So that thing just happened today. I was talking to her bf, which is both our friend abt some random stuff and something something happened.
Since this girl (who is formerly my bestfriend till she fucked off to who knows where and was suddenly wiped off of everything that assures me she's okay and still alive) is his girl now, i destroyed the thing that ties me romantically to said bestfriend. Guy said "thats sad" and i asked why bcs shouldnt he be happy bcs his gf is no longer romantically affiliated to me in a legally binding manner and she should be happy with it as well considering i was fucking abandoned and the next thing i know theyre dating???
and mind you, since they are in contact this entire time while im at my wits end trynna figure out how is she, if she's okay, and me asking the guy of her whereabouts, he said he was not aware of anything...(he has, the entire time, and watched me fucking go around in circles and pulling my hair out)
back to the story,
now the guy asks to call, i said no. He says she really needs the call bcs theyre at his house, trynna work on some school project of which they are groupmates, i said no. Bcs to begin with why tf???
noted that she's the gf, sure its reasonable or if not, still pretty common, to see the chatting whereabouts of your significant other
i point out if she wants to speak to me then fuckin do it herself???? why does he need to be the channel/mediator
guy says that i should talk to her because she upset and is overthinking it...... OVERTHINKING IT????!!???
I pointed out i was overthinking it all those nights i find out abt how she's doing these things that make me fear for her wellbeing but i cant do anything bcs of imposed limitations of higher familial positions, so im stuck in my room just overthinking of her wellbeing, her health, just her.
i also point out that this entire time i reached for her in every communication channel i could and still no response, and the news of them getting together i got from him directly, not from her. (and also to point it out, he knew of the existence of this legally binded document vut still gunned for her, and for her to do same bcs apparently the pursuance was mutual.....nice ......yay)
This guy is trying to mediate. he was failing miserably. Personally i just think he's a coward afraid of getting blamed.
Now apparently the girl is crying....I thought i was going to care more, maybe have a bit of compassion but surprisingly, i felt nothing. Maybe its from the shock of being technically cheated on, or getting betrayed, but later on i have discovered its because she has triggered multiple of my traumas, specifically: abandonment.
being left in the dark
the silence of uncertainty
tiptoeing and trying to gauge the situation so i can fix it even though its not my responsibility
knowing nothing is fine but pretending it is
Guy asks me a favor which is to reply to her... i asked him has he replied to any of my messages in the multiple platforms i have reached out for her in. He said thats between the two of you and that its not his place to meddle
Bullshit
He is meddling if he is doing shit on her behalf, and even if it wasn't on her behalf he was doing it for her. IS THAT NOT FUCKING MEDDLING.
i told him its not his business nor place to be doing so, as our friendship (me and him) and our friendship (me and her) as well as their (him and her) friendship are separate entities that requires addressing individually and dont mix despite sharing mutual participants.
something something i told him if he just kept his mouth shut just like he did abt how she was these past few months, if he couldve just spared me the same grace as he did her (but then again, who am i to be that worthy) this whole ordeal wouldn't have happened.
He replied that he's sorry and should commit seppuku (jokingly)
He tells me that she's working through her issues and would like to make amends and is planning something and that she's sorry.
i tell him to look me in the eye abd to say that its genuine and to ask him who was he fooling (i dont care, because i wont believe it anyway)
He says she genuinely means it and says that he will not elaborate further to not ruin her surprise.
i replied that its as genuine as her "I'm fine"s (spoiler, she was not in fact fine). Case was concluded because and the guy had something to do. At this point i was kinda done with both of them
Later on, i see a message. Its from her, i didnt open it but i did see the contents through the notif bar and got the gist. Apparently she was waiting for me at our usual spot so that we can talk it through. I ignore, but later i put a lil note thing like the ones in IG, that says go away. She noticed and said that she will stay, i removed the note and said that right, since when did she listen
at that point i remembered a few things
-that time where she ate honey for her allergic reaction when i specifically, emphasized to eat sugar instead but she hated sugar. I am aware but i begged and told her it had to be sugar. I needed to summon another friend who i knew can get to her house fastest to bring her an allergen medication.
-that time i told her to not get that drunk around this specific dude ( i get it, i didnt specify, thats on me) but on april fool's she pretended to be drunk and she was with the dude. I knew she was lying bcs i can tell from her skin color and the other dude's reaction (thats another thing, a girl alone drinking with three other dudes, sure we're all friends, but yea you get the picture) but just the idea or suggestion that she is intoxicated around this specific dude was enough to send me to overdrive bcs
-that dude used to have a crush on me and i discovered he was a shitty useless asshole
-one time i was pretending to sleep, he hugged me and his hands were creepin but didn't quite actually committed to doing something that would be considered a crime (but still, it was creepy to the point i froze in that moment)
-that time i caught her with a blade trying to attempt and she said she was sorry for thinking it and that she wont do it again and i held her in my arms while she cried. I knew that wont be the last time
-lots of other minor things where i told her not to but she just had to fuck around and found out i guess
back to the story, Since i know she wont be respecting my boundaries anytime soon, i go to the guy, the bf guy. I told him to get her girl or atleast tell her off. He says he finna pull the card:thats not my business. I said something a card is worth more than her safety soemthing then removed it after then said neverfuckingmind. He said he did saw it and that he reads every single one of my messages. I told him thats great and good job
he asked what is happening, i told him that i trusted him to keep her safe hence why i am putting myself out of the picture and out of their way, because he's there now and he's more capable than i ever will.
Followed up with a "you know what, its fine"
This is where he puts his perspective
his perspective of wanting to do something, and wanting to say something because its right there but the girl says to trust her and he did that's why he's not doing anything, because he trusts her and her decisions and that he's watching her develop for good.
he says they have been together for a few months (i have only known of their entanglement for a give or take two weeks, she started withdrawing from our friendship for the past few months. Put two and two together that he knew this entire time and lied to my face and told me he knew nothing despite me asking, begging for anything that tells me she's safe and alive.) and if he meddled now and forced her to do something she will regret it'll be the worse first thing he'll do for her . And that yes, the card is in fact worth more than her safety because it has his trust in it
I replied with the last time i trusted her she was drunk and spending the night in one of the worst (dangerous) places i ever known. The time before that she slit her wrists (she said next time she should cut deeper to finish the job).
Mind you in that last time, where she was drunk, we were on call the entire time and i had very light sleep (surprised i even fell asleep at all tbh). sometime around 4:40 the call ended and the sound jolted me awake. I rushed out to that place, sneaking out of that godforsaken house, hoping, praying (i am not devout) that she's safe and nothing bad happened to her. I looked for her and her vehicle for hours, hoping and worrying for her wellbeing, even after the sun rose. I did not leave that place till she replied that she went home.
now this is where i got kinda pissed.
I told him to nevermind and that its fine.
he replied that she will explain it to me once i tried and listened to her and that she's sorry. And so was he for lying to me too.
BULLSHIT
ONCE I TRIED AND LISTENED????
MOTHERFUCKER I WAS WAITING FOR SOMETHING, ANYTHING AND GOT NOTHING. I HAD TO PICK UP THE PIECES BECAUSE I WAS LOSING MYSELF OVER LOSING HER AND NOW THEY GET TO HAVE MY TIME SIMPLY BECAUSE ITS MORE CONVENIENT TO THEM NOW????
I replied to him, and quote "A coward and a liar, i don't even know which is which. Have a good relationship and future"
I also apologized for the way i was acting because yes, surprisingly i still cherish both of them.
At this point i was thinking....a person who didnt want help and an enabler......that cant be good.
He said he understood, and that he only lied for her skae and he's seeing progress in her and that she's no longer a coward. Isnt that good?
i replied with so she goes ahead to do stuf when confronted, great job
he said yes, thats what happened.
i told him if thats what he recognizes as progress then great job. I asked would she have done anything had i not pointed it outif he jept his mouth shut?
he replied that she wont.
....meaning i wouldve been left for dead forever had i not said anything and that she wouldnt have done shit.
and thats another nail in the trauma coffin..if she was indeed getting better, and she was getting better under his companionship......then she was capable of changing..and it was either i wasnt worth changing for or i wasnt good enough to help her change. That all my efforts were for naught and i will never be good enough.
I further clarified my boundaries to the guy that if we were to retain the friendship and prevent more rifts from forming, we will not be discussing her bow would he be relaying any of her messages or her whereabouts to me (cowardly thing for me to do, yes, but at some point i gotta stop acting like a pathetic abandoned dog)
He agreed.
I did not go out and meet her, i stayed inside
she stayed till about two hours.
I continued doing my own thing. Had some fun with online friends, trying to kinda run it through My good friend, the only one i told, told me to let it go. Considering how if im so bad at making decisions to the point that she got worse under my companionship but got better with his, i let it go.
Now im in bed, writing all of this recap. I have neve gotten an urge to write something akin to a diary entry before, never had. Not even in my messiest situationships or my own father's death and everything correlating to that man .....but here we are.
I will still bake her that cake i promised last year for her birthday but i will not be interacting with her aside from dropping it at her house and handing it off to one of her siblings, preferably when she's not at home. A promise is a promise.
Im tired and honestly, im quite done.
