richard siken, in pithead chapel

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祝日 / Permanent Vacation
Today's Document
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Xuebing Du

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@poeticallyvacant
richard siken, in pithead chapel
siken quotes i like to keep in my pocket
‘so maybe i wanted to give you something more than a catalog of non-definitive acts, something other than the desperation’
‘take a body, maybe / your own, dump it gently. all your dead / unfinished selves and dump them gently’
‘i think i’d rather keep the bullet this time. it’s mine, you can’t have it, see, im not giving it up’
‘when you bang your head on the wall you have to remember / you’re on both sides of it already but go ahead, / yell at yourself’
‘a man takes his sadness down the river and throws it in the river but then he’s still left with the river’
‘tonight you’re thinking of cities under crowns / of snow and im staring at you like ‘im looking through the window, counting birds’
‘i had to make up all the words myself. the way / they taste, the way they sound in the air’
‘please keep him safe. / let him lay his head on my chest and we will be / like sailors, swimming in the sound of / it, dashed / to pieces’
‘i’ll be your slaughterhouse, your killing floor, your morgue and final resting, walking around with this bullet inside me’
‘i ran and i knew you wouldn’t catch me. / you are a fever i am learning to live with, and everything is happening at the wrong end of a very long tunnel’
‘i clawed my way into the light but the light is just as scary. id rather quit. id rather be sad. it’s too much work.’
‘someone once told me that explaining is an admission of failure. im sure you remember, i was on the phone with you, sweetheart’
‘and the tug of a simple / profound sadness when it sounds so far away’
‘here is the repeated image of the lover destroyed’
feel free to reblog with more!
dreamt I showered with an ex lover
only
it wasn’t in the past.
could we both come clean,
until the water runs clear?
I dream of meeting you again
I dream of hoping you redeem yourself somehow
I dream of you hurting me over and over again
I dream of you crying and telling me you love me
I dream of you wishing I didn't hate you
I dream of not hating you
But throughout all the universes,
never does it work.
never am I enough.
Never
all they ever want from me is carnage
I will not be your medium rare
I am what I am
comprised of details and commas
accept me for all or none
do not dangle in between
my heart knows no gray area
Dazzle me with wit and warmth
draw me in and set me ablaze with lust
Push me out and make blood rise to my cheeks.
fill my stomach with laughter
and stanzas with eagerness and honesty.
crash down onto me with barings of
truth
that you will stay.
hold all phrases you’ve ever spoken to me
in your mouth.
Let them sit on your tongue
and glide down your throat.
any and all words.
if you can stomach them
then I will truly know you love me.
Speak me lies and watch your words turn to stone.
they rot inside you.
do not hesitate to understand
they will make their way out.
won’t you pretend a little, dear?
won’t you open up your heart for me to see inside?
bad things have happened, good ones too. But mostly bad.
my heads fuzzy.
and so are my thoughts.
stability is a word I have not yet learned the meaning of, and whether or not it exists is a mystery to me.
did seeing me yellow
in a hospital bed
make you hate me?
Did it make me love you?
Why are you the only thing I remember
Yellow arms
Fingers tracing my back
“I found this sunflower in a crack in a sidewalk”
“It’s like you,
Growing in places that are impossible”
“I’m yellow mom.
I’m really yellow.
Yes I am.”
Yellow like the sunflower you gave me
Eyes glowing green
Both eyes blackened
maybe it’s meaningless
a fickle coincidence
maybe it makes all the difference
I listen to my favorite band
and think about five years
I think about the first time you held me
I think I’m too used to that phrase
But I’ve forgotten what it feels like to be held
Really held
Nothings the same
The worlds on a tilt
I see it all slanted
All but
You
“My place is not Deliberate”
chest heavy heart heavy
If I only I could rewind
and live in one moment
I’d choose you
I’d choose you knowing
you wouldn’t choose me
one day you’ll find me with dark hair lips callused. You’ll ask me “isn’t enough enough?“ or maybe you won’t. Maybe you’ll spot me in a coffee shop, with hands as soft as my voice maybe you won’t.
Looking down into a coffee cup I do not dare to look up. bright red cheeks and bright red knuckles
from now on I shall write my poetry, save it, forget it, look at it a week later, revise and post.
I have plenty saved up currently so sorry for the spam. But I know that I’m writing this for me and no one else.
You found solstice in a woman who’s face was buried within my thighs None but a month before Will I fuck all those I love and hate? or do I just cum to find myself hating ones who have touched my skin? I wonder why I hate my body flesh skin and bone flesh bone and skin Flesh flesh flesh More flesh than I’d like. I hate my body for many reasons but letting you and him and them and her and him touch me hurt me then leave me has made me sick of this prison I need to redecorate the walls I need to set fire to the floors I cannot love this body therefore I cannot let anyone love this body