Pleasure Nutrient

From the rugged soul of an artist living in New York City. (author's copyright 2009-2016)

[pleasurenutrient]

Starting Over

Just spent the last two hours digging out my photography equipment, hard drives and travel stuff.  I’m planning a trip to the Caribbean next week.  I’ve only told 3 people because I swear, whenever I let people know what I’m doing, it falls apart.

Anyway, I couldn’t help but think about the horrid curse I was under starting in about 2008.  So many many bad things happened to me, not even including getting ridiculously sick and going to countless doctors without a diagnosis.  Still dealing with that, although I’m a lot better.

But other things... my large back up hard drive with all my artwork mysteriously stopped working one night.  I ended up washing one of my cameras by  mistake.  And I was just so poor that I couldn’t develop the photos that I took in East Africa.  For MORE THAN A DECADE!  I just now saw 8 rolls of film, I don’t even know if they’re still any good.  I mean, I was so poor that I was going to the food banks to get food - - which made me even sicker.

But I soldiered on.  And here I am today.  One possible explanation is that I was going through a horrible 10 year cycle - - according to Vedic astrology.  I learned of this cycle in 2015.  It’s been a blessing, in a sense, to discover it because now I fully expect to FLY.  

All I can do is hope that this trip is the inauguration of a new beginning for me.  I am hoping to take some nice shots and do a photo exhibit in 2018 or 2019.  I feel encouraged.  It’ll be nice to travel again.  I haven’t been out of the country for 8.5 long years.  Completely and utterly ridiculous!  Meanwhile “A” has been to India, Italy, Montreal, Puerto Rico, Jamaica.  “N” has been to India, Nepal, Mexico, Iceland, Argentina, Canada and probably other places.  Even “I,” who hardly travels, has been to Montreal twice, and Costa Rica.  My good friends have been to Nigeria, Peru, Costa Rica... And I know of a lot of crew who’ve traveled to multiple countries in the Caribbean and also the Arab world

I’m not jealous.  I’m just making a contrast, which is so incredibly sharp.   

Having lost 10 years of travel is significant because I’m getting older.  I so many other considerations now.  And it’s not going to get easier.  

Oh well!  Here’s to the future! 

(Picture of my new phone emergency phone charger)

[amare-habeo]

Frits van den Berghe (Belgian, 1883-1939)

The painter of the sun, 1921

Oil on canvas, 136,5 x 120 cm

[pleasurenutrient]

This looks like German art.  I LOVE German art from this period!  What a treat!

[pleasurenutrient]

Ugh!

What kind of season am I in?  Lots and lots of discord with family, friends and jobs!  So over it all!  But I do feel like there’s a cleansing happening.

I’ve separated from my family, for the most part.  Just so much dumbness.  Like, my uncle reading the obituary I wrote for my mom to a crowded room and needing to pause just to announce that he, “remembered when I changed my name.”  Now, very people knew that I changed my name and, while not a secret, it was something I held close to my chest.  Why did he do it?  Because he’s a major Q-U-E-E-N and has always wanted to be me.  So fucking obnoxious.  I was unprepared or I would have yelled out, “just get on with it.”  Ugh!  A small thing, I mean, I really didn’t give a fuck, but still, it was a major invasion of my privacy.

#2 - My own father didn’t call me when my mom died.  How petty!  And then, just a few days ago, my niece, his granddaughter came through. She called and I called him and I guess he just wasn’t into having a visit so he just ignored all phone calls.  But if I ignore his phone calls, he goes ballistic.  Whatevs

I have a whole new thought process when it come to family.  To me, family is a connection that is DNA related but after that, it’s what you make of it.  

#3 - My friend and I planned a trip to the Caribbean and then she started trippin’ big time!  I wanted to come back a day later to save money and she begged me to just keep things the way we planned because of her religion, she said she couldn’t fly back that one day later.  So I kept it and ate $35 (which she said she’d give me but, of course, she never mentioned it again).  However, turns out that she booked her ticket to arrive back home 2 days LATER!  Why?  Well, she invited another person on our trip without even consulting me and that person was coming back 2 days later.  Then she invited yet another person, also without consulting me.  So now, instead of 2 people in 2 bedrooms, there would be 4 people in 2 bedrooms with each person sharing a motherfucking BED!  I put my foot down!  Hell no!  

Where we’re going is so cheap that the other two people should have just booked their own accommodations.  But that’s how she is.  Extremely dramatic, emotional and impetuous.  Even after I booked my ticket, I was thinking, “now, what can go wrong?”  I should have known!

And, what’s more, she told me that she was going to be hanging out with other people on the island who share a particular interest that she has.  Of course, she wasn’t able to make that connection.  But it sounded good right?  She’s so important and has these friends here and there.  Turns out, she can’t even get in touch with them.  But I’ve already created an agenda of stuff I want to do because I didn’t want to be twiddling my fingers and all alone in a foreign country.

But since her plans fell threw, she suddenly expected me to drop all my plans and make plans with her.  In the meantime, I decided to take my camera and get some good photos and maybe put up an exhibit in my (new) building.

Anyway, we had a major argument on the phone.  Then she ignored my texts.  Then we spoke again and she hung up on me!  What!  I just blocked her phone number.  Screw her!  She’s incredibly arrogant and narcissistic.  I mean, I knew this but I never thought it would come into play with us.  We’ve been friends since the early 90′s.

All I can expect is more stupidity from her.  We’re on the same flight and I KNOW she’s going to act stupid and arrogant before, during or after the flight.  That’s just how she is.  She always acts like she’s an authority on everything  - - even if she just learned about it!

Whatevs.  I’m just hoping to take some awesome photos.  It would be nice to meet a guy but the island is filled with piranhas.  

I did a chart on the my international travel since birth and I haven’t been out of the country since 2010, the longest span ever, for me.  Yeah, been stuck in a motherfucking ruck of illness and poverty.  Hopefully, this has all changed.  But I am a bit scared of how my illness will affect me.  I don’t tolerate heat well anymore.  My stomach is super sensitive and I shouldn’t eat gluten.

Oh well, fingers crossed!

[ethiopienne]

How Ethiopian women are keeping an ancient ritual alive—even when they’re far from home

How Ethiopian women are keeping an ancient ritual alive—even when they’re far from home.

For Ethiopian and Eritrean people, coffee is not just a caffeinated drink. Buna, as the ritual is called in Amharic (or boon, in Eritrea’s official Tigrinya) is a fixture of daily life. It’s a cultural lifeline, a reminder that some things are uniquely ours, some customs are worth the time it takes to complete them properly.

I grew up in Southern California, only returning to the country of my parents’ birth once every several years. But no matter which side of the Atlantic I found myself on, I derived immeasurable joy from watching my grandmother, aunts, and cousins painstakingly prepare the drink, always after meals or alongside a savory snack. To prepare coffee in an Ethiopian household the right way, which is to say the traditional way, is no simple endeavor.

[pleasurenutrient]

I miss Ethiopian coffee.  It’s the only coffee I can drink.

[pleasurenutrient]

Too Many Assholes to Count

So I just got fired from my film gig.  The sad thing is that I’m actually relieved.  Literally no one on this entire film knew what the fuck they were doing.  It’s so easy to be a “producer.”  All you need is money.  But to actually produce a film requires skill.

There was nothing but bozos on this.  It was supposed to be such an experienced above the line team but when I did some research, I realized that just because you’ve worked for a long time in film, if you haven’t been a producer, your experience is worth shit.

There were so many problems on this film.  Even before the crew even started.  My particular problem came from no one listening to my voice.  And my assistant sabotaging me.  She was/is a world class sociopath.  To the point that I didn’t even argue with her at the end.  You can’t argue with a pathological liar and sociopath.  She was underperforming and didn’t seem to be able to handle the job.  I told the line producer  - - who promptly let her know.  Great.  Two assholes at once.  

Anyway, this chick thought she was super slick but I knew what she was doing.  I love feigning like I don’t know wha’s going on.  That’s when people really let their guard down.

Then there was the asshole AD, strutting around like a peacock.  He was completely clueless as to how to really manage a schedule that worked for all the departments.  And, for some reason, he just didn’t like me.

Whatever, I know I did my job with honesty and integrity.  It’s funny.  People say, that’s show biz, but as we see, bad behavior definitely bites back.  Just look at Harvey Weinstein.  And all the other idiots who acted like he did, thinking their bad behavior would never be discovered.  The world doesn’t work like that.  Karma is a bitch.

I was hoping to get paid to the end but honestly, sometimes something is just so icky, like doo-doo, that you just want to be rid of it.

[pleasurenutrient]

costume/wardrobe will be given a credit card and told to go shop for fabrics. You will be stitching together clothing items that are as close to the concept artists’ illustrations as possible, that concept artist may even be you.

crew job post

Really disgusted with the film industry on the indie level.  This job posting is just one example of assholish-ness.  It’s not clever, it’s just stupid.  I’m betting that the producer doesn’t know a flying fuck about making a film.

[pleasurenutrient]

Good Times

Snagged an super low paying gig on a film as a costume designer.  Normally, I’d NEVER take this rate but I’ve worked with this team before and they’re really fast and fair. By fast, I mean, the last film I did with them came out super quick and was screened in a theater.  These dudes are ambitious.  Hoping to hitch my star to theirs, if I’m honest.  You never know though.  Especially if they get into tv.  It’s so different.  The network really calls all the shots, not the director/producer.

Anyway, the gig is so low budget that I have no assistant.  Luckily, they found someone and agreed to pay her (shock) to assistant on the shoot and wrap.  She’s been awesome and offered to help me prep without getting paid.

Mom is in residential hospice.  The strain with my sister, who’s been living in hospice - - not ever leaving to take a rest, has widened.  It now includes her husband.  My sister is exhibiting signs of obsession compulsion.  That’s a fact.  She’s unbalanced. I’ve been spending the night in hospice and visiting whenever I can. No one knows how long Mom will be there.  It’s quite sad.

I’m disappointed that we didn’t get to give her natural alternatives fully.  The issue is that her pain is so great that they put her on methadone and morphine.  She started bugging out.  After a few weeks on methadone, they took her off.  She’s better but not the same.  She hardly eats and taking capsules is out of the question.

A parade of relatives have come to say good-bye.  That’s really awesome.  I wonder who will give a shit when I pass away?  My aunt is living in her house for a short time.  I can’t even tell anyone I’m on this film because, I swear, the last two times I told my aunt I was on a film, I got fired.    It’s the damndest thing! I’m totally paranoid that this will happen again.  

My mom was/is known for her “ugly” humor.  She loved to make fun of people and call them ugly and other names.  I found/find it reprehensible.  This one cousin that she hated (because, 2 decades ago, this cousin stole money from a newly orphaned cousin) is sending prayers for my mom.  

Both my mom and my sister have some really ugly ways.  The public never sees it.  I’m just glad that I try to at least be neutral.  I mean, yes, there are assholes I can’t stand but it’s normally because they’ve done something to me.  I never just hate on someone for no reason.

Now my mom and my sister are reaping what they have sown.  My sister has the worst case of eczema the doctors have ever seen.  And my mom has deteriorated esthetically.  I know it’s weird to write/read this but, in my mind, I’m seeing karma in action.

Best to be the light.  I was much more “light” until my illness started fucking up my head in 2008.  Now that I’m almost out of the woods, I really would like to be as full of light as I used to be.  I have a theory that nature can help me with this.  More on that later.

Anyhoo, I’m prepping a feature film, I was working alone until last week, visiting Mom, sub teaching (because I needed to keep earning money until I start getting paid from this gig) plus working my new gig as a chaperone overnight in hotels for kids visiting NYC on field trips.  Good times.  Whatever it takes, right?  

Wrong, I’m good at my job and SHOULD be working on a higher level for more pay.  So my resolve stays the same.  By 12/31/18, I’ll determine if I stay in the film business or work at Walmart and chill the fuck out.

[pleasurenutrient]

Film grain, as we traditionally think of it, is an artifact of the photochemical process, and simply doesn’t exist with digital cameras

Phedon Papamichel, director of Nebraska (feature film)

[pleasurenutrient]

Hardwired For Failure?

Since my mom has been in the hospital, I’ve been asking myself if my failure to thrive is related to when I was in her womb.

Because there’s no logical reason I haven’t had some measurable success in my life - - not with all the effort I’ve put into it.

My mom had a miscarriage and then a stillborn baby boy before me.  She was really upset, of course, and cried a lot after the stillborn.

I’ve always had the theory that when she carried me, she was frightened of losing another baby and therefore didn’t bond with me.  I actually participated in a study about children of mothers who had stillborns.

I came out grumpy and scowling.  I never smiled, always frowned.  My sister, on the other hand, who is younger, was a happy smiling baby.  My dad said that she was always laughing and smiling and was a joy.  

 My sister and my mom have a wonderful bond.  I think part of that is due to the womb experience.  After I was born and survived, I feel like my mom grew confident in her ability to give birth to a live baby.  This allowed her to bond with my sister in the womb.

And part of it is because my sister had a few abortions and now has no kids.  She herself has stated that she thinks of our parents as her children.  She feeds my mom and nuzzles her nose, just like you would do a baby - - even though Mom can feed herself.

My mom and I have never had a strong bond.  She was completely on point with nurturing me, supporting me, etc.  But she was never affectionate.  I didn’t even see that side of my mother until I was an adult.  She’s one of 13 so she probably didn’t get a whole lot of affection as a kid either.

My dad, on the other hand, Is an only child.  He was very affectionate.  I do feel like I have a bond with him.  The thing with him, though, is that he is disappointed in what I’ve made of my life.  So that causes me to be distant.  I don’t need that negative emotion.

Anyway, I really do believe the theory about my mom is correct.  Do children who are not nurtured in the womb turn out to be failures?  What if someone sat me down and said, “you’ll never ever amount to anything?”  What would I do?

I’d get a steady job - - something stupid like a cashier.  Keep my weed supply fully stocked and just chill until the lights go out.  Everyday, I’d go to work until retirement, get high and play on the internet.  No dreams, no aspirations, no plans.  Just a simple fucking life.

This year, 2018, is the year I decided whether to do that or keep striving.  10 more months until the big decision.  And, just to be clear, it’ll take more than a few low-paid film jobs to sway me.  Either I make substantial progress - - meaning I’m getting twice the rate I’m getting now and I”m working each month or it’s “the simple life.”

[pleasurenutrient]

Crime Against My Humanity

I spent time with my mom who is dying of cancer.  People keep asking me how I feel.  I realize that I am numb.  I am numb because I experience so much “pain” daily.  What do I mean? 

So much of what I experience in the world vibrates as pain.  A lot of it is about money and lack of achievement. 

Like the new film, Black Panther.  The director was one of 6 men I reached out to a few years about opportunities in the film industry - - it’s a long story but there was a connection through family.  Not one of the six got back to me.  So, although I want to see the film, it triggers pain for me.

Even something as simple as looking at fine art work.  That triggers a feeling of un-accomplishment, if I can make up that word.  

This table I’m writing on (even though I found it in the trash - - which could be a painful thought, but isn’t--- reminds me that I have a beautiful table back in “North Mississippi,” where I moved two years ago.  It’s in storage and that costs me $60 bucks every month and I no way in the world to get it to NYC.

The pain feels like the kind of pain you feel on Valentine’s Day when you’re single.  Silent, still, stark.  Speaking of Valentine’s Day, I realize that I am a victim of a crime against my humanity.  I haven’t had a man to love me since 2000.  Unspeakable crime against my humanity.  

[meanrunway]

Preen FW 2018

[pleasurenutrient]

Cancer

We got the news two weeks ago that there’s nothing else that can be done for my mom who has stage 4 lung cancer.

This has been a difficult 2 year journey.  First, we tried natural remedies including weed.  But it had already metastasized and she had painful tumors.  Then she tried an immunotherapy trial that worked at first, but stopped working in the summer. She did get several radiation treatments for the tumors.

Then she tried chemo but that was a failure.  Her white blood cell count kept dropping.  We did one more trial but that didn’t work.  Then, the unthinkable happened, in order to get into that trial, she had to have (another) lung biopsy.  They fucked up the procedure and she almost died.  So she had to get on oxygen and her lungs are now filled with fluid.

Of course, from the very beginning, I advocated for going to the famous clinic in Mexico, since the one natural oncologist cost $5,000.  She and my sister, who is her primary caregiver, kept saying that she didn’t have the money for Mexico.  I called bullshit.  My mom can buy whatever she wants to buy.  She bought a huge bedroom set, simply because her brother had the same thing.  Instead of NOT encouraging her to get it, her siblings encouraged her to get it, knowing that she had cancer. So stupid!  

I’ve tried to stay out of the fray and just let her enjoy life and do what she wants.  Now, we’re back to natural remedies and about to engage in hospice.

It’s been very difficult.  Especially now, not knowing when her time will be up.  My relationship with my sister has devolved into a extremely contentious relationship  - - it was already a disaster.

My biggest beef is that I tried to get my mom and my sister to think ahead to this very time, when mom would be incapacitated.  I thought she should sell her condo and move into the City.  Now we’re in pig shit because she lives outside of the City and my sister has been staying there, away from her husband.  My apartment is not set up for her because all my film stuff is all over and it’s just not safe.  I can barely move around myself and now “A” lives there too.

The renovations that my mom did on her condo has rendered the air quality poor.  I’m the only one who seems to be affected though - - of course, due to my chemical sensitivity syndrome.  So I can’t go over there.  I am here now though and I spent the night also last Friday, just because I would like to see Mom before she passes away.  But it’s making me sick.

In the meantime though, I’m realizing just how intense it is caring for Mom.  She needs help walking and going to the bathroom.  She wears special leg garments because her legs are swollen.  She takes medicine around the clock.  And of course, she’s extremely needy.  She always was.  

That might seem like an insensitive comment but just this morning when I was giving her breakfast our convo went like this:

Would you like anything else, tea?  

No

(Five minutes later)  May I have some tea?

(Then) Are you finished with your bagel?  

No.

(Five minutes later) Can you take this away?

I understand that it sucks to be ill.  I hope I die swiftly without suffering from an illness.  But if I do get sick, I am going to extremely mindful of my caregiver(s).  That just fits my personality anyway.  Super self-reliant and conscious of others.

[pleasurenutrient]

If you survive two traumatic things, you take a quantum leap in your spiritual self.

https://web.archive.org/web/20110604065934/http://www.time.com/time/magazine/article/0,9171,957579-2,00.html#ixzz56uNHOONP

I must be in the stars.

[purplebuddhaquotes]

Relax. You will become an adult. You will figure out your career. You will find someone who loves you. You have a whole lifetime; time takes time. The only way to fail at life is to abstain.

Johanna de Silentio (via purplebuddhaquotes)

Bottoms up!

[archiemcphee]

The Department of Incredible Inflatable Art has discovered its newest member: environmental artist Steven Messam, who created a series of awesome white inflatable installations in the remains of two 18th century buildings and atop a lake in the Borders Sculpture Park on the grounds of Mellerstain’s House and Gardens in Scotland. Entitled XXX, the inflatable creations are a nod to the marble sculptures originally intended to decorate the grounds of the house.

Visit the Borders Sculpture Park on Instagram to check out more photos of these playful inflatable artworks.

[via Colossal]

[pleasurenutrient]

Suicide or Strength

There it is.  Spent much of last night seriously contemplating ending it all; based on my past history of struggling financially and professionally and believing that it’s never going to end; that this is my mantle.

There is such a thing as being TIRED.  Being WORN OUT.  Having nothing to ASPIRE to.  

I realize that I am anticipating a big lovely change and when it doesn’t come, it really throws me.  I also rely heavily in the invisible world of unseen “helpers,”  God, Goddess, angels, ancestors, guides - whatever.  I DO NOT feel supported by this team.

Sure, I chant like crazy.  I had to take a 2nd job and the hours are 10pm-5am.  Plenty of time to chant.  I keep a written running record of blessings.  So far, since I’ve kept this record and have been chanting my heart out, I’ve gotten plenty of parking spaces for my car that I got for a $1 that doesn’t run well and for which I don’t have the money to fix.  Lots of free meals at the schools where I substitute teach where I am constantly being inundated with germs from the sick kids and the sick teacher whose place I’ve taken.  This matters because immune system is ravaged from a previous illness and STRESS.

So yeah, I’m grateful.  Why aren’t my blessings bigger?  Why don’t my blessings SOLVE my issues?

My undertone is one of bitterness.  That’s why I keep a running list of blessings.  So that I’m not perceived an ungrateful.

Anyway, I woke up and realized that, in order to get through my life - - whatever it looks like, I need to develop STRENGTH.  Mental strength to be able to handle whatever is thrown my way.

I need to STOP ANTICIPATING positive change and unseen assistance.  That shit is fucking me up more than anything.

So that’s my new list:  how on earth to develop STRENGTH when I really don’t give a fuck.

[pleasurenutrient]

1/1/FIRST

For the first time in my adult life, I didn’t do any cleaning or cleansing rituals last night.  I didn’t even meditate.  

I went to a gong bath, but afterwards, I watched several episodes of, “Numbers.”   I went to sleep at 9:30.

I do have several “goals” for 2018.  (I hate “resolutions,” yuck!)  But this was, by far, the least spiritual New Year’s Eve I’ve experienced.  

I’m stripping down my spiritual practices to one breathing technique and one chant.  I feel like, if all of the stuff I’ve been doing over the past few decades is not working then there’s no point.