Little Writer; Big Big World @plotsjotsandespressoshot - Tumblr Blog

Pinned Post:

This is my main blog For Role Play, Ceramics, and Writing. All of my random stuff and OOC stuff typically happens on here so dont be surprised if you are an RP blog and I follow you from here. I just find it easier then having to log in and out on my phone.

My Ceramics - My own ceramics I make completely by hand

Ceramics Instagram

My Writing- Prose

All RP Muses Under the Cut

#My muses #Pinned post #RP muses

I feel like I killed my dog-I dont know how to make it through this.

I lost my soul dog yesterday. She was 16 years and 3 months old. I know thats a long life for a dog. People keep telling me that. They keep telling me I was a great dog mom. We were together for 16 years. She was there for me during my wedding, my seperation, finding out my ex was having an affair, my divorce. She moved across the country with me when my life was uprooted. I was able to be okay with my divorce because it meant that she got a huge yard to run in. I was able to keep going because she was there and she needed me.

She was my velcro. 16 years and I never went to the bathroom alone.

She developed bone cancer about three years ago and we had a giant mass removed- it came back and was to the point where it was already dragging because the Vet didn't want to operate on her when she started taking pain killers for her arthrisis. The past few weeks I've had to carry her up and down the stairs because she just couldn't and would fall when she tried. For the past few months I've been forcing her to eat. She was never super food modivated so that was hard. I cooked chicken and turkey for her every morning. Shes had 3 UTIs in 4 months and they were going to tell me to to an ultra sound of her bladder if it kept happening. But for what? More medication I would have to force her to take when she wouldn't even eat? It took about 30-45 minutes to get her to eat and take her pills. But that was fine. It was time we spent together. I was spending about $300 a month on her pills and medication. We missed two doses of her liver meds because I was unable to get to the vet. The vet told me that had nothing to do with it but I cant stop thinking about it.

Day before yesterday (When I made the choice to put her to sleep) She was acting so weird! She kept eating flowers even when I tried to pull her away from them.

What if it was the wild fires and thats why she was panting?!

She was finally eating food and her back legs just...gave out. And then gave out again. I held her up but she was just staring forward with half food falling out of her mouth. I dont know if it was a stroke or a seizure. She came out of it and went to bed for the rest of the night but I had called the vet to make an appointment for a quality of life or a euthanasia. She kept waking up and panting REALLY Loud. I didn't know which.

What if it was eating the flowers?

Yesterday morning we went for out very little, very very short walk (Old, arthritis and the smoke from the wild fires have made it shorter and shorter.) We got home and she went back to bed- she didn't eat most of her food again even though I had fresh cooked it and added treats and a shaker of cheese. Her eye on one side was drooping...like very drooping and I knew it had to be a stroke the day before. But of course by the time we got to the vet she was open again. She was bouncing around. She lay on her puppy bed with us and while we were waiting she let out the world gassyest fart.

What if she had gas and a tummy ache and thats what did it?

What if it was the wild fires and thats why she was panting?!

But she was also a 35 pound dog and 16 and a half. At the vet I tried to talk myself out of it. I explained what had been going on and our long term vet looked at me and said "Erika, these are all signs its time." The last time I was there for her first UTI the other vet and carefully asked me if I had thought about euphanasia because there liver numbers were up again.

What if it was those two doses of liver pills we missed?

She never looked like she was suffering cause she was one of those dogs "with make up" that are always smiling. She was bright eyed most of the time. She always always always bounced back. But she kept falling.

What if I should have taken her to the vet when she slipped and fell down two stairs but seemed fine?!

At the vet....I made the call. I wouldn't have if I hadn't called and decided in shock that the strokes were the end. My best friend was with me so I could hold her on the car ride because she HATED the car. I wanted to do at home but the truth was that I've been sick too and had some accidents lately that have depleted my bank account. I wouldn't have been about to shell out the almost $1000 for it and to be able to keep her ashes. I couldn't stand the thought of her just being GONE like she hadn't been here at all. I didn't want her to be alone...even if it is just her body.

Maybe she could have lasted another few days, another few weeks. Maybe this was the wrong call. What if she wasn't really in pain and that was just a tummy ache?! I can explain every little thing away but all of them together?

The vet brought her in and we had our time together. She was so happy because she always is when she sees me. I was giving her her favorate treat and I held the last peice back to give to her as she drifted off. The vet came in and we got her to snuggle on the bed with me. My best friend and I were petting her.

The SECOND they started giving her the sedative she was out. She didn't even wait until that dose was finished to pass out. Her tongue was sticking out. I've never put a dog down so I didn't know it would be that fast! The vet said thats normally a sign in older dogs that they are tired and ready to go.

WHY DIDN'T I GIVE HER THE LAST PART OF THAT COOKIE?! I WITHHELD IT FROM HER!?

A few seconds later, they gave her the shot and her snoring- her beautiful little heart stopped almost right away. She was curled up like a little fox on her bed. I hate myself. She trusted me so much and I killed her. I'm so so so so sorry. I did this to you. I killed you. I hate myself so so much.

Last night we watched some cheesy sci fi and my friend stayed with me until 11;30 at night. They are coming over when they wake up but they aren't a morning person. I woke up at 6 (Later then usual) and kept telling myself "Dont look dont look dont look" at the corner where her bed that we took to the vet was. I was fine...sad but fine for about 20 minutes. Then I started having panic attacks. It hasn't stopped for three hours. The house is so quiet. I took a walk with the little fur shaving they gave me but I kept seeing the dogs we meet up and walk with and started bawling and panicking even more because they know I killed her. I set up a little shrine and lit a candle for her this morning.

I dont date. I dont have a partner. My family isn't close and we kind of hate eachother. So many people have commented and texted me to say they're sorry and I know they mean it. She was the kind of dog that went every where with me. I used to take her to the office with me and she would walk around and check on people. My friend in the UK did a little alter for her too.

How am I supposed to go on know that I did that to my best friend?! How am I supposed to move on when there is nothing to move on to? How do I breathe when my chest is so tight. I've been begging for a sign. Show me that you're okay? I need to know that you forgive me. That you made it where you're going. I know its only the first 24 hours. I dont know how I'm supposed to survive another 24...or another...or another....

Please forgive me Minion. Please I know I made a mistake and I should have waited to see if you felt better after a few more days. Please please please forgive me. I love you so much. I can't do this without you.

#tw pet lose #tw death

matchafigs

my little space

Worst day of my life. I already miss her so much.

I.might be scarce for a few days and just here and on discord to chat. I'm taking minion in for an end of life exam today at 3om and I think it a time to make the call.

Distractions will be needed but focus might be non existent.