Lint Roller? I Barely Know Her
Product Placement
Peter Solarz
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I'd rather be in outer space 🛸
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Aqua Utopia｜海の底で記憶を紡ぐ
almost home
cherry valley forever
Cosimo Galluzzi
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official daine visual archive
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@pokemongeld
MY NAME, IS FRICKIN MOON MOON. I’D BE THE MOST RETARDED WOLF. ‘OH SHIT WHO BROUGHT FUCKING MOON MOON ALONG?’
White wolf COME ON
magic claw
sounds like a werewolf stripper
FIERCE BEAST THAT ISN’T A NAME THAT’S A DESCRIPTION THIS IS THE WORST THING EVER
OH SHIT WAIT UP I DID IT WRONG I'M ACTUALLY FIERCE VIXEN MUCH FUCKING BETTER
Smash ALL the gyms
After utterly destroying the Ecruteak guy's self-respect by having Blutsauger effortlessly one-hit KO every single one of his stupid ghost Pokemon, we set out for Olivine. A quick update on these magnificent bastards: We few, we happy few. On the way, we pick up this guy: Giftig: "poisonous" or "toxic". Might come in handy, who knows! He joins the growing gang in the PC. HILARIOUS GERMAN UPDATE:
Sondbonbon! "Sond" is "special", "bonbon" is - "bonbon" (HIGH LEVEL GERMAN HERE, FOLKS.) I find this delightful, because I am easily pleased by words that rhyme with themselves.
Note also the multilinguality of this game. I think my next Nuzlocke run, I'll see if I can find the actual German release of the game instead of a fanslation. Provided, of course, that this one doesn't rip my heart out. I'm already more attached than I should be to my team.
Anyway, we destroy everyone and everything on the way to Olivine (including a wild Magnemite we could have caught, damnit) then everything and everyone in the lighthouse, then everything and everyone on the way to the little island city (again, murdering a hapless Tentacool we could've caught. Get it together, you guys. No, don't.) Let's not even act like this guy was a challenge. Again with German and its affinity for caps lock. There are more examples of this, I just tend to be giggling too hard to remember to screencap. Come on, man. Don't - don't be the guy that says "lol" out loud.
We head back over the sea and wreck Jasmine's shit. She's actually a lot tougher than expected - her Steelix outlevels us by around 2 levels at lvl. 35 - but some prudent swapping in and out (plus the combined efforts of Schlaefrig's Hypnosis and Blutsauger's Confuse Ray) mean it doesn't do too much damage before it goes down. Notable updates: Spitze has now fully realized her badassery in the form of a glorious Feraligatr. I've decided to grind up Feucht (the Wooper from a while back) to add him to the team. Also, look what I saw!: Shinies friggin LOVE me this game. IN THE NEXT EPISODE: a fucking Gyarados!
What? Oh, that? That's just my Blutsauger destroying a gym leader single-wingedly without taking a single point of damage. You know. Nothing out of the ordinary.
Hours of grinding, feat. a gym battle
After the appropriate mourning period for our lost comrade had passed, it became clear that the next step was to destroy the gym utterly in her name. But first, it was necessary to get Igel in shape to join the team.
OH MY GOOD GOODNESS. (I actually don't care about shinies, particularly, but they are still cool to run into.) > not pictured: hundreds of hours of grinding. But Igel evolved into a Sandslash, and we were ready to face the Gym! What harrowing near-death experiences were in store? What terrifying monsters would we face? What - oh. EXCEPT CAN WE TALK ABOUT "PUMMELUFF" THOUGH. CAN WE TALK ABOUT HOW MUCH BETTER A NAME THAT IS. OH MY GOODNESS. Anyway, we destroy Whitney because look at that fucking Golbat, that is a nice fucking Golbat. Predictably: Holy shit, German crying onomatopoeia is - What? What the fuck is "heul"? I honestly don't even know what sounds this woman is making. SHE WAS BEATEN SO BADLY THAT SHE FORGOT HOW TO SPEAK GERMAN
The first great loss
THAT IS CALLED SUSPENSE, YOU GUYS. SUSPENSE AND FORESHADOWING. FUCKIN LITERATURE UP IN HERE.
So we get through the forest with a minimum of fuss, after hunting down that stupid bird and giving it back to its stupid trainers. Why the fuck does a Farfetch'd run away? YOU HAVE WINGS, IDIOT. Talk about your stupid goddamn birds. why are you carrying a leek around. do you WANT people to eat you. FUCK. Anyway. "Fest" means 'fixed' or 'solid', because all this little lady ever does is Harden. She goes into the PC for now. We emerge blinking into the sunlight in the first Proper Big City of the game - and, more importantly, the location of the Name Rater. I proceed to fuck around doing some housekeeping, none of which is particularly interesting, but I can now properly introduce y'all to these two! These guys are from before the Cave. "Igel" means "Hedgehog" and "Feucht" means "damp" or "moist". GERMAN: CUTE AND GROSS IN EQUAL MEASURE. After a dangerously close shave in the Underground with an Electric-type trainer, I decide to add Igel to the party full-time. Not pictured: ENDLESS GRINDING. Language Notes: In German, you use the same word for "friend" as you do for "girlfriend" or "boyfriend" (because every noun has a gender.) As a result, I have no idea if these guys are actually together, but if they are she's clearly not a particularly supportive girlfriend. NEW FAVOURITE INSULT. I have no idea what it means, but this guy clearly does not mean good things by it. And because it's apparently necessary for German to make me feel PHYSICALLY ILL every five fucking minutes: I JUST WANT TO KNOW WHY
WHY In the various new areas we now have access to, we also find these guys!: Schlaefrig: "Sleepy". Gefieder: "Feathers" or "plumage". Rosa: "pink" (I'm hilarious.) But it wasn't all celebration. Igel had just learned a new move - Giftstachel (literally "poison thorn") - when we ran into a Taubsi in the park. She was eager to try it out. As she wrenched her poison-oozing claws from the hapless bird's side, I threw a Poke-Ball to end the battle and ease the poor creature's suffering. The capture was successful! We celebrated - but something was terribly wrong. As we walked back toward town, it became quickly clear that not all was well with our new teammate Gefieder. Her wings fluttered more and more weakly as she gasped for breath. I searched my bag desperately for anything - a Full Heal, an Antidote, even a Psncureberry - to help her. There was nothing. I gave her every Potion in my inventory as we ran desperately back toward town.
It was almost enough. Goodbye, Gefieder. We hardly knew you. I'm sorry I let you down.
The First Language Interlude
I feel bad for anyone reading this for the Pokemon, to be honest. My beautiful team have taken something of a backseat to the beautiful German language. You guys! German is so magical! I know it sometimes seems like I'm making fun of it? But it comes from a place of love, and a deep and awed brand of respect-bordering-on-fear. Anyway, here are some sweet new words I found while murdering all the stuff that is to be murdered in the sleepy little town of Azalea! I highly recommend having a stab at saying them all out loud. German pronunciation is pretty intuitive, and even if you get it wrong it's still fun! "Grandpa pushed me down here!" Runtergeschubsten! German is famous for just jamming words together to make even better words and this is an example. Gör means "brat"! Again, delightful to say (it's like a verbal growl!) and even more fun when you put the "du" before it. German's the best language to yell at people in. This, I have no idea. In theory, "Alter" means "age", but I have no idea what the noun form means. Followers? Any of you better at German than me? (Protip: this is not difficult to achieve.) Is he saying I'm like... a new age in Pokemon training? HALP German reflexive verbs. I remember learning and hating those. I may or may not have included this "it hurt itself in its confusion!" slide to covertly point out that Kakuna is naMED KOKUNA IT'S CALLED KOKUNA DO YOU GET IT The German word for "confused" is beautiful to look at more than it is to say. Also, Beedrill is called "Bibor", which for some reason made me giggle like an idiot. Subsequent evidence re: German being the best language to insult things in. ("Stupid weak Pokemon!") Some other observations!: The Germans are apparently thoroughly into caps lock. I knew there was a reason I was drawn to this language. OH WHAT A STRANGE DIALECT OF GERMAN HAS APPEARED HERE ON MY SCREEN GOOD GRACIOUS. (Clearly this is a fan-translation, not an official German version of the game. But the first half of the conversation was in German and the English was a SHOCK. The swap felt like my brain-gearbox was breaking.) In ACTUALLY RELEVANT IN-GAME NEWS: 1: Everyone's on level 20 now! 2:
Cool, you guys! Cool!
The First Evolution
(CAN'T STOP WON'T STOP) I dick around in The Real World, doing boring shit like my taxes, because the game time is set so that it's night-time for most of my afternoon, and be damned if I'm running into one million HootHoots when I've got a chance at a Mareep. But finally, the sun rises over Johto, and we few, we happy few can set off on our journey of strength and hope and dange- OH SWEET, LET'S VANDALIZE SOME ANCIENT RUINS (I think that one's an E? Anyway, I named ... it... Fremd, which means 'strange'.) Fremd is going to stay in the party, because my big 3 are well and truly in the one-hit-KO zone on wild Pokemon. I'll Hidden Power everything to death. We set off down the next Route. I manage to catch a Wooper and a Sandshrew, but because I hit B by accident on BOTH nickname screens like an IDIOT, they don't exist yet, okay? Okay. Shhhhh. I am flawless. GERMAN LANGUAGE HIGHLIGHTS:
Remember how "Schwanz" means "dick"? Mainly it means "tail" apparently but - HURR HURR HURR HURR HURR HURR HURR H- no nothing suss I just remember this word from year 8. It means "special offer" and I was so delighted with it that I made it the bulk of what was in theory a reasonably complicated "make an advertisement!" assignment. My poster was pretty much just "SONDERANGEBOT" repeated in various different WordArt incarnations, with a picture of the product underneath. I did not do well. ANYWAY, on we went to - I'M SORRY PEOPLE BUT HIKERS ARE CALLED DICKAS DICKAS, PEOPLE okay I promise I'm going to talk about the actual game now. We go through the cave with zero difficulties! Notable: Geodudes are called "Kleinsteins", which translates to "small rock" and is ADORABLE. But on our way to the exit, something happens. Something strange. Spitze is standing over the battered corpse of a Zubat, snarling her adorable snarl, when suddenly she is enveloped by a strange and magical glow! The party stands back in wonder as her shape grows and changes, a wondrous metamorphosis of light. Finally the light fades and she stands proud and tall, a majestic Croconaw! What a beautiful moment! What a wonderful experience! How to articulate the magic and triumph of this moment? I'm sure the German language won't let us down- ... why
The First Gym
I promise the names will stop being "THE FIRST [x]" eventually. (I do not promise this.) I do my poking-around-the-town thing, because German is hilarious. Then, I discover the ultimate betrayal in the form of This Fucking Guy:
NO. NO THAT IS NOT HOW THAT IS DONE. NO. THE ONE THING I REMEMBER LIKE IT WAS DRIVEN INTO MY SKULL WITH A HAMMER IS "ICH BIN, DU BIST, ER/SIE/ES IST." THIS FUCKING GUY. THIS FUCKING GUY. (Obviously he's meant to be foreign or something, he speaks strangely in English as well, but I was still upset. If there's an acceptable context for "Du sein" I do not know about it.) Despite being badly shaken by this bullshit, Spitze, Schnabel and Blutsauger do a damn fine job of absolutely destroying every fucking thing in the gym. The only notable highlight is that Pidgeotto is called TAUBOGA in German. That is hilarious. It still goes down to one Biss (bite) from Blutsauger. Awww yeeaaaahhhh. Then, we are presented with a) an egg, and b) the most horrifying verb in the German language. Look at that word. Schlüpfen. But look at it. Feel the shape of it in your mind. Now say it out loud. Remember that an umlauted 'u' is a horrifying sound - line your mouth up to say "ooo", then say "eee" instead. Now stick the horrible damp sounds of "schl" and "pfff" around it. Feel your mouth flapping wetly around this verb like a dog's lips in a strong wind. Feel what it truly is to hate. Anyway, the damn egg -- hatches, fuck you German for ruining this moment for me. He's a cool little guy but I just... I'm still... I just... schlüpfen.
schlüpfen
The First Additions
Spitze and I set out for the first unentered area - that weird little thing at the bottom of the route from - the last town. (Pokemon geography is hard.) We immediately run into a Spearow Habitak! I am instantly concerned that Spitze is just going to murder it, because she's kind of like that. However! I like how German!Gold is actually impressed by your feat. Like, "Cool!" "Cool, you severely beat up then trapped a wild animal, in an almost certainly inhumanely cramped space! What - what the fuck, dude?"
We name him Schnabel, because that word is hilarious and means "beak". A theme is developing. > SO MUCH GRINDING We fight some trainers! > SO MUCH GRINDING We go into a cave! AWWWWW YEAAAAAHHH (Blutsauger means 'bloodsucker'.) > SO MUCH GRINDING We go to Sprout Tower!
In "phrases that are intense as FUCK", the Elder informs us that Pokemon are not "heartless war machines." Holy shit. Other things that are cool: "Flash" is called "Blitz", Escape Ropes are called "Fluchtseile". Grinding update: Blutsauger is level 14, Spitze is level 12 and Schnabel is level 13. Next up: THE FIRST GYM.You guys, I think we got this.
The First Leg
Got my Spitze. Got my random free potions from the guy (they're just called "drinks" in German, which is hilarious.) AWWW YEAAAH LET'S DO THIS, BITCHES. But first, we grind. Critical hits: the ultimate foe. I must know my enemy. Can we also talk about Pidgeys being named Taubsi? Because I can't actually deal with how cute that is.
I grind Spitze up to around level 10, because I'm paranoid and terrified of losing her she is so beautiful. Then on we go to Cherrygrove, where I talk to everyone and everything possible because German is hilarious and this game is hilarious in German. Me too, randomly exuberant lady! ME TOO.
We trek up through the grass to Mr. Pokemon's house, after visiting the Pokemon centre and being exposed liberally to the words 'kostenlos' and 'heilen' ('free' and 'to heal', for those playing along at home.) Then we trek back down. I was hoping we'd magically avoid running into Pokemon somehow so I could still catch one in this area, but no such luck. Whatever, we don't need no Caterpies. SUDDENLY, THIS ASSHOLE: NO, IT IS YOU WHO IS THE ... THAT. THAT IS - THAT IS WHAT YOU ARE. (It means 'waste of time'.)
Spitze kicks his ass. Just absolutely kicks it through the wall. His face is just pixels but I can feel the shame through the screen.
The question of what to name this asshole comes to mind. Generally I go with a variation on "fuckwit" or "cockwad" or (my personal favourite) "dickbag", but this is German!Nuzlocke. We need something appropriate!
Hurr hurr hurr. (Schwanz: "dick".)
IN THE NEXT INSTALLMENT: the first capture!
My Starter Is Chosen
Left to right, I assigned the Poke-Balls numbers 1-3. Random.org returned 2. The middle Pokemon it is.
KARNIMANI. I CAN'T ACTUALLY DEAL. JA INDEED, EICH. JA. INDEED. The precious little lady needs a nickname. I'll be naming all my Pokemon in German. Upon much deliberation: Spitze, for the spikes on her back.
Awww yeaaaaah.
Early Observations
1. I remember a fuckload of German. Like, holy shit. 2. German diction is precious and delightful. 3. This blog is going to be as much about me being fascinated by the German language as it is going to be about Nuzlocke. Delicious! Lemonade! (SMALL VICTORIES.) Look at this delightful fucking language. Next: MY STARTER IS CHOSEN.
IT BEGINS
I'm doing a Nuzlocke run of Pokemon Gold, basic rules as outlined (with the alteration that if I've already caught a Pokemon, running into it first in an area doesn't count and I can't catch it again.) I'll be picking my starter, and making any Important Game Decisions, using Random.org.
Also, to make things interesting, I'm going to play in my second language.
It won't be easy. I've played Nuzlocke before. It's always ended in either a tantrum about "fuck your rules I LOVE my starter I'm KEEPING IT", or crashing and burning around gym #4. I am relying on you, Internet, to keep me honest. To report the details of my adventure truthfully, I must remain true to the Nuzlocke spirit. There will be losses (there always are.) There will be sadness. There may well be regret. There will certainly be German. I will remain strong. I will believe in my Pokemon, and in myself. I will take this children's video game incredibly fucking seriously.
