Piece of Mind

A place for me to post my random word vomits. Current Projects: 1) Project Nice guy 2) A Love Letter To... 3) Brain Analysis

[pkmnwater]

Obligatory dessert pic. #hbd https://www.instagram.com/p/CbVoJDCurrl/?utm_medium=tumblr

[pkmnwater-musings]

Mini-Muse: Forget You - Cady Groves

I was in Hong Kong in 2017 the first time I took notice of this song. It was playing over the in-store PA in a pretty fancy higher-class mall that I wondered into just for fun. I danced to it a bit in the halls and ended up attracting a few eyes. There was a fountain bench involved. I wonder if it was because of the performance or because of how out of place I was, obviously Chinese but just as obviously a foreigner, mid-morning in a practically brand new mall. I was amused just the same either way. For me, this song’s kinda been the opposite of an ear worm; one I wanted to remember and keep within me but for whatever reason never could. It’s catchy and I love the hook and beat, but I just can’t seem to keep it in my head. I forget (ironically enough) about this song for months if not years at a time, but when I do manage to find it again, it’s always welcome. I re-found the memory of this song just a few days ago, when I learned of what happened to Cady Groves, someone who I had never followed beyond a google search here or there but I liked her music well enough and appreciate the ones I heard just the same. So to her, I’d like to say, “Thank you.” As for the song itself, it’s clumsily written, with the flow awkward at times just to match the music, but I feel that’s part the charm of it that I liked. As well, it just feels genuine, and I suppose resonated with me. Possibly harkening the times when I do get to remember the song passively. There’s not much to do with this song except to enjoy it, I feel.

[Link]

Lyrics: You… You… You… Must have been a long walk, How’d you make it across, The other side of the tracks? Then you ran into me, And you made me believe,  In my own laugh… And every time that we talk,  It’s like we’re taking a walk, In our own little town. But when we hang up the phone, All I hear is -alone-, I hate that sound. I gotta put my hear to the test. Gonna wrap it in a bullet-proof vest, ‘Cause in time, you’ll be running to me, -Flowers in hand. But until then, I won’t, forget. You… So when the stars come out at night,  And we’re watching the same sky,  You can tell there’s no surprise, I won’t forget - You… It’s like you fell from outer space,  And you can bet your pretty face, You will never be replaced,  I won’t forget - You… It’s just a matter of time,  You know that what’s mine is yours, I’ll put it all on the line. And every day I say, “I love you more than I did before.”, And I don’t think it’s a lie.  This is our bedtime story, that we’re gonna tell our kids,  And I’ll watch you fall asleep, -While holding all three. But until then, I won’t, forget. You… So when the stars come out at night,  And we’re watching the same sky, You can tell there’s no surprise, I won’t forget - You… It’s like you fell from outer space, And you can bet your pretty face, You will never be replaced, I won’t forget - You… …You… So when the stars come out at night, And we’re watching the same sky, You can tell there’s no surprise, I won’t forget, (forget, forget, forget, forget)… You… So when the stars come out at night, And we’re watching the same sky, You can tell there’s no surprise, I won’t, forget, You… (I won’t forget you.) It’s like you fell from outer space, And you can bet your pretty face, You will never be replaced, I won’t, forget, You…

[pkmnwater]

[WMUWNE2019]PlayTogether

~I’ll teach you, and you’ll teach me.~

[I had a whole buttload of words written before realizing how off topic I was when I first sat down to write. It’s like reverse writer’s block, and probably even more annoying, but I guess some of those thoughts I can save for another time. Just a short entry today because I’m too frustrated that I can’t get my thoughts out like I intended.] So it’s not a shot in the dark to say I’ve been spending a lot of time in Pokemon these past few days, and with so much to distract me in the game, plus my zetta slow pacing to begin with when I’m playing games I like, suffice to say I’m taking my sweet time just enjoying the game. And just because it’s a game that supposedly targets a younger audience, doesn’t mean that there aren’t things to think about and/or learn from. One thing I’ve noticed in the new games is that when you put Pokes in a nursery, a feature in Pokemon historically mainly used for breeding Pokes, instead of leveling up as you walk about elsewhere in the game, in Sword and Shield, the two Pokes will now attempt to teach each other their moves.

[For those of you that don’t know, Morning Sun is not accessible to the “Unique Horn” Pokemon naturally. Mine happened to learn it from her friend while I had it accidentally placed in the nursery while organizing my boxes. Yes, she is Timid natured.]

Take from that what you will, if anything at all, but I interpret it as even Pokemon know to always be learning from the ones they’re with and their friends and to help their peers grow.

P.S.: I’m gonna blame Pokemon for my absence the past week. I honestly didn’t expect it to be so enjoyable, nor that I’d be this bogged down/have as little free time as I do when I first challenged myself. P.P.S.:...uh, I kinda sound passive aggressive, don’t I?? I didn’t intend to be, but I suppose my words do have some carry through at the moment.

[pkmnwater]

[WMUWNE2019]Relationships.

[A note before we start. Took a few days off, first for personal matters, then because Pokemon came out and I had to tend to some things. That is all.] ~I go back to December, all the time.~ One thing I’ve learned through experience has been the trend of relationships, or at least some interesting crossovers between different relationships. Like, at first when you first meet and sign on for it, if things seem great, you feel great. You like it and want to spend time and think about it. You get involved. Then, if things continue to be good, you want to tell people about it, spread the news, give advice, and exposit how things have been so much better now that you have this relationship. You tell all your friends about it, and how you got it, and how others should have it. Ever chance you get you let it be known that you have it, because you’re happy about it. Those first two steps is what I’d assume is commonly referred to as the Honeymoon phase. But when you get past that, that’s when it becomes steady, theoretically. You start learning, and details you might’ve missed prior may start to surface. You either deal with it, or learn to accept it. Relationships are supposed to be a matter of give and take, right?? Inevitably though, there will come a point though when relationships get tested. Rocky waters and rough waves. Things that you’ve “accepted” can either become problems, or you actually accept them for real. You choose to keep swimming and brave the currents, or you can call it quits and let the tides rip you apart. Surviving turbulence isn’t necessarily a testament to the strength or dignity of a relationship though, and what’s soured may never become sweet again. And after a wash, there’s no guarantee that it won’t go through another cycle like your favourite blouse.  I’ve fairly recently realized the bitterness and resentment towards the end of a relationship when it’s time to part ways. The long journeyed road it had taken, and the strangeness of where it ended. It wasn’t bittersweet, but I guess that’s how it is when you’ve had the time to decide already. Breakups are hard like that; usually there’s a side that wants to fight for the relationship, while the other’s been over it well before to even get to that point. Made up minds and whatnot. Personally, I wanted out for a fair while. I gave it a chance, honest, but there was just something always off, things I disliked that I knew wouldn’t change, and I couldn’t accept. It was like working with a machine, cold and calculating, and if I wanted to get what I wanted, the only way was out. It was a long relationship, I’d even hazard to say I was along to see a lot of growth. I was proud of the achievements, and I overlooked the mistakes. But towards the end, it was simply just time to move on. I realized I was being taken advantage of, and I only have myself to blame. But I don’t see dark clouds surrounding me, but rather feel lifted by the revelation. After all, the opportunity to learn is perhaps the best gift, and it’s decent consolation for the mistakes made. And perhaps this is why I’ve been more hesitant this time around... ...but I should also let myself be happy.

[pkmnwater]

[WMUWNE2019]Call of the Void

“Do you wanna know how I got these scars?”

[November 13, 2019]

There’s a phenomenon that some, if not most, people experience, called intrusive thoughts, or some variation thereof. It’s when a random idea pops into our head, almost like a screaming voice, randomly telling you or tuning your thoughts towards some random thing. It’s called intrusive because for the time it’s happening, it’s almost all consuming.

An extent to this phenomenon is called “the Call of the Void”, or simply put, doom desire. It’s when a random intrusive thought takes its shape in the darkest form possible. Driving around when suddenly you can’t help but think about how easy it’d be to swerve into oncoming traffic or into the medium?? See someone standing on the curb or near the edge of a subway platform and think about pushing them, “just for fun”?? See or think of something some distance away, and mentally draw a straight line between you and it and think about just going despite anything dangerous or impassible in between?? These morbid thoughts are some examples of the Call. [There’s nothing wrong with having intrusive thoughts, irregardless of what those thoughts are.They are perfectly normal, not necessarily healthy, but normal, so long as they’re not acted upon. We decide on our actions, our brains are just wired funny and thoughts go through weird paths sometimes. Intrusive thoughts are not well understood as far as I know, but as the internet would lead me to believe, they’re not inherently signs of any ill state, mental or otherwise.] It was two years ago, just about anyway if we round up, that curiosity almost got the better of me. I was walking alone, away from a friend’s house.I had cold dark steel in my hand, playing with it in my pocket. I twiddled it and spun it around. I felt the sharpness as I run my fingertips along its edge. It was icy from the weather. When my nail touched it, the sensation tingled against my skin as much as it did my ears. It accented the calmness in the air, one of those days when anything can be heard from vast distances away. There was no one else but me, in my reality anyway. I came to a stop at a park; a swingset had caught my eye and I decided to sit and rest for a moment. A winter Wonderland, sorta, but not really. It was just a park, covered in white. I sat alone, just thinking over some thoughts that had been bothering me. By now I had taken it out of my pocket and was playing with it in my hands. I looked over it. Cold dark steel, I clutched the knife in my hand. It wasn’t anything particularly special, it was just in my pocket for whatever reason. Especially when it’s cold, it’s important to make sure your skin is still feeling, as when you can’t, you probably need to find shelter fast. I pressed my fingertip against the edge, it was numb, but it still stung. It was then that it happened. I looked over it again, playing with it in my hand. Cold sharp metal, just in my hand. I tried to silence the thought, but it was loud, screaming. “Just do it.” I knew it wouldn't end well. “Do it.” I fought back the thought, knowing that I’d need help afterwards. “Do it.” I was out far and alone, I wouldn’t be found for a while. “Do it.” Curiosity was starting to hold me, as I realized it was an experience I never had before. “You want to do it.” I did, very much so, for curiosity will never let me go. Just as quickly as the voice of my thoughts came on, it vanished. I knew it was the Call, but when it happens, I’m so powerless to not hear it. They are called intrusive thoughts for a reason after all. The worst part was that it made me realize something I wanted, and my only option-able solution, at the time anyway, was...numbness.

[pkmnwater]

[WMUWNE2019]Fester.

~We’ve all danced through trapped in this machine. We’ve all danced in fire, looking through the screen.~

[November 11, 2019]

Conception, the formation of an idea in ones mind. Inception, when that idea begins to hold you, and you spin its web. You give it your thought, your time, your effort. You let those ideas grow. You let it take control of your mind. You let it take over your mind. Observation, the thoughts and senses you perceive. Reality, the world those details create. You see, you smell, you think. You assume and presume, you assemble. You make a world that is yours. Your truths, your beliefs, your reality.

When we come to an idea, something that we truly think or believe in, it becomes a part of our reality. It’s hard to dismiss something that you’ve come to believe in. You may be right, you may be wrong, but neither is of any consequence; once you’ve grasped it for your reality. An idea that you hold is something that you sustain. You feed into it. You seek further observation or information that supports it. You decide whether proofs to its benefit or contrary are valid, but let’s face it, bias exits. Once you’ve formed a belief, that idea demands you sustain it. It festers.

[pkmnwater]

[WMUWNE2019]Monday Matters.

Today is November 11, or as members of the Commonwealth recognizes it, Remembrance Day, wherein we take time to honour past and present members of the armed forces to do the [physical] fighting so that others don’t/won’t have to. It’s a stance on patriotism, liberty, valour, and other buzzwords that you may or may not believe in. In a related vein, today I went down a rabbit hole for a while, and while my findings were kinda interesting and I intend to share them, I feel it’s probably of poor taste to do so today, so I will withhold them. Seeing as I also withheld Friday’s post because I wanted to polish it a bit and make sure I was okay with posting it, I suppose I’m alright with this. Is it cheating, probably, but I’m doing it. As for something slightly insightful to add today, I’ve been sitting in sheer amusement for a while that today, historically one of the darkest days of the year, the sky and ground are covered by white delight. Ponder what you will from the white falling through in the dark cold.

[pkmnwater]

[WMUWNE2019]Shame.

~Todo lo que haces.~

[November 8, 2019]

I’ve spoken previously on many occasions about how I use emotions and/or thought memories as a means to set my mood or attain some goal. I use pleasantness to make light of moments, anxiety for adrenaline, fury for strength and vigor, et cetera. One such emotion that I ‘tap’ into that I feel like is oft misunderstood is failure.

Failure, in a sense, is an emotion of dread, negative in nature, and a downer, so to speak. But like sadness and anger, just because it’s a negative emotion, doesn’t mean it’s useless. Like how we need darkness to recognize the light, we need failure to recognize our degree of success. For me, the sense of failure is perhaps one of my most powerful emotions, because I use the sense-memory for DETERMINATION, among other things.

But that’s a topic to continue another time.

Instead, I’ve been thinking about a feeling that’s often confused and/or entangled with failure, namely, and as spoiled by the title of this post, shame.

There are very few things that I am ashamed of, and one of which coincidentally (or fatedly) was given reminder to me just today.

I took three years of Spanish in high school. And by took, I mean I was in class, I did learn some of the material (at least enough to pass the courses), but I didn’t really take it seriously and saw it more as a “for fun” thing, even as formal education has never really been a priority for me, I took this course even more casual still. My teacher [probably] knew that about me, and I honestly believe I was one of her least liked students, and this is one of my shames.

Shame is, for all intents and purposes, one of the simplest ways to describe what I call “useless” emotions, and simply put, it’s simply that, useless. Simple. [Alright, enough with the repetition.] There is no good use I’ve found for shame, but before going on, I suppose it’s better to identify what shame is to me.

Like I’ve said in the past, I carry memories of failure with me, and constantly think through them. Failures are mistakes or accidents, sometimes avoidable, sometimes due to unknown or unforeseen circumstance, or sometimes just pure misfortune. They are natural, but more importantly, pondering failure usually leads to insight, this process is like finding the silver lining of failure; a chance to learn.

I attempted to take Spanish in university, seeing as it was a possible credit for my optionals. I thought I learned [and retained] enough from my last three years that I’d be able to survive, and maybe continue learning. I was wrong. Yeah, I could read it and had decent understanding and vocab, but that was it. I wasn’t allowed to take the beginners’ class because I had the proficiency certificate, but I definitely did not deserve the title of “experienced”. This was the first and only time I dropped a course. I felt much shame in this.

However, like any looming cloud, failure threatens to rain down its cast, and one of failure’s precipitates is shame. Shame is the dread of failure; the fog of the rain. It prevents us from seeing clearly, or worse, it can mislead us and cause us more hurt in its confusion. We don’t want to fail because we feel shame in that outcome. We’re disappointed when we fail because that’s shame’s toll on our mindset. We fear failure because shame is consuming. For this, I previously couldn’t find a use for it, and despite trying again now, any such use for shame still eludes me. 

My shame didn’t come from failing to perform in the course though, rather it was more from failing myself/my time spent, in part, but mostly, failing my high school teacher. She was kind, and fun, and lax (at least towards me), a trait that I took advantage of. Thinking back, I possibly gave her much reason to be lax with me, as if I didn’t care to learn, she might as well give effort to someone else who was there for a proper reason. I don’t blame her for that, and I should blame myself for the happenstance. In retrospect, this is also a source of my shame.

That isn’t to say that shame and failure go hand in hand and always together though, or at least they don’t have to. Awareness and insight are powerful tools after all, and that’s what we do as learners.

Shame is one of those things that kinda creep their way in. Sometimes it happens slow and insidiously and you feel it growing, but sometimes all at once and entirely. and you don’t notice it at all until it’s already consumed you. That’s how this was for me. At the time I felt no shame; perhaps I should’ve, but I didn’t. I wasn’t shamed after each year in high school when going through my book and seeing my near-minimum effort. Nor when I checked the box to transfer out of the class in university. I realized my shame a little bit later when I chanced upon my former teacher in a grocery store.

When I saw her, I felt panic. Not unusual, if you don’t expect to see someone, it’s common to be lacking words and or not be in the mindspace to want to talk to that person. That wasn’t what I felt. I dug into my mind, things I had learned and used every day during school. I drew upon nearly nothing. Me, the one that remembers, recalled nothing of substance, nothing worth uttering. I went over scene after scene of classes upon classes, recalled words and phrases and activities, but it was then I realized how remiss I had been of storing those memories, and how little use I had gotten out of them in the times that I should’ve. I cited that I simply couldn’t recall anything at the moment and faulted memory. Internally, I conceded that I was actually ashamed.

“Identify the thought and grasp that consciousness. Segregate, determinate, and cogitate the circumstance and happenstance that lead to that thought, learn anything that can be learnt from it. Repeat until there’s no new consciousness to be gained.” This is one of my common mantras when remunerating my experiences. When applied here, it allows me to remove shame from failure. Failure is the feeling about the state and/or situation when something is gone wrong. Shame is a possible attached feeling brought on internally by failing. Gleaming failure brings insight to something that’s awry, or wrong, or could be made better. Shame is the veil that conceals and steers us away from failure because we fear dread.

Being able to confront, identify, and separate shame from failure (and then promptly discard said shame due to its uselessness) is why I say I carry a high sense of failure, but I have very little I’m ashamed of. I suppose that’s also why it’s that much more crushing when I come to terms with things I should be ashamed of, and why I don’t discard the shame attached to those failures.

Perhaps that’s the utility in shame. When used correctly and sparingly, instead of shielding us from particular thoughts by steering us away, shame can function as the accent to highlight something worth remembering, or that there’s more to be learnt.

[More pondering into this is probably necessary, but I shall save it for another time as I am exhausted and want to dwell on this for a while longer anyway.]

[pkmnwater]

[WMUWNE]White Out.

~Put to rest, what you thought of me, while I clean this slate, with the hands, of uncertainty. So let mercy come, and wash away, what I’ve done.~ Apparently some dumb things happen when you fall asleep outdoors as an adult. It was all fine and dandy when I was a kid, but apparently now it’s either dangerous and/or creepy for me to just hang out at the park in the dead of night. And I thought it’d be nice to just enjoy myself for a bit.

Amateur hour over here what with this shaky camera work...give me a break, it was cold and I was ill prepared. That said, white out conditions in early November?? I can’t tell if I’m happy about this, or if the world’s doing me a favour and trying to lift my mood. It was only a few minutes worth, but it was nice.

[pkmnwater]

[WMUWNE2019] Repetition.

~Watching me is like watching the fire take your eyes from you. Hope it isn’t repetition, though that’s the only thing that keeps and takes you.~ Context: [Link] I find myself being stuck in loops fairly often. Cycles rather. Decide to do a thing, plan the thing, work myself up to do the thing, either do the thing or decide not to do the thing, plan out how to address the thing if it comes up again, spend more time than healthy mentally thinking and stressing about how I could’ve/should’ve done the thing better, decide that the thing is done and move on, thinking about the next thing to do. Sounds exhausting, but I’m sure it also sounds familiar to many if not most. Incidentally, that’s the ideal route, that I actually get through the thing to do. For me, I’ll get caught up somewhere in the planning stage, stewing it over and over and over and over again. Repetition. There’s fire inside me, and in my eyes. I have vision, something that I aspire for, an image in my mind; a song that’s stuck in [my] head. But perhaps that vision is also what interrupts me. If I see something so clearly, that’s because it’s the product of my mind going over and over and over and over it again. Repetition. I can’t bring my thoughts into reality, usually anyway, for all the planning I do, I make ever more plans for eventualities. Reality doesn’t play out like how you plan in your head. You either do the thing and hope for the best, or you keep doing the thing trying to make it the way you imagined in your head. You either have reality bend its will to you, or you go over and over and over until it breaks you out of it. Repeat. Or walk through the fire.

[pkmnwater]

[WMUWNE2019] Lexicon

~Coming out of my cage, and I’ve been doing just fine. Gotta gotta be down, because I want it all.~ Here’s a handful of words that’s been swimming through my mind. They may or may not pertain to certain writings I’ve been working on, or perhaps are just the ramblings of a madman.: Abandon: Cease to support or look after (someone); desert. Adequate: Satisfactory or acceptable in quality or quantity. Align: Place or arrange into order // give support to. Apology: A regretful acknowledgement of an offense or failure. Become: Begin to be. Desire: A strong feeling of want. Disappoint: Fail to fulfill expectations. Dream: A cherished aspiration, ambition, or ideal.  Drought: A prolonged period of abnormally low rainfall // thirst. Excite: Cause strong feelings of enthusiasm or eagerness. Equal: A person or thing considered to be the same in status or quality. Fairytale: A story of improbable events involving fantastic forces and beings. Fixer: A person who makes arrangements for other people. Found: Having been discovered // recognized // became aware of. Freeze: Be turned to solid as a result of extreme cold // deprive of feeling. Genuflect: Show deference or servility.  Leader: The person who leads or commands a group, organization, or country. Livid: Furiously angry; dark bluish gray in colour. Lonely: Without companions or peers; solitary. Mirror: A reflective surface // show a reflection of. Patience: The capacity to accept or tolerate delay, trouble, or suffering. Remind: Cause someone to think of/remember someone or some thing. Shield: A broad piece of suitable material used as protection // protection from danger, risk, or unpleasant experience.  Sober: Not affected by a substance. Sword: A weapon with a long metal blade, a hilt, and a hand guard // power violence, or destruction. Transcend: To be or go beyond the range or limits of; surpass. Vision: The faculty of being able to see // the ability to think about the future with imagination or wisdom. I think that’s a good enough teaser for now. Bonus points if anyone can extrapolate my references for why certain words might be here. Why yes, I am stalling so I can better arrange my thoughts into something I’d be more proud to present. I just said I’d say ~something~ every day, and delving into my head and corralling these words did make me tangent into more thoughts. If I misworded myself and mislead you into thinking I’d have full posts every day, that was wrong on my part, but that was not ever my intention, nor would that be sustainable as it does require time for thought and words.

[pkmnwater]

In Utter Darkness.

“Every hand is turned against you. Even the ground beneath your feet carries the seeds of your destruction! “ [Written November 3, 2019] I’ve make it no secret that I’ve always had a certain disdain for the month of November, I won’t bother retreading it here (link if you feel like reading), but basically, I’ve always viewed it as the end of the year, and thereby, the end of things. It’s when the skies are darkest, when the cold is most bitter and there’s no refuge from the wind. Most of all, for some reason, being out in November just makes me feel…naked. It’s recently come to my attention that I have what’s considered a rather unique ability to change my mindset almost completely, usually to suit my need for the moment, but also, just to avoid/prevent myself from thinking about certain things. No more often do I abuse this ‘ability’ than in November. I hate the desolate feeling the month brings me, the melancholy in my being and the austere of the air. Ergo, I simply don’t, or rather, didn’t. I’ve been putting some thoughts into, well, my thoughts, lately. I typically have no use for thoughts I deem, for lack of a better word currently, negative, I’d cast them aside and brush them off as useless, rarely revisiting those thoughts when it comes time for recollection. I keep happy or serious or even angry and sad thoughts for use when I need them, but not lugubrious or saturnine, as I have no use for them, or so I thought.  Lately, I’ve come to the conclusion that perhaps it was rather that I was just not wise enough to understand such negativity, and/or not clever enough to find use for keeping such thoughts. I had a solution for dealing with them, in that I didn’t, but I question the effectiveness of my chosen route.  One of my closest friends from elementary school once did a report on a short story about the anomaly that is boredom. That there was no beginning to it, only an end, and the best way to get past boredom was to delve straight into it, let it consume you, let it pass you. For some reason, her words struck me hard, and I do recall her words every so often, especially in moments of intense, jittery boredom. Melancholy, the way I’ve seen it lately, is like this sense of intense boredom. It comes suddenly and without reason, it wants to consume you, and you typically avoid it by doing or thinking its opposite or otherwise change your mindset. I’ve never really considered the other option in the case of melancholy, what happens if I let it consume me instead?? And on that vein, I’ve challenged myself this year, this month, to allow myself to be consumed by my thoughts, all of them, and see wherever they might take me. That isn’t to say that I’ll be avoiding the positive or cheeky or otherwise thoughts, but that I won’t stray away if I bring myself to a doorway of tenebrosity, I'm turning off my 'filter', as it were. Even if I’m left in utter darkness, then the gleam and sparkle of something seldom seen will catch my eye, and I’ll have that aspect to explore. So, as such, rather than my normal abstaining and feeling dread that I purchase for the month like I had in years previous, I’ll be writing -something- almost every day instead, Monday through Friday. If anyone cares to join me, favours the prose of my writing, or heck, if anyone enjoys reading about my [redacted because the word I’m looking for eludes me atm] thoughts, all I ask is for you to enjoy and maybe even be inspired to think a little deeper about yourself as well.

P.S.: I acknowledge this is also perhaps a chance to offer myself at a bit of catharsis and to speak more candidly about certain things. I won’t pretend I don’t already have certain topics I intend to explore. I won’t go so far as to say ulterior intentions, rather more like coincidental tidings. P.P.S.: I’ll actually keep writings in this series public this time…

[pkmnwater]

Thing 40b - Friends/Cousins

~Well I believe it all is coming to an end, Oh well, I guess we’re gonna pretend. Let’s see how far we’ve come, let’s see how far we’ve come.~ [Written June 18, 2018; Edited September 4 2018; Rewritten June 30, 2019; Posted July 1, 2019] [Part 2 of x] [Huh, so it’s been about exactly a year since my last post. I was doing some thinking lately about some certain topics relating to “Forgiveness” and it got me going back to thinking about this. So I guess now this multi-parter will be a yearly entry (it won’t, and I do actually want to finish typing it up in a more timely manner, but finding the effort and time has proven to be difficult, apparently).]

I had a friend, a long time ago. Grade school days. From when I used to play a certain arcade racer, and was actually quite into it. I hadn’t known it at the time of the encounter, but it proved to be one of my most important, and probably among the most defining ones for my mentality. I’ll likely tell this story eventually, as it is quite amusing to me, but for now, we’ll leave that for a time, she was one of the most important characters in my life, who I happen to have back now.

I was never very close to my extended family. I wanted to be, but it wasn’t quite a thing for us. My mom’s side aren’t on very good terms, and for one reason or another [we’ll just leave it at that], we don’t talk very much to my dad’s side. I have six cousins, two from each of my uncles [and boy would it be awkward if I’m mis-remembering right now...], but only one unit lives within visiting distance, not that we’ve seen each other in years...

It was earlier this summer, in fact, I’m basically just coming back from, a weekend away. The first time I went on a getaway with friends, actually, excluding camping. We went to a convention an hour or two out of town, just for fun. I’ve never been to a convention of any sort, and although I’ve been known to hate and avoid crowds and interacting with others when possible, loathing nor nervousness weren’t anywhere on my mind. I was going with my friend, L, her cousin, A, and the cousin’s boyfriend, J. For context, I’m pretty decent friends with the cousin and boyfriend. I was later informed of the possibility of being joined by two more of L’s friends. Not a big deal, the living arrangements were already putting me off center, so a tad more awkwardness wouldn’t really faze me. For me, the idea was trying something new, and at the time, I was seeing it as a chance to “get out of my comfort zone” as they say, so in the back of my mind, it was just adding to the challenge.

The trip roles around and the original four of us drive out and find our rental place and settle in, et cetera, et cetera. Eventually we meet up with the other two friends on the grounds, and we kick off to hanging out and having a generally good time, typical convention stuff, I assumed. I am just meeting these two for the first time, but the conversation flowed naturally. At first it seemed uncharacteristic of me, but then I thought a bit.

I couldn’t help but reflect on the thought that, at the time, was still nagging at the back of my mind, the time when my character was called into question, as it was something I recently decided to revisit and think about deeply. I didn’t realize it at the time, but this weekend would be the bookend to that chapter of growth and realization of that aspect of my character. As it turns out, in conversation with A and J later on, I had gotten along so well and naturally with the L’s friends that A and J thought we had met before and I was part of their group from the get-go. Upon hearing that, I actually burst out laughing, because during that weekend, Both L’s friends had thought A, L, and I were all cousins, because of how friendly and close we seemed. It was this moment that I realized it had only been two years prior when I met A (for real), It had been a sticking point for me lately. Like one of those things that you randomly can’t stop thinking about, coming up so randomly after all this time, but once you’re confronting it, the thought doesn’t go away until it’s settled.  Y’see, one of the things that was called into question was my ability to be friendly, to be personable, and to be likable. I had always taken pride in my language and tact, but it wasn’t ever a thing I really bothered to flex in spontaneous interaction. Like I know I can carry a conversation if I had to, but I did doubt the quality of my interaction. When I first thought it was uncharacteristic of me, this time, it got me to realize that if the feeling of being ‘uncharacteristic’ came up so much, perhaps it was my own perception of my character that was wrong. That weekend made me realize that my fears were unmet, that I can put forth my best self, even in front of strangers, but most of all, that I was congenial. I had never forgiven myself for letting some think otherwise of me, and holding onto the critique has also opened my eyes into seeing the presence of this aspect in myself, as well as in others. It was sort of like a poison, what was said, casting doubt. But it wasn’t a bad thing that I held onto it for so long, nor is it bad that I’m now forgiving myself for believing it, and for letting it come to a head. Life’s certainly been interesting since coming to this realization, at least moreso than before, as it’s given me another means to put forth effort for others.

[previous] [next] [If you're new, or want to start over, press here] P.S.: It would also turn out that L would become friends with my nearby-ish cousin(s) through other connections. So that’s where the serendipity comes in to this story, I suppose. Story to follow if requested.

[I need to revisit these writings and spend some time with them, they’re terrible imo.]

[pkmnwater-untoldstories]

Stories Untold - Perfect (Pt. 1)

[May 26, 2019]

This is a story of a girl, sorta. She was my best friend during grade school, and the only other thing to mention at the moment was that she was boy crazy, definitely to a fault.

When I was younger, my family used to vacation with some family friends all the time. We took a cruise one year. I, being who I am, one time during this cruise to break off alone to find the highest point I could get to. I had originally intended to people watch, but as it turned out, the waves were much more interesting.

It took maybe two hours or so, but eventually I was found. He was essentially my closest friend, sorta. At least we did the most things together that friends would typically do. We’ll call him PC, for reasons to come.

PC: There you are, PK. Y’know everyone’s been looking for you, right?

PK: Yeah, I saw. My dad walked by some time ago. That’s fine.

PC: sits So what’re you doing anyway?

PK: I just said, people watching. Or was.

PC: You’re weird.

PK: Awwh, you know me so well.

There’s a silence, almost uncomfortably long.

PC: Y’know, I realy don’t. We’ve known each other practically our whole lives. We hang out every other week, you’re the only one I trust on the field and you’re my wing on the ice. But aside from what we do when we’re together, I know nothing about you!

PK: What’s to know?? I’m me, there’s not much to say beyond that.

PC: Friends!! Do you even have any?! I talk about mine all the time, but you’ve never once mentioned any of yours.

PK: They exist. It just doesn’t matter to you, so why would I bring it up??

PC: You’re so weird.

PK: You said that already, try something new.

PC: So who’s that girl in your wallet?

For some reason, I kept a picture of Her in my wallet. It was one of my favourite pictures of a person for some reason. It always seemed to make me happier when I glimpsed the photo, so I kept it with me. She was my best friend, for the time anyway, but nothing more than that. I’m somewhat taken aback, slightly impressed that he’s noticed, possibly somewhat embarrassed by being found out.

PK: Her name’s Tessa.

PC: She’s pretty, and you’re a dog, or a creep, depending on what she’s doing in your wallet.

I know he’s not going to drop it easily, so I tell it straight. I thought I got my point across.

PK: She’s my best friend at school. I took the photo and I liked it. That’s all.

PC: Alright, option three, you’re just weird.

PK: Learn new words.

PC takes my wallet and pulls out the photo. I notice that he’s studying it, so I get a little cheeky.

PK: Y’know, she has a thing for Calvin’s for some reason.

PC: Lucky me then.

I hear hesitation from him.

PK: I’ll let her know about you, I guess, if you drop the topic.

PC: I hate you.

We proceeded to sit in silence watching the waves until our parents found us.

It was a while later, probably a month or two when it came up, or rather, I could set up my words properly. I talked with Her on the phone practically every day. One of our favourite things to do was for us to come up with a hypothetical future for her and tell her a story based on it. It came up when one of these stories involved her marrying a “Calvin”.

Perhaps I’m a bit too good at hooking someone, or perhaps she was a bit too eager to possibly be involved with a boy, but it was basically sealed as soon as I told Her his name. I embellished slightly, mostly for my own amusement, somewhat to make the tale more enticing. I told Her he was a new friend I had met, through hockey. I said he saw my photo of her from my MSN page, and had asked me about Her. I said that I thought they’d be a fun couple, that I’d set them up for her benefit if she was interested.

I suppose it was a little messed up on my part, but subtle manipulation was kinda my pastime. Things were progressing according to my plan. Just enough time had passed for PC to get anxious, but she was hooked and excited. Unfortunately, as it would turn out, playing with people apparently comes back to haunt you, lesson learned, eventually.

When I got back to PC about setting things up, after having played both sides up for a while, apparently he had come to terms with a different decision. He decided that I wouldn’t just keep her photo in my wallet if it didn’t mean something significant to me. He was wrong, for the most part, but the thing about a made up mind is that universal truth doesn’t matter against personal truth.

PC: I can’t meet her. I can’t do that to you.

PK: So I talk you up like crazy and make my best friend like you, and you just gonna bail on me and hurt her.

PC: I’d rather hurt her than ruin you.

I then realized he was trying to be a hero, and it’d be fruitless to try. I was also offended and upset by his assumption, and in hindsight, I might’ve been frustrated with my plans falling apart; that my fun was spoilt. I was probably also upset for Her sake also.

PK: So what am I supposed to tell her. She wants to meet YOU.

PC: It’s not happening, tell her whatever you want.

So I told Her he died. In a way, for the time, he was somewhat dead to me. For someone who was supposed to know me, he made assumptions about me and my friendships, and I was offended. We’d eventually make up, and be good later. But this ‘event’ eventually drove a wedge between Her and I.

To be continued.

[pkmnwater]

<Real description eventually> A new series I’ve been thinking about for a while, Stories Untold. Just random exposits of stories I’ve been keeping to myself for no reason aside from just not ever having the opportunity to tell them. No real lessons that fit a theme or anything really to think about. Just stories I want to tell for the sake of telling them; stories that I don’t feel a real need or use for keeping to myself any longer, so I might as well attempt to entertain.

[pkmnwater]

"A day late, a buck short."

Sometimes the will to move on is hard to find, but harder still is swallowing the pill that it's probably the only reasonable thing to do.

[pkmnwater]

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On the first day of Christmas, I had my red cup decorated by @_artemish_. Turned out just as good as I expected. #goodbyenovember #december #christmas #starbucks https://www.instagram.com/p/Bq3ulCyBYdZ/?utm_source=ig_tumblr_share&igshid=1j2rq9b01uuiu

[pkmnwater]

Languor: an oppressive stillness of the air. Walked by my door and couldn't help but be overcome by an acute onset of torpor. #wakemeupwhennovemberends https://www.instagram.com/p/BqLVEQ0hDHq/?utm_source=ig_tumblr_share&igshid=gi5o6g13ovir