Tales to them, Memories to me

Not the courage to say, but the heart to feel and a pen to write

[pixieanvas]

Do we know them?

We think we know someone,

after years of talks,

years of meeting and years of walks

but then comes a day, when everything shatters

you find out something, you couldn't fathom

Suddenly everything crumbles apart

And somewhere a puzzles pulls itself together

you see the unseen which lied before you everyday

you feel the pain, the rage, the hurt

you think why wasn't this brought up

you realise your instincts were right

and not you overthinking every night

You feel the guilt of not being good enough

to be told the truth and not uncover

doubt creeps in, so do tears

darkness looms around with fear

what will be next, what should be done

is it time to stay or to give up

what is right, what is wrong

can't ask for guidance, you feel stuck

you are not good enough for them is all that repeats

to help yourself or to help them

huh, distance distance till you heal

and then you remember, you have been hiding something too.

I feel there is a part of you that is only known to you, between you and god, hidden from the world. You really cannot completely know someone even after meeting them and talking to them everyday. There is always a secret and always a mystery. Always.

[pixieanvas]

Why?

Why do we let others hurt us, and then go back to them

Why for meagre love, we cry and beg

When this happens to others, we just can't stand

But we sell our self-respect, everyday to someone

Why and for what? for few seconds of happiness?

We pour our love to others, but can't give it to ourselves

How helpless are we, I can't comprehend

There is so much to give we say, then give it to yourself

Why pour it into the world and deprive yourself

that you have to beg and be ill-treated for something you had

why can't my love be for myself

why it has to be shared?

because it grows with sharing?

then why are you begging?

Can't you see it going into a cracked cup, into a drain

Why are you blind to your sorrows but attentive to others'

This is so frustrating, yet nothing can be done

A human's attachment is the beginning of his doom

A doom that he watches, but just can't stop it too

What a sad pitiful life, a person has to live

Getting leeched of by people, and cry in misery

but can't help himself, an emotional fool

dies and dies everyday a bit

into a tearful whirlpool

[pixieanvas]

The desire to be important

Being abandoned many times

Fills one up with fear

You say yes to everything

even if you might end up in tears

Oh I should be there for her, so what if I didn't catch any sleep

Oh I should give her the last muffin, I can stay hungry

The guilt of saying no, the burden of upsetting someone

Buries your heart with weight, that you have to carry,

Important things stay, others are forgotten

You don't want to get abandoned

So you sell your heart, to stay unforgetful

A disagreement makes you anxious,

its easier to just comply

It keeps everyone happy

that's all that matters, right?

But, why don't people give me the love

Even though I pour my goodness out?

Is it because I am not good enough

Let me do more, maybe it will help out

This vicious cycle doesn't stop

and you end up in ruins

Than you close off and stay away

It helps your soul breathe

But then you long for love and care

You want any

Wrong choices, wrong people

You attract many

Can't stay alone, and not with people

Where is my place to be?

It all starts when you take the step to be free

Free from the fear, free from the pain

Sounds so easy?

Its a long journey of fails and pain

But the end may bring you peace

A place where you are self assured

A place which allows you to breathe

You self esteem, and boundaries

That keeps you safe and happy.

[pixieanvas]

Am I poison?

Waking up feeling worthless,

every sound, every breath around me is annoying

Feel disgusted with my thoughts

I run, I scream

But no one will help, it’s a selfish world.

so, I lock myself up,

and my thoughts want me to be a sinner

envy, a smile on someone’s face, I want to snatch it and feel satisfied

The demon has me now

I want to hurt all those who love me

I want to feed my ego, by crushing other souls

I can see all the mistakes they made, 

I want them to pay for it, make them feel horrible

I feel the demon in my blood

But do I do it, can I hurt those beautiful people who love me more than themselves?

I think, I feel my nerves, I feel my brain, not yet overpowered,

Can I fight this?

Blood doesn’t get clean so easily you poison, I hear myself,

it takes time, it has overpowered you but you can stop it, you heart isn’t completely contaminated

the injustice, the hate, the cry all will try to make you bitter you poison

but you can fight it, it doesn't have to stay forever inside you

There is power in forgiveness, in moving on

will you do it, even if it hurts?

will you do it, even if you are enough?

will you do it?

The power to destroy myself and to save myself is in my hands

And this time I chose to save myself.

[pixieanvas]

THE DILEMMA OF A PARENT

Life is hard, but so was theirs

Yet they lived through it and bought us here

a place of endless gratitude, for the life we live

without them, we wouldn't exist

Their struggle is unknown to us, and perhaps ours to them

is it for good?, is it for bad?

I wonder sometimes, no answers, my mind went blank

I bring them down from the pedestal

because they are ordinary people like me

and I ask myself what were they like

at my age, at that time

did they make mistakes, did they cry?

Everybody has secrets, maybe they have too

they don't want us to go though the pain

so they hide us from everything too

Were they betrayed?

did they get their heart broken?

were they led down by society?

were they left stranded in chaos?

But they lived through it, they shined through

with smiles they carry with their day

how heavy is the baggage they bear

only they will know it

and one day I will be a parent too

But I also be a person, who would be learning about life

I would make mistakes, and bear the cost alike

I will be responsible for my children's life

But I will also be coming near the end of mine

I would have a lot of questions and doubts

My very existence, will it make me proud?

When I will look back on the years I lived

Will my kids understand why was I mean?

That I was protecting them from the hurt I went through

I wished all happiness and success for them

that when I was strict, when I was mad

it was my love, will they understand?

The reasons for my decisions

I may not be able to give

some secrets are mine and will live within me

will they understand that I was scared?

I didn't want to hold them back

but I couldn't see them leave

I was afraid that they will forget me

That I will lose them to the endless circle of life

That when I see them again, they will have scars they will hide

And that will hurt me, but I will not be able to show

I would want to tend to their wounds

but I will not feel close enough to

I will have to watch from a distance

They will repeat the mistakes, once I made too

Maybe then they will understand me

when they are in my shoes

Alas, what love of a parent is

bound by responsibilities, fear and pain

But I choose to overlook at what is hidden

and I choose to love them, however they are

for they are only people like me

For love is the acceptance of the imperfections too

So, I love them and will do so, even after I become a star too

[pixieanvas]

PAIN

Life isn’t easy I know, but when did it get so difficult?

Since when do I feel happy for the people, who are in heaven?

because they don’t have to fight anymore

They can go to sleep, whenever they wish,

They don’t have to be sad anymore,

they don’t need to cry, as their loved ones die,

they will be receiving them.

I feel the burden of living everyday,

pain in my heart is crushing me again

I wish I could pull the weight of my chest

and fly to eternity, where my souls rest

but the fruit of happiness isn’t an easy way

you have to learn materials don’t follow us to grave,

and that life is a race, failures and failures, until you break,

the power of lord is to heal your wounds

but you have to call to him.

 - Angel

[pixieanvas]

A happy life

Morning with eyes facing the green,

Smell of rain, sound of birds

I woke up in a beautiful home

with my own garden

drinking coffee, eating hearty meals,

there is a room called library,

it has all the wonders of the world written,

on my table rests my quill,

I write some things and read a few,

I paint the canvas colourful too,

there are songs in the background,

my voice dazzles along,

I study some and rest some,

there is peace in my heart too

I go clean my home, make it sparkly bright,

I do my work and I feel happy, alright?

I come back home to lots of love,

I make a nice warm meal

I eat it and laugh, and go for a walk

I eat lots of ice cream,

I come back home to a warm bed,

it says angel, let’s get some rest,

let tomorrow be the same as today,

I pray, I close my eyes, 

my dream was purely heaven.

[pixieanvas]

Transition periods are difficult, they are full of uncertainty and they make us anxious and uncomfortable. We don't have to be comfortable with them, we don't have to smile and be happy about them. Embrace the feelings, it makes life easier.

My inner sky (by Mari Andrew)

[pixieanvas]

If the world accepts me how I am right now, If the world welcomes me and hugs my pain away, then I wouldn't be on earth, I will be in my own embrace, somewhere.

 Me.

[pixieanvas]

Just see what you made me into. I am nothing more then a waterfall of tears.

[pixieanvas]

Turning into a poison is faster than realising it, if you know you are toxic, save yourself from the misery, trust me it's easier to stop now than find an antidote, later

my life

[pixieanvas]

You dare to live?

On a swing in the night

In my home, I see the tree's shadow

I see the light

I wonder what's it like, when I will close my eyes, I will be gone,

far from my heart, into the deadly zone

where there's blood everywhere

Rusty smell of the thirst

Trying to quench it, my throat burns

Everyone living for themselves,

there smile as fake as myth

There tongue licking for more,

Even eyes have sweated from the urge,

They can beat you, eat you, laugh and forget you,

You can die everyday, and try to live with a happy face.

They can feel you, but they hate you,

They want you to be gone soon,

they have sympathy to show but their heart is hollow.

And then their are people who claim to love you,

But, that's trap, you know, don't you?

But yet you will fall into it, never liked the bitterness, right?

Their mesmerising chocolate eyes, but you are the feast.

Dead inside, broken bones, little fight, wanna go on?

If you dare and God helps you,

if you are true you can make it through,

but whatever happened in the past, is not worth cause

what you have won't last as long as you pretend it will,

your lie has killed you more than any other thing.

save your self from yourself, you can get rid of people , right?

But what if you are reason your soul is burning everyday,

will you still leave your malicious self?

no, you can't, flesh is your face.

So before this thirst makes you depend on others

get your bones some strength it needs

and next day when you fly to your new journey,

kick some hate back in the bin.

We don't need to burn today for a future,

which we might not be able to live to see,

but we can smile and fight our way and find an ending,

whatever it will be.

Opening my eyes, embracing the last time, the hugs of my family, the wind of my swing, I left, the albatross, on my journey, killing me today, but yes I dare to live.

[pixieanvas]

Dream

You are a dream, I see, with open eyes in front of me, Many years and a thousand tears, My heart has yearned to feel. I give you my heart, because it's safe It's warm, in your embrace, Hold it and keep it well, don't hurt, it will break

To see you part, I have a lot to say, But all I can is smile and see you fade In front of me, to your home, And I wait to see you again

This wait is not long, I have your memories to play, My tears might make me blind, but I see you clear in my headspace.

And so as I dream about you, every night I fear you gone far away. I trust you my heart, I trust you my soul, But I feel pain a lot of it somedays.

You are here, with me Why do I miss you then? Maybe you are never enough, That much you are beautiful, more and more everyday.

[pixieanvas]

Why is the need to be loved, is along with many rules?

Why you can't just be yourself, is this how it is suppossed to be?

What's the kind of competition they say exists?

Wasn't love suppossed to be free?

I guess everything has a lie,

Ain't no freedom now without ties,

What kind of blindfold is the world serving us,

A VR is better than this way to life.

Why is it getting tougher to smile?

Is the consciousness of growing serving me right?

Am I suppossed to look inside?

No one's gonna give a break, I will have to work through the net, need to keep a knife.

Breaking the nets one by one that I had built for others,

Yes, I forgot they weren't for me,

I kind of made myself a stranger,

To all now I am a mystery.

Oh lord, stop now please,

Hasn't it gotten kind of tougher to breathe,

The beat inside me who used to shake many hearts,

Is getting fainter by time,

One more wave and my soul will give up trying.

Wails have been shed enough,

My throat is dry, eyes with no guilt,

If you don't want to save me,

Atleast save the one you loved behind this net,

That you asked me to build.

- I guess I am too depressed to move on

[pixieanvas]

I got you

Everywhere, everytime

You crawl into my mind

This isn't fair, though it isn't a crime

Still, you don't need to be there

Many times zones away, our heart still beating the same rate

I can't hear you, you can't hear me

But we can listen to each other's feelings

Is this how love feels? Is this how you feel in my heart?

Is this how it's supposed to be? Or am I making you more important than you should be?

Tell me. Cause I got you in my mind, all time.

Because it's getting deeper, with passing clock. I don't want to get hurt when it's over, I don't wanna leave you behind.

I get hurt, when I feel that you have got something in your head, you want to hide.

I get hurt when your time is passing in another world, not mine.

I get hurt when you leave me alone, but ain't your fault, I understand you.

But, don't leave me when I need you, I die the same time.

I feel you, I feel my life, I feel everyone, this ain't right

Taken for granted, it's my fault, I cared a lot about everyone, giving myself no time.

So, I want to jump in to my life. Living upto my needs, I don't care what the world wants

Living alone, that's my life, but I am satisfied. Just need you to keep yourself, till I will be back in to my life.

Don't hurt me, we are enough. This all I have got to say.

I am dying inside slowly because of everyone, because of me. Save yourself, it's better, I will save myself, until I die, until I rest in peace.

- It's wrong to not think about yourself, doesn't matter if you do it for someone you love, if you keep your heart and their's together, never gonna hurt you. Love is not about forgetting yourself to keep others. It's about loving yourself, so that they love you and keep each other together.

[pixieanvas]

"The darker it gets, the more challenging it feels.

Just the sight of dawn, gives you relief.

The last shot of power than flows through your veins,

The hope for victory is regained,

Whatever may come next,

You will want to give your best,

Because in the end of your album, on the last sheet,

All you will need is life being normal and death in peace."

#holdabitlonger

- dying neurons in brain

[pixieanvas]

Dreams of Eternity

When the world started closing around me,

I was lost, asking for mercy,

Wandering around, I came to some place

So different, my eyes couldn't see

In the darkness, full of silence

I found something walking towards me

A bright figure of yellow glory

I was afraid, but something inside me

Feeling happy and warm

But as soon as it came closer I was shivering harder,

Suddenly, I started falling in mud

It's hand caught me faster

I was looking with great surprise, but the touch of this stranger was warmer

It made me feel safe, my heart was pumping faster

Soon, I was out and he carried me, cleaning my wounds, feeding me,

in the nights giving me dreams, life was getting happier

He too was sad, but he smiled at me

His soul was so pure, I could see through him

He came one day tired said he can't feed me enough he is tired out of life, no dreams this night, and I cried

But he needed hope I wanted to be his light

I smiled at him and gave him a dream, this night he slept like thousand weeks

He woke up and said thank you my dear

I knew our love was beyond this feel.

Like this we carried on and on,

Everyday was happening

Some days happy some days sad

We were climbing our own tree

And we finally arrived to our destination

And look down on things we have faced together

We looked at each other and smiled,

Our hearts were contended told our eyes,

That night we ate meal and recalled our memories

We were happy to find such a good end to life

Hugged each other and went to sleep, and said my love have a good night.