The Riddler hijacks the local TV airwaves and appears onscreen holding a comically long roll of paper. After dramatically clearing his throat, he proceeds to read from it.
āThe following is a list of people who can suck it. Number One: The Joker. I donāt think I need to explain that one. Number Two: Cluemaster. Fuck you, you stole my bit, and I will be like a plague unto your house. Number Three: King Tut. You also stole my bit, but did it while killing people and got me arrested for murder. Also, Iām, like, 93% sure youāre a white guy and your costume is racist.
āNumber Four: The Scarecrow. I know you ate my leftover Chinese, Jon, even though I wrote my name on it. I was saving that for lunch. I had to eat a goddamn peanut butter and jelly sandwich like a five-year-old. It was all you had in the hideout. For fuckās sake, go shopping, not all of us can live like a bridge troll.
āNumber Five: The Penguin. You- No, no, wait, waitā¦ That one should be crossed out. He replaced that and apologized. Never mind, Oswald, youāre fine. Drinks at 7:00 tomorrow, right?
āAnyway, where wasā¦? Ah, yes. Number Six: The Mad Hatter. You carded me and left me like that for six hours because I, and I quote, āwould not stop talking about Mythbusters.ā Well, excuse meĀ for trying to make intellectually stimulating conversation on a level you could understand. I suppose every time you prattle on about mome raths and borogoves itās goddamn Shakespeare? Wellā¦ Well, itās Carroll, butā¦ Oh, you know what I mean!
āNumber Seven: Catwoman. You left me hanging by one hand from a ledge five stories up and holding a twenty-pound bag of jewels and very pointyĀ objets d'art while youĀ ādistractedā the Dark Knight. I know you were making out with him, Selina. You were gone for fifteen minutes. My shoulder almost dislocated. Very unprofessional.
āNumber Eight: Kite Man.ā
Here the Riddler pauses, lifting his narrowed gaze to glare at the camera, voice dropping to an ominous tone.
āYou know what you didā¦ā
His demeanor shifts quickly, and heās back to reading from his list almost cheerfully.
āNumber Nine! Th-ā
Heās interrupted by a crashing noise in the background and looks over his shoulder just an instant before a deep voice angrily growls,Ā āRiddler!ā
āOh, for the love of-ā He turns to glare at the camera, speaking quickly.Ā āNumber Nine: Batman! Interrupting me while Iām on television making very important- Hm-mmph!ā
Heās reduced to muffled curses as a black gloved hand covers his mouth and pulls him out of frame. The camera tilts, a cracking noise is heard, and the broadcast turns to static.
KITE MANāS CRIMES WERE NUMEROUS AND TERRIBLE
If I were batman Iād give him like a five minute warning, because this actually sounds theraputic.
Batman: Riddler, youāve hijacked the TV airwaves and you know thatās wrong but I think this is actually theraputic. So Iām giving you five minutes, and then Iām taking you to Arkham
Robin: Geez get a facebook account for this crap, hell if you wanna vent to millions of strangers just get youtube.
āRIDDLER YOU CANāT JUST GO ON TV AND SCREAM AT PEOPLE
THATāS WHAT YOUTUBE IS FORā
Riddler takes this advice. He gets his own youtube channel called RiddleMe_Th15. It starts out as being purely therapeutic, a platform for publically calling out those who have annoyed him. Then someone leaves him a pathetically easy riddle to solve in the comments, and he spends his next segment ranting about it, and then posing a better one.
This starts a dialogue with a number of other youtube users who both attempt to answer his riddles and pose their own riddles in return.
Riddler has found his people, and his hit count is climbing.
Seriously, Riddler would KILL IT (metaphorically speaking) on YouTube.Ā He just does those weird animated puzzle videos where he poses lengthy, overly complicated puzzles, game theories, and riddles, then gives awayā¦fuck I donāt knowā¦Amazon or iTunes cards to whoever gets them right. āRiddle me this: How can I ensure there are more videos like this one?Ā The answer, my little quest solvers, is simple: Like and subscribe, and consider donating to my Patreon!Ā Which isnāt much of a Riddle, but seriously Iām down to eating crackers and ramen right now and YouTube keeps demonetizing my videos because I used to be a supervillain.ā
Bringing this back becauseĀ āYouTube keeps demonetizing my videos because I used to be a supervillainā has to be shared and because I have some followers who have not experienced The Riddler Post.
Seriously, if you ever need a good time, just read all the responses in the notes. This post still ranks as one of the best things Iāve ever done.
Batman sees all of this and donates a substantial amount. He still canāt believe YouTube was the answer all along.
This is especially true with BTAS Riddler.Ā
āRiddle me thisā¦ whoās the biggest asshole in games development this side of Ubisoft? Itās Daniel Mockridge who screwed the dev team, myself included, out of our royalties for Riddle of the Minotaur-ā
Two days later Jim Sterling is calling Mockridge out, thereās a gofundme for the other people on the dev team, and Nigmaās halfway to funding the spiritual sequel on Kickstarter.
āOkay, more backer questionsā¦ Puzzlemaster323 sent saysĀ āRiddle Me This, will there be VR support.ā, and I say of course there is! Ten years ago I trapped Batman and Robin a VR version of the first game and I threw that rig together in two months. Weāve worked out the motion sickness problems for 90% of users and the game will not kill you for real if you die in the game, but hardcore players can set it to give them a harmless jolt if theyāre into that kind of thing.āĀ
The Scarecrow:Ā āI *did* eat his leftover Chinese.Ā Itās messed up that he knows.ā
