I was going to post this last night to ensure he didn’t play today. But I was up all night writing. I also wanted to see if Kevin would let him play the Nashville date. And if he did, I was for sure posting this. I spoke to Kevin on the phone and told him I didn’t feel it was a wise decision and told him why. Kevin told me that only if he stuck to his treatment plan would he be able to play the “surprise show”. He didn’t stick to his treatment and he was aware. I don’t feel that he is better yet. So here we go.
I have a lot to say. And I don’t know where to begin. I just know that I need it out. I’ve been keeping it in for so long it’s eating at me. I’ve turned my head for too long. It’s not only mentally damaging me but physically. I’ve lost almost 8 pounds, I’m broken out constantly and my hair falls out. I’ve struggled with Generalized Anxiety Disorder but up until this situation I’ve had it under control. Now I find it a chore to keep myself from having a panic attack. And it’s exhausting. It takes a lot out of you. There’s just so much going on in my head because of this. And I don’t want anyone else to have to endure what I have. That is my sole purpose for writing this. I want to emphasize that. Because I’m anticipating criticism and I just want people to know this is for the right reasons. Reluctantly, I’ll be sharing intimate details without trying to get too detailed so you understand my perspective fully. I would like you to reflect after reading this before you post hateful comments, and I’m asking to please refrain from doing so. I’ve gone through enough.
Initially I was going to make a video explaining everything because I wanted everyone to hear what I have to say directly from me and it would be easier to watch a video than read this novel I’m about to write. I attempted to make the video and was unable to. It was too difficult to emotionally. Although I have a hard time conveying my thoughts through writing, I’m going to try my best. There’s going to be more to the story, I’m trying to make it as brief as possible but at the same time put everything out in the open because I feel that people should know the truth. My truth.
I guess I’ll start by telling you how we met. Jake was on his second ever tour with Never Shout Never and made his way to Springfield, Missouri. This was December 12th, 2013. I took a friend of mine Jordan to the show and the roads were really icy on the way to pick her up so we were late. As a result I missed Jake’s set. Prior to this I had not heard of him or his project Front Porch Step. We watched Me Like Bees play their set. I really dug their music and didn’t realize that they were from Joplin a neighboring city so after the set I went to buy their cd. I was looking around the merch table and I mistakenly bought Jakes cd. He was across the room and approached me to thank me. We talked for a moment, he was extremely polite. He told me that he would be playing a show in St. Louis in February and asked for me to come. On the way home I listened to his cd. I looked him up on Facebook the following day and thanked him for being so polite. I was taken back about how genuinely nice he seemed. He messaged me sometime after the February show and asked me if I had made it out to the show. I told him I had to work and wasn’t able to unfortunately. He said “If I would have seen this message earlier, I would have guest listed you and taken you out to dinner”. I told him that I wish he would have that he seemed like a really sweet guy and we could have gotten to know each other. But I followed it up with telling him that I had a boyfriend at the time and just had to give him the heads up beforehand out of respect for him. I had spoken to my boyfriend at the time and he was okay with me having lunch with him. Jake seemed upset by that and stopped talking to me for a little while.
He would occasionally ‘like’ and comment on Facebook posts of mine. I had broken up with my boyfriend because I felt myself developing feelings towards Jake. I messaged him, told him we’d start over, that I just got out of a bad relationship, and I’d love to take him up on his dinner offer. He said something about how he saw my status about offering to be a DD for friends on St. Patrick’s Day and was going to call me and apologize. He and I started talking from there. We exchanged numbers. He quickly began to be inappropriate with me. I could see what he was doing but I didn’t mind because I liked him. I saw something special in him. And I assumed that he wasn’t like this with everyone else. I didn’t care that he was a musician. I have lots of musician friends. I just really liked how funny and sweet he was. I have every message we’ve ever sent each other through Facebook and text. I saved everything. There were a few red flags that I didn’t pick up on. In the beginning he asked me for pictures. I didn’t realize and asked him if he meant nude pictures. He said yeah but never mind I didn’t have to send them if I didn’t feel comfortable. I told him that I was modest and didn’t do that sort of thing. That you had to earn it (not that there’s anything wrong with it if you’re of age, just not my thing). He had called me several times and we talked. One of the first few phone calls was him trying to have phone sex with me. I had never done that so I just listened. I remember my roommate/best friend Mikey coming out onto the balcony after the phone call and saw me smiling. He read me like a book and asked if it was a boy. He told me that it was his big brother instinct to tell me to be careful, watch my back, and don’t become another notch on his bedpost. I texted him after that conversation and told him I had something for him. He called me immediately and told me that my comfortability meant more to him than receiving a picture. He said not to send it and to remember that I owed no man nothing. He said these sort of things but he frequently contradicted his words. Later we were talking about meeting up at warped tour and he mentioned how he wanted to kiss me but didn’t want to hurt me. I told him that I’m grown, I could handle it. And he said something along the lines of that’s all I could handle. And proceeded to talk about how big he was. He said he’d show me if I promised not to tell anyone. I told him it was fine if he didn’t want to send it. But he sent it to my phone anyway. The same picture of him sitting on the toilet that he sent everyone else. After I had sent him two modest pictures of myself that didn’t reveal anything but were suggestive. I wouldn’t send him anything else and that’s when he lost interest. We stopped talking until May. In the midst of all this, we had many conversations about other things. But he was a very sexual person in general. I assumed that was just how he was and didn’t think much of it.
I asked him weeks before warped tour if he wanted to meet up. I brought a car full of friends with me and asked if he wanted to grab breakfast and go to the St. Louis arch with us. He immediately called me and asked for my information so he could guest list me. We talked nonstop. July 2nd rolled around and my friends and I split a hotel. He asked if he could come over early so he could shower. Being on tour, nice showers are a rare commodity so I obliged. I went in early and picked up Jake, introduced him to my friends and dropped them off so they could wait in line. As soon as Jake got in the front seat and my friends were gone, he leaned over and kissed me. And it was the sweetest thing. We undeniably had chemistry. Being that I a few years prior to this got out of a four year abusive relationship, I hadn’t felt something for anyone in a long time. I had sworn off dating for a good period of time. I had dated but always felt very numb. But with Jake it was different. And so I clung on to that. And I made an exception for him. Jake and I spent time talking and laying down with each other. I told him prior when we were talking that I didn’t want to sleep with him just yet. He said that was fine. He insisted that he would just go down on me and I didn’t have to do anything for him. Which is something come to find out, he told several others. I told him no still. When we were laying down he would kiss my stomach and tell me really sweet things. About how he wishes we could be together and he hated that we lived so far away. He talked about how perfect I was. I sat on his lap and we kissed for a while. I wouldn’t say he pressured me, I can very much make my own decisions and am in control of myself but he was very convincing and eventually persuaded me to have sex. We took a shower together afterwards and picked up lunch and made it in time for his set. I remember him introducing me to everyone almost showing me off but was very reluctant to show affection in front of people. Which I felt was off-putting. I took off for a little while to meet up with my friends and spend some time with them. Later on he called me and asked me to come get him. So I waited in the back of his bus while he and Kristen his merch girl counted up the money for the day. Then we took off to Walmart because he wanted to get away. Apparently he had some conflict with some people on his bus (because an ex-girlfriend of his in California had lied and said Jake hit her. So everyone had beef with him. But I guess there was witnesses that were there and nothing had happened and she was lying. I’m not sure. Looking back that was a sketchy situation.) But I digress. We went to Walmart, picked up some movies among other things. And then went to Applebee’s for dinner. He then took me to the warped Barbeque, we mingled for a little while but I’m not much for crowds so we went back to his bus. We were in the back and he eventually asked me to be sexual, I told him no and we cuddled and watched The Office instead. It was almost time for bus call so he gave me a piggy back ride to my car and kissed me before I took off.
We then started dating. Talking on the phone constantly. Three days after we were “official” (whatever the hell that means) he guest listed this girl Aiden. He told me about it, said she was just a friend and a fan of his music so I was cool with it. I’m not a jealous person. I didn’t mind him being swarmed with fans and everyone hugging him. I’m very secure in myself and I knew what I was signing up for dating someone in the industry. Or I thought I did anyway. He texted me the next morning and told me he had fucked up. He called me and fed me some bogus story about how “it was raining so I brought her on the back of my bus and SHE kissed me but it was ONLY for a couple seconds and I pushed her off and told her I was with you.” Yada yada yada. He seemed sincere about feeling bad and was crying. I immediately started bawling my eyes out and curled into a ball upon hearing him tell me what happened. I told him I needed the day to myself. I had to pull myself together to go to a meeting and he kept trying to call. I called him back when I got home to finally talk about it and he was angry and short and said “I told you now stop trying to make me feel bad for it”. And it was swept under the rug. There was no reasoning with him. I made him promise that it would never happen again. I asked two things of him, to be honest with me and be faithful. That’s all I require. I don’t ask for much. But those two things are very important to me. He swore that he would.
I saw him again July 30th Bonner Springs, KS date. If I wasn’t head over heels for him then, oh god was I now. I brought my friend Kyle up with me. Kyle bought a hotel and Jake and I split one for me (because we weren’t allowed to share a hotel). I dropped off Kyle so he could meet up with my other friends that were there seeing Fit For a King, a local band out of my city. Jake came to the hotel and we slept together again. Except we were closer. We both got all dressed up to spend the day together, he had bought a nice button down specifically for me. I bought him the remaining seasons of The Office our favorite show that he didn’t have as a gift. I watched his set but this time I was sitting side stage and he made it a point to tell everyone that he was dressed up for me, that I was the only girl he gave a shit about, and pointed me out. Being in the spot light made me uncomfortable. I didn’t like everyone looking over at me. But it made me happy to be with him and that he was proud of being with me. After we walked around, relaxed on his bus for a bit then he drove my car to Cheeseburgers and Paradise for dinner with Alan Day and I and they talked business. We went back to the hotel room after and spent most of our time there hanging out and talking. He almost didn’t make the midnight bus call on the way back dropping him off. He kissed me goodbye and was walking to the bus turned around and told me he loved me. I was kind of in shock that he said it and even though I foolishly felt that way, I pretended that I didn’t hear him and didn’t say it back. We later declared it to each other over the phone. Him and I became really close, really fast. We had a lot of chemistry together and it just felt right at the time. Even though we knew each other 8 months prior to us getting serious, obviously looking back I would have paced myself and been more cautious.
I flew out to visit him for five days in Ohio. I met all of his family and they adored me. They were so incredibly welcoming and I felt at home. He took me to all of his favorite places around town. After I left things progressed even more (This is all over a span of time, I’m trying to be brief). We planned for me to move to Ohio with him. His mom and I spoke on the phone regularly. We were best friends and almost as close as Jake and I were. She said she loved me like flesh and blood and wanted me to be a part of the family. I remember her even telling me not to get eloped, that if him and I were to get married, she wanted “it done right and me to wear a pretty dress”. Which I felt was a little premature. But I thought it was sweet she liked me so much. He had talked to her about wanting to marry me. Things moved really fast. I was one semester away from having my degree. I stayed enrolled in my online college course, quit my job said goodbye to my friends and packed up my things. I lived on my own and moved frequently so it wasn’t a huge ordeal relocating. In September he flew from Columbus and I picked him up at the airport to help me make the drive to Ohio. He surprised me with a Pandora bracelet. We spend a couple days in Springfield. He helped out my step dad who I had staying with me in my house for a couple weeks at the time because he was homeless. I was trying to help him get on his feet. I bought him a bike and helped him get on a waiting list for housing for veterans. Jake bought him a winter coat, socks, gift cards for food, some other things, and paid for him to stay temporarily for a week in a shelter so that I would feel more comfortable leaving him knowing he was safe. This was a really sweet gesture (my dad later paid him back).
It was times like this that I focused on when things went bad. Convincing myself that there was good and I held onto that. Hoping and praying that it would be worth it because he would change. Not to discount the good. I think that deep down there is a good person in him. And we made a lot of wonderful memories. I really did love him. But the bad in our relationship deeply outweighed the good. It took me a long time to realize this. We knew each other for two years, dated for almost a year and had lived together for 3 months all together. When things were good, they were incredible. But when they were bad, they were really really awful.
Jake had odd behavior that made me feel like something was off. He was extremely jealous for no reason, as I never once cheated on him. He pushed away a lot of my friends. It intimidated him that I had a lot of male friends and he would fight with them until they stopped talking to me or find a reason why I shouldn’t be friends with them. He was extremely controlling and often made my decisions for me. He wouldn’t even let me drive my own car and insisted on him driving. Silly things like that. It was gradual at first. Anyone that knows him or has met him knows how charismatic he is. He does a good job at hiding things. I got sucked in and then it was too late, I was in too deep. It became normal. I went from being extremely free spirited and bent on independence to feeling like I was not my own and more someone else’s. My self-worth that I had worked so hard to build diminished significantly. Friends of mine noticed and expressed their concern. But I always stuck to my guns and defended him and our relationship. He would build me up and break me down constantly, it was a vicious cycle. He would go through my Facebook behind my back and once took my phone out of my hands and went through it. I told him it was fine because I had nothing to hide and jokingly grabbed his phone. He freaked out, we got in a huge fight over it. Even after me leaving my job and my own house, sacrificing all that to be with him, he would constantly make me feel as if he was doing me a favor by letting me live with him. He would also use his family (since we were really close) as leverage when we weren’t getting along. Once while he was on tour, I was babysitting his niece and nephew and he was arguing with me about something petty and and he literally made his sister come home from a ball-game 20 minutes away because he didn’t want me being around his niece and nephew because he was mad at me. He would “ban” me from talking to his mom intermittently and she would have to talk to me behind his back. She was use to his controlling behavior as well.
It was hard being away from him while he was on tour so during the last 6 dates of the Pure Noise Records tour, I tagged along. When him and I were together alone, we rarely fought. But when we did they were bad and usually about something he would be mad at that in normal healthy relationships, wouldn’t matter. Something seemed very off about his demeanor when were in public together. Often times he would speak for me. He very much liked to be the center of attention and I felt like I didn’t have much of a voice and was drowned out by his.
November 17th I acted on my bad feeling. I charged his old phone and snooped. I found a picture of him bending Aiden over in the mirror in the back of the tour bus with her ass out. I called him, asked him if everything he told me was the truth and if there was anything else he needed to tell me. I gave him the opportunity. He insisted that he was honest. And I said okay, hung up, and then sent him the picture. He called and was panicking, stuttering and trying to formulate a story to explain things. I asked him if that was the only thing and he swore that was all. His texts, all of his apps had a vault lock on them.
Jake told me that he was almost relieved that I found out but then fought with me about me having his phone (who his lawyers currently have). He said that he was letting me live in his house and I have no right to go through his things. That doing that was just as wrong as what he did. He told his mom to come get his phone from me. Never have I once had problems with his mom up until this point but when she came upstairs I told her “no disrespect but I’m not giving you this phone”. I know he was scared I would find out more.
I hacked into it and broke the vault lock. First the texts. I took screenshots of a lot of it. He had spoken to Aiden and had received naked pictures of her up until September. He was talking about how she should have let him go down on her and could have taken away all of her nerves. Talking about how her and her friend wouldn’t give him head, etc. One of the girls who would constantly like everything of his on his Facebook, literally everything including our relationship posts, whom he had insisted was just a fan of his music. Her name was mandi, she’s one of the girls that spoke to Angela and wrote an anonymous story (I’m using a first name basis for her because she chose to post on anon) was actually texting him three months into our relationship pictures of her bent over, and worst of all pictures of some guys cum on her face. There were many girls he talked to and had received pictures from. The people he spoke to ranged from age 16-36. He didn’t force anyone to, these girls were actively participating. But he was very cunning. What he did was wrong. I was wronged. They were wronged. I also found out about various other lies. One of his “friends” who he had guest listed to a bayside show a week prior, had actually gave him head in the past. They talk about how he pressured her into it. I found a lot in his Facebook messages. One girl that had messaged him “I miss you” while we were lying in bed together that he replied “I know you mean as a friend, I just don’t want my girlfriend to read this and think otherwise” (that made me think something was fishy) if you scroll up they had a past texting each other and she was also 16-17. Handfuls of girls that he had specifically told me he was friends with or that they were just fans, he had talked to or was currently talking to. There was another conversation of him talking to a girl Casey from Boston (who had recently made a short Tumblr post) they had talked via the internet, made plans to meet up, fought, stopped talking. She had stated she was 16. He had met up with his stripper ex-girlfriend for the first time officially in Denver and her friend for dinner. There was just so much. I had a hard time wrapping my head around all of it. I never saw anything about him physically doing anything with underage girls, it was all digital. But he did make plans to. I wouldn’t out it past him to act out those plans if the circumstances were right. I was overwhelmed by how much deception I saw before me. This is just the tip of the ice burg as far as betrayal regarding our relationship. In total as of right now, I have a list of about 19 girls he cheated on me with. And that’s just what I know of. I can’t even imagine what else there is. He wasn’t even able to keep track of them all or even remember the last girl he talked to when I asked him. He insisted that all these girls were just fantasy and they didn’t mean anything and that they couldn’t hold a flame to me.
Then there was his internet history. In it he had searched escort websites in Denver last day of warped tour August 8th. And I checked the number and he had called them. I later called him about this to get an explanation and he said that he and his friends had watched an escort documentary and he was curious how easy it was to get one. He convinced me and I gave him the benefit of the doubt. (I REALLY kick myself in the teeth for letting this one go.)
At first he was apologetic because he knew that he had got caught. I abruptly in my anger and confusion wrongly made a post on the DPPG on Facebook and told people that he had cheated on me with Aiden. I took it down five minutes later but not before it got 80+ likes and hundreds of comments. I posted the picture of him bending Aiden over and gave out her url to Instagram and told people to do with the information whatever they wanted. At this time I did not care. But I do recognize that that was wrong of me. And I have since apologized to Aiden. I called her and she explained what really happened. That he had lied to her about me, saying that I was okay with them and he was trying to get me to have a threesome with her (she’s the 3rd girl that’s told me the same thing). He had asked me in the beginning of our relationship generally if that would be something I would ever do and I told him that it’s not something I’m comfortable with. That I’m respectful of the person I’m with and have no desire to be with anyone else. That I loved him and didn’t want to share him or myself. And truthfully that I’d be jealous and it would piss me off. He brought it up a couple times but after my answer not budging, he dropped it. Or so I had thought. Aiden was mad that she had been lied to and I was mad that I had been lied to about her. Her and I hashed things out and decided that he was more at fault.
After the DPPG post Jake no longer took any responsibility for anything he did. It was the first time I actually did something wrong towards him. Anytime anything was brought up it was followed up by “but you did this and it was just as shitty” “you tried to ruin my career” and so on and so forth. Jake was panicking. I got a call from Joel Madden, who he was writing with in California at the time, he sat on the phone with me for 30 minutes giving me dad advice and coaxing me while I was bawling. I would like to note that he never condoned anything Jake did. He told me that the internet is toxic and to stay off of it until things calmed down.
Jake kept telling me over and over “wait until I get home, we’ll talk things out”. I didn’t want to. I wanted to leave then. Because I knew he would come home and use my emotions against me. Seeing him would make it harder to leave. But being that I didn’t have much of a choice or any options considering that I was in a state completely alone. The only people I knew were his friends, his family, and him, so I stayed. For a week I stayed up in his room alone. I hardly ate, I broke down constantly, and I slept 14-16 hours at a time. My schedule was completely off, I wouldn’t go to bed until 6-8am. He came home and the first thing he did was pull up a chair while I was lying on the bed crying. And drilled me for a couple hours about how I posted on the DPPG. Not once did we get the opportunity to talk about what he did. Because I had done wrong. So I was at fault. I was very distant but eventually he became really loving and cuddled me while we were sleeping, hugged me, and held me while I was crying. He would tell me he was sorry but didn’t really seem genuine. I gave in. I was very stern and told him that I would give him one more shot (I know, I know) if he promised he would come clean and be truthful and faithful from here on out. He obliged. But he wasn’t very sensitive to the pain I was going through and wanted me to “get over it” and “stop bringing it up and making him feel bad” so we fought. I left the house with him and tried to go hang out with his friends. We hung around the tattoo shop then went to his friends and played Mario kart and Pool. Things were starting to seem back to normal. (I’m trying to remember details the best I can and recall events in order. I know some may seem irrelevant.)
I remember that sometime shortly after, that it came up where for the first time he openly admitted something he did before I found out for myself. Weeks before he met this 30 something year old Tracy in Oklahoma on the Pure Noise Tour they started following each other on Twitter. While this whole situation was going on about me finding out he cheated, he got her number and she sent him a picture of her boobs. He told me and I could feel the blood in my veins boil. I tried to run out of the room to get in my car and drive to calm myself. He wouldn’t let me leave. He stood in front of the door and restrained me. I kept begging and begging him to let me leave. I was hysterically sobbing and just started wailing on him repeatedly on the chest. Not with force I’m going to add and I had never before or after that hit him. But he just stood there and took and said he deserved it. He wrapped himself around me until I calmed down. I went back to bed and later texted my grandparents in Arizona who had not been in my life for years if I could move in if I ever needed to. And I asked when. My grandma said yesterday would be fine. I told him I was going to leave. He begged and begged me to stay. He would get hysterical and once in the bathroom he terrified me. He stood in the mirror and then looked at me deranged and screamed that he was ugly and that no one would be with him. The look that was in his eyes haunts me. He would get really weird while we were lying in bed and told me in a baby voice “I know you’re going to stay. Please stay. You love me. Stay” And kept going on. I remember he had gone out with guy friends of his to the casino and didn’t come home until 4am. I was confused. My head and my heart were at war. I loved and cared very much about this person but I also knew that this was bad for me. I couldn’t think rationally. I didn’t know if I was going to leave him so we decided we needed time apart. That we would still be together but I would take a semester away from him to focus on school. Because during this whole event was conveniently when I had my final. I had a 98% in my class but was unable to complete the public speaking final because you had to do a proctored speech in front of five people and the only people I knew were Jakes family and I could stand in front of a recorded camera and them, the family of the person that just cheated on me and do well. So I dropped the class. Had I stayed enrolled I would have graduated with my Associates degree. That’s one of the biggest things I regret out of this situation. I’m now a year behind because I have to wait 6 months before I get in state tuition in Arizona.
Anyway, shortly after Thanksgiving rolled around. He and I were both invited to a “friendsgiving” and a thanksgiving with his family, but he went without me. He had dinner at his sister Leslies down the road. I wasn’t allowed to come by his own law so I spent Thanksgiving alone locked rotting in his room. And he brought me left overs. He said I would have been able to come if I stayed and continued being his girlfriend. I told him that it was unfair to use a holiday and his family against me as leverage and he should have put everything aside so I didn’t have to spend Thanksgiving by myself. He knew it meant a lot to me because I have been on my own since I was about 14 and never had big family holidays. Before I left home, my mom couldn’t afford it. But whatever. What’s another shitty holiday under my belt? Little did I know that he was calling Abby (first name basis because she posted an anonymous story), one of the 16 year old girls, on Thanksgiving and also trying to text Angela and god knows who else. Everything became too unbearable.
On November 30th I left. I packed what I could fit in my car. I left a lot of my house stuff including my $1,200 pillow top mattress. I thought it was a fair exchange for him to pay me for it and he could keep it. That way I could afford to drive to Arizona. I hadn’t made enough at my job I just started at the animal shelter. I got the battery replaced in my car and an oil change and I drove away. We both cried when we were saying goodbye and he was extremely sweet and kissed and held me for a while. He told me that if I ever needed anything that he would always be there and that he loved me. He used part of the money to buy me a hotel in Indiana (halfway from OH to MO) and mace. I drove six hours to the hotel. And finished the drive the next day. I spent a few days in Missouri saying goodbye to my friends crashed on their couches and went to the Foxing show. The venue where I first met Jake. I was extremely distraught and confused. Him and I texted and called each other every day. My grandpa flew out and met me in KS where he helped me make the drive across the country because I knew it would be too dangerous to do it alone. I was very vague with my grandparents about the situation and still am. I hardly understand it myself I don’t expect anyone else to. And I didn’t want them to be disappointed in me and to think that I was like my mom staying in abusive relationships. They didn’t know about me living in Ohio. So I grieved alone. And here I was again, in a state completely alone having to start over once again. The life I had built from myself had been ripped from under me. Still Jake and I talked every day, constantly. We were talking and trying to work things out. I very much wanted to move back. As crazy as this sounds despite what he did, I missed him. I had poured my soul into this person. We fought over the phone almost on a daily basis. He was really controlling over me more so than when we were together. Asking if I met guys or got guys numbers or hung out with guys. The only social even I went to was The Acacia Strain show because my friend Tasia’s (the only girl I knew in AZ) boyfriend’s band was opening up and guys I knew from FFAK were playing. Virtually the same night he went to a Turnstile show. Which he later told me that he got the number of a girl he use to talk to and proceeded to text and make plans to “cuddle”. But apparently he didn’t meet up with her and told her they had to stop talking because he loved me and blah blah blah. I was dumbfounded and frustrated that I had made all this effort to stay and work things out and he wasn’t changing. He was repeating the same mistakes over and over again. And I felt like my forgiveness had been taken advantage of.
Then this whole internet thing blew up. Where people starting to come out with stories. And I knew what was true and wasn’t. I could pick apart the stories based on what they said lined up. And I also saw the texts in his old phone of the conversations. I knew that some of these girls were being honest like Fran. Whom I’ve spoken with and the only thing I disagree with is that she antagonized the really cruel jokes and posts about people wanting him to die, etc. It became an internet trend to make fun of him and turn him into a meme basically. Angela and I however had some disagreements. Not only did she post a picture of me that she took of my personal Facebook. But I knew who she was. She had in early August somehow found my Instagram somehow, commented and liked just about every Jake related post. I had asked Jake about her because I saw the video of him singing her happy birthday. He said she was just a fan and that it was weird that she found me and that I should keep my social media private. Her story was not exactly what I saw in the texts. She was actively participating in the conversations and most certainly did not seem uncomfortable and in a lot of the cases initiating them. I never saw Jake pressuring her to send him pictures. And her mom even wanted them to date. Not that Jake isn’t in the wrong. It was just twisted to look worse than what it was (NOTE: I am not devaluing or minimizing anything, I just would like to shed clarity on what I saw). In Frans story she explains that she knew what she was doing and that she sought him out. I was upset that Angela name dropped and dragged me into the situation so I defended myself and called her out for the parts that I disagreed with.
As far as the graphic picture that was posted of him goes, it was said that it was sent to a “13 year old girl” but was actually posted by an of age girl named Maddison Shaw who was a friend of the girl Abby whom Jake use to talk to. Abby shared that picture of Jake to her friends because she was mad about the things that were being said about him on the internet. I also knew Abby because she would constantly call him. He said she was a girl at a show who was going through problems and so he gave his number to her if she needed someone to talk to. But then she took it overboard and several of the times I was beside him when she would call or text him about her family situation or whatever else was going on. He told her to reach out to a counselor or a teacher, someone that could actually help and she refused to and just kept calling. Right before the internet situation happened, she had called him crying because I guess she did coke and ended up blowing a couple of 30 year olds at a party. She posted a picture of her with her license with “#ageofconsent” and talked about wanting to be with older men. It was things like this that made me question whether or not she was a victim. I realize now that no matter what, Jake was wrong. He was horribly wrong. Jake should have known better. I was catty towards Abby and Angela because they would taunt me about Jake cheating on me with them and make negative comments about my appearance and so on. But I think we both owe apologies to each other. And Jake owes us all apologies. For the most part I was tactful during the time period I was defending Jake but sometimes I got out of line. And I do recognize that. I was just in such a state of denial and hurt and confusion.
And to clear up the anonymous video posted, it was fake and taken down for copywriter reasons. Their personal information sheet about him had a lot of inaccuracies as well. As far as the songs he’s written and silly assumptions people made, no he didn’t write them about underage girls. Everything on the album Aware was written for Savannah who he dated for like two years. The song Aware was written for this girl Ashlee. Whole Again was written about me (I’m 21) and A Lovely Mess was written partially about a girl Gabby and partially about me. The Day You Took the Good Away and Heaven Sent were both fictitious stories.
I’m trying to address everything. There was some truth to the situation but there was also a lot of lies. And I was just trying to clear up what I can. I felt at the time defending him was the right thing to do. And as a result a large group of people started to defend him with me. This is a big reason for me speaking out now. I want people to know that no longer side with Jake. I absolutely do not agree with his behavior, I think it’s deplorable. And if people don’t support Jake, I want them to do it for the right reasons.
Jake was incredibly devastated by all this. He was forced into a dark depression. He was suicidal. He had stayed on the phone with me for an hour and read to me his will. I was in part of it. His family and friends were. He was serious. And regardless of the pain he put me through or what he did, I didn’t want him to die. I loved him. I felt obligated to be there for him. You have to understand that these girls once defended him too. I tried to be the bigger person and set what he did to me aside and help him through this. He saw me during one of his flight layovers in Phoenix. Even though we kissed and talked, things didn’t seem right. But still I took on the internet head on and stood on the front lines. I received a lot of hatred, people (mainly Abby and her friends) insulting my appearance, people telling me to kill myself, etc. But I also received supportive messages saying that I was handling the situation appropriately despite the circumstances. I was already sunk into a deep depression at this point and doing what I could to control my anxiety attacks, and this made it so much worse. After a while it started to die down and I refrained from commenting on the matter. Jake went into treatment to get help. He was in a two month long program for sex addiction in a different state that I won’t disclose. Still talking every day. Except for the first week were they made him siege all forms of communicating with everyone. His mom, me, his best friend Zach, and his sisters/nieces and nephews were the only people he kept talking to during this time. It was a 7 month long breakup. We were still trying to work things out and find a way to be together. I am no longer trying to do so as you might have guessed. But to this day (it’s May 11th) I have only had three full days without any communication. The first being my birthday. The second and third being earlier this week. And sadly, today is not the fourth. Because he decided to text me about my post selling my bracelet on Tumblr and he suggested I give it to his niece Grace. At first I thought that because he was seeking help, he was making an effort to get better. I now know better. And that’s why I’m here.
The straw that broke the camel’s back and made realize the gravity of everything was about two weeks out of his treatment in April. He called me saying that he fucked up. Mind you he and I were still working things out between us. He told me he had sex with a girl. I had never been so broken. I felt like my insides were ripped out of me. He made up some bogus story about how she was a mutual friend and it wasn’t intentional and that it was a mistake and that he loves me and he’s so sorry and and so on. He was a broken record. I couldn’t understand how it was possible, how someone could cheat on someone SO much and not feel remorse enough to stop. And yes, before I get any nasty comments about how I was stupid for staying. I know. I should have left a long time ago. I was manipulated and felt very conflicted. I’m not at fault for staying with my abuser, the abuser is at fault for abusing. That applies to our relationship and his actions with others. At this point I was done. He didn’t tell me much about this girl. He said that her name was Michelle that “she was skinny and wore too much makeup”. He said that he stopped talking to her because I guess she was having a bad day and he had flowers delivered to her place and was going to take her out for dinner, but then saw her holding hands with another guy (I felt no sympathy, I felt the karma was well deserved). I had a gut feeling. And a lucky guess. I remembered in this particular city he had a run in during the Pure Noise tour with two girls that were drunk and lured him into a bar to “meet the bartender” or whatever and were being inappropriate with him. Apparently one of these girls pretended to give him head in a hardstyle picture. And he screenshotted it and sent it to me. I looked her up and sure enough, there she was. I commented on the Instagram picture of her flowers she had received and told her “I don’t appreciate what you did. You knew we were still talking and trying to work things out” she was stunned, said she had no clue and asked me to call her. Michelle and I had almost a 3 hour conversation. She told me about how when we were still living together he wanted to sleep with her best friend Payton and made plans to go to the strip club together. She told me about how she was saw what was on the internet, got mad and didn’t want to talk to him anymore. She had been seeing another guy and Jake wouldn’t leave her alone. To the point where this guy referred to Jake as a stalker. Jake climbed her balcony and went into her apartment without her knowledge to get his laundry and his guitar. Jake was texting her similar things he would say to me, send her videos of him singing the song Jesse sings to Michelle on Full House. I began to open my eyes and realize he didn’t care about me. That he didn’t feel bad for what he did. Then Michelle confirmed one of my worst fears. She said that they were open about their sexual history, Michelle casually mentioned that he told her that the last date of Warped Tour (while we were dating) he hired an escort. He paid $700 and slept with a prostitute. My world fell apart. This is hard to type even now. Michelle apologized to me and said she felt bad for what she did.
I called Jake and I told him I knew everything. I was no longer the submissive girlfriend of his. I was filled to the brim with fury. He really panicked. He first was angry at me and said it was none of my business talking to her. Then he was angry at her for telling me. He told me to google Michelle’s number and sure enough, she was an escort for a living too. Except in this case they were “friends” and he didn’t have to pay. Then he went into an extreme apologetic phase. I could tell he was sorry but nothing he said mattered. He said that that was one of the main reasons he went into treatment. Every word that poured from his mouth went through me and I felt numb. I was in complete shock. I had to leave my house and take a walk to the park down the road. I was crying and screaming at him. He was scared I would tell everyone. He begged and begged me not to. He was driving back to Ohio on the road at the time and threatened to ram his car into a pole if I told anyone. He said he wanted me to be on the phone to listen to him die. I told him that that there was more to live for. And I truly believe that. But I didn’t want to be a part of this game anymore. I was no longer his. This was my breaking point. But he didn’t leave me alone. For a month. I gave him many opportunities to say goodbye to me and sure enough I would still get texts and calls. I got one very sincere apology from him and I’m glad for that. But there was no going back from the damage that had been done. I started therapy for this reason. He would message me on Tumblr on anon to check up on me. He would ask me if I was seeing anybody. I wasn’t looking through rose colored glasses anymore. I could see that he was sick. I could see that this was unhealthy and the emotional toll it was taking on me. He blamed me for staying. He said it was just as bad as what he did. I do think it was foolish of me to wait it out so long, but I don’t think it’s equivalent to his actions towards me. I wanted sought closure so badly but I knew I could only get it if I broke away completely. He was inhibiting my growth. I warned him multiple times that if he kept calling I would get a restraining order. He would leave me alone for a partial day or a full day here and there but he didn’t take me seriously. So I bought an app that allows you to record phone calls. And I recorded him admitting to talking to underage girls and hiring an escort. The last time he called was May 22nd. I filled a restraining order. The order of protection is now in effect for a year. And I’ve been able to heal a little. I needed to heal before I could say anything. This has been written over the course of several months. It was too overwhelming to do at once so I slowly added to it bit by bit. I called Kevin Lyman, I told him that he wasn’t sticking to his treatment and I didn’t feel it was wise he played Warped Tour. Jake gave me the impression that he was still able to play the whole tour but that wasn’t the case. I don’t know how seriously I was taken. But I called his manager when I was trying to get the apartment number for the OOP to be served and he was extremely insensitive. This took me by surprise because I had previously had an hour long conversation with him he was very understanding of what I was going through. Kevin had told his manager that I spoke with him. He was pissed and also felt the restraining order would just “make things worse” and is unnecessary. This was extremely upsetting. I knew that Jake was a cash cow for them but I didn’t think it was right to have him around at the expense of other people.
Now I’m anticipating criticism on a few things. One being the time it took me to speak out. It took me a while because first and foremost, I wasn’t aware for a long time (when I became aware, I moved out). I was told by him that it wasn’t true, that they lied about their age, etc. He was very manipulative and it was difficult to break free of that. I thought that because he was seeking help that he changed. It took me finding out he slept with a prostitute to realize the severity of his actions and behavior. Like I mentioned before, these girls once defended him too. I told him that if I saw that his behavior was continuing I was going to say something out of moral and ethical obligation. Because of his threats, I was also terrified of him harming himself. He told me that because I waited to say something that I would be in trouble with the law because “I knew and didn’t do anything about it”. He said I was being vindictive or “trying to ruin his career”. He made me feel bad for potentially denting his career since it’s “all he had”. What I’ve realized is that he ruined his own career. It is his decisions that caused this, not me bringing light to them.
For the people questioning my motives: know that this isn’t for attention. This isn’t out of malice or to get back at him. This is for the girls like myself who were afraid to speak out. This is for the girls who bravely spoke out and were accused of lying. This is for when I defended and protected a man who had no regard for me. I have a right to tell my story. I don’t want people to think that I still stand by him. I want my life back. I want the piece of me he took away back. And I want him to be held accountable.
I believe that when you are put in that sort of spotlight, when you are a public figure, you need to set an example. You should not use your position of power to manipulate people for your own gain. I worry that young boys and men see this situation and think they can get away with it with just a slap on the wrist as well. I was concerned for the possible future women. I don’t want anyone to have to experience what I did.
Regarding his statement. He read it to me before it was released. And when he dropped it, many people shared the opinion that he was using his past as a “feel sorry for me”. To some degree his depression and prior history influenced him to act the way he does. After all, you are molded by your heredity and upbringing/environment. ‘Nature vs. Nurture’. HOWEVER, I do not think that your past is an excuse for your behavior. As I am example. I was robbed of a childhood. I had a horrible upbringing. I suffer from PTSD, Generalized Anxiety Disorder, Borderline Personality Disorder, and mild depression. But instead of letting those shortcomings define me, I chose to overcome them. I was the first in my immediate family to graduate high school and pursue a college degree. I think aside from this set back I’ve been doing pretty well for myself. I don’t punish people for my past. I’ve used it as a learning experience to make me a stronger, more resilient person. I was dealt a pretty shitty hand but I am responsible for my mistakes. I am in no way throwing a pity party for myself, I’m trying to make the point that we all go through tough events in our lives at some point or another, some more than others. And I could have easily felt bad for myself and turned into a destructive person and I didn’t.
My purpose in this lengthy novel I’ve written for you, is to finally share my side. To let go. And to prevent others from being harmed. Everyone should feel safe at shows. It’s a community where everyone should look out and protect each other. We’re there to enjoy good music and drown out the outside world if only for a brief moment.
I’ve have a hard time digesting this. It tears me up thinking about it. I have to drown out every thought that surfaces so that I can hold it together. I just don’t understand how someone who was in love with you, who spoke about building a family together and having kids with could do such things to you. I’m trying not to blame myself and understand that it was his sickness. I loved him so deeply. And I lost myself in the process. I compromised myself and was reckless. I’ve learned my lesson.
Jacob, the Jacob that I loved so much, if you’re reading this, what I hope you got out of this was a valuable lesson on how not to love a person. So that when someone special does come in your life you don’t damage them in the process. And you’re able to have a healthy relationship with someone. I truly wish that for you in the future. I hope you learn to accept the mistakes you’ve made and forgive yourself. And I hope you come to realize how the decisions you make effect other people. Trust and forgiveness isn’t something that should be taken advantage of. I hope you come to realize your worth and value. Please don’t hurt yourself, there’s so much to live for in life. Do you remember when you told me singing to your nieces and nephews and future children is a lot more rewarding than playing for crowds of people? Remember that. Take this situation and grow from it. I hope you find peace with your past and become a better person because of it. There will always be a part of me that will love you. But there’s a bigger part that needs to love myself more.
I want to take a moment and thank my friends that have stood by my side and helped carry me through this. You know who you are.
andulkaphoto
baratheonpilled
snowghoul
yousharknotpass
tangentwithtanner
theartofmadeline
