A proper explanation for my decision to leave fandom
I wanted to clear something up because I have gotten a few asks about it, as well as give a proper explanation for my decision to leave.
I did not decide to leave because of the rape defenders and pedophiles who had been harassing me. I really don’t care about them. I decided to leave for several reasons, and while yes, someone stalking me was the last straw, it was by no means the only reason, or even the most important reason. This was a long time coming. I had posted about it several times in the last few months, though because most people here don’t care about personal posts, I’m guessing most missed them.
1) To put it simply, I’m growing tired of fandom. Not just Naruto, but the fandom life as a whole. I’ve been in it for 16 years, and while it has helped me tremendously in many ways, after time to reflect on it, I feel that it has also done significant harm as well. I have neglected loved ones offline (and online, if they were not in the fandom). I have given up most of my hobbies and interests, including writing original fiction and photography because neither have anything to do with fandom so I found them “useless”. Though I once enjoyed spending time outside, I became increasingly reclusive because fandom was not to be found while hiking eventually I was never leaving the house except for school/work/errands. I have not done the best possible in school or work, either, and was more interested in things not interfering with fandom time than I was in doing my best. Even though I had plenty of “free time”, I felt like I never had any because fandom stopped being a hobby, but something I had to do. Even if I was enjoying myself elsewhere, I would feel anxiety about not posting. I have allowed myself to flounder around and waste years of my life steeped in indecisiveness because I was too busy spending 8 hours a day online talking with people who, at the end of the day, didn’t care to know me at all, about a subject that I would never be able to carry into academia or work.
I have nothing against fandom, especially in moderation. I have met some amazing people through fandom and I can honestly say that it has literally saved my life at times, but there are severe problems with immersing oneself as deeply in it as I did. I understand that a lot of people here who are in the position I was in 15, 10, 5, even one year ago, will be angry at me about this, will say that I’m just one of those awful old people who hates technology and the internet and anything fun and I must really hate socially awkward kids, but maybe one day they will see what I mean. I began to feel pressured to engage in fandom. It was becoming an obligation, but because I continued to tell myself it was fun, it was my past-time, my social life, I fooled myself into ignoring that pressure. I let my life fall apart even more than it had been falling apart because I could just shrug and say, “at least I have fandom”. I did not take responsibility or initiative for things I should have because I could throw my hands in the air and say, “well it’s CHAPTER NIGHT so who cares!” I regret this now. I can’t undo it, but I can stop it.
I am also sick of being PikaCheeka. I am sick of having thousands of followers who get pissed when I don’t write fanfics fast enough or I don’t reply to every single ask I get or I decide to post about myself or even go on hiatus. I have even had people demand that producing fanfiction is more important than my well-being. I do not owe fandom, strangers or acquaintances, anything.
2) Tumblr is a pretty toxic, terrible website, and I’m tired of the endless pissing contests going on here. The obsessive trivialization of mental illness, abuse & trauma, matters of sexuality, etc... is extremely harmful and offensive to those of us who are struggling with these issues. I am gay and therefore struggle with invisibility and discrimination because society is unaccepting, mocking, and hateful towards my sexuality. I don’t need people telling me that Naruto and Sasuke MUST be gay because one touched the other’s face when he thought he was dead, and I’m homophobic if I think otherwise, nor do I need people saying that I am “ruining” characters and I deserve to go get raped because I ship gay things. I was in an abusive relationship. I don’t need people telling me I must enjoy being beaten because I like SasuSaku, just as I don’t need people telling me that I only like it because I am a poor tortured soul in need of catharsis. I have a chronic, debilitating mental illness that I am ashamed of. I don’t need people purposefully chasing others off this website with death threats because of a pairing and then saying, “I diagnosed myself bipolar! They traumatized me and I can’t help my behavior! You can’t criticize me because I am oppressed!” That said, I’m also just sick of character apologists and defense squads who make excuses for horrific behavior. You can like a character who is a bad person without pretending they did nothing wrong, damn.
Yes, this happens everywhere, but Tumblr seems to take these behaviors to the extreme. And while all my examples were of the Naruto fandom, this behavior is not limited to it. I have seen many utterly disgusting things said and done by fandoms that friends are in, including fandoms that people left Naruto for with the belief that this new group would be better.
3) Quite simply, I’ve been having mixed feelings about HashiMada as of late, really for the last six months. While I still like them quite a bit, I have really lost my deep interest for them, and I am entirely disinterested in nsfw material of them now. For various reasons, obsessing over a fictional pairing has really lost the appeal. I still think about them and consider writing for them, though it’s not the same anymore and I don’t think it ever will be.
4) Finally, a particular individual within the HashiMada fandom who I was once friendly with upped her stalker antics. She had always exhibited obsessive tendencies towards me, saying that I was her reason for living at one point and acting as if we were best friends even though we barely knew one another, and I was growing increasingly uncomfortable with her. When I finally expressed that I would prefer some distance, she turned nasty. She dedicated her time to reading everything I have ever written online, from websites I never shared with her, from years and years before I knew her, and harassing me about it. She began mocking me for my depression and suggesting that nobody else loves or cares about me, including my partner, who she has a disturbing vendetta against. I began being harassed on other websites by new members with IP addresses matching her hometown.
She spread lies about how I was harassing and victimizing others and told people I was sending anon hate, as well as publicly pretended that SHE was the victim in her stalking, and spread these lies in the HM fandom. Last I knew, she was doing an in-depth study of the entire Madara fandom on tumblr, going back years, finding everyone who has ever received anon hate (including friends of mine and people I have never heard of), and telling others I was the one who sent that hate. In her mad scramble to make me look terrible, she is violating the privacy of everyone in the entire fandom.
I don’t pretend to be a perfectly decent individual, nor do I pretend that I am not antagonistic and belligerent at times, and I know that my reputation here is anything but perfect. Because this individual is an older woman with a maternal attitude towards most others, it’s no surprise that most people in the fandom took her word that I was the bad person here. I’m fine with people here thinking I’m a pain in the ass and/or a total grouch, but please know that I would never, EVER send hate to others, nor would I “victimize”, “target”, or otherwise harass individuals. If someone does something offensive or harmful, I will speak out about it, but I will never attack them. In the end, I guess you can believe whomever you want, because I have decided to withdraw from the HashiMada fandom. I do not feel comfortable or safe in a fandom where someone is spending her time stalking and manipulating people young enough to be her children.
So there you have it. Reasons for leaving fandom, Tumblr, and the HashiMada fandom in particular. Thank you if you took the time to read all of this, and if you were one of the people who made my time here enjoyable, thank you for that as well.
Please do not worry about me or interpret this as some secret suicide message. I have decided that distancing myself from fandom will ultimately improve my mental health, and while I can’t say for certain that it has yet due to recent unrelated events making me happy, I do believe this will be the case. The cloud of anxiety and frustration that descends upon me when I sign into this account or otherwise engage in fandom is tangible, and several weeks away from it has made me very aware.
Now I can spend time with loved ones, both in person and on the phone, without feeling the need to check the computer every hour and without talking primarily (or only) about fandom. I can focus on regaining interest in hobbies I once loved and found purpose in, as well as minor past-times I simply enjoyed but put aside for internet time. I can have free time again. I can go outside again. I can think about school and work and not be concerned with it intruding on my fandom time. I can stop spending exorbitant amount of money on merchandise. I can freely read other books and watch other shows and have fun talking about them casually without feeling like I am “betraying” my fandom. I can live without my emotional well-being revolving around the whims of terrible authors. I can live my life as me, not as a fandom entity.
Fandom began as a form of escapism from stresses of the real world.
It ultimately became an excuse for not engaging in it.
I am happier now without it, so do not worry about me.
