It was the summer after a successful and warm year of college. I made a ton of new friends (who are still friends to this day) and learned so much about myself through my new sense of independence.
I wasn’t dating anyone in particular however I was heavily involved with an individual- a relationship of unrequited love.
I died for him and he lived through me. I would give in my body and soul for his superficial touch.
I didn’t understand why it wasn’t okay for him to love me.
A day trip to my grandmother’s home has a way of making me feel at ease. From drinking coffee at 1 in the afternoon to watching reruns of the same novelas on Univision to listening to the latest family gossip- her home is a sanctuary.
That’s when it happened. The blood running through my legs. The confusion. The cramping. I knew something was wrong. My grandmother gave one look at me and held me in her arms. There are certain things as women we automatically grow empathy for. The loss of a baby is one.
The worst thing someone told me was that there will be plenty more chances. Yes, that is indeed true. I have my entire life ahead of me (especially considering who was the father of the fetus- it’s safe to say I dodged a bullet).
But it was still a part of me.
Here I go having to endure the pain of a life I never got the chance to know.
I was young. I was already dealing with the heartbreak of being used as a sexual commodityand not being good enough to be a partner. Now I have to deal with the fact that my body wasn’t good enough to be a mother either.
I didn’t need people telling me that everything happened for a reason. It dehumanized the situation. I needed people there for me on a level that I didn’t understand.
This loss in particular was a traumatic one but it taught me to look forward in life and understand that I am not broken or useless. I am complete.
Growing up around Christian dogma, I was spoon-fed the modern-day trinity of a woman’s life: Attend school, find spouse, and be fruitful in multiplying.
I had to learn that I was more than a prize to be won. Me knowing how to cook and clean was more about feeding and sanitizing myself than a spouse.
I had to learn that love is multifaceted. Of course we desire the love and affection of a partner but you will never feel the radiance of romance if you don’t feel radiant within yourself.
There’s days when I’m so giddy that I forget the traumas of my past. Then there are days when the scars burn a little more.
romaincrisis
vaporwave
stormborns
areudirty
