It feels safe to write this on here, because this time I am not following anyone I know. It feels like I can let this out the way I am feeling without being judge or looked at funny. I have so much going on in my mind, I'm not even sure where to begin. But I just know once I start, it will be hard for me to stop. I have so much I want to say. So, let me start off my by saying I have no idea where I am going with life. Some days, I feel found. Other's I feel lost.
I am going to tell you the story of how Christine, Richard, Lisa, Mark, Felipe and finally Crystal all made me realize how dumb i really am. There are few side characters, but we will get there. Let's start with Lisa. I honestly think the only reason, I liked her was because of her body. And the fact that they had their life together. There was just something there, that I naturally enjoyed. But all in all, it was never going to work. She didn't want to date someone who already had kids. (But secretly is looking for someone to birth a mini me.) CRAZY!.
Next, let's talk about Richard. I've known Richard for a while now. We've been through a lot, and I should trusted them. But honestly, I can't. It's hard. I just feel like he is going to lie, manipulate me, and use me. I don't know what it is, but I just can't. The hard part about us is that I love him. Because we've been through a lot, I guess I am happy we are still together, and going through life together. I am such an aggressive person, that me pushing myself on them. Made me realize, I don't get that love and affection back. And I guess, I should off noticed it. But I was so caught up on the friendship part that I didn't even see that it wasn't reciprocated. I don't want nothing to change with our relationship but I just wish he would off talked to me. I wish he said something, that way I knew when to stop or back off.
There is really nothing to talk about Felipe. I choose to start talking to him again, and that was the worst mistake ever. Speaking of mistakes, Christine. OH!! How much I want to tell her that I love her. She has no idea, that I love her. She was so mad because I slept with someone else, that she decided to go off and have her own little fun without me. She would feel so proud of it too, especially since the person she was sleeping with was like a "normal client" type of thing. Okay..okay. More like a "FWB". Christine, is my weakness. She makes me wanna scream, and she would make me feel like she cared. That's the worst part.
Mark is next. There is not much a story there yet. But I guess it's kind of forming. The doubtful thought about this one is that him and Richard are super close. And I would start to feel like a sex addict and also a homie hopper. But I mean, Mark came onto me. I didn't even come on to him. I may have thought about it from time to time but no no. I couldn't o that to Richard, and let alone Mark's cousin. OMFFG. It would be a nightmare, that I am just not ready for. But it's so tempting, and seems like it would be really enjoyable and fun.
Save the best for last? Right. Crystal. She doesn't seem to care about much. Really laid back, works, supportive, really nice. She told me that she would make me feel beautiful everyday. IT made me feel good about myself but also today I didn't feel it. I felt like I was bothering her. I'm starting to think, because i was a little bitchy in the beginning. She feels I am just trying to use her for the things I know she can provide. It would make sense, but I wouldn't do it. I think I am just going to back up.
I want someone to just love and I can't seem to find it. It hurts a lot, because I've been single for so long that I don't know how to feel about anything. I put in time with those I mentioned, and like I said there was a few characters that remained on the side. But they just wasn't sticking. I'm not going to say i'm giving up, But i think i am just going to take a pause.
origamiaround
snowghoul
germansingergirl
