Crazy Sexy Rude Astrology

Requests:: CLOSED Requests and Guidelines Meet the Admins A kpop astrology blog run by two very bitter water signs for all your sassy smutty starry desires.

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Hey, can you guess infinite dongwoo ‘S rising sign?

Omg honestly i would love to but I'm not familiar with Infinite 😥

However if anyone wants to check out our stan list in our Requests and Guidelines post i think guessing rising signs would be hella fun!

-Admin Peachy 🍑

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wsup i really enjoyed your blog ❤❤ i get so into and i want make a request to can u make a master analysis w nct 127 and exo to? Heres my info: 30/03/1999 born 23:30pm in Brazil,duque de Caxias (city) thank u so much 💗💗 awesome blog btw

Would love to but requests are closed. Try again later.

-admin Peachy 🍑

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Hello~ Can I get a Hallyu Analysis please? I was born on March 12, 1997, at 11:46am, in Springfield, MA, US (if anything 18+ is relevant, by all means, I’d love to know)

Hallyu Analysis: mellowwinnerparadise edition

Position

Dance line, sub vocal

Choreographer of the group

Fake Maknae

Creative soft bub

The Space Cadet™

Group Dynamics

You contribute a LOT to creative content

Maybe choreographer and lyricist

Writes a new song in an afternoon

Takes 2 months to choreograph

You're also the Must Protect™ member

You're always the one getting memed when you have to do reality shows that involve haunted houses, roller coasters, etc.

Never paying attention

Not the maknae but THE BABY

Also often the intermediary during group disputes

Your chart is heavy mutable so you're good at seeing both sides of a situation

Ideal for solving arguments

But god forbid you ever get in one

#TheBabyCannotHandle

Like if you could ejector seat out of confrontation you would

But it's ok because your members are 25/8 ready to throw hands on your behalf

You have like 8 ride or dies

Idol Dating

Errrr short relationships

Tbh you may not be that great at asserting yourself

So i can see you getting dumped a lot and just letting it happen instead of standing up for yourself

HOWEVER

When you find The One™ who has a knight in shining armor complex

OH MAN

He gonna be all about it

Like ring in a year about it

Like you know the crying "that's my baby" reaction video?

Yeah that's how they'd feel about you

Haaaaave you heard of iKON???

Yeah Donghyuck would die for his lil dance line bae

The relationship isnt public but other idols see y'all in the same room

And your dumb starry eyed looks at each other

And they all know...you two are just plain STUPID for each other

Also you've eaten at least 2/7 of Got7's phone numbers

Sorry i don't stan winner so idk if you would be a good match for any of them

But if they got a Taurus too he'd prolly love you

-Admin Peachy 🍑

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Hi, can I get an 18+ master analysis with BTS? I'm an aries sun/venus/rising, virgo moon, pisces mercury, cancer mars, libra jupiter, aquarius saturn, capricorn uranus/neptune, and scorpio pluto 😀

Sorry requests are closed

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Hey! May I request a master analysis with BTS pls! I'm a Taurus ( sun, moon, Venus ), Aries ( Mercury , Rising) , and Virgo Mars! Ahh and it can be (18+) Thank uu! 💕 I hope you both have a lovely week !! <33

Sorry love requests are currently closed.

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Hiiii Loveeeess,love the bloggg Can I please get a BTS +18 master analysis? I was born in 2001 november 25,11:07 a.m. Buenos Aires,Argentina. Thank ypu so much!💜💞

Sorry dear requests are currently closed as per our bio.

-Peachy 🍑

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Hi, can I get an 18+ master analysis for BTS? I was born on Dec. 30, 1991, in Orlando, Florida at 7:07 p.m. Thank you in advance 💜

Master Analysis: punkydunes edition

Ships

I ship you with

Namjoon and Yoongi!

Your chart isn’t particularly compatible with one member but I think these two combined would give you a really balanced relationship. Namjoon would provide a great intellectual relationship for you. You both have a good hardworking head on your shoulders but his Sagittarius moon would provide a little bit of fun and lightheartedness. Whereas Yoongi…oh boy on the surface you may not seem like you’d be a great match but IN THE BEDROOM

🔞 oh boy.  Your Mars and his Venus provide a LOT of emotional depth in romance and his Mars and your Venus bring a lot of heat to the table. You and Namjoon would be cuddle on the couch date night buddies where as you and Yoongi would be have to leave the dinner table to go fuck in the bathroom NOW.  And the three ways? Oh god. They would last for hours and would be a dichotomy of mental connection juxtaposed sheer unbridled need. 

Mini Summary

the definition of hardwork

passionate and dedicated

compassionate about specific causes

but those causes can change every few years

always securing the bag

Hallyu Analysis

Leader,sub vocal, lead rapper

you also do a lot of production and lyric writing for the group

the leader of the group

like the dad leader

in public: look at those fucking idiots

oh god those are my idiots

fuck *literally has to lasso them*

doesn’t come across as terribly affectionate

but adores her fans

would literally do anything for them

writes a lot of songs for the fans

has eaten most numbers in her inkigayo sandwiches

is lowkey in a committed relationship anyway

but nobody outside your group knows it

if you did get involved in any scandals it would be for being politically outspoken

sociAL JUSTICE

generally the level headed reasonable member

but your members are all secretly scared of you 

bc when you get angry its like a warhead going off

lives get ruined

Get Wrecked

jesus fucking Christ RELAX

I promise you it’s not that deep

has probably told people to fuck off over shit that never really mattered

for the record, love doesn’t need to be THAT possessive my friend

broaden your goddamn horizons 

tbh I kind of love your chart so I don’t have much to drag

But We Still Love You

hustle and GRIND

you’ve probably had a full time job since you were a child

you’re probably great at reading people you’re close to

in romance you’re very supportive but also still fun

you’re not really spontaneous but every now and then you get a wild hair

and good times are HAD

but then you still get up on time for work the next day

you’re gonna be a great parent

Thanks for the taking interest in us ^_^

-Admin Peachy 🍑

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The signs as dumb kpop gifs

Aries:

Taurus

Gemini

Cancer

Leo

Virgo

Libra

Scorpio

Sagittarius

Capricorn

Aquarius

Pisces

[pinch-and-poke]

Hi there! Really excited about the kpop/astrology blog!! If you guys have time I’d like a master analysis! Ship me with exo or nct! My info is: December 19, 1991 Norfolk, Virginia 10:41 am. Please take your time, no rush, and thank you!

Master Analysis: lowtieruwu edition

Ships

Sasori ships you with

Yixing! This soft boy will mellow out your fire vibes and also give you the space and freedom you need. He’ll pretty much let you run the show.

🔞

has no problems being a sub and letting you take the reigns.

Literally up for anything at least once so whatever you wanna try he’s down for.

Wanna tie him up? Fuckin go for it the boy loves rope play. Tie his ass up.

Sometimes he gets a little fed up though and enough is enough.

Like when you wont stop groping him under the table at dinner.

He’s gonna find a reason to excuse you two from the table

“Are they fucking in the parking lot?”

They’re fucking in the parking lot

Peachy ships you with

Ten!

Y'all would constantly be dragging each other, much to everyone’s amusement. And he’d push you to work hard.

🔞

Y'all some straight up FREAKS.

There’s a swing and harnesses and overly complicated lingerie (which one of you wears it though?) And 27 varieties of oil by your bedside.

Post-coital showers are mandatory cuz y'all be putting in WORK.

He loves doming you, especially since you dont make it easy, but he’s gotta be a switch sometimes.

You two always walking around bruised and scratched up.

Absolutely fucked in the dance practice room

And probably on another member’s bed when they pissed you off

Leather

Hallyu Analysis

Main dancer and lead rapper

Not allowed to write her own tracks after she dropped an EP of exclusively diss tracks

Holds the record for inkigayo sandwiches collected

Like if idols were pokemon, your pokedex would be FULL

Literally just has a cork board of phone numbers pinned to it

BUT NEVER REPLIES TO THEIR TEXTS

v popular, even predebut, has a big fan base

Absolutely decimates her members, on accident

Just constantly dragging them without even realizing it

But they let it slide

Bc scared

But also bc they know you’ll burn a motherfucker down that tries to come for them

Dating and partying scandals

So many in fact that no one cares anymore

Mini Summary

Big flighty hippie energy

Always traveling or experiencing something new

Passionate but short attention span

Naturally draws a lot of attention

Has never once pulled a punch in her life and never will, doesnt matter if it’s a physical or verbal altercation

Get Wrecked

Has this chart ever maintained a job?

Being a shot girl in the club doesn’t really count

Although you do make bank doing it

Doesn’t know the meaning of reliable

Has 2k unread texts

“I literally wouldn’t come near this person with a 50 foot pole. Maybe longer.” -Sasori

God DO NOT call this chart for emotional support, job reference, or a ride ffs.

Despite being the least reliable friend ever on the face of the planet, this chart feels things VERY intensely. MUST INDULGE FEELINGS RN IMMEDIATELY ITS V IMPORTANT

And then theyre gone poof

“Oh my god i think i met the one we’re gonna travel the world together”

*2 weeks later*

“Who? Oh i didn’t even save his number”

Probably has a secret child

Never shuts tf up

But We Still Love You

Just kidding, Sasori hates Sags

But Peachy doesn’t!

I would call you at least once a month to have turn up (but you’re never in town when i call)

Definitely the fun friend

Also the friend you call when you get in a fight

Will have your back (if you’re even around)

Also has lots of experience punching probably

Athletic?

Also v good at finessing men (or women, or whoever youre into today) out of free food

Will absolutely share their free food too

Has a lot of interesting life philosophies, definitely an engaging person to talk to

When you love, you put your whole heart into it (for however long you feel like)

I feel like you literally always look good?

Thanks for being our first request 💗💗💗

-Sasori 🍥& Peachy 🍑

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Announcement

~Requests are Open lovelies~

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Hallyu Analysis: Sasori Edition.

Sasori has no idea I’m doing this, but I thought it would be a fun way to kick things off. 

Position

Lead rapper

Underground turned idol

everyone is shocked she went mainstream

the anti-aegyo member

Group Dynamics

one of the quieter members

except for when she’s being an absolute savage

passive aggressively shades her members when they’re being bratty

aggressively shades the haters in the media

every time she opens her mouth in an interview her manager grows another grey hair because she does not pull her punches when someone makes her mad

the one that accidentally swears on live TV

not “the mom” of the group but still lowkey takes care of her members

takes absolutely 0 shit (except from maybe like her favorite member)

lowkey knows everyone’s darkest secrets but keeps it to herself

hates cute concepts

Management: well that’s too bad this song has a cute concept

Sasori: fine but I’m only wearing black

refuses to do aegyo unless asked by someone particularly attractive, even then still wants to die inside

the cryptid member, never seen outside of official schedules

no one is even sure she’s real

may be a hologram

interacts more with her members and other idols on their instagrams than she does in real life (because that requires leaving the house)

collabs with other groups/idols frequently, even outside the company

Don't tell anyone but despite the tough exterior she's actually big softie who loves kitties

Idol Dating

has never eaten an Inkigayo sandwich, let alone a phone number

has either low key pocketed the number without anyone noticing, if she was actually interested

or stares them directly in the eye as she throws the whole sandwich away

relationships last years or they never get past a second date

good luck with rumors, Dispatch can never find her

but it’s the media and there’s gonna be rumors

(hear me out on this one Sasori) rumors start circulating that she’s dating a *gasp* younger Idol, omg she’s dating Woojin from BNB

people think they make a great hard working lowkey savage couple

until Sasori is doing a radio interview

“Woojin? How did that rumor even start? He’s a nice kid but I’m dating Chanyeol, wtf?”

media blows up when they find out she’s dating a beagle line boy

manager grows more grey hairs when she admits she’s dating another idol AND swears on air

fandom chaos ensues, no one saw it coming because their personalities seem so different

but it’s actually a p good pairing and they last for quite some time

They're literally this meme

-Admin Peachy

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Requests and Guidelines

Hello and welcome to Pinch and Poke Astrology!

We saw a definite lack of more ~mature~ Kpop/Astrology cross section blogs and decided to start our own. Here we will be accepting 18+ requests and will certainly be peppering them with a lot of sass. We are just some rude ass smut writers who love astrology.

Guidelines

Please specify if you would like an 18+ response to your request. This will determine whether or not we include sexual content and foul language in our response. (Please do not request 18+ if you are a minor)

Absolutely NO 18+ requests for NCT Dream (this includes Mark) or Sanha as these are our BABIES and we don’t really care if they are ~legal~ or not.

If you are asking for a ship please specify if you are not comfortable with polyamory. One of our admins is polyamorous and if she does not feel you are compatible with only one member she will be inclined to give you a polyamorous ship if she feels it would make a stable and healthy relationship. 

Please submit either your signs or birthdate, place, and time(if you don’t know time that’s ok) with your request. Going off of sun sign alone is not very accurate. Try to include at least Sun, Moon, Mercury, Mars, Venus, and Rising if you are submitting your signs. Feel free to submit all your placements.

If you would like your request answered by a specific admin, feel free to request us by name. Libras you’re not safe with either of us.

Please do not flood the inbox with multiple requests for one person. For now we have anon off so we can keep track of how many requests someone submits. There are only two of us and we both have busy schedules and we want to answer requests for as many people as possible. It’s not fair to others if we are answering 7 requests for one damn Gemini.

Don't hesitate to include your preferred pronouns! We're both shes so we tend to assume everyone else is too and we don't wanna misgender anyone.

Requests

Ships: give us a group and we will ship you with one or multiple members. However we are savages so if we feel you are not compatible with anyone we will say so and maybe provide an alternate idol. If requesting 18+ these could get smutty.

Drags: we will drag your chart to hell and back. Ok maybe not that bad, depending on the chart. Please keep in mind this is all in good fun and everyone’s chart has positives and negatives, do not take it too seriously. Please do not request a drag if you are going to be upset by being insulted. We aim to be funny here on Pinch and Poke.

Praise: Conversely if you want us to praise your chart submit a praise request and we will try to be nice. Good luck getting one out of Peach if you’ve got heavy Libra placements though.

Compatibility: Request compatibility with a specific idol. Be ready to be told you’re not compatible if we truly feel you are not. We will try to find positive aspects though with every request. Some people are just better as friends folks. If requesting 18+ these could get smutty.

Idol Romance Analysis: send us an idol and we'll tell give you basically a "*name* as a bf/gf" analysis based on their chart. 18+ requests will include smutty details.

Hallyu Analysis: we’ll look over your chart and determine how we think you would function as an idol. Including position, how you would interact with other members, and idol dating life. Who would slip you an Inkigayo sandwich? How many numbers would you accidentally eat?

Master analysis: If you want a little bit of everything. Specify a group and we will give you a ship, or an idol for compatibility(this part can be 18+). We will also include a brief drag section, some praise, and how we think you would function in a hallyu group.

Groups

Groups we are currently accepting requests for, AKA our Stan list.

Specialties(AKA Ults)

Admin Peachy

Monsta X

NCT/WayV

Wanna One

SHINee

Brand New Boys

Seventeen

Admin Sasori

EXO

Monsta X

iKON

Astro

MXM

Block B

Other Groups:

BTS

Vixx

The Boyz

Got7

Red Velvet

BlackPink

JBJ

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Meet The Admins

Welcome to Pinch and Poke! A Kpop Astrology blog run by a bitter old Cancer and Scorpio.

Admin Peachy

AKA The Pinch

Cancer Sun, Capricorn Moon and Stellium, Leo Mars and Venus, with a Pisces Rising.

Writing blog (mostly smuts and a few AUs)

Messy fandom blog

Twitter

Ults: Wonho, Kang Daniel, Woozi, Lim Youngmin

Fave Groups: NCT, Monsta X, Brand New Boys, and Seventeen

used to hate Geminis, now hates Libras more

loves Leos, Pisces, and Aquariuses undeservedly. Deservedly loves Scorpios and Capricorns. Also glitter, I really love glitter.

Probably owns 50 highlighters. The makeup kind not the marker kind.

hates ballads, thinks B.I. needs to make a One and Only MV

believes being a Shawol is a religion

wants you to stan The Boyz

Admin Sasori

AKA The Poke

Scorpio Sun, Aquarius Moon, Scorpio Mercury, Scorpio Venus, Gemini Mars, Taurus Rising

Would anyone believe me if I said that I’m the nice admin? Probably not.

Writing blog

Twitter

Ults: Baekhyun (the ult of all ults, holds my tiny heart in his well-manicured hands), Minhyuk, Donghyun, Yunhyeong, Kyung/P.O

Fav Groups: EXO, Monsta X, MXM, iKON, Block B/BASTARZ

Only knows how to do a Smokey Eye and winged eyeliner.

NARUTO SUPERFAN だってばよ!!!! 🍥

Avid Sagittarius Anti

Fire sun/Air moon enthusiast

Ballad hoe (does that exist?) but also busts it for a real one

Does NOT want a One and Only MV only because Yunhyeong is holding on to her top spot by this 👌🏻 much as is

Wants B.I to leave her bias list alone and thinks you should stan EXO for clear skin