What to do when finding out that your wife is pregnant on your wedding day - A Tutorial by John Watson:
1) Stare blankly into the empty space next to her face.
2) Take your time to process the happy news.
3) Do not talk about the baby with her! Aggressively talk about how your best friend is so much cleverer than you instead.
4) Look away from her face, it´s getting too much.
5) Instead focus on your best friend and bicker with him for a bit.
6) Ok, this shit is real, time to panic.
7) OMG, your best friend just said something self ironic, panic break. Now you can look at him for a while.
8) Actually, what he said was really funny, you can look a bit longer if you want.
9) Okay, it wasn´t funny, it was hilarious! And look at his cute little smile! You can touch him now and pull him a bit closer, let him know how important he is to you!
10) Was there anything else? Holy shit, your wife! Well, Fuck! Quickly throw her a smile and ask if she´s okay.
11) Maybe touch her too, to let her know that you love her. A hesitant pat on the shoulder will do the trick!
12) Now that´s done, look at your friend again.
13) While you´re at it, check out is body too, make sure everything´s in the right place!
15) Hm, maybe that was a little to much Bro-time. His face looks sad….this is getting intense, time to look away uncomfortably.
16) Okay, maybe one more glance….
17) Nope, shit, it´s still pretty intense, look away!! Focus on how happy you are about the wedding and the baby, not on how he taught you the waltz!
18) What? He said something, lick your lips and stare at his face again.
19) Did he say dance?? Fuck, you´ve been found out! Look for escape routs!
20) Oh, the wife wants to dance, thats fine, no danger there. You won´t be dancing with anyone else though, let´s nip this very much in the butt, eeer bud! He doesn´t want to anyway…. Right?
21) Right. Thought so. Ok, what next? Probably ought to look at the wife again, she just said something….Don´t smile, don´t talk about a baby and don´t directly say yes to the dancing thing though. Everything in your own time.
22) OH SHIT, he just mentioned the dancing lessons! Quickly, throw a no homo joke at him to safe the day and grab something - ah, yes, the wife!
23) Ok, all good now. Let´s dance close enough to not see her face all the time.
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