❝ SAY NOTHING ! ❞ ernesto finds himself blurting out , even though silence is fuel for a mind that is already struggling to stay afloat ⸻ the fuel it needs to let it spiral further . but is it not what he deserves ? all of these monstrous acts he has COMMITTED , all for his childhood friend to somehow gloss over his sins as though they could return to the past .
as if that could ever happen .
in truth , a part of him is DISGUSTED that he would rely on someone so much and let him weaken him to the point of folly . in truth , a part of him wishes he never met héctor rivera . maybe then he wouldn’t stand here , feeling as though every act from the younger man seems to plea: ‘ give him back . give him BACK to me ! ’ but what is there to give back ? life has changed them both , hasn’t it ? life was so perfect when they were children because he was all that hopeless , tiny little orphan knew . and that orphan was all he knew as well .
he’s lost count as to how many times he’s hurt him , all for the sake of feeling as though he could have the RIGHT to exist , even if it was for the sake of someone else … why run back to someone like that ? why run back to something so broken ; so COWARDLY ? unless … he was still that childhood hero in héctor’s eyes . an illusion he feels he must save him from , even if it hurts .
❝ say nothing . do nothing . i know what you are doing . everything you’ve done up until this point has been an effort to get back what you have LOST , ❞ says ernesto , back turned towards the other . ❝ i apologized for hurting you . you apologized for hurting me . but … i’m not … nesto anymore , héctor . every time i say that , you refuse to listen to me . and that’s exactly why i need you to stop LOOKING for him . i need you to look at me . me , who wanted you dead . i poisoned you because you left me behind , and it hurt . i wanted the world to forget you because i wanted you to feel what it felt like . i would’ve let you and miguel DIE here . i’m not … some hero . i’m not cool . i’m not strong . i’m not charming . i’m just … a nothing . that would kill if it meant never ending up alone . there’s nothing to go back to . there’s nothing to say . ❞
❝ what’s wrong with that? what’s wrong with wanting to go back to the way things were? the way things used to be? ❞
héctor wasn’t entirely naive. he was cognizant of the fact that he sounded, for lack of a better word, deranged. deluded. reckless. he was reckless in his actions and now, reckless in his words.
ernesto was right; after what he had been put through by himーchildhood friend or notーno one in their right mind would speak the way héctor was speaking. feel the way he was feeling. so desperate for a connection with him, starved for it, even. yet, as early as six months ago, he couldn’t imagine feeling this way at all.
100 years before, when héctor found out ernesto pilfered his songbook off his body, striking his name outーmaking it as if a héctor rivera never existedーhe felt everything he should have. disgust. fury. betrayal. ernesto tossed him out, and he spent those 100 years refusing to let go of that bitterness & resentment. he would have gone to his final death hating ernesto, convinced he & he alone was the reason that this was happening to him.
the revelation about the true nature of his death provoked the same reaction; rage. he was so full of fury that he, for the first time, threw himself at ernesto in a fit, determined to rip the vertebrates of his spine or wound him in some way, even as his own body was barely being held together. once again, it was all ernesto’s fault.
it wasn’t until his reconciliation with imelda, aided by miguel, that he realized something. several things; he realized the extent of how he hurt imelda, he realized the role he played in his own misery, but most of all he learned that nothing is more important than family. and ernesto... ernesto was his family. ernesto had helped raise him. before imelda, before coco, ernesto was the only family he had ever known.
he was hesitant at first, after everything that happenedーbut after héctor took initiative to approach him, and the two men started the long & painful road towards truly reconcilingーhe had hope. hope that they could have the sort of relationship they used to have. hope that things could at least somewhat go back to ‘normal.’ a new normal, but... normal. and now that he had hope, he couldn’t let it go.
❝ you say you don’t want to end up alone, but you keep pushing me away. do you realize how backwards that sounds? ❞
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