yes”, Dan answered, his breath quickening.
“I don’t want you to feel pressure, though, Dan. I’m happy just to hold you. We don’t have to do anything more if you–”
Dan leaned in and kissed Phil greedily on the lips. He let his hands drop from around Phil’s shoulders and to his waist, where he pulled the older boy closer to his hips. Phil’s hands moved down also and began to gently caress Dan’s back and buttocks. Sweet, passionate kisses continued as they innocently explored each other’s bodies, finding joys and pleasures they had never experienced before.
An hour later, Phil was above Dan, holding his face in his hands as Dan’s neck tilted backwards, his mouth agape in silent ecstasy. As his body rocked in waves of pleasure and a single tear rolled down his face, Phil whispered to him, “I love you, I love you, I love you” over and over and over again.
—————————————————————————————————————————-
Dan scratches away in his notebook, his latest existential crisis bringing him sadness and pain, when suddenly a wave of peace washes over him. He pauses a moment, then turns to a clean page and jots this down:
At the end of the day, I have you by my side
And the worries and cares of the world slip aside
I can take a deep breath with your hand in mine,
And the future seems bright as our two lives align
He tears the page from his notebook and leaves it on Phil’s pillow.
Phil reads the poem from Dan and smiles. Not quite the poet that Dan is, he sits down and works hard on his reply for about an hour, then tears the sheet of paper out of his notebook and leaves it for Dan on his piano.
You break down my walls
As no one else can
It’s so hard to believe
You were once just a fan
For now you’re my everything
My day and my night
I look at your smile
And the world seems so bright
For you’re my protector
My guardian knight
Within your safe arms
My imagination takes flight
So play me a song
Love me best you can
For you are my angel
You are my Dan
The creak of the piano bench awakens Phil from a fitful sleep. The soft notes of the classical piece gently played for him from the next room send him back off to sleep, this time to dream of his soulmate, his friend, his lover, his Dan.
EPILOGUE
Dan Howell’s songs are typically the most popular ones on LesterBloom’s concert setlists, topped only by the songs from “Heart Bleed”. He and Phil share a flat in London where they have a small dog named Linus Van Pelt and a hamster named Timothy. Their daughter, Kara, is in Grade 2.
THE END
Notes: Raining Inside is taken from the song “Raining on the Inside” by Amy Grant Gill and Kathy Troccolli.