Kiara writes JJ a letter, post-season 4. As part of Looking Back on the Future.
My JJ,
In my dreams, we grow old together. I’m there when you find your first grey hair, when your squinting makes a visit to the eye doctor inevitable, when you start to complain about your knees and back. But then I wake up, and I have to rely on my memory. I’m terrified that one day it will fail me, that I won’t be able to see you clearly. I’m terrified of forgetting. For now, I picture you happy, riding a wave, laughing with John B and Pope, steering the boat into the sunset. It’s nice, this image that I have of you. Forever blonde, forever young, forever mine.
A song came on the radio the other day. Sarah was in the kitchen, playing her oldies station. Remember how you used to tease her? How annoyed she'd get when you mocked her and told her she wasn't the first girl to think she discovered Fleetwood Mac? “Just another white girl who makes classic rock her entire personality,” you used to say. She still smiles when she turns the dials.
Janis Joplin was singing, and we were humming along, and she said, “I’d trade all my tomorrows for just one more yesterday,” and I stopped. Sometimes I want to go back in time, freeze it in the moments you were happiest, relive them over and over again. If it were possible, I’d go back just to hear you laugh and to see you smile and have you next to me. One last time. But then I think of all the tomorrows the rest of them deserve to live, the life that Pope and John B and Sarah and Cleo are all making for themselves, and the life we’re trying to make for Josie.
You should see your niece. She’s so beautiful. She has John B’s curls and his eyes, but she’s all Sarah with the attitude, and if you were here, she’d have you wrapped around her finger. I talk to her about you. I sit with her in our bed and show her your picture. I tell her how amazing you are. I tell her that we were all so lucky to have you. We were all better people for having loved you and been loved by you. I’m taking care of everyone, JJ. Just like you asked. But they’re taking care of me, too. Because that’s what family does. You taught us that.
People come into the shop sometimes, asking about you. Not asking for you. Just about you. People from the Cut, people from Figure Eight, people as far north as Hatteras. Had a couple come in from Wilmington once. Everyone had a story about JJ Maybank. That's who you were, JJ. I thought you were just my everything and the glue that held us all together. But you were so much more. You were someone to everyone.
I hope you know how much I loved you. How much I will always love you. I hope it was enough. I hope you left this world knowing it was true. Because the only thing worse than you dying is you dying thinking you weren’t loved. You told me that you got your wish, that you got everything you ever wanted. Well, so did I. You were everything I ever wanted. The two years we had were the best of my life. Even if I live to be a thousand years old, I’m sure nothing will ever compare.
We’re going to see each other again. I know we are. If I know you, you’re sitting in whatever afterlife there is, stubbornly waiting for me to join you. Our story isn’t over.
I love you. Always. Forever.
Your Kie.
