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[pissedofframblings]

Personal blog for me to shove my shit so I don't piss anyone off. Please don't interact with the posts. This is just for me to vent freely.

[pissedofframblings]

Now that I know there is no set BQ for the nation I'm related to, I think I want to try to dig up as much info as I can about my relative beforehand. I'd love to know what I can about her, why she changed her name, just her story in general. And now that I know for a fact that I am related to the C.herokee nation (band unknown), they don't have a set BQ unlike the nation I thought we were related to for years (Bla.ckfeet).

Either way, if it is possible, I'd love to be a dancer. Particularly for fancy shawl (💖) and jingle dress. And of course, expand my very limited knowledge on the language. Learn about the spirits- literally anything. I actually want to be a part of the culture, and not just stand by as shit happens. I want to make it stronger in the best ways possible.

I know I'm just kind of talking out of my ass here, but it's something I feel like I've had a deeper connection to since I was in about third grade. The kachina dolls that were my grandma E's, are no longer in the house due to my father taking them with him to Alabama. He is well within his right to do so, considering they belonged to his mom- but just seeing them go, and no longer here is a bit upsetting. My favorite was the eagle.

[pissedofframblings]

Guess I found out one of my triggers. But I guess that was supposed to be easily noticeable before today, but here we are.

Treating me like I'm stupid is infuriating, especially when it comes from a stranger.

I feel sick from thinking about it.

[elysian-noctuary]

I think this is something I should bring up to my therapist considering things. I started to help my mom make calls to figure out wtf is happening with "Se.rvice F.inance."

The woman I spoke to that answered for the billing stuff, immediately began to be condescending to me. "Oh, so every month, you receive a bill! And that bill will be in a white envelope! In the top left corner of the envelope, you'll see the company, and PO box address. You will also see that the company logo, "Se.rvice Fi.nance company, LLC," with a green triangle in the corner."

I was trying my best to not lose my shit, but considering she wanted to speak to me as if I was a two-year-old is incredibly unacceptable for a "customer service associate."

I started helping around 2-2:30 PM today, and couldn't stop thinking about it until basically 11:32 PM. Even if this situation has NOTHING to do with me- I was still beyond pissed with how Ms. "King" decided to come at me.

I'm going to be doing as much as I can to figure out what is happening, cause I know for certain it is a scam. They had nothing but 1 star reviews, directly from the BBB.

[pissedofframblings]

Guess I found out one of my triggers. But I guess that was supposed to be easily noticeable before today, but here we are.

Treating me like I'm stupid is infuriating, especially when it comes from a stranger.

I feel sick from thinking about it.

[seaphine]

[pissedofframblings]

I finally kicked my ass enough to make an apology to Baz. I really do hope he understands where I'm coming from since he said he went through the same thing.

But knowing him... I really don't know what to think. It could be anything from silence, or lashing out at me and telling me to go kms.

Either way, I did it. And now it's just waiting time. I know I'll be okay if he accepts it or not. It's his prerogative to accept or deny my apology.

[pissedofframblings]

I'm so sick of being jacked around by this damn company. I applied for a supervisor position sometime LAST YEAR, and the manager at the other location said he liked me, and that I'd be good to go once December passed. It's now April. I've asked for MONTHS about this additional training I needed for the role, MY manager told me there was none...

Moths gone by, so I gave up on that position. Noticed the same position open here, I was going to apply, but the notice was removed and given to someone else immediately. Which... Okay. Then I saw the Sephora beauty advisor lead app on the white board. Put in my application, and it was ignored all together, and that position was given to a newer girl who has everyone do her job for her... I'm so fucking done with this place.

Once I found out that the Sephora lead was given to the new girl who didn't know how to work a zebra, and asked for help to find products in the store... That she should already know about, right? Considering she was given the position? Yeah... Okay. Once I realized that, I got mad and started cycling everything through my head. And then I started crying out of frustration.

I understand that it seemed like I was unable to hold a position such as those, considering how poor my mental health was before I got back on my medication. After I had adjusted to what I have currently (hydrox., sertraline, and trazadone), I have been able to function way better at work. So in a way, I do feel like this has been some sort of (mental health) discrimination.

[shymagnolia]

so I got into grad school today with my shitty 2.8 gpa and the moral of the story is reblog those good luck posts for the love of god

[shymagnolia]

okay so i just got my dream job??? a week after applying to it?? and now i’m thinking….maybe this is the good luck post

[flagellant]

…..not even six hours later i got an offer of a well paying full time long-term job with free room and board in queens in nyc, allowing me independence and a way to escape an abusive situation and an unhealthy environment

likes charge reblogs cast, folks, this is the good luck post

[coffee-or-hot-cocoa]

i need all the help i can get for finals

[finnglas]

Hey so

the last time I reblogged this post right before I got a great job, in a permanent work-from-home position, with benefits, retirement, and a salary literally 3x what I was making before, doing something I really like. 

So you know. 

This might be the real one, y’all.

[azaraspirit]

what the hell? i could use some luck *hits reblog*

[i-love-you-beautiful]

You know what I could use some luck

[pissedofframblings]

Looking over the notes for my last therapy session, I noticed something that was interesting. When I first mentioned that I think I might have either bipolar or BPD, it felt as if she dismissed the idea right away. It did kind of make me feel bad for jumping the gun, but whatever. Here we are now with her notes saying something about suspicions of a mood disorder.

Suck an egg, H. (💖)

[pissedofframblings]

I was today years old when I found out that sertraline can have a side effect of decreasing appetite. Well... I feel like that explains a lot. Though, it makes me think back to the time when mom had made some comments about me and my weight with my medication.

I remember her telling me that she thinks I shouldn't get back onto my current medication because "it made me gain weight." 😒

Just call me fat and call it there like damn

[pissedofframblings]

I think I might have had my first panic attack last night in years. Or something else entirely.

I was laying in bed, and suddenly my chest felt heavy and couldn't quite catch my breath. Like the air was thick. My heart rate wasn't elevated, which makes me think it wasn't really a panic attack. Maybe an asthma attack? Idk something felt off.

As I'm writing this, I'm down stairs with my grandma to spend some time with her. And today, they just so happened to put a heart monitor on her. Very odd coincidence. Is something coming up that I don't remember? An important anniversary, like, Billy's passing? I know it isn't papa's anniversary, his is in December.

[pissedofframblings]

Well, that was stupid and impulsive. Though, the sentiment remains. Me, texting my mom "would you be happier if I never came back or killed myself?" was dumb as hell. But... It's still true.

It should have been posted here and not sent at all. I don't want to live like this anymore, that much is true. But I can't leave and I know it. I can't leave the cats behind. Not again. They mean the world to me I can't abandon them again. They're really all I have left. I can't do it again.

And as for killing myself? As much as I really want to- I know I can't do that either. I want to be able to prove to the people who thought this of me, win. I have to do better than the people who hurt me. And I think the best way to do that, is to LIVE my best life. That is the ultimate victory to me. But also, I'm just a fucking coward, and I'm too scared to actually attempt anything.

Trying to help my mom at times really does seem pointless.

Idk it's all so confusing to me still. This all blew up because of my chosen name...

[pissedofframblings]

Idk if I'm being brave and proactive, or impulsive and stupid. After last night, I decided to go into work early to ask for help. I know there are resources at work for this type of situation, which is why I thought it best to come and ask.

I'm just so sick of being abused by the people who say they care, and then turn around to threaten me with a knife because of my chosen name on my own package.

I understand that her reaction was out of reactive abuse, but that is still no excuse to be continuing to live like this. I legitimately want to get better, and being trapped where I'm at now is a hindrance to my goal to... just live peacefully. I really don't understand why it's so hard for me to be treated like a normal person just like everyone else.

[pissedofframblings]

Of course the cops said there was nothing they could do. The threat wasn't "big" enough to really do much beyond tell me to move out. Which... fucking figured. I understand there are protocols they have to follow, but that's the first time someone, let alone my own mother, threatened me with a knife. Across the kitchen, but still considered assault, nonetheless. Learned that one today from Brandy.

[pissedofframblings]

Idk if I'm being brave and proactive, or impulsive and stupid. After last night, I decided to go into work early to ask for help. I know there are resources at work for this type of situation, which is why I thought it best to come and ask.

I'm just so sick of being abused by the people who say they care, and then turn around to threaten me with a knife because of my chosen name on my own package.

I understand that her reaction was out of reactive abuse, but that is still no excuse to be continuing to live like this. I legitimately want to get better, and being trapped where I'm at now is a hindrance to my goal to... just live peacefully. I really don't understand why it's so hard for me to be treated like a normal person just like everyone else.

[pissedofframblings]

The quick shift between anger and generally being upset is wild. I'm mad because I feel like my privacy has been completely removed; all because I forgot that Depop had my chosen name.

Deciding to put (NAME) instead of (LEGAL NAME) was a mistake I guess. But... there's still no excuse to open someone else's mail- no matter how you try to spin it.

All because I used my chosen name, I get screamed at, claiming I'm just like my dad and I'm hiding something.

ALL. BECAUSE. I. CHOSE. TO. USE. MY. OWN. CHOSEN. NAME.

"Why didn't you just tell me you were getting a package?????"

"Why did you open something that didn't have your name on it???????"

1) that's illegal. 2) claims I told her she could open it when I didn't, so uses that as an excuse. 3) still didn't have her fucking name on it. No excuses.

> then proceeds to scream at me about how I'm just like my dad and that I'm hiding something.

So uh... Guess I can't buy anything with my chosen name on it unless I want to get screamed at and *gestures aggressively at me with a kitchen knife*

[pissedofframblings]

Apparently it's okay for my mom to open mail that doesn't have her name on it

I forgot that I had my chosen name on depop and got a package! Only for her to open it without my permission. I would have been okay with that... If she asked. And she didn't.

She claimed to have made a mistake, but then let it slip that she thinks I'm "hiding" things just like my dad. I have literally nothing to hide. That I feel was like absolute projection on her part.

But I guess that means I get to be screamed at for accidentally using my chosen name ☺️