screaming for ceasefire, snowblind

they tried to break us looks like they'll try again

[phinnneganawake]

This clip from Doctor Who played a big part in my life, I feel

I was always The Weird Kid. Maybe one too many head injuries (I had a penchant for bouncing my face off of things) or maybe growing up in a cult, maybe genes, idk. I was weird. I didn't fit in anywhere and I still kinda don't

But I am, despite my mum's best efforts and thanks to my dad's genetics, autistic and I fixate on the number 4. I have since I was a small child. I like things to be in multiples of 4. I don't know why. But my entire life, inside my head, constantly counting, 1234, 1234, 1234

And then add in the niche trauma of growing up in a cult. For years, for most of my life, it was normal. I was just The Weird Kid. That was my role. It was just me and everyone else was so very normal

But the years went on. And the trauma got worse. And the autism went untreated. And it started to hurt. It hurt so bad. But it wasn't real. Nothing but a symptom of my own insanity. Nothing I couldn't cover up and smile through

Until it wasn't. It hurt too much. It was destroying me

And then I met someone. Someone who is now a very good friend. One of my best friends. She was the first person I told the whole story to. And she listened. Like actually listened

She heard it. And at first, she looked at me the same way the Doctor looks at the Master. But I could only react the way the Master does. Whatever it may be bringing, it's real! It's real! It's not just me.

Bear in mind TEOT aired in 2010 (I was 13) and I met this friend in maybe 2018? (I was like 21). I watched it a lot (yay for vhs taping off the telly) but not enough for it to live rent free in my head the way other episodes I've watched far less have (see Turn Left, that one holds and lot of real estate and I've watched it maybe 3x). I didn't even really think about that episode until like last year after like 2015 (and even before that I was more in other things)

My point being, that episode, that 2 or 3 minutes, really encapsulated what it's like to feel validated. Even though it's horrible news for everyone in the Doctor Who universe, it's literally the end of time itself, it's the worst thing the Doctor could have found....

An incredibly traumatised man finds his incredibly (differently) traumatised peer and is validated. A man who had spent his whole life thinking he was insane has been proved sane, it was never his fault, he was always just a pawn in a greater game, the pain was caused by someone else

And I had that moment. She could hear it. It wasn't just inside my head. It was real. The beat of 4 that has punctuated every second of my life has counted my pain and my healing. And the relief. It's real. It's not just my own insanity. It's real

Just listen. Really listen. It's always there

[dumpsterprophet]

it's funny Christians have such a flimsy rules-based paradignm of marriage or sexuality so literally anything threatens it. like their argument against legalizing gay marriage was "okay but if gay people can get married then why can't someone just marry a rock or a tree?". like congrats that's totally the reaction of a secure and ideologically sound person!!

[sky-daddy-hates-me]

It's funny how out of touch they are cause people have been marrying trees and other random things for years.

People have been married to dolphins, themselves, blow up dolls, the eiffel tower, train stations, pillows, ghosts, cats, snakes, goats, vehicles, corpses, Nintendo characters all within the last couple of decades.

But no, 2 people of the same gender marrying is the strangest thing to them.

[phinnneganawake]

A woman literally married a pirate ghost. In France you could married deceased people (maybe more places idk). Didn't someone marry the eiffle tower? (they might have just been in love?)

I think we should just limit it to alive human people. I think that's all the litigation we need. Are you alive? Are you human? Do you both want to be married? Yes, yes and yes? Good. This is sane, this is unproblematic

[joanburned]

"Don't take the Christ out of Christmas!"

How I celebrate a federal holiday does not affect you at all. Shut the fuck up and mind your own business.

[sky-daddy-hates-me]

*violently throws Jesus into a bonfire and gently replaces him with frogs wearing santa hats*

[phinnneganawake]

Guy Fawkes night pt 2: the sequal

[phinnneganawake]

I'm not a big believer in God, generally but I have to say this one concept changed my world view:

I didn't leave God. I left a publishing company.

The second (literally the second) I was told outright that the JW organisation is a publishing company, it absolutely changed my life and the way I looked at life.

The governing body aren't religious leaders or prophets or whatever. They're CEOs. They run a business. They're no more holy than me, regardless of what I think.

I'm not leaving God. I just want something in return of my labour

[ghostylivingforgod]

Anyone can tell that the Bible teaches to “spread the good news”. Do regular Christian’s not try to get you to church.? Would you rather a religion who doesn’t care about you at all if you live or die as long as their safe like Muslims? ….

[phinnneganawake]

@ghostylivingforgod I think I would actually prefer a religion that doesn't care about me. And by that, I mean one that doesn't require me to be part of their specific sect to be worthy of life. I don't want to be preached to. I don't want to have to squish myself into an unreasonably perfect mould to be deemed worthy. I don't want every relationship in my life to be highly conditional

I want to be surrounded by people who care about me because they genuinely care about me. Me as I am, not some idealistic version of me. I want to be surrounded by people who 'spread the good news' by being good people, being valued members of the community, supporting others, being completely indiscriminate...

I have good friends who are very religious. They have made me feel more positive about religion than anything else in my life, simply by being good examples, something that jehovah's witnesses are constantly told to be, but constantly aren't

My problem is not with religion, or christianity, or the bible, or Jesus. My problem is with one specific sect of christianity (in this post). A sect run by 5 men in charge of a publishing company. A company funded by donations. A company that has killed at least thousands. A company that has ruined at least thousands of lives of survivors

God has nothing to do with it. Muslims are irrelevant, and quite frankly, you're showing your JW racism (oh no wait its not racism, everyone who isn't a JW just deserves to die). I want to be preached to by inspiration. I don't want to be preyed upon and bled dry. I want to at least be able to feel good about myself at the end of the day. I want to feel like a decent human being

Hope this helps ✌️

[xenomorphfemme]

Me, explaining catholicism, folk catholics, Virgin Mary veneration, and curanderismo to my partner, who was raised Jehovah's witness :

[phinnneganawake]

Me, explaining the Jehovah's Witness' interpretation of prophesy and the definition of a generation to literally anyone else

[phinnneganawake]

But say a prayer, Pray for the other ones

At Christmas time it's hard, but when you're having fun

There's a world outside your window

And it's a world of dread and fear

Where the only water flowing

Is the bitter sting of tears

And the Christmas bells that ring

There are the clanging chimes of doom

Well tonight thank God it's them instead of you

[phinnneganawake]

They sold me a dream of Christmas

They sold me a silent night

And they told me a fairy story

'Till I believed in the Israelite

And I believed in father Christmas

And I looked to the sky with excited eyes

'Till I woke with a yawn in the first light of dawn

And I saw him and through his disguise

[phinnneganawake]

Why are most Christmas songs really sad? Is this a very British thing? Whenever I've talked to non-British people about it, they're shook and British people are like yeah that's ✨️christmas✨️

Why do we sing songs about being sad and alone and disillusioned to very happy tunes? Why are we like this as a nation? Why, in the season of joy and giving, are we bopping to these songs?

No hate to Christmas songs, I love them, they're great songs. I just don't understand why we hear an incredibly sad song and consistently make it an xmas top 10. What's wrong with us?

[phinnneganawake]

So I had an extremely depressing realisation today on the bus to work. Was listening to Christmas songs coz Christmas and I'm not talking Feliz Navidad and Silent Night, I'm talking actual Christmas songs like Slade, Wizzard, Greg Lake, Jona Lewie, Chris DeBurgh, ya know, ✨️Christmas songs✨️

And I was sat there, listening specifically to Happy Xmas by John Lennon (1972) and Band Aid (1984), and realised that if I were to go out with my guitar to a city center and sing those songs, it would be considered a political statement. Like 50 years later, it would still be considered a political statement

Literally nothing has changed in the last 50 years that would make "feed the world", "the greatest gift they'll get this year is life" or "I hope it's a good one, without any fear" any less of a protest

I could literally walk into the street and start singing a choice of world famous Christmas songs that have been played every year for literal decades and I would still be making a comment on current world events. It could still be considered a protest. That's actually insane

[phinnneganawake]

Pity The Child from Chess really sums up my childhood experience. The "in case they said"

I never asked for help, in case they said no

I never asked if I was the problem, in case they said yes

I've never called, in case they said who?

I was a wise child, I knew what moves I was supposed to make and I played my game around that. I knew what was up with my family. I always knew what was going on

But I knew well enough to not ask questions you might not want the answers to. I knew not at ask. And I knew to move defensively. I knew the half truth and that was enough. I knew the consequences and I learned the signs. I asked once and I won't ever ask again

I was only their son

[goose-onthe-loose]

There is a time to rage, and a time to make peace.

No one else knows the difference between the two. Only you.

This is ok.

It may change day to day, hour to hour, second to second.

It may change very rarely, so much so that you wonder if it will ever happen at all.

This is ok.

There is a time to hurt. A time to cry. A time to outline every scar. A time to make for yourself the justice you were denied.

And there is a time to let go. A time to see the good that existed, little though it was. Flawed though it was. A time to see the good that might still be.

There will be so much time.

You will find the balance. Level the waves inside your heart.

You will be ok.

[phinnneganawake]

"Now my heart is the heart of the ocean

There are storms from the sea in my soul

I'm restless and deep and before I can sleep

I must go where the black waters roll"

[linosaur]

Any other ex jws who always have a hard time during December? Watching friends and their families have a great, cozy time while I don’t have anyone… I’ve been told I’m being materialistic but I don’t know? Am I?

[phinnneganawake]

I've always had a hard time with Christmas, even as a born JW. Everyone tells you about their plans and you're doing... nothing. Not seeing family, no traditions, no celebration. It's just another day when you're doing nothing in particular. When the whole world is celebrating together

As an exjw it's even worse. Because now I would be doing all that. But I can't. I'm not visiting my parents because they won't see me. I'm not having Christmas Dinner because it's only me. Everyone I know has their own families, their own traditions, their own celebrations

But everyone still tells you all about how amazing their Christmas will be. How they're seeing all their family, how they're making it a good time of year, all their plans and hopes. And I listen, knowing I'll have a microwave meal, watch x files or something and go to bed. Same as I do every day

There's no magic there. There's no holiday spirit There's just me. Alone. When I should be with my loved ones. When I should be looking forward to the new year. It's just another day. It's just another Sunday. It's just another Saturday, followed by a New Year Sunday

It's not about the material things. I'm not sad about the gifts. That doesn't matter to me. I don't want piles of presents and huge amounts of food

I want to spend quality tike with my family. I want happy memories. I want weird traditions. I want something that will keep me warm at night. I want something I can look back on when I'm old. I want to know I spent time with the people I loved and that they knew I loved them. That's what Christmas is about. I want to not be alone when the whole world comes together in one solitary day of peace and harmony

That's not materialism. That's humanity

[risendemon]

anyone else hold the belief that they were the anti-christ for any amount of time?

i was always told i wasn't a good person, that i was mean and hurtful. and on top of that, i am bi.

[phinnneganawake]

I was raised a JW and raised on Marillion. Which means I was well aware of Market Square Heroes

As the weird, too uncool to be uncool kid at school who somehow amassed a following of kids, I found myself a leader of surprisingly many. I was leading a double life and was absolutely not a Christian Kid

So "I am your antichrist, show me allegiance. I am your antichrist, pledge to me defiance" had meaning to me. I was singlehandedly destroying the next generation and, by god, was I having fun. I was their antichrist, and they pledge me their allegiance to this day

[phinnneganawake]

Nothing can hurt more than someone making a painful decision and understanding exactly why they did it

I don't know how you chose that but I understand why you came to that conclusion. It hurts us both, maybe more than we can recover from, but I understand why. I know you. I can't even blame you because this is this is who you are. This is who you always were

I know you too well, better than you ever knew me, and I always knew it would come to this. I know you better than anyone and I'll never get closure, but I forgive you. It wasn't even a choice to you and I knew that

[phinnneganawake]

Honestly every time I listen to Chess, I flip flop on who's the good guy. It's such a morally grey musical. But everyone speaks truth. No one's lying and no one's really worse. It's the only musical where I can sing every part and mean every word

[sostrawberrley]

My tears ricochet is an ex-cult anthem

Even on my worst day, did I deserve, babe

All the hell you gave me?

'Cause I loved you, I swear I loved you

'Til my dying day

I didn't have it in myself to go with grace

And you're the hero flying around, saving face

And if I'm dead to you, why are you at the wake?

Cursing my name, wishing I stayed

'Cause when I'd fight, you used to tell me I was brave

And I can go anywhere I want

Anywhere I want, just not home

And you can aim my heart, go for blood

But you would still miss me in your bones

And I still talk to you (when I'm screaming at the sky)

You had to kill me, but it killed you just the same

And you're tossing out blame, drunk on this pain

Crossing out the good years

And you're cursing my name, wishing I stayed

[phinnneganawake]

"And all this time, you knew

What I would put you through"

-Ghost

"You must have known that I was concealing an escape

Stand straight, look me in the eye and say goodbye

Stand straight, we've drifted past the point of reasons why"

-Marillion

"I am doing the best I can with everything I am

Don't you know nobody's perfect

Do you understand how hard I'm trying for you"

-Art of Dying

"You're the only one who's never suffered anything at all!"

-Chess

[goose-onthe-loose]

I think we all need to stop for a second and appreciate how incredibly exhilarating it is to leave a high-demand religion. Not to romanticize the experience-- I know first-hand how much fear, pain, loss, and exhaustion it entails-- but there comes a point when you emerge from the woods, stumbling past the treeline, and find yourself looking up in awe at the bright, blazing sun.

Have you ever felt this warmth before? Or been surrounded by so much open space?

[phinnneganawake]

I see it more as exhausting. Still romanticised, for sure. The exhilarating part is leaving. Turning tail and running. Breaking out of your chains. It is exhilarating

But by the time you get anywhere, you're tired. The time you spent travelling has taken it out of you. You're weary and sore. Your clothes have chafed and your shoes have rubbed. The sun shines down on you, maybe for the first time, the wind is in your hair, you're free. But you're oh so tired. And you know you have to travel on. The exhilaration is temporary. The exhaustion lasts