I think i was to complicated for her. A "friend" of mine has been an on and off type of friend for me for some years. We went to highschool together but never spoke then. After highschool she reached out to me and wanted to hangout once and we ended up just having casual conversation, and getting intimate but not hooking up. After that night we didnt really speak to each other, until the next time a year or so later where the same type of night happend. This would go on for like 5 years where we would just meet up like once every blue moon and eventually start hooking up and just having casual conversation.... And during that same time, I was going through what i was going through in life. My journey type situation, which has been taking me on a wild goose chase across the globe to find my happiness I guess lol. But, since highschool every day I have just become more and more complex, and deep.
I have become a deep guy, a sensitve guy, who really is soulful and really believes in energy and spirituality, and most importantly, the way we are as humans. Basically i just have become a deep guy from going through what i have go through. And as time went on since highschool to now, I have really become kind of a serious guy, on the inside. I still am casual and fun and hella "Live and let live" on the outside but on the real, im a deep guy who takes things serious.
So, with my "friend", each time we would come across each other, once or twice throughout the year, each time I would notice im just not feeling this casual shit, more and more. Which is unlike my friend who didnt mind the casual shit, because it was just casual, which is fine and I get that. For her and other people who go through what they go through, i guess they do want casual shit every so often so they can just take a break from life sometimes and just chill. Forget whats going on and just enjoy life and fun for a moment... I really do get that and understand it... I think thats why i am the way i am and different than modt because i dont want to be like that. I feel like its a bit sad the way I view life and "bleek" but I like to be real af and honest about how i feel and treat things. I dont want to casually be with or around something if i dont actually want to deal with it or be around it ykwim? Its not like im anti casual though and cant just be chill lol, I do all the time. Casual and cordial. At work, out in my daily life, meeting and talking with new people. Everyday Im like that because I go outside and interact with the world and new people because thats how you have to be to interact with new things. Its respect essentially, not taking things to serious with someone and just vibing out and interacting as best as possible. But see.... For me... I only want to be like that with the outside world.... When i am in my own space or with someone who is in my circle like my family, or best friends, i drop all that casual stuff and act how i really feel. Thats just how u know i really fuck with u and am confortable around you and trust you. I get quiet, or loud, and just give full force emotion or whatever im feeling cause at that point when im with someone i trust.. I can express myself, and really enjoy/live life how i want to, around you. I felt like, thats why im so close to you at this point because you see that about me and you know i can get annoying when im close to you because, im just truly vibing at that point..... Like really vibing and expressing how i feel.
But... Seeing this in writing, i see how people dont want to deal with that all the time lol. Thats where the issue with my "friend" came into play... Because just last night.. On september 28, 2024. She came to nyc and i wanted to see her so we hung out and i guess tried to do the same casual shit again, but this time.. At this age and point in my life.. Im 25 years old and dont want to pretend or act a certain way just to satisfy someone if i dont have too. So I didnt when we hung out and fully expressed how I felt about how we were, how we hung out, how i felt she was acting, and we got into it and now were not speaking :/
The way the night went was, She came to nyc to do a whole bunch of wishlist stuff like go to certain bars and social clubs and just do that type of stuff, which I personally dont do or like. But I agreed to come with her to this one social club because i wanted to see her.. And if thats what she wanted to do i was like aiight. So when i met up with her i started off feeling her, smiling, putting my arm around her and open to her. But from then she started just being herself and talk how she talks and stuff, and im realizing... "Julian, u dont fw this, she is a beautiful black girl from houston but boujee and just not my type of vibe, shes not doing nothing wrong and she is a lovely girl, but shes not you bro" And throughout the night I was trying to just see it through, stick to it and see how it goes, cause imma real one and see shit through, im not going to cancel or just back out when things get weird. Once we got to the social club/bar. It just hit full force, this girl is just going on and on about stuff that i just dont care to talk about. And she keeps just going on her phone the whole time... I know im sounding one sided and i admit I kind of was.. But thats why I wish she would put down the phone, and try to actually conversate with me about something we could relate to and talk about. I think it was a situation of, I really feel that close to her or wasnt that close to her just for her to be yapping about something i had no care for and me just to listen.. I definetly do do that lol with plenty of people but those people are my actual friends and we have been through stuff and have been talking and hanging out a lot. Not even for a long time, i hear people out on the street, at work and all that all the time. Because its a matter of us, like vibing. We had a chance to vibe a d kind of get to know each other so im slighlty interested in there yapping so i just let people speak about stuff and i listen. But thats called building a relationship. Ykwim? I vibe with people if its a soace for me to do that. But with this girl, my "friend". I felt like because we got intimate and i started off just listenting to her yap, just to be nice, and i guess so i can just hit lol. Thats what our relationship has become and now im like hol up... This not really what i want, for me just to be a shut up and be happy kind of guy. At least not for someone who i like and want to get into an intimate serious relationship with. And you know, thats where i think me and the girl really differ. I actually want a serious relationship and she just wants something casual sooo.. :/ Thats where we have different expectations..... Hmm.. That is probably the biggest difference in our relationship..
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