Perfectly human

Proud feeler of a lot of feelings with a big mouth and a bigger heart

[cherishedproperty]

What am I even doing anymore?

Do you ever know that you are in desperate need of self-care but have no idea what specifically you need? 

I have tried sleep.

I have tried new experiences (to up the odds of meeting someone).

I have tried orgasms.

I have tried healthy foods.

I have tried unhealthy favorite foods.

I have tried time with friends. 

I have tried allowing myself to stay on the couch and watch political news on the YouTubes (yes, this is a thing I do). 

I have tried running (RUNNING…wtf).

I am just all knotted up inside. I can’t focus on anything. I feel exhausted from the moment I wake up. There are a million thoughts running through my head, and I can’t hold onto any one of them. I’m trying. I am just not sure what it is I really need right now. I have mountains of work to do this weekend and have done exactly zero of it. There’s a lot of turmoil going on for me right now—not all bad, mind you. The new job is a good thing, but I have to tell my team tomorrow that I’m taking a new role, and so that’s going to be one anxiety-driven moment after another. I just feel like I’m barely keeping my head above water. Working twice as hard to get half as much done as I usually do. I need to recharge, but all my usual paths feel blocked.

I’m really, really trying to date someone right now. I’ve been ready to meet someone for a while. But I have had almost zero luck finding someone I want to date. And given that I’m looking for a D/s relationship primarily with a woman or nb person, it’s an exceedingly small dating pool. And I’m really not sure how to access the pool in the first goddamn place. I’m on dating websites, including lesbian-specific ones. I’m cruising butch/queer/lesbian groups on Fet to see if anyone is local. I’m going to gay bars (okay, it was the one, and I went once, but it totally counts). All I know is, if I stop actively trying and actively putting myself out there, it’s never going to happen. Even if I became more open to dating men, I’d have to do this. Because Dominant people don’t just show up at your doorstep. So people keep telling me. But right now the loneliness feels heavy, and it’s sucking up an overwhelming amount of my energy. 

I think what I need most right now is someone I feel fully comfortable being naked with and snuggling with. To feel skin on my skin. Hands that care for me and want me and make me feel safe. The weight of someone’s body on mine and their breath on my ear. Not sex, but physical intimacy. I miss it more than I can even find words to explain.  

Though I think it’s also bigger than that. I’m not sure who I am right now. I am a submissive who has only felt flickers of that connection in more than 18 months. I am discovering more about the wlw side of myself but also being utterly confused by the politics of it all and where I fit into it. I don’t want to be alone anymore. But I am not sure exactly what I’m looking for anymore or where I would find it. Maybe this is part of finding myself, but right now I just feel lost. Untethered. Adrift. It’s hard to feel motivated to keep moving when you aren’t sure if you’re actually getting anywhere.

Anyway. The mountains of work are still there. I need to summon up either the focus or the panic to make myself get it done. It might be the one thing I can actually get right in my life right now.

[thoughtkick]

“I still catch myself feeling sad about things that don’t matter anymore.”

— Kurt Vonnegut

[dominant-dominion]

If I can help or save one person. I'll be happy.

[kafaminguzelligi]

[boysaresuicidal2]

I was never joking to begin with

[thoughtkick]

“Never apologize for being sensitive or emotional. Let this be a sign that you’ve got a big heart and aren’t afraid to let others see it. Showing your emotions is a sign of strength.”

— Brigitte Nicole

[quotemadness]

“It is easy to disappear when no one is looking at you.”

— Kristin Hannah

[danger]

[mugicha1]

[photografya-deactivated20230917]

[rockyhorrorpicturechic]

when you see a cat outside and try to pet it but it runs away

[thoughtkick]

“You said you didn’t want to lose me but you weren’t even trying to keep me.”

— Unknown

[dankmemeuniversity]

[dreamameme]

[teegzz-deactivated20170105]

Damn tinkle winkle got deep

[livelegatolagrange-deactivated2]

Isn’t that Po?

[aksldhfgaajdshgaslg-deactivated]

Does it matter?

[squidbot-deactivated20161114]

does anything matter anymore…

[thoughtkick]

“If you look back only at your mistakes, you’d think you were an idiot. If you look back only at your wiser choices, you’d think you were infallible. But if you look back on everything, you realize you’re a human being who has been through a lot, grown a lot, is always still learning, and improving as time goes by.”

— Doe Zantamata

[sensitivesuggestions]

I crave love in the most innocent of ways, I crave to say goodnight, and give forehead kisses and overly tight hugs. I want to lay beside you, and be wrapped around you. As nothing more and nothing less.

[90svoorhees-deactivated20230616]

Yeah sex is cool but can you actually show me you care about me