this is more of a collection of thoughts i guess so dont read if you dont wanna.
Very recently I've come to a conclusion, i just don't think I'm meant to be alive.
i imagine this would probably be labelled as being suicidal or my depression's come back for a shitty sequel but i know things have been absolutely awful in the past and its just such a different feeling compared to then and as it stands i just dont think i should be.
Like I'm actively happy i'm trying to be a better person even if only a little a day y'know and idk.
I'm out of work and it's alright, i'm not in any immediate financial danger, my parents are supportive and encouraging me to find the right thing. I managed to get myself two college degrees and im happy with that and its still just why.
Apologies to anybody reading this but this is as close as im gonna let myself to having a proper whinge about the issue so tough luck i guess, if anyone does read it.
its judt really fucking weird i feel like im breaking a bunch of moral laws just by living the way i am and by not accomplishing enough and its just iaifiibifiskrkibisiekigibiidiwofo
the best i can describe is just weird, overall i think inam quantifiably better than i was, i did cut myself twice but ups and downs i guess.
side note because this really is just written vomit in a tumblr post my grammar fucking sucks here and i also have a really posh reading voice in my head for this and i think it might he helping me write this.
idk it sucks arse because i still just dont have any fucking motivation to do anything, doesnt matter what it is ir how happy it would make me doing it its just blegh
maybe i just have a really skewed image of this because of how violent my depression was and much more overtly(?) suicidal i used to be.
maybe its now that im in this new environment so to speak its still just the same problem but things are dialed down more and its hard to tecognise it because of such a large contrast.
idk but i think thats gonna be it for now, for writing anyway
