SadButKindOfPoetic

The truest version of me on the Internet. Which is probably why I won't give anyone I know my url

[dropdeadbeautiesxo]

https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCJKkDLsBN4g7v0KlyYjmY0g

[graphicmusic]

idfc // blackbear

[dropdeadbeautiesxo]

Follow @graphicmusic

[sometimes-ihateyou]

[introverts-hideaway]

[phanpeterick]

I can't sleep

And it's like trying to go to bed on Christmas Eve. Except there won't be shiny new toys to play with when I pull myself out of bed in the morning. Just a part time job at a grocery store and a full time job missing him. He broke my heart and I can't sleep. It's like waiting for Christmas morning - except awful..

[phanpeterick]

5AM

He broke my heart. I still haven't slept. And I work in three hours.

[jeongyeons]

[doctorwho]

Series 8 - Dark Water

[me13in]

[paramass]

[officiallittletattoos]

Origami boat on a watercolor wave tattoo on the left inner forearm. Tattoo artist: Eva krbdk

[phenomenal-vibrations]

Reblog if you're a cuddler.

[phanpeterick]

If I had a soul he'd be my soul mate

I'm a ginger and I think I'm funny sometimes but I really just love my boyfriend with every ounce of my being.

[phanpeterick]

There's so much love here 💕

[phanpeterick]

Something about him..

I swear I sleep better when I hear his voice before I go to sleep.

[phanpeterick]

All the things I can't tell you.

I know that you said I can talk to you whenever I needed to, about anything in the world. You've promised me time after time that no matter what time or what you're doing you'll be there if I need to talk. But I don't need to talk. I don't have much worth saying. Not to mention, I'd scare the life out of anyone who cares about me, and probably be put in an institution, if the majority of what's in my head came out of my mouth. That's besides the point though, because I don't need to talk. I just need to hear your voice, or someone's voice, but preferably yours. I really resent myself for a lot of parts of me, but especially that one. I dispose that I constantly need reassurance of the things that should be facts by now and I don't understand how hearing the same statements and straining to believe them time and time again does me any good but I seem to need it to stay calm. It's like one day I just stopped believing what people say to me because I had so many times before and found lies I wasn't looking for, and answers to questions I refused to ask for fear of being hurt. I don't understand a great deal of things, and that I could live with. However, I don't understand a great deal if things about myself, and that scares me because if I don't know myself, who does? If nobody knows me, how can anyone love me? How can anyone love me if I don't love me? All this crying, all this screaming that only happens inside of my head, the pain I get in the back of my throat when breathing feels like choking on my own lungs. What is it and why is it me. It's not just a part of me anymore. It's consuming me because even when it's not happening I'm scared of it happening. I'm scared of it more than anything else. It'll take you away from me. So I'm here at nearly 2am, crying so hard it hurts, and I have the choice of calling you, waking you up to let you repeat the same thing you said to me last time this happened, or putting down my phone and telling myself the same thing I tell myself every time I choose not to call. They're just tears, they'll be gone by morning even if you fall asleep with them. But why don't I call? You said I could. You told me to and yet, so often, I choose not to simply because I'm scared that the smartest boy I know will come to his senses and realize just how bad I am for him; realize that I'm poison. No amount of love, no matter how monstrous, can change that. And it's that same monstrous amount of love that stops me from from feeding you the poison that is me. So I'll tell myself, they are indeed just tears. And they will in fact, be gone by morning, even after I stumble into sleep with them grappling down my cheeks. And my pillows will hold onto them, hopefully, the way I know you would hold me if you knew all the things I can't tell you.

[phanpeterick]

Not quite the worst.

It's not quite the worst feeling in the world - but it's pretty damn close. Crying yourself to sleep every night, sobbing yourself into a half sleep that let's time go by faster but you wake up even more tired than when you went to bed. Waking up every morning and dragging yourself out of bed, feeling like shit, again. Then forcing yourself to get ready because the only thing worse than feeling like total shit is looking like total shit and feeling like total shit at the same time. Finding yourself stalked by thoughts that could break hearts. When there are only two things you can think of to help you sleep. Option one: you screw up every time; what's the damn point? Option two: everyone will be mad at you because you were 'doing so well' and you 'promised you wouldn't.' Or finally feeling okay; remotely decent, right before bed, like, maybe, you get some sleep tonight - real sleep. Maybe you'll dream, and then wake up to your first - or, hell - your second alarm. Maybe you'll look in the mirror and not feel the urge to throw something really hard at at. So you crawl into bed, hopes up higher than they've been in days and damn does that feel good. Then you crash. The tears break free like you've been holding it in for hours. You shatter. Cause what's the fucking sense, feeling good, if you're just gonna feel like shit again in 5 minutes anyway. Those are almost the worst, but not quite. The worst, is when all that's left of you is all of those, and they are an anchor that is dragging down the person you love. You're already drowning and god damn it that was fine with you while it was just hurting you. You didn't give a shit what happened to you. Or, you still don't, but someone else does and you're not the type to do something you know will hurt someone else. Hurting someone else is the last thing you intended. Hurting someone you love -like this- by being stuck the way you are, bringing tears to their eyes because you got stung by a bee: that's the worst feeling in the world. It's enough to make you hate yourself even more. Hah, didn't think it was possible? Guess again. Cause when someone else, who cares about you, matters more to you than you matter to yourself, they feel what you feel. You just wanna be numb - but wait - you can't. You promised.

[phanpeterick]

September 23rd 2015 - 10:44PM

"We accept the love we think we deserve” I never realized how true this was until now. The kind of people you surround yourself with is a really good indicator of how you feel about yourself, and often we do this subconsciously. Think about how you’re treated by people, how you allow them to treat you, and how you deserve to be treated. Every one of us deserves to be treated like gold. Maybe, you meet someone and the treats you like gold sometimes, and for some reason that’s good enough for you. Why is that good enough? You’re worth so much more than ‘sometimes,’ you’re worth ‘always, everyday, every second I’m with you and even when I’m not.’ And I promise you that. But sometimes, we let sometimes’ be enough, and sometimes there’s an always right in front of you and it doesn’t even matter because the sometimes is easier, and truthfully you don’t want anything that matters because if it matters you have got something to loose, if it matters, you matter, and if you matter to someone else you have to matter to you. But a lot of times, you don’t. And if you don’t matter, love doesn’t matter and all you think you deserve, is a love that doesn’t matter. And then an always comes along and you avoid it, ignore it and shut it out instead of letting it in because what you have is what you think you deserve. A love that matters would mean you matter and that doesn’t make sense to you so you’re stuck in a position where you can’t accept a better kind of love. Or is that just me?