pink poco-dots

Breast - Cancer - Warrior

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Because this man loves me 💕

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With every person that I told, it just got easier.

Kristy Pocograno

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Make it count!

It’s like that scene from Titanic, you know where Jack gets all fancy and eats with the first class passengers and makes a toast to making it count and then leaves Rose with the note that says “meet me at the clock tower.” Yes, it is just like that. A light bulb goes off just like it did for Rose and you just think those words, make - it - count! 

I have done many things in my short lived life here on Earth. I have been around the world and back a few times. Lived in another country where English was not the first language, made friends from around the world. Broken a few hearts, had mine broken also, made friends, lost friends, got a little silly a few nights, broken the law, the list could go on for what might seem like forever...but in reality I haven’t done that much but for what I have done I know this...

If you have that feeling, that itch as they call it to take a trip, dare I say, “Go!” Even if it means going along, just go! I have been fortunate enough to have a few friendships that I hold very close to my heart. A few have left me and forever a piece of them will stay with me as I think you learn and grow from every experience but I was lucky enough to have planned a girls Euro-trip in the midst of all this chaos. 

Off to France and Switzerland once I got the news. I literally was sat down with on Friday and I made damn sure it was known that I would be out of the country for 10 days. I mean I already was diagnosed with cancer, how much worse could it get. Okay that Southwest air flight didn’t help the week prior but on April 19th, I was flying over the Atlantic making my way down to Paris, walking fast and I’m homebound the following Sunday. (Vanessa Carleton voice, you need to understand, I’m fucking weird and that is OK!) If you keep reading my blog, I don’t think I will be able to hide my true psycho personality, but I’ll tell you a secret the best ones are! (pun intended) 

Anyway...I found out on Friday and left the following Thursday. And people think I don’t have good timing? LOL It’s all about perspective. But Let me go on. I had the most bittersweet vacation. Sweet because well it’s Paris, Geneva and Marseille with some of my best girlfriends from College followed by my friend whom I met through my High School French Exchange, my sister from another country. I mean what is not to love. But ah then there is the bitter part, the part where I have to tell them that I’m not the same person they saw 6 months prior walking down the aisle saying I do to the man of my dreams. Nope that wedding is dead and gone...(a little JT for yah) and here I am looking at them saying, I have something to tell you and no we aren’t pregnant. Each story was a tad different and each reaction different. 

What I can tell you was that my dear friend from Marseille who is like my sister was speechless and I think that really defined the entire experience for me. It was just speechless and if you know me, that is just not in my vocabulary but it was one of those things that just left you that way. You can’t say something to make it better, it is completely out of your control. Cancer takes control of your life and makes you start to feel that claustrophobia. I just choose to not let it get to me. It’s all about perspective. I can be straight up real with you about my situation and I can tell you how I personally feel. The alternative of not beating cancer is just not an option at this time. Sorry, not sorry! 

The bitter part of my trip did not outweigh the sweet part! I drank, a lot more than I should LOL and I stayed up super late and honestly just didn’t think for a week. It was the best time I’ve had in a long time. I love being with my hubby and going on vaca but there is always a piece you save just for the girls, of yourself. I am just lucky enough to have married a man that loves me to not care that I was a 6 hour flight away over open water LOL whose he kidding he can’t live without me and talked to me basically everyday I think except one. LOL (Picks a flower petal off and says, he loves me LOL) I was able to see Barcelona and Iceland for a few hours on my layover travels. 

Paris is always beautiful but I honestly prefer it at night! That is really when the magic comes alive, isn’t it? Then there was the Palace of Versailles, I know why everyone wanted to off with their heads! It looked like it should have been, King Midas’s house, seriously! Insane! Gold was just everywhere!!!! Everywhere, overkill honestly. LOL Hall of mirrors was lets just say disappointing like the Mona Lisa Smile. Okay I am being extremely rude but if you have traveled this is how we all talk. We are snobs at best. It seriously was not that impressing. The photos do it wonders. I mean don’t get me wrong it is really fucking grand but way over hyped if that makes any fucking sense. Trust me the Mona Lisa is tiny, super small and you turn around and look at the wall behind her and that shit is a straight up wall painting of the entire wall! it is incredible but we are all concerned with the drama of, is she smiling? This must have been some old school reality tv show, painting version. LOL  

Anyway, adhd moment. Got a tad bit excited about talking smack about the mona lisa. The Eiffel Tower is just magnificent. I love the architecture and everything about it, at night or in the day but climbing it is boring and I did not this trip. LOL The park outside of the Louvre is to die for. It is just amazing.You can see the ferris wheel, Louvre and Eiffel Tower. C’est parfait!!! Not only did I see all that amazing sight seeing, I ate at a few local places but best of all was helping my friend find her wedding dress fabric right outside of the Sacre Coeur Church!! Ahhh like amazing! Takes the cake on all moments seeing her say Yes to the fabric and knowing the beautiful bride she is going to make, just wow! Oh and I am in the wedding so something to look forward to!! Even better! 

Geneva was next up on my list and I was there for 20 hours. So much fun. My bestie that lives here can really get a girl moving, fast! I walked so much. Did a wicked (sorry I am from New England) awesome tour of the United Nations which I must say is 1,000x better than NYC. Seriously that place is a dive. (snob talk again) But the old village is amazing in Geneva. The rooftop bar we went to was killer and followed by the late night at the beach. So much to do and it’s great to be able to do it in one day if you have to plus it’s always the perfect trip when you get real Swiss fondu!!!! 

Lastly was Marseille, this part of my trip was more relax and just hang out with my “sister” and her daughter aka my niece from France. Her husband was away on business for most of my stay but we still had fun. Girls nights in drinking wine and just talking along with days at the park and going to walk by the beach and visit Cassis another near by Port. As she explained it is the better Marseille and then AIX was even better!! Loved this city as it is like a richer Marseille. Reminded me of West Hartford Center if that makes sense to some. Overall the trip was a success and I had so much fun. But I needed this trip more than anything. One to make myself come to an understanding and to tell people because with each person you tell it gets easier, I swear! 

I wasn’t even sure if I wanted to blog about this experience when I was on my trip. I am writing this all after and honestly it feels really good and I highly encourage it because pretty soon we are going to go through hell and that much needed self time was also part of the treatment. Like Jack said, you have to learn to make each day count! 

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Hey, am I wearing lipstick? I said, am I wearing lipstick? When I'm getting fucked I want to make sure my face looks pretty.

Blow, Johnny Depp

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Put on your lipstick!

Lou: “Babe, put on your lipstick!”

Me: “What, why?”

Lou: “You always said, when you’re getting fucked you want to make sure you look pretty!”

Me: “Oh yea, I do!” If you didn’t read my previous blog post on, “it wasn’t clearly nothing”, then you might be a little lost. Let me catch you up to speed, real quick! Previous blog post I found out I was diagnosed with aggressive Breast Cancer. The nightmare of living at Smilow Breast Cancer Center located at Yale New Haven Hospital has begun!

Okay, I should make light because everyone in that facility is more than amazing and they treat you so nice it’s unbelievable. I mean you just were told you have cancer, someone should be nice!

First they call you and tell you over the phone and at the same time they book your first appointment to go over your diagnosis and this includes both the oncologist and the surgeon. The feeling of omg this is real life has just started to sink in. I told myself I wouldn’t cry, nope not me. I will be fine...

I was less than fine...It was almost hilarious that is how fine I was however I sat down on the patient table waiting and the tears started to fall. This was in fact happening. I really am 27 and this really isn’t a fucking joke...although I didn’t hesitate to joke and ask if they really had the right sample...

I stopped crying in time to be sat down with the people I wanted there and they proceed to tell me what they found. Yes, it is cancer. There are 4 types of Breast Cancer, I never knew that before. One of them is a mutation in the genes that can be inherited. At first, we thought I had this gene, given the history on my Father’s Mother’s side. Fortunately, I do not have the BRACA1 OR BRACA2 genetic mutations. Sadly, there is no other reason for my cancer other than my shit is fucking fuckeddd!!! LOL at that please and thank you! I am trying to find the humor in all of this as silly as that sounds. But thankfully I don’t have BRACA which means I don’t have to be too concerned about ovarian cancer and I might be able to keep my right breast. That would just be....dare I just sing it, hallelujah! Angelina Jolie did preventative surgery as she was tested positive for BRACA by genetic testing. For those that do have BRACA Positive mutations in their cells, I feel for you. For a brief week I thought i was you. I was surprised when I wasn’t you and my thoughts are with all of you, always!  

I am currently waiting to find out what type I have, but I can rule out, BRACA and hormonal. It’s narrowed down to HER2+ and Triple Negative Breast Cancer. Both are shitty. HER2+ acts like BRACA without the genetically inherited gene, lucky right?! Where as triple negative is negative responding to the 3 receptors. It too is a tumor just growing. Both require at least 12 weeks of rigorous chemotherapy with one of them, I forget which, continuing treatment for at least up to a year.

With them explaining this to you and asking you every few minutes if you are okay. Honestly you are just sitting there listening to these technical terms and inside I am just sitting there thinking, “omg I just got married. OMG now I have cancer. Chemotherapy? What the fucking fuck, fuck! Holy shit, I didn’t honestly think I would have to worry about this, not right now at least. Okay, so is this marriage going to be annulled...?” And on and on the thoughts go over and over mixed with some understanding and various glances across the room.

The appointment continues on and it’s more brown out moments followed by people just going to second base but hey at least I got their names but it’s almost a me too moment in a different way. LOL

I didn’t ask for this, so I better get my lipstick! I want to make sure I look pretty when I’m getting fucked!

This saying comes from one of my favorite movies, Blow featuring Johnny Depp. No, it isn’t just about learning how to do drugs, sorry! It is actually about a guy who realizes his greed for money and doing drugs ruins the one relationship he could have had with his daughter. Overall, it is a movie to help you open your eyes and learn that, “life passes most people by while they are making grand plans for it.” I love that movie,  therefor the reference explained.

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It wasn’t nothing...

I woke up and thought it was a sore muscle or a pulled muscle whatever that feels like. I waited a few days and then I felt it...the lump on my left breast. It was as if I knew right away that it wasn’t just nothing. I asked my husband if what I felt was really there and he confirmed. I told him I would wait until Monday and that I did. 

When I called my regular Doctors office on Monday it was as if I was dying. The appointment was available at the end of the day and away I went. They to confirmed that it wasn’t nothing. Following week I was scheduled for an ultra-sound at Yale. It clearly wasn’t nothing...

The ultra-sound day came and really rocked my world. I could see not one but two clear on the screen. One in my breast and one in my arm pit. Two large golf balls plain as day on the screen. At first I thought must be cysts...but there are two what are the chances? Before I could think anymore, the Dr, butt in. “There are two masses there and they do not appear to be cyst like. We have a random cancellation in about an hour and would like for you to stay for a biopsy.” Oh the knife that went through my heart at that moment...it wasn’t nothing anymore. It was clearly something...

I asked to speak with my husband and then I was told that was perfectly fine. You see everyone talks to you in a different tone and it is quite pleasant and nice. I must say everyone was extremely nice. They asked if I really wanted to stay and do it and I informed that I would stay however I still needed to see my husband. You see we are newlyweds and this was not what we thought would ever happen in the first 6 months of being married. She understood and then informed if I was going to stay it should be for not 1 but 2 biopsies on both masses. I complied. 

Informing my husband that they found two masses made it that much more real that it wasn’t nothing anymore. That nothing turned into something that we now had to deal with together. It wasn’t just my decision the day I said, I Do, we became one and I needed to keep that in mind. 

I remember him looking at me and asking what I was going to do and my reply which might have been cold was, “I am here aren’t I? So clearly I am doing something. I agreed to the biopsies and will do whatever I have to do but within reason.” He looked at me, nodded and understood. 

The biopsy was interesting. Again, everyone is super nice to you. I mean you just flash about 6 people all at once. My Dr. was awesome. He listened to me and let me know the deep breathing was fine. I cracked jokes the entire time except for a few moments during my lymph node biopsy. Damn that hurts like hell and required more local numbing incisions. I made it through and my journey as a warrior began. 

3 days later the news came in, it was in fact breast cancer positive in both biopsies. It wasn’t nothing anymore... 

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I can’t exactly describe how I feel but it’s not quite right. And it leaves me cold.

F. Scott Fitzgerald (via sunsetquotes)