How to Break the Cycle of Depression
PS: Today, the day I wrote this, I tried to get out in the sun more than i felt i could and do a few small chores today to keep me going even though I felt like I couldn’t move, and they helped pull me out of the worst breakdown I’ve had in months. My point is, don’t stop trying. You can help yourself. You are strong.
How to Break the Cycle of Depression
Studies have shown that regular exercise can not only fill you with endorphins and lift your mood in the short term, but also make you feel more energetic in the long term.
Studies have also shown that meditation as a daily practice can help you clear your mind in the face of anxiety and bring more awareness to your life.
I know that sounds reactionary, but I know you’ve felt that way. I’ve felt that way. The unfortunate truth is that the studies are true. Exercise, a better diet, meditation, yoga, and all of that have huge benefits in the short and long term. What articles on those studies ignore, is that it’s fucking hard to get off your ass and do ANYTHING while you’re depressed. Imagine you’re feeling your absolute worst; maybe a day where you can’t stop sobbing, a day where you weren’t able to move, whatever; you think you’re going to be able to get up and go for a run?
Do you think that’ll be the way to break the dissociative, catatonic state you’re in where every thought contributes to the overwhelm that’s keeping you there? FUCK NO.
But “fuck your excuses,” right? As anybody that’s run their way to better mental health will tell you, it’s just a matter of “taking that first step.” But they seem completely unaware of the fact that some people’s first step is a lot smaller and shorter than the step of others. Yes, exercise helps, yes cooking for yourself helps, yes meditation helps, and yoga, and dancing, and a regular sleep schedule. But sometimes those things are the goal and not the first step. Actually they should be the end goal for a lot of people. Things like that are easy, sustainable systems once they are worked into a routine, but not everyone can start with that.
When you’re severely depressed, it is hard to break the cycle. Everything you do, from getting take out food to sleeping too much/not enough, only perpetuates your state of depression. I know this shit from experience. And I know the struggle for hope that there has to be something to wake you up and break up the suffering. There is. But it takes strength and awareness. When you’re that down, you have to identify the small things you can do that work for you, easy things you can do to start building yourself up brick by individual brick. You will have to start as slowly as is necessary, but each thing is a step to more energy and a small step out of the hole. When you’re that down, no one should expect you to go on a run, but maybe someday you will be able to.
When I’m at my worst (ugly crying, suicidal ideation, consuming fatigue, the works) sometimes the only thing I can do is sit in the sun and cry while having a cigarette instead of cry and smoke in the shade. That’s how small of steps I’m talking about. Infusing positive habits in your life one milligram at a time. Because, let’s be real, a lot of the time we’re only strong enough to lift that one milligram.
One warning: be careful of rampant-self-care association, or RSCA. This is a condition made up by me to describe the over-attachment to any activity that helps abate the pain and then assigning it the title self-care. Chain smoking is not self-care. Binge watching netflix is not self-care. Drinking a bottle of wine by yourself is not self-care. But I get it. These activities work to bring us out of our slump at least a little bit, and sometimes you’re desperate for even the tiniest bit of a break. However, when allowed to get out of hand, these things can lead to negative long term habits of escapism and ignorance of your emotions (let alone the potential physical consequences of tobacco and alcohol.)
This is where slowly building positive habits comes into play. Not only can that action work to create a positive, sustainable routine, but it can also transform these negative habits into actual self-care, which is a valid concept and does help. But this starts with identifying those habits. The ones that feel good at the time, but in the back of your head you know they’re not good for you.
Everyone has their own shit, but let’s use the examples mentioned above. Like I said with cigarettes, chain smoking happens. But maybe each time you have a cigarette, try to sit in the sun for a little while. Then, maybe a few tries later, start taking short walks in the sun, or even just standing up and shuffling your feet. Next steps include taking actual walks in the sun while smoking, slowly cutting back on cigarettes, and eventually you’re going outside more than you ever would have otherwise. Maybe you’ll even get to the point of enjoying a hike occasionally and not smoke at all, but that’s the goal, not the first step.
Or the ever-popular netflix binge. It is a great addiction to escapism. Really though, escapism is a great tool when all you know is depression. However, when you start escaping 75% or more of your waking hours it just perpetuates a cycle of neglect, of your body and of your emotions. This postpones the important work you should be doing while depressed, work that will help change your situation. But, again, I get it and have been there. Sometimes it’s the only thing you can do. So, try and switch to a comedy, a less serious drama that doesn’t affect your mood, or maybe even one that peaks your artistic interests. Try to make binge sessions shorter until they are only there when you really really need them. Try shows with shorter episodes, maybe switch to happier movies, and maybe some day documentaries. Eventually you can reserve netflix for when you’re bored and need something to occupy your energy, watching one movie or a few episodes of a short show. Or you can turn netflix into a more social event, watching your favorite shows with friends. But, again, that’s something to build to.
Alcohol is a tricky subject. Alcohol can be nice. Again it sometimes takes the edge off of what you’re feeling. It can also make socializing (an important part of breaking the cycle of depression) so much easier than when you’re sober and crippled with anxiety. However, alcohol is a depressant, which is dangerous to consume when you’re already depressed. But, doesn’t it feel great to just relax a bit and settle down? That’s a completely valid desire, but alcohol is not a safe way to do that. Try to cut back on how much you consume until maybe it’s just nice to have one drink instead of three. And if one drink doesn’t do it, have some chamomile or lavender tea, which are great for relaxation. Try to experiment with other things to consume that cut back that feeling, maybe after having one glass and then a cup of tea, eventually just the cup of tea will work. Eventually, maybe drinking will only be social and not a form of escapism.
If you start changing bad habits into good ones, maybe you can start touching on the really good ones. One of my favorite positive habits is meditation, but often it seems like a chore someone told me to do as opposed to something low pressure and helpful What I do instead, to try to build a small foundation up to meditation, is conscious breathing. I start out doing it when I’m panicky, bringing my focus to the count of my breath. Then I start doing it a little longer and more often, not only when I’m panicky. This way, for a few seconds at least, all I have to think about is my breathing. I get the break I long for without it being so overwhelming as the thought of meditation can be. Maybe one day I’ll start meditating for an hour every day, but that’ll hopefully come a little later.
But the one aspect of adjusting your routine that we haven’t talked about (and perhaps the most important one) is a combination of understanding and acceptance of yourself. If you experience chronic depressive episodes, or even ones that last months and months, you’re going to drop back into the cycle. Good habits only get you so far when suddenly you’re hit over the head with emotions again. Understand that it’s ok that you’re back to that place. Understand that you might not be able to start with you’re positive habits right away. Forgive yourself for being in the cycle for a little while. It makes sense and is completely valid. You won’t always have the strength to do what’s best for you.
All you can do is try a little bit (after a rest) each time. Imagine you’re climbing a mountain where at the top is your ideal, healthy routine filled with good food, exercise, and all that, and at the bottom is the worst of the worst. When you have moments of extra energy, try to slowly build to positivity; again it’s a tough climb, so pace yourself. Slowly change your bad habits, and slowly incorporate positive ones. When the bad moods come back, you might be knocked down to the bottom again, but that doesn’t mean you can’t work your way back up again. It might even be a little easier since you’ve had some practice.
Every time you fall, you have the opportunity to climb again, and each time, climbing will be a little bit easier. You might start to go further than you ever had before. Maybe the time between falls starts lengthening. The more you practice it, the easier it will get and the further you’ll get. Eventually, you will be able to play with routines that are good for you, the ones all the studies talk about. Maybe you’ll be able to start exercising regularly, meditating, gardening, or doing yoga. But know that if your mood changes, and a week later you can’t even consider doing these things, that’s ok. These things don’t happen overnight. But if you focus on the small steps, you will build the strength to get there. Being down is not easy, but neither is the climb. If you’re strong enough to endure the lows, you’re strong enough to get to the top. It just takes time.
Do what’s right for you. Everyone is different and wants different things. If exercise isn’t jiving with you, maybe try and find a creative outlet and slowly work that in. Start with journaling, buy a cheap instrument, write poems that make no sense. You can build toward whatever you want. Maybe one day you’ll have a garden. Maybe one day you like camping. Maybe one day you’ll like school. It’s all about identifying your particular habits that need adjusting and identifying the goals you want to achieve. Meditation and yoga aren’t the only options. Maybe you’ll start making a smoothie in the morning as breakfast, a habit that might one day grow into making all your food yourself. This is your life. Build a mountain you want to climb.
