Signal of me with a sappy post after being gone for a long while, don't read it if you don't want to feel depressed
It's been a while since I've written something here honestly. I've been thinking more and more about Atsushi lately. The more time passes, the harder it is to accept that he has passed.
I've been wishing for him to come back. Anywhere I go, whatever I see, it reminds me of him. I know he spoke so much about mortality, despite him being afraid of death, he made sure we wouldn't be so scared.
I know he is Immortal, he is never truly gone. But I want to see him more. I want to see the world being kinder to him. He has suffered so much, I wish he could have had the rest he needed before his final sleep.
I can't stop crying. Ever since march hit I can not stop crying every single day. It's got to a point when I cry during work, in school, from seemingly out of nowhere. I tried not listening to BT to not trigger these emotions, but I feel even worse. Acchan's voice makes me so so so sad, but so so so comfortable. I cannot stop listening to BT because their music is the only reason I'm still here. No matter how much it hurts, I can't stop. But the more time passes, the more it hurts.
Reminding myself of seeing Hizumi more, his grey hairs, his smile, wrinkles. Seeing more of his beautiful lyrics, his charming voice, shy demeanor. The more I think about it, the more I despise how cruel this world is. But I know it's also so so beautiful.
I would not trade a single second of my life since the time I've found their music. It has been the fucking happiest I've ever felt, and I would never, ever, ever, ever wish for anything more. I keep thinking I wish I'd found them sooner. It's so so selfish of me, but I know, had I found them sooner, I wouldn't have suffered so much. I could have made more happy memories with the band, and maybe they could've been more overpowering than the immense feelings of grief I feel with every passing day.
I just don't want to accept this reality. And I have no idea what to do with it. This feeling, has absolutely no place to go. I try to express it in art, in my words, but it does not ease.
I've never met a person in my life I've admired so much. And not just for his physical appearance, or talent. But for the fact that he was so ridiculously human yet alien at the same time, no matter what happened to him. He was so vulnerable yet so otherworldy still. He made me see what humanity really is.
The ridiculous amount of love his spirit possessed and delivered to us through his music, his stories, characters, made me appreciate that I was alive.
Instead of hiding his humanity, including the dirty, nasty, vulnerable parts of it, he exposed it to the whole world to see, to feel seen.
It's as if for us, the regular people, to understand life more clearly, he sacrificed himself over and over on that stage. He lived a thousand lives at once. And by that, he helped thousands to live just one.
What I really want to say with this, I don't know. I just hate this world without you. You are probably able to rest now, but I wish it wouldn't have been so soon. I don't think I'll ever find anyone in my life half as beautiful as you.
I wish the whole world to see your beauty. But I want to see it too. It's just hard. I wish you'd still be here dear. I cried at least 4 times today. The flowers, that I included as the first picture, represent you and the way you shone light to many people's dark world.
By seeing you bloom, the small, insignificant, nameless flowers around you are beginning to slowly find their footing as well.
I just so, so wish we wouldn't have to do that without you. It feels like losing a parent, coming from someone who has lost a parent. How does one guide through life without the help of a guardian?
Of course, his guidance is still present. I know. But I can't help it. I feel like the hole in my soul grows deeper and darker. I don't want to ever forget you. I wish sometimes life would've taken me instead.
I love you dear Acchan. Lately, I feel incapable of promising you to continue living.
I just really, really don't know how to fill in this space you left here. The world is as dark and cruel as it ever was. Maybe you are lucky you don't have to witness all of this. But still...
I miss you so so so so much. I don't want to live my life without you. I wish I could've found you sooner. I'm repeating myself. But our time together was far too short. I don't feel unlucky, because I still got to meet you.
I just did not want to let you go. Buck-Tick as a whole finally felt like something I can hold onto. Something I can call "mine". I'll do that as long as I can. But your absence is felt really strongly. I wish you'd come back.
