Gender?Yes

Gender fluid and still learning Open to questions

[pinkorblueyes]

"I believe that everyone everything happens for a reason. People change so that you can learn to let go, things go wrong so that you you appreciate them when they're right, you believe lies so you eventually learn to trust no one but yourself, and sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together.

- Marilyn Monroe

[pinkorblueyes]

HAPPY NEW YEAR!

For the few people who know about this blog, happy new year, I hope it's a good one for you. As the normal news years tradition goes, I'm going to create my news years resolutions.

I'm going to get fit

Everyone says that. Basic of the basic but I'm doing it for something other than loosing weight. I want abs and biceps. I want to have the body type where people look at me and have to think twice about my gender. Where I look the gender that I am that day whether it's because of muscle or because I'm fit and have a small waist.

I'm going to come out as gender fluid to some important people.

Not my blood family but the people that I consider family. As long as I am living under my mother's roof I am a straight cis female. College isn't that far away but that's not my concern right now. My concern is making it that long leading me to my next resolution.

Don't do anything to harm myself whether it's my mind or my body.

I'm over a year clean from self harm. I want to keep it that way.

Stop being so damn afraid.

What happens is going to happen. We only have one shot at life so I'm going to put myself out there and meet people, experience things and kiss people I never thought I would kiss. I can't always be so afraid of things (which I am) so I'm going to conquer my fears.

Courage isn't being afraid of nothing. Courage is being afraid but still doing it anyways.

For me that goes from flipping a rifle differently (armed drill team let's go) to getting closer to people and trusting others. I'm swearing to myself that 2019 is going to be a good year for me.

New day, new year, new me. I hope.

Rise and grind fellow outcasts, we're going to do something worth remembering this year. I believe in you.

[pinkorblueyes]

How's life?

Well friends, life is a joke. By the time I wake up feeling good about myself until I look in the mirror and realize that how I'm feeling today doesn't match how I look life is a joke. I'm not going to be one of the people who tell you that "life is great" or "be a happy day of sunshine and life will always go your way". It doesn't work that way.

There will be days were life is going you're way and you can see everything falling in place and there will be other days where nothing is right and you can't see past the next hour.

But even though all this is happening, you don't ever give up. There are good days and then there are bad days. Everyone's bad day is different. Let me tell you about one of mine.

I've felt like a guy for 4 days now, the longest I've been one gender. This always leads to doubts about if I really am fluid or if I'm really trans. Then there's always dysphoria that comes with this. It's not always bad; I'm not that sensitive to it because I've ignored it for so long. I'm used to it but yesterday it got really bad.

Yesterday was the worst I've ever felt dysphoria in a long time. I was going to take a shower so I was standing in front of the mirror while it was warming up. I felt like crying because I felt so out of place in my own body. My hips were the biggest thing that was bothering me. I just stood there and stared at my body feeling so out of place.

That was the worst dysphoria that I've ever been attached to and emotionally felt. That always reassures me that I'm not just faking how I feel and how I identify. In a way that's kinda messed up, I have to feel like crap to know that I'm not fake.

There's really nothing I can do in the future to fix this either. I can't get surgery or take hormones. I'm just stuck in this loop. Always going from male to female to somewhere in between to both to neither.

This is why life is a joke. We keep on living but for what? For who? So, if you've read this far, find something to live for. I'm living for a dream. A dream of being in the military. What are you living for? Don't let life be a joke, play along with it and turn the joke so it's you that has the last laugh.

[pinkorblueyes]

Daily life of a gender fluid human.

[pinkorblueyes]

Hi! I'm doing this as a therapy blog thing because I have trouble with my emotions, feelings and stuff. If you don't like it, leave it. I couldn't care less. Love you humans, muwah.

[pinkorblueyes]

Traveling as Non-binary, feeling different

Personally, I hate packing. As a gender fluid human, I don't know how I'm going to feel when I wake up much less 5 days from now. So, when I pack my clothes for a trip I try to keep it as neutral as possible but as fellow fluid humans know, that doesn't always work.

Today I woke up with my dial closer to the male side then the female side. So normally I would spritz some of my treasured cologne and wear a sports bra because friends, I have tits but that does not mean I'm always female. Don't make that mistake.

I would also speak a little lower, man spread and hang with the boys. I can't do that right now and although my dysphoria is not diagnosed, it's very present. Kinda like my chest is tight and my skin is crawling. It's not a fun feeling.

Tomorrow may cause me to feel different so I've had to pack my makeup and wedge sneakers to pair with my all black, flannel Butch look. Then the tightness won't be as bad if I know I'm wearing makeup and wedges. Hell, if my gender switches halfway through today I'll have to put on eyeliner or something just to help with the tightness.

If I had my way, I would pack some supper fem clothes and some male clothes but only 5 outfits for 5 days, not 10. By the time I would be finished, the suitcase would weigh half of what I do and look like I'm taking all the clothes I own which tbh isn't exactly a false statement.

Now playing: Smile Back, Mac Miller

Life doesn't always go my way though. So, to help with this wonderful difference that I have been gifted with, I listen to how I feel, pack as non-binary as possible no matter how I'm feeling at the moment and bring accessories to trick my mind. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't. Life goes on whether I'm ready for it or not.

So, gender fluid problem number one out of many, packing for any amount of time.