Me and my packing buddy (a past professor of mine) were literally putting the last boxes in the car, and my sister got home early from work. My dad had texted, asking why the garage door was open because he has some kind of smart home app that tells him that stuff. She saw my car was packed full of stuff and asked me what was going on, so I came out to her. She cried and said she was upset that I was leaving, not that I was gay (given that she said she’d disown me if I ever came out, not so sure about that). She excused herself and drove to my grandparents’ house, where she told them, and I assume that they told my parents, because I got a text from Dad not long after that said, “If you love me at all, call me right now.”
I wanted to call them once I was at a safe distance, so we drove eleven exits away. We stopped at a gas station and I called my parents. My mom just got home and was sobbing, saying she’d went into my room and it was empty. My dad was furious. I came out to them, and they said they didn’t care, either (but it was very clear that they did). They wanted me to turn around and come straight home and explain myself to them. I talked to them for around 25 minutes and told them I will come talk to them on Sunday night (which they strongarmed into being Friday night—which I will NOT be attending). It took me several tries to convince them to give me space. I hung up on them after a while.
On the call, they constantly talked about “how hurt WE are” and that the fact I feel unsafe with them makes them feel “hurt.” They never acknowledged my feelings. They said they didn’t understand why I would feel so unsafe to be honest in their house (hint: it’s the homophobia). I told them about times they made me feel unsafe, and they scoffed and said that these things “never happened.”
When I finally got back to my apartment, they were waiting for me there in the parking lot. They somehow beat us there. They interrogated me for 30 minutes and wouldn’t let me go upstairs until I gave them answers about myself and who I’m dating right now. They said I’m too gullible and naive to be dating someone I met on the Internet, and that I’m an idiot for wanting to marry someone I’ve only seen in person about four times. My mom cried the whole time and played the victim card. My dad was PISSED and said that I was selfish and rude for leaving the house unannounced, especially with a new car (that I’m planning to RETURN to them this week ANYWAY. I even asked them if they wanted me to return it and they didn’t answer me).
They terrified my professor. She usually sees the good in everybody, but she admitted that my parents are powerful manipulators. She said, after the parking lot confrontation, that she even fears for her job a little bit, because they’re so manipulative and hold esteemed positions. I don’t know if she could lose her job for helping me, but if she does, it’s gonna be all my fault.
My sister called me and left a voicemail about how hurt she was. She said that everybody in the family was crying because of me, and that I’m selfish.
They never really did care about how I feel.
They expect me to come back Friday to talk to them. I have my plans set in motion already. I won’t be going back.
I’m scared. Today has shocked me and terrified me and aged me a hundred years. I’ve never cried so much.
I want to believe that I’ve done the right thing. All of my friends are saying that I have.
Yet, all I feel now is this impending sense of dread, like everything is only going to get worse. When does the freedom come? When does the suffering end?
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