areatha @pickle-jar-ontherocks - Tumblr Blog

I feel like Bruce would just Give his children kisses anytime they do something.It doesn’t even have to be anything Special he’ll just like kiss their forehead.THOSE ARE HIS BABYS AND NO ONE CAN CONVINCE ME OTHERWISE

Mhm yep yep. 100% yep.

Btw, I'm in a Batlantern mood, somehow. So Hal's pov:

For whatever fucking reason, Bruce had started to kiss his children foreheads under ayn and every excuse given. It was ridiculous. And obnoxiously sweet, Hal had to admit.

No idea why, Bruce just started to do so.

Scratch that. He absolutely knows why.

bruce-wayne-enjoyer

Batlantern is great because it's the only Batman ship where Bruce's partner can like his kids while also not taking any of their shit

Hal is a military man before he was a Green Lantern, and being both made him inject loyalty and devotion into his veins. He is a "wife > kids" sort of man and he won't hear your damn argument about it being otherwise. That extends to the kids.

Damian giving Bruce any lip, especially on an already bad day for Bruce? Well guess who is suddenly in a Lantern Construct of an Air Baby Jail. Is it humiliating, yes? Is it in a shape of a crib? Yes. Act like a child, get treated like one.

Tim deviating from Bruce's orders while in the field, and Hal hears it because his sweet boyfriend/husband/partner keeps a patrol radio by their bedside so Hal doesn't go restless with worry. Hal doesn't care if it's 2 AM and he's space lagged as fuck. He's hauling ass and hunting the boy down because "Your father said to stay in position and if I have to make you, I can and I will"

Dick makes a faux pas against Bruce after an argument that Bruce tried to shut down but he stubbornly made it go to far. Well, next day, none of Dick's manor keys work. Matter of fact, he has to re-log-in to every platform on the Bat Network because Hal has essentially used his ring to hack said network to push Dick out. The password to re-log-in? Dick has to type, word for word, a hundred times, the most notable mean thing he told Bruce during that argument.

Hal is taking none of their shit.

Bruce is pathetically spineless when it comes to his kids and when Hal first learned about it, he figured that explains a lot.

So when Hal and Bruce get serious enough that Hal is basically just as much of a facet in the family life? Total overhaul. Hal doesn't care if Bruce is right or wrong, they're going to respect Bruce for his patience or Hal will lose it on his behalf.

And if you ask the kids?

They are... surprisingly fine with it.

They're annoyed, definitely, but they will also begrudgingly admit that it is to their relief that someone good is here to have Bruce's side no matter what.

Bruce is either blissfully ignorant, or he's only allowing this if Hal promises not to hit the kids... which was a conversation on its own.

Hal, scoffing: I don't hit kids, Spooky. Least of all ours.

Bruce: No, but you made Jason do a wall squat for 30 minutes.

Hal: He called you a neurotic psychopath.

Bruce: He was reading my actual medical diagnosis.

Hal: Well I don't care 😠 only I get to call you a neurotic psychopath, actually

Hal: He had a tone and you know it. No son of mine gives his damn father any fucking lip, not if I have to anything to say about it.

Jason, from across the hall: Fuck you too, Mum.

Hal: Quiet ☝️ or I'm turning you into an orphan again

Somwhow it also meant that Hal is having a stare down with Alfred if he so much as breathed wrong in Bruce's direction.

bruce-wayne-enjoyer

There's a plot burrow in my head labelled "Bruce turns his head off around Hal"

This man's brain is probably fried from all the fiery neurons tripping and shooting in his skull. He is almost always worried about 7 different things between the Justice League, Wayne Enterprises, and his relatively explosive kids

Then Hal comes along — Hal who is a senior green lantern and JL founder who also happens to be a family guy that's good at handling kids.

So when Hal is around?

Nope. Brain down. No more thoughts being thunk.

Bruce will make doe eyes at Hal to make him tea. He'd kiss his way into getting Hal to get him extra pillows or start the fireplace for him or take a bath with him. That man is getting PAMPERED pampered by his pet pretty boy hunk who does all the work for him

If Bruce needs to go somewhere. He's going there with no map, every shade in the world protecting him from the sun, and every pedestrian crossing on time, and he doesn't need to look up from his phone

(cut to Hal arguing with google maps, actively shielding Bruce with trees and umbrellas, and Hal having to grab Bruce from walking into a freeway)

Hal: You're one of the smartest member of the founding fold!

Bruce, in the passenger seat, napping with 3 airconditioners forced by Hal in his direction, in a thick blanket and fuzzy socks: Yeah? And I married the second smartest member. Now chop chop, fly boy, I want Bat Burger

It does help with Brucie Wayne's airhead persona, with people gushing that "Brucie Wayne's partner is such a gentleman!! 🥹 Brucie needs it, poor boy has only got 3 braincells to his name 😭😞"

And Hal will not complain, not really. He'd make a joke about how Bruce is acting counter to his better reputation, but his expression softens when Bruce groans to him about wanting a sandwhich or asks if he can dry his hair for him

For someone who takes pride in being trusted by people he loves, Bruce asking Hal for all this doting fulfills a hole in Hal's heart he'd long believed to be bottomless

haveihitanerve

The most crucial element of the BatLantern relationship is that Hal has to have beef with at least one of the batkids- whether its genuine or more on the joking side, this man genuinely needs to Loathe A Child. Its a necessary element of his being in love with Bruce

Bruce and Hal start dating early and Dick has a sticker in his chart that says “Does Not Play Well With Others”? Fuck yea. Dick is screaming obscenities at him, Hal is screaming them right back. He has genuine fucking beef with an eight year old. “Hal, he’s eight.” “Yeah, and he’s about to learn how aerodynamic that makes him. Hey fuckhead wanna see the sun up close?” “I’d like to see you try, wannabe glow stick!” “Oh you little rat fuck-” “Hal-”

I can’t see Young Jason having problems with him but Adult Jason and Hal would genuinely draw each others blood. Hal is a Husband first and Step-Father second- he has no patience for Jason and his Red Hood vendetta and guns and anger. He understands where its coming from but he will not let Jason take his insecurities and unwarranted aggression out on him and Bruce, not a fucking chance. Until Jason takes off the mask and drops the guns, Hal is relentless and unflinching on that point.

Tim and Hal have a rivalry based exclusively on their jealousy of each others Allotted Time Spent With Bruce. Hal is coming home from a long space mission and all he wants is to have Bruce wash his hair and then fall into bed together and not emerge for the next week. But when he staggers in the door Tim has accidentally fallen asleep on Bruce’s lap and Bruce cannot move if one of his kids is on top of him so Hal just has to settle for a quick kiss and go wash his own hair. Bruce is making Tim breakfast in the kitchen and Hal comes up behind him and wraps his arms around his waist, kisses his neck and drags him away. Hal and Bruce are sitting on the couch being Cute and Tim rushes in, wedges himself between them and starts talking to Bruce about his day while kicking Hal back. Hal has resorted to locking Tim in Air Jail with his ring to get some alone time with Bruce, and Tim has resorted to outside sources to keeping Hal occupied. Or rope.

Hal and Damian honestly I can see them having Problems early on, but I think Damian is actually the first one of the kids to accept Hal. (if you saw my headcanon saying that Damian is the last one to accept Hal shhh no you didn't) Damian doesn't think he’s worthy of being with his Father and Hal thinks Damian is an arrogant little shit head. Dick and Hal vibes. He sticks out a foot to make Damian trip as he’s running past. Damian stabs him with the craft scissors when Bruce asks Hal to help him with a school project in a desperate effort of having Bonding Time. Its glorious

Hal and Duke are my favs. Duke is BatLantern’s love child and I will die on that hill. Duke is merciless and will not back down. Hal physically cannot stay away from a challenge. “You're so in love with him you look ridonkulous.” “Please never fucking breathe in my direction again.”

Hal and Steph have a petty rivalry and it gets Serious a total of one time because Steph refuses to accept that she does actually care for Bruce Like That and it pisses Hal off because then that means she has no rights to hate on him or have this rivalry with him in the first place because she’s not his kid and he only has this relationship with bruce’s kids- but then after the Serious Argument it goes back to being fun. Prank wars and petty bullshit. “Who filled my entire apartment with water and made it an aquarium?” “I wonder who.” “Hal I cannot fucking get to school.” “Damn. should've thought of that before you bedazzled my ring.” “You bastard-”

Hal and Cass have a one sided rivalry and by that I mean both of them think they're crazy. Hal thinks Cass would like to murder him and Cass think Hal hates her. Hal’s hanging out with Bruce and cuddling him and Cass just appears at the foot of the bed and Hal screams so loud the bats in the cave fly away and falls onto the floor before running away because clearly Cass wants to spend time with Bruce and who is he to get between them hahahaha- hes not that suicidal. Cass sees this and is like :( he hates me. Hal is just scared of her. But they get over it and its lovely. Cass gets two girl dads

Hal and Barbara are flinty eyed and don't have a rivalry they have genuine beef. Hal is doing a mission and all of a sudden the cameras that hes switched off are back on and now hes running for his life. Barbara is sitting in her living room reading a book and then suddenly shes two miles away without her wheelchair. Barbara hugs Bruce on his wedding day and mouths that she laced his piece of the wedding cake to Hal over his shoulder. Hal wraps a gag around her mouth with his ring during the “if anyone objects speak now or forever hold your peace” time comes.

Anyway. It's important Hal has Beef with at least one or all of the Batkids. Its just a part of being in a relationship with Bruce- he has to Loathe A Child.

haveihitanerve

listen there's like hundreds of reasons to like BatLantern but I think by far one of the funniest is that they fulfill the trope of Bad Boy and Goody Two Shoes/Jock and Nerd and it is not at all in the way you expect

Bruce is wanted in four different countries. He's an illegal vigilante. Yes, he works with the cops- but that doesn't change the fact that what he's doing is illegal. He's the sporty guy who is constantly in the gym, he was picked first in every sport, he's breaking the rules and he doesn't much care about it because its a means to an end.

Hal is a Space Cop. He's literally a cop. He's the military. He's razor sharp and wicked smart and has gone to college and has a bachelors degree. This man stands on the Right Side of the law and has a satchel filled with his textbooks, he's following the rules and going to class and being Good

like. its just too funny to me

haveihitanerve

Bruce and Hal (BatLantern) as Tom Holland and Zendaya

Bruce; who has managed to keep his children, the world, the entire Justice League, and Alfred from knowing he's in a secret relationship with Green Lantern for years, who manages to sneak around them and lie right to the Human Lie Detector (Clark)'s face when he tells him 'oh yeah, Hal and I are just friends and we're just grabbing a beer after work, totally normal' and who goes on interviews and chats with the paparazzi and never ever ever gives away that he's in a relationship even if he's no longer as flirty and open with the public anymore

Hal; who spends a singular minute with Damian on the Carpet leading into a Gala with sooooo many cameras and microphones around them, people screaming and asking his opinion and Damian says one snappy comment and Hal looks him dead in his little green eyes and flatly says "I'm fucking your father"

and the world explodes

bruce-wayne-enjoyer

My favorite batlantern undertone is they're so turned on by each other's bragging rights.

Like Bruce randomly looks at Hal and thinks "a senior, responsible, competent Green Lantern, experienced pilot, professional air force member, strongest willpower" and wants to climb him like a tree.

Hal is drinking water, glances at Bruce working out, and sees "strongest human he knows, needs no powers to lead a team of superheroes, raised a bunch of kids, believed to be a myth cause he's so cool" and suddenly Bruce's thighs look like a nice seat for reading.

I dunno, I love batlantern tropes so much. And you, I love you.

I have an additional clause where they don't pull each other's rank for nonsensical reasons, out of respect for the uniform

Hal doesn't really posture the fact that he's dating Bruce. He's made a whole deal about refusing to use Bruce's name or money if he can help it, which Bruce very much respects.

But Batman? Nah, Hal is pulling that out every damn time.

There was a period where Hal ends every spat with the League with "Okay 🙄 well I fucked Batman 😌" — Oliver has never known bloodlust until that point

Harold "Don't worry, I have a permit" Jordan pulling out a picture of him and Bruce kissing whenever the League or planet Earth give him shit for anything

And you KNOW he does it to Bruce too...

...who is more often fond than not, and also slightly exasperated because oh my god he's such a fucking dork I can't believe I swore to fuck him for the rest of my life

And also I just know Bruce is the one who is especially annoying about it too.

He also promised to not bring up the fact that he's dating THE Green Lantern — largely because Hal had asked him to, because he didn't want his enemies from across the galaxy having it out for Bruce or the kids or Gotham (they have enough going on)

Bruce does something different where whenever Hal does something badass, he has... a Look™

No one can tell immediately that he has the Look™ on because of the cowl, and if not that, because he has a stony expression,

But the practiced eye can discern that sometimes Batman will see Green Lantern do something incredibly foolishly death defying and otherwise heroic, then turn to everyone with the Look™ that says:

"See that? I'm dating that. I fucked that. I'm gonna marry all that one day. I'm gonna have his babies too. This is the best and sexiest thing I've ever done. Can you believe how lucky I am?"

haveihitanerve

The idea of Bruce trying to invite Hal out to nice dinners and wanting something Just For Them and his kids keep interrupting everything and Hal is like 'that's okay, they're important to you, it's fine.'

but its not fine for Bruce because all of his life has been for someone else, when he was a child he didn't have choices and everything was for his parents, then he toured the globe For Gotham, now he does things For Alfred and his Children and everything all boils down to doing something For Someone Else and for the first time in his life Bruce wants something and he wants it badly

but people keep interrupting his Want and for once he just can't handle this overstepping of his boundaries so when Dick or Jason or Someone interrupts dinner for the twentieth time and Hal excuses himself and mutters something about a 'rain check' the way he always does-

Bruce doesn't say anything at first, he just quietly cleans up dinner. Dick or Jason or whoever interrupted the dinner this time are haggling him, asking about the food, talking about their day, something something something, and they think it's fine. Bruce seems annoyed but hes seemed annoyed every time and its no biggie, really, they're just being their regular Kid Selves

And then Bruce turns around and looks at them. And there is so much anger and exhaustion in his eyes that the Batkid freezes.

"For so much of our relationship, you have been trying to get rid of me." Bruce says, voice deathly soft. "You argue for your freedom, fight me for it, go to the ends of the world to escape me and my 'meddling'. I respected that. I stayed away. even at the cost of my own life and yours in your desperate hope to 'prove yourself to me'- I stayed away."

He turns back to the sink, shaking his head. "I am not you. I am not going to run away from this. I was only hoping that you all would be able to extend to me the same fucking decency of not invading my private life the way I have never invaded yours. But I guess that is just yet another aspect in which I failed to parent you."

And then he walks away.

The Batkids are shaken. Bruce doesn't invite Hal out for another date, but they still spend time together on the Watchtower, and Hal tells him it's no big deal, really. That maybe they should go to his place for a bit. And Bruce hates, it feels like giving in and he wanted to Show Hal His Home, he wanted to give the flighty never-in-one-place-for-long pilot somewhere he could actually grow roots, wanted for them to grow roots there together.

But he agrees. They don't go to Gotham after work, they go back to Cali with Hal. And it's nice, but the sun is too bright, and the people are too friendly, and even Hal seems a bit uncomfortable in his home state after spending so much time in Gotham. But what can they do?

Bruce returns to Gotham afterwards, alone, because Hal thought it might be better if he stay away for a while - and oh if that doesn't burn on Bruce's skin - and finds a quiet, candlelight dinner laid out for two.

He ignores it, his stomach full of some famous diner dish that Hal bought them, and figures its for one of the kids and their partner. He goes to bed.

But it keeps happening.

One of his favorite rooftops, the one with a brilliant view of the city, has a picnic laid out. No one else is around. Bruce steps over it with a frown and hopes that the couple that somehow made it up there without hurting themselves is okay.

His favorite restaurant seems to be shut down and when he pokes his head inside to ask why they tell him it has been reserved for a quiet dinner for two people. He leaves again.

He's sitting in his room, about ready for bed, when Dick or Steph or Damian slam the door open and walk over to him.

"We're sorry, okay?" They whisper. "I'm sorry. We should have- you're right. It was wrong of us to invade. To intrude. No matter what our justifications are, you deserved to introduce Hal to us on your own terms, and you deserved to see if he was right for you on your own, too. I'm sorry. We all are."

It's not perfect, but it's a start.

haveihitanerve

BatLantern marriage of convenience

It starts pretty early, after the first few years of the inception of the Justice League

Hal's been a Lantern for a while now, but now he's specifically a part of a Earth Team which means he needs to check in with Earth more and more frequently which means he needs a home and money and all those things

Bruce who is sick of all the people of Gotham wanting to bed him and the pressures of society to just get married already- it all distracts from how he could be helping the city more, plus there's certain things that aren't available to him unless he's married- certain tax benefits or a portion of his parents will and assets that only get relinquished to him once he's married (since they didn't expect to die so young)

Hal who marries Bruce so that he can stay in the Manor whenever he's on Earth and not need to worry about taking care of an apartment that he rarely visits, and who no longer needs to worry about getting fired from a job for his weird work hours as a Lantern

Bruce who marries Hal for tax purposes and to get other people off his back about being in a relationship

They get married in Vegas because Hal always thought it'd be funny to be married via Elvis and Bruce is still young and free enough to think its funny and agree

Only the main founders of the League are really aware of it because they all attended, but by the time the Justice League is what it is Now the fact that Batman and Green Lantern are married has sort of faded into the background as information that people don't really know. (Plus, who gives a shit that Bruce Wayne has married this random man named Hal? What does that have to do with Green Lantern?)

Batman who is known to have money and so someone asks him for a loan and he's like "yeah, sure. Lemme just check with my husband first." And the other person is like "hus- check- sorry, excuse me what?" and bruce is just like "Its a marriage of convenience but regular things still apply. half of what belongs to me belongs to him so I have to check with him" and that wasn't at all what the person was asking but okay

For the first few years nothing big changes, Hal barely has time to drop by Earth much less the Manor, so they don't see each other that often. They check up on each other through reading logs, and slowly that transitions into sending each other letters.

Just small things, updates on how the mission went, the most recent case Bruce had, what the weather is like in the Anastasia Galaxy. Then it slowly shifts into talking about their days, what their favorite foods are, how they like to sleep at night, what some of their favorite songs are.

Hal gets a message around three years into their marriage that reads "I- or I suppose when you return home to sign the documents it will be we- have adopted a son. His name is Dick. His parents were murdered in front of him. Please don't be afraid when he appears." And Hal just nods and nothing feels wrong about Bruce casually referring to the Manor as home.

He does go home, eventually, and signs the adoption papers, and says hi to Dick.

As a few more years pass, he's needed less and less outside in the galaxy and the reigns are loosened a little more, so he spends more and more time on Earth, and more and more time at the Manor.

They're not a regular couple by any means, but the 'guest' room in which Hal stays always has the windows cracked just slightly, the way he described in his letters, and the duvet is always fluffed. Hal wakes up early and makes coffee for himself and sets Bruce's mug on the counter where he can easily grab it before heading down to the cave, and makes breakfast for Dick before he heads off to work. His information works just as easily as Bruce and Dick's does in the Manor network, and he's stopped thinking as everything inside as "bruce's" and more of as "theirs"

When Hal is off on a mission somewhere a few years later he gets a text from Dick that reads "Fuck Bruce" and then a phone call from Bruce asking him to please come back, he doesn't know what he did wrong

They're just a marriage of convenience, but Dick is still their son, so Hal flies home and they talk and work it out and he comes home to his Dad and cries into his arms.

Bruce whispers his thanks into Hal's hair when they hug goodbye and Hal can't really remember when they started doing that, but he likes it all the same.

They still see each other at Justice League meetings and sure, Bruce stands next to him and asks him how the mission was and tucks his cape around his shoulders in a way he probably wouldn't do normally, but they're married so something is expected of him, right? And Hal just shifts to lean his head against his shoulder and asks after his casework because they live in the same house and talked about it over dinner with Dick last night, that's all.

When Hal gets a message two days into his next space mission that reads "I found a boy" his captain doesn't even say anything when Hal heads home early, to meet Jason Todd.

He doesn't get missions that take him far from home for a few years, and Jason and Dick are the sweetest boys he could ask for. Hal's closet consists more of Bruce's old clothes than any of his own things, but that's just because he didn't really have much and the billionaire did, not because they're so comfy and Hal likes feeling Bruce's warmth. They have a weekly movie night and sometimes Hal stretches his legs onto Bruce's lap and the other man gives him a feet massage while Dick and Jason squabble over who gets to sit next to "Pa" and "Dad"

Hal is off world and missing his family- his two boys that are his sons despite sharing no blood and the man who is kinda... turning into his best friend- when he gets the message about Jason.

He flies home immediately.

Bruce wakes up screaming from nightmares and Hal rushes into his room and holds him, soothes him, cradles him until he calms down and then Bruce wraps his arms around Hal's waist and whispers "Stay" and how can he say no?

The 'guest' room becomes less and less frequented and it isn't until Hal goes looking for one of his old missing socks and realizes he hasn't slept in 'his room' in a solid year and a half, now.

He's taking a walk with Bruce through Gotham- Bruce's coat draped around his shoulders and the other man a warm and familiar presence at his side- when Dick calls them both, frantic, claiming that a small child won't stop following him. Bruce and Hal exchange glances and before the night is over welcome a young Tim Drake into the Manor.

It's a marriage of convenience but it starts to feel almost dangerously like more when Tim nearly dies and then Hal is faced with a young and snappy teenage girl and Bruce, who snarls just like her.

Steph doesn't last long as Robin, but she still floats on the outskirts of the Manor and comes over for dinner and it isn't long before he and Bruce are teasing Tim about picking out a ring and the teenager is blushing and complaining 'go away, dads'

The house grows a little empty as they trickle off to do their own things, but Hal is still there, and Bruce is still there, and its almost like their younger years again, with Bruce cooking and Hal doing the dishes only this time they're both here, not rushing off to other planets or slaving away at Wayne Enterprises

And Bruce is fun, Hal realizes as they sit at the table made for ten, knees touching and trading wine glasses and stories and laughing.

They watch a movie and Bruce falls asleep with his head in Hal's lap, Hal's fingers combing through his hair and rubbing along his back and Hal starts to think 'oh no'

And it's been creeping on them for years now, probably since Jason, maybe even since Dick, but neither of them mention it when Hal has an accident and it isn't Batman who stays by his bedside table but Bruce, holding his hand and fixing the pillows behind his back and sneaking him Batburger when the shitty hospital food can't sate his cravings.

Neither of them says anything when Bane breaks Bruce's back and it's Hal- not Alfred, or Dick, or Clark- who wheels him home and helps him relearn to walk and feeds him and holds a straw to his lips and tucks him into bed and stabilizes him with his ring and holds him when he wakes up crying from nightmares

Cassandra tumbles into their lives at some point and Hal thinks Bruce was made to be a girl-dad and wonders when in his head he stopped thinking of him as 'Bruce' and simply considers him 'you'

Bruce calls him 'husband' and 'my love' as a joke that started from Elvis, and Hal calls him 'sweetheart' and 'baby' and 'babe' and its just for the crowd, just so that people believe them when they say 'oh, I love him so much' 'he brightens my world' 'I've never been happier than since I met him' 'hes the love of my life' 'my soulmate'

And its Hal who consoles him when he breaks down and tells him about Talia, about Ra's, about what the League made the two of them do and it's Hal who holds Damian when he arrives for the first time and whispers to him that he will do great things, just like his father

And the children grow and come and go and Duke is sweet and funny and sarcastic and Bruce says that he 'gets it from you' and Hal quips back that 'the rest all got it from you' and Duke rolls his eyes at them and says 'I can't believe you guys are real' and something twitches in Hal's chest

"It's a marriage of convenience." They tell any of their friends who will listen, though those friends have long since stopped asking or teasing them about it, have just grown to accept that they will always be each others plus one.

"It's a marriage of convenience." Hal reminds himself when Bruce gets sick, so sick that he can't walk, so sick that he has to give up Batman, so sick that he's confined to bed and Hal has to feed him and clothe him and bathe him and keep him alive.

"It's a marriage of convenience." Hal whispers as Bruce's chest stutters with its last breaths, as Bruce's hand grows limp and cold in his own.

"It was a marriage of convenience." Hal tells the world, standing behind the casket of midnight black, wearing Bruce's clothes and the cologne Bruce got him and the sorrow in his voice is only there because of the happiness Bruce gave him before.

"But somewhere along the way, it became real."

haveihitanerve

im stuck on the marriage of convenience BatLantern

Hal coming home from a two month long mission with long, matted hair and a scruffy beard and he mutters a hello and an apology to Bruce and brushes past him into his 'guest' room and falls asleep.

when he wakes up the next morning his boots have been removed from his feet and cleaned, sitting next to the door of his room, and there's a cup of coffee and some eggs and bacon on the table next to him

Hal scarfs it down and rolls his eyes about 'rich people and what they make their servants do' before he shuffles into the horribly lavish bathroom to shave

Then he sits in front of the vanity mirror for a while, just staring at his hair. He doesn't even know where to start

Bruce knocks on the door even though its open, poking his head inside

"I could do it for you." He offers, hovering outside the door even though it's his house. "If you don't want to cut it. I could- clean it. For you. If you want."

And hell, sure. Alright. Hal has never paid attention to his hair before, go wild.

Bruce takes him to the bathroom and washes his hair and Hal genuinely falls asleep because its so soothing and calming and its the most caring thing hes been treated to since he was a child and his mom would rub his back when he was throwing up

Bruce washes and dries and brushes his hair for him and when hes done he presses a soft kiss to Hal's forehead, braiding the front strands of his hair to the back so it doesn't interfere with his fighting

'its just a part of the marriage act' Hal tells himself, even though they're completely alone inside the Manor.

"Thanks." he says, aloud, and Bruce waves him off like it's nothing.

But it's not. Hal hasn't been taken care of since he was a kid. But bruce acted like it was something special, like it was a reward for him to be able to take care of him.

Hal spends the night staring at the enormously beautiful ceiling, realizing hes in deep, deep shit.

haveihitanerve

still on the Marriage of Convenience BatLantern thing-

slowly learning each others habits and little quirks over years of slow accumulation of traits, except some of it is unintentional and others of it is fully with purpose

Like, Hal wakes up one morning after crashing hard after his mission and finds a coffee on his nightstand. He takes a few sips, shrugs off the bad taste, and goes on with his day

the next time it happens, the coffee is a little sweeter. Hal drinks a little more of it

over and over again, mission after mission, until its the perfect combination of milk and sugar and coffee, and then its that, every time.

Some things are just learned through time.

Hal learns Bruce has nightmares but usually wakes up silent and just roams the house by himself for a bit before its an acceptable time to wake up because he happened to be coming home right around the time that it happened. So now he has his ring set up a sensor outside Bruce's door that wakes him so they can 'accidentally' both be awake and keep each other company

Bruce notices the way Hal is always fidgeting with his jacket in some way shape or form, but its less about the jacket and more about just having something around his shoulders that can act as a cover, so he always has blankets or his own jacket laying around for when Hal doesn't and can drape it around him if he needs it

Hal's toilet breaks at some point and he has to share Bruce's for a while and they learn each others skin care routine (Hal doesn't have one) and Bedtime routine (Hal has a seven step process to brushing his teeth and flossing)

Hal learns Bruce likes to sleep with the curtains drawn tightly while Hal prefers to have a window cracked slightly

Both of them sleep with one leg out from under the covers and the rest of their bodies snuggled underneath tightly

Hal spots an empty bagel bag in the trash and buys the brand whenever he comes back from a trip

Bruce notices the way Hal's eyes stray on jewelry commercials and the next time he comes home there's a ring holder on his nightstand

Hal spies an old glove in the attic when he asks about cookbooks because he wants to try his hand at some more advanced stuff now that he has the space and money for it, and buys a new one

just. just little things that they pick up on about each other without intentions, or sometimes with intentions just because of the space and time they spend together

Hal puts in effort to notice how Bruce takes his coffee in the morning, and learns his moods to know whether or not he eats breakfast and if he's in the mood for it, what he generally eats so he can make it for him, since he wakes up early

Bruce puts in effort to notice how Hal winds down after a long day and makes sure the bath is always stocked with his favorite scents and soaps and that he has a really soft and fluffy robe to slip on afterwards and that they have Hal's favorite brand of popcorn and his comfort movie playing when he emerges

its just a marriage of convenience, but that doesn't mean they can't like each other

haveihitanerve

BatLantern 'domestic' where their flirting genuinely makes them sound like Villains even tho they're heroes

Bruce: *flirting* Is that a knife? Hal: *flirting back* Yeah want a closer look? Bruce: *flirting intensifies* I can help you sharpen it ~ Hal: *flirting* Baby there's this ache in my chest every time I see you but can't touch you Bruce: *completely serious* oh, yeah that's because the last time you got hurt I was the person who gave you pain medication so your body associates me with pain relief. Hal: *still turned on* ... right ~ Bruce: You weren't supposed to catch the batarang with your chest. Hal: Hey man, a hickey is temporary but scars are forever. Clark: Serious what the fuck is wrong with you two

gothamknight06

Jon: I have a question.

Damian: I am already regretting this.

Jon: How did Tim and Kon start dating?

Damian: Why are you asking me?

Jon: Because every time I ask them, they give me a different answer.

Damian: That is because Drake finds misinformation amusing.

Jon: Yesterday Tim said they met because Kon "fell out of the sky and into his life."

Damian: Technically accurate.

Jon: Then Kon said they bonded through "mutual emotional instability."

Damian: Also technically accurate.

Jon: Then Steph said they were "professionally obsessed with each other."

Damian: Again, technically accurate.

Jon: None of these answers help.

Damian: Welcome to the family.

(Across the room...)

Kon: Babe.

Tim: Yeah?

Kon: Jon's trying to figure out how we got together.

Tim: Oh.

Kon: Should we tell him?

Tim: Absolutely not.

Jon: WHY?!

Tim: It's funnier this way.

Damian: Drake.

Tim: Fine.

Jon: Finally.

Tim: It all started—

Kon: When I stole his coffee.

Tim: No.

Kon: Right. Wrong story.

Jon: WRONG STORY?

Steph: There are like... six versions.

Cass: Seven.

Steph: Seven?

Cass: Jason made one up.

Jason, from the kitchen: IT WAS BETTER THAN THE REAL ONE.

Tim: It really wasn't.

Jason: Agree to disagree!

Jon: Can someone just tell me what actually happened?

Kon: We became friends.

Jon: Then?

Tim: We kept almost dying.

Jon: That's... concerning.

Steph: Pretty standard for them.

Kon: Then we got really emotionally attached.

Jon: Okay...

Tim: But neither of us noticed.

Steph: They were the last people to notice.

Cass: Last.

Damian: Grayson noticed first.

Dick: I DID.

Tim: You imagined it.

Dick: Timmy, you looked at Kon like he hung the moon.

Tim: That's ridiculous.

Kon: *smiles*

Tim: ...

Steph: He's doing the face.

Jon: What face?

Steph: The one.

Cass: Soft.

Damian: Revoltingly so.

Tim: I am making a normal face.

Jason: You absolutely are not.

Kon: Keep talking about me.

Tim: No.

Kon: Please?

Tim: ...Maybe.

Steph: THERE IT IS.

Jon: Wait, he actually gets like that?

Damian: Drake becomes significantly less irritating in Kon's presence.

Tim: Thanks?

Damian: It was not intended as praise.

Kon: I think it's cute.

Damian: Of course you do.

Jon: So who confessed?

(Silence.)

Jon: Guys?

(More silence.)

Jon: ...Guys?

Steph: This is my favorite part.

Jason: Oh, this is hilarious.

Dick: I have the screenshots.

Tim: Delete them.

Dick: Never.

Kon: In our defense—

Tim: There isn't one.

Jon: WHAT HAPPENED?

Dick: They accidentally confessed.

Jon: How do you ACCIDENTALLY confess?

Steph: Oh, just watch.

Dick: Kon texted Tim—

Kon: I meant to text Bart.

Tim: Important distinction.

Kon: I sent Tim a message that said, "I think I'm in love with Tim."

Jon: ...

Jon: YOU SENT THAT TO TIM?

Kon: Yes.

Jon: ON ACCIDENT?

Kon: Yes.

Jon: WHAT DID YOU DO?!

Kon: I threw my phone across the room.

Bart, appearing out of nowhere: He screamed for like five minutes.

Kon: Thank you, Bart.

Bart: You're welcome!

Jon: Tim?

Tim: I stared at my phone.

Steph: For twenty-three minutes.

Tim: Twenty-one.

Steph: Twenty-three.

Tim: Whatever.

Dick: Then he texted me.

Jon: What did he say?

Dick: "Hypothetically speaking..."

Everyone: OH MY GOD.

Tim: I PANICKED.

Steph: He opened with "Hypothetically speaking, if someone accidentally confessed their love for you..."

Jason: "...what's the etiquette?"

Bart: I still laugh about that.

Jon: WHAT DID YOU REPLY?

Dick: I said, "Do you love him back?"

Jon: Logical.

Dick: Tim disappeared for another fifteen minutes.

Tim: I was thinking.

Steph: You were blue-screening.

Tim: Also true.

Kon: Meanwhile, I was digging my own grave.

Bart: Literally.

Jon: Literally?

Bart: We had shovels.

Kon: It felt appropriate.

Jon: This family is exhausting.

Damian: Correct.

Jon: So then what happened?

Tim: I went to the Kent's farm.

Kon: I assumed he was there to reject me.

Tim: Which is insane.

Kon: In hindsight, yes.

Tim: I knocked.

Kon: I opened the door.

Tim: Then I forgot every word I'd ever learned.

Steph: Canonically true.

Tim: I had a speech.

Jason: He absolutely did.

Tim: It was gone.

Kon: So we just stared at each other.

Jon: For how long?

Bart: Long enough that I left to get snacks.

Jon: ...

Bart: I came back.

Jon: ...

Bart: They were still staring.

Tim: It wasn't that long.

Bart: I microwaved popcorn.

Steph: Twice.

Tim: Details.

Kon: Then Tim finally said—

Tim: "Hi."

Jon: THAT WAS THE SPEECH?

Tim: NO.

Kon: Then I said "Hi."

Jon: ...

Jon: THAT'S IT?

Kon: Then we stared again.

Damian: I have never witnessed two supposedly intelligent individuals fail so catastrophically at communication.

Cass: Cute though.

Damian: In an embarrassing sort of way.

Tim: Eventually I said—

Kon: "I think I'm in love with you too."

Jon: FINALLY.

Steph: Then Kon started crying.

Kon: A little.

Jason: Like a lot.

Kon: A reasonable amount!

Tim: Then I started crying.

Jon: YOU?!

Tim: It had been a stressful day.

Steph: They both cried.

Cass: Hugged.

Dick: Bart cried because they were crying.

Bart: It was emotional!

Jon: That's it?

Steph: That's it.

Jon: You made it sound like this huge dramatic story.

Dick: It was.

Jon: No, it wasn't.

Bart: You had to be there.

Kon: Best day ever.

Tim: Yeah.

Kon: Love you.

Tim: Love you too.

(The room goes quiet.)

Damian: I take back everything I have ever said.

Jon: Really?

Damian: No.

Damian: That was still disgusting.

gothamknight06

Bruce: The next agenda item—

(His phone buzzes.)

Bruce: ...

(He silences it.)

Diana: Everything alright?

Bruce: Yes.

Hal: You're lying.

Bruce: I am.

Barry: Who's calling Batman during a Justice League meeting?

Bruce: It's nothing.

(The phone immediately starts ringing again.)

Bruce: ...

Clark: You should probably answer it.

Bruce: They'll stop.

(The phone stops ringing.)

Bruce: See?

(It starts ringing a third time.)

Bruce: ...

Arthur: That sounds urgent.

Bruce: It isn't.

J'onn: Batman.

Bruce: J'onn.

J'onn: Your heartbeat indicates resignation, not concern.

Bruce: Correct.

Hal: Oh, now I really want to know who's calling.

(The phone rings a fourth time.)

Bruce: Excuse me.

(He answers.)

Bruce: What.

Seven voices at once: BRUCE!!

Bruce: Why are you yelling?

Dick: JASON STARTED A FIRE!

Jason: I DID NOT!

Steph: HE ABSOLUTELY DID!

Jason: IT'S BARELY A FIRE!

Tim: THAT IS NOT HOW FIRES WORK!

Damian: Todd has committed arson.

Jason: IT WAS AN ACCIDENT!

Cass: Big fire.

Duke: Like... really big fire.

Bruce: ...

Bruce: Define "big."

Jason: That's subjective.

Bruce: Jason.

Jason: Bigger than a toaster.

Tim: It's in the kitchen.

Bruce: Jason.

Jason: The old kitchen.

Bruce: ...

Bruce: What happened to the kitchen?

Jason: Depends who you ask.

Steph: IT EXPLODED.

Jason: "Exploded" is a strong word.

Tim: THE OVEN IS IN THE POOL.

Arthur: ...How?

Bruce: I don't know, Arthur.

Dick: Bruce, don't be mad.

Bruce: Richard.

Dick: Jason—

Jason: Don't throw me under the bus!

Dick: You drove the bus into the house!

Bruce: Stop.

Everyone: ...

Bruce: One person speaks.

Everyone: ...

Bruce: Now.

Everyone: ...

Bruce: Fine. Damian.

Damian: Todd attempted to prepare garlic bread.

Bruce: ...

Bruce: Jason.

Jason: In my defense—

Bruce: No.

Jason: Fair.

Damian: He neglected to remove the packaging.

Jason: I forgot.

Steph: IT WAS PLASTIC.

Jason: I KNOW THAT NOW.

Tim: Then he panicked.

Duke: Then Dick panicked because Jason panicked.

Dick: Jason was yelling "IT'S FINE!"

Jason: It WAS fine.

Cass: Wasn't.

Tim: Then Steph grabbed the fire extinguisher.

Steph: Like a responsible adult.

Tim: She sprayed Jason.

Steph: He was closest.

Jason: I WAS NOT THE FIRE!

Steph: You were emotionally the fire.

Clark: *snorts*

Bruce: Clark.

Clark: Sorry.

Hal: Don't apologize. This is incredible.

Barry: Wait, is that everyone?

Bruce: Unfortunately.

Dick: Hi, League!

Steph: Is this on speaker?!

Bruce: No.

Hal: It is now.

(Hal taps the speaker button before Bruce can stop him.)

Bruce: Hal.

Hal: You're welcome, Spooky.

Dick: Hi, Hal!

Hal: Hi, Dick!

Barry: Hey, is Wally there?

Dick: Yeah, he's helping Alfred.

Barry: Can I say hi?

Bruce: Barry—

Dick: WALLY! YOUR UNCLE IS ON THE PHONE!

Wally, somewhere in the distance: TELL HIM I'M BUSY TRYING TO SAVE JASON FROM ALFRED!

Jason: SAVE ME!

Alfred, faintly: You are not escaping, Master Jason.

Jason: BRUCE, HELP.

Bruce: No.

Clark: That's fair.

Jason: YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO BE MY FATHER.

Bruce: I am.

Jason: ACT LIKE IT.

Bruce: I am.

Jason: THIS ISN'T SUPPORTIVE.

Bruce: Neither was the kitchen.

Barry: I'm crying.

Hal: Bruce has seven children and somehow none of them know how to cook.

Tim: Excuse me.

Hal: You know how?

Tim: No.

Hal: Thought so.

Damian: Pennyworth forbids us from entering the kitchen unattended.

Arthur: That's... concerning.

Steph: We have color-coded privilege levels.

Diana: Color-coded?

Cass: Green. Can cook.

Duke: Yellow. Can make sandwiches.

Dick: Orange. Supervised cooking.

Tim: Red. Absolutely not.

Barry: Which one is Jason?

Everyone on the phone: BLACK.

Jason: RUDE.

Steph: It literally says "If Jason enters the kitchen, notify Alfred immediately."

Hal: There's a sign?

Dick: Laminated.

Clark: Bruce..?

Bruce: I didn't make the sign.

Alfred, louder now: I did.

League: ...

Alfred: It has significantly reduced insurance claims.

Arthur: Insurance claims?!

Tim: You'd be amazed.

Jason: ONE TIME.

Cass: Nine.

Jason: Details.

Hal: This is the funniest thing I've ever heard.

Bruce: I fail to see the humor.

Clark: I don't.

Bruce: Of course you don't.

Clark: They're adorable.

Bruce: They are committing property damage.

Clark: Together.

Bruce: Clark.

Clark: Listen to them. They're calling you because they trust you.

Bruce: They're calling me because the oven is in the pool.

Clark: Still counts.

Barry: Aww.

Hal: Oh my God.

Arthur: He's smiling.

Diana: He absolutely is.

Clark: I'm not.

J'onn: You are.

Clark: Fine. Maybe a little.

Hal: Superman thinks Batman's disaster children are cute.

Barry: Write that down.

Clark: They are cute.

Bruce: They are twenty-five percent cute and seventy-five percent expensive.

Dick: We heard that!

Bruce: Good.

Steph: Rude!

Jason: I think we're at least forty percent cute.

Damian: I refuse to be categorized with these barbarians.

Cass: Cute.

Damian: ...

Damian: Acceptable.

Clark: See?

Bruce: Don't encourage them.

Clark: I can't help it.

Hal: Dude, you're whipped.

Clark: Am not.

Barry: You absolutely are.

Clark: Bruce is a great dad.

Hal: Bruce's children just called him because one of them accidentally launched an oven into a swimming pool.

Clark: Exactly.

Barry: Explain.

Clark: They knew he'd know what to do.

Bruce: I do know what to do.

Dick: Really?

Bruce: Yes.

Dick: Great, what do we do?

Bruce: Put Alfred on the phone.

(A brief shuffle.)

Alfred: Good afternoon, sir.

Bruce: Is everyone alive?

Alfred: Miraculously.

Bruce: Is the Manor still standing?

Alfred: Mostly.

Bruce: Is anyone seriously injured?

Alfred: Master Jason's pride has suffered catastrophic damage.

Jason: ALFRED!

Alfred: Other than that, no.

Bruce: Excellent. Handle it however you see fit.

Jason: WAIT, NO—

Bruce: I'll be home in an hour.

Alfred: Very good, sir.

(The call disconnects.)

The meeting room is completely silent.

Hal: I have one question.

Bruce: No.

Hal: How does this happen every week?

Bruce: Practice.

Barry: I want to come over sometime.

Bruce: No.

Clark: Can I?

Bruce: You already do.

Clark: True.

Hal: Seriously, Supes, you find that endearing?

Clark: Absolutely.

Barry: They called Bats like kids calling their dad because they broke something.

Clark: Exactly.

Arthur: They are all highly trained vigilantes.

Clark: Who still call B when they accidentally destroy the kitchen.

Diana: It is rather sweet.

Bruce: It is not sweet.

Clark: Bruce.

Bruce: Clark.

Clark: You answered on the fourth call.

Bruce: Because they only call that many times if it's important.

Hal: Or if Jason's cooking.

Bruce: Those are the same thing.

Clark: You didn't even ask if they were telling the truth.

Bruce: Because I already knew exactly who did it.

Barry: Without evidence?

Bruce: Jason said "in my defense" before I asked a single question.

Hal: Fair.

Clark, smiling at Bruce: You're a really good dad.

Bruce: ...

Hal: THERE'S THE SMILE.

Bruce: There is no smile.

Barry: Supes broke Batman.

Clark: I didn't break him.

Bruce, very quietly: We still need a new oven.

Clark: I'll buy you one.

Bruce: I know.

Hal: Oh, that's disgustingly domestic.

Barry: They're impossible.

Diana: They really are.

J'onn: It is, however, objectively adorable.

Bruce: The meeting is over.

Hal: We still have four agenda items.

Bruce: Not anymore.

anne-jordan

You know that whole "A Spider-Man that doesn't make jokes is a dangerous Spider-Man" argument? I have something similar for DC.

A silent Hal Jordan is the most lethal one.

He is tired and in pain 99% of the time and he still has it in him to be a little shit, crack a couple of jokes, be as loudly defiant and annoying as he can possibly be, because that's just how he is.

Which is why if you do something and Hal doesn't have anything witty or corny or slightly flirty to say, you better shut up and quietly surrender, or things will get ugly. Like, "Break the no kill rule of the ring trough sheer willpower in order to absolutely disintegrate you from existence" type of ugly.

Because a silent Hal is one bursting with green energy from every pore, one with eyes glowing under the mask and green veins bulging under thin skin, theeth clenched to the point of breaking and blood running down his mouth from how hard he bit his tongue. It's an Hal at the very end of the rope, so full of rightful fury that it strips him of words. It's an Hal waiting for you to give him one last reason, like a predator about to pounce. One wrong step and you'll find yourself with a crater in your chest before you can even breathe.

It's such a rare occurance, to see him like this, because that's what his constant jokes and stupid puns are for, to hide his anger and pain, to keep a grip on them the same way you would keep a dangerous dog on a leash. He has that much control over himself, even if no one else recognize it.

But the moment he stops talking? it's because that control is willingly being thrown out of a window. Years of pent up frustration, anger, helplessness and pain are about to be unleashed through the most powerful weapon in the universe, and no one will survive it.

Beware of a silent Hal Jordan, for that's probably gonna be the last thing you'll ever see.

bat-bleed

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notbao

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