my vomit bag

poems and ramblings

[politicallywannabe]

the bane of ‘beauty with brains’

Growing up, a phrase which was often thrown around me by my aunties was- ‘She’s growing up to be a beauty with brains!’ My chest would swell up with pride on hearing that as I had taken on the dual role of being beautiful as well as smart. I found myself nodding along to friends and teachers who segregated smart children from the beautiful ones on the basis of our marks and the outfits we adorned on Children’s Day. Coming from a typical middle-class Indian family, I was always taught how education is the only way for me to succeed in life, as we had no generational wealth to fall back on. It was evident which student I aspired to be. Keeping my head in books, my body grew in adolescence and subject to comments from everyone around me. However, a miracle had happened. I understood that a third category of children who had managed to intersect between the categories of being smart as well as beautiful. This was the next category I knew I had to be a part of. Effortlessly beautiful and a straight A student. A beauty with brains.

 All my school years were spent trying to be the exception to the rule of either being beautiful or smart, facing the double brunt of the stereotypes of beauty as well as the desperate need for academic validation to determine my worth. As I blew 18 candles this September, things were different. I had an epiphany. An epiphany so profound it shook the ideals I had built my entire life around. Why ARE women made to believe that beauty and smartness are mutually exclusive concepts? 

Throughout our lives, women are conditioned to believe that they can fit in either of these boxes and if we do manage to break through these boxes, being a ‘beauty with brains’ is treated as a rare exception rather than the rule. It is important to note that these comments are gendered comments catering to the image of a woman who can either be conventionally beautiful or intelligent. Never are cisgendered men subjected to a compliment which threatens the ideal of them being either attractive or intelligent. It is taken to be a de facto part of their being. The double standards come into play only for women.

 American sociologist C.H Cooley’s ‘the looking glass self’ talks about the stages of perception wherein individuals base their sense of self on how they believe others view them. In a society which puts forth the false narrative that women are naturally less intelligent than men, alters how women determine their self-worth and of the other women around them. The phrase feeds into the degrading way that patriarchy perceives women. It makes women skeptical of their perceived ability to be intelligent if they are taking care of their appearance. For years, I had done my best not to attract too much attention as I wished to be seen as a student who was only interested in her education. Moreover, it also fosters in women a sense of internalised misogyny which caters to keep benevolent sexism and its microaggressions in place. Thus, when one is faced with the dilemma of ascertaining whether ‘beauty with brains’ is a compliment or not, be rest assured it is not. If anything, it is a backhanded ‘compliment’ the cost which is the acceptance of a reality which systematically conditions women into constantly having to prove themselves and avoid being labelled as ‘dumb’ or ‘uptight’. Now the decision is ours: to smile politely at this comment or to question it.

[politicallywannabe]

my favourite word is okay

I think my favourite word is okay

right now, it is

I say okay when I’m excited emphasising the O and stretching the Y like Okayyyy

okay is also when i see an old friend drift away and decide to make peace with it

it’s the word which I use when i trust my intuition, my gut, when I meet someone new

it’s the pill that helps me swallow the lump down my throat when I’m being gaslit

okay- you haven’t always shown me the right way, have you ?

I uttered you when I was led into that dingy room when I knew my heart wasn’t in it

Swallowing my pride, I said okay even after they dismissed my words like they held no merit

but my relationship with okay is getting better.

now I use you to embrace all that comes my way. Now I use you when I preach to others-trust the process

The process is not going to be on your side every time

and every time it doesn’t 

I say embrace everything that comes in your life with a pinch of salt, you’re going to be okay

[politicallywannabe]

the week before college begins

The constant ticking which has been ringing in my ears is finally coming to an end this Monday. The last few weeks has been me finding healthy coping mechanisms to start college life with. I have not always been the greatest when it comes to dealing with anxiety. I would completely avoid competitions I thought I had no choice of winning. I would much rather waste an opportunity much rather risk failure. In this way, I have turned down debating and Model UN opportunities, ditched school rather than give a test I was not prepared for and lie incessantly to catch up on my schedule. Overall, the very thought of how my life had become frightened me. It did not help with the added pressure from my parents. A mother who looked at me as her 'golden child' after facing difficulties with my sister and a nearly absent father who was surprisingly always present during report card day. But this year, things will be different. After I made into one of my country's premier colleges I promised to be kinder to myself. No matter how difficult. I wrote a list of healthier coping mechanisms so I would be less harsh on myself. I wish to share that with whoever's reading this, in the hope that it may help you in any small way:

Listen to your senior's advice. Be consistent with your coursework. There is nothing more helpful than consistency, no matter how small the habit is. Read all the readings if possible and make comprehensive notes. This will help in building your critical thinking skills. You will thank yourself later. Remember, everyone is basically writing the same thing. It's up to you to make your work stand out.

Pay attention in class, online or offline. It's amazing how much one can get done just by paying attention in class. It's not as easy because we constantly have the option of looking at our phones instead. However, I think, I will try and switch my camera on so that I have to pay attention rather than look at my phone. You can try that too.

Embrace the journey. There will be ups and downs, but it is up to you what you do after it. Whether you cower down and move away from the challenge or you take it in your stride. I have struggled a lot with this and I hope to be better to myself and look at every obstacle as a learning experience and not deny myself opportunities because of fear,

Know your limits. It's easy to get carried away with the plethora of co -curriculars at your disposal. Understand that maintaining a good GPA is your key goal. But at the same time, explore fields you wished to but could not earlier. Nothing better than a clean slate that college provides.

Take care of your health. Getting enough sleep is one of the ways you can. Romanticizing a four- hour sleeping schedule will only do you harm. Moving in some way or the other such as light exercise is not only good for your body but also for your mind. Definitely drink as much water as you can daily.

Practise meditation and manifestation. Now, this is not synonymous with dissociating and daydreaming.  Intentional thinking and mindful actions have greatly helped me control my anxiety better and I hope to continue with it in college.

For me, I wish to give writing and drama a chance in college. I have always been interested in both but I was boxed into different categories in school. I will break through these boxes in college.

Now,  these are some of the thoughts I am taking with myself as I start college. I hope you draw some inspiration from this as well.I will be giving an update as to how I followed my goals :)

Till then x

[politicallywannabe]

the friend i let go

i always thought we shared something special, you and I

be it our birthday month or our parents’ wedding date

There it was, a connection so intimate

but this bond was only special in my eyes

I clung to the idea of seeing you for you.

I didn’t care if you only called me to talk about you, I was more than happy to be the one you called

but that night I realised this was not worthwhile

you barked at me, pointed accusations at me

and your fingers broke a little piece of me

a little piece of me that contained you

you.

you hurt me to my core

and stormed away feeling accomplished

at the tears rolling down my cheeks and dropping to the floor

that night, as I quietly sobbed in the washroom clutching my mother’s purple silk saree

I made a promise to myself

it was time to let go of the bond which once made me want to mend our irregularities

[politicallywannabe]

screentime

i write down in my notes, less than 6 hours- i promise myself

less than 6 hours will apparently make all my dreams come true

less than 6 hours will make dad look at me with pride in his eyes instead of disgust

but even less than 6 hours cannot suppress you

you are there every time i slouch a little in relaxation

reminding me of the next thing that im falling behind in

you show me every way i can be threatened my someone’s qualities

you fill my mind with poison when someone makes a better point, talks a little louder, gets more laughs

when someone takes away my spotlight

you show me that if im not the sun then my universe is doomed to be

you, self-doubt, are the afterthought that has become an old habit.

so i rely on you, screentime

you are the balance beam of my life

so 9h47 mins is the reason i deny myself meals and attach every inch of my self worth to my academic+co-curricular+service+social achievements

and 5h36mins, you’re the reason i take an extra bread for dinner tonight

you, screentime, are the balance beam of my life

[politicallywannabe]

my olfactory memories

i always associate my memories with smells

the smell of indian chicken curry transports me back to when my mother fed me with her hands on a Sunday afternoon

the smell of japanese cherry blossom perfume is a fragrant flashback to my childhood bestfriend and i dressing up for a grand affair

the smell of my 5 year old labrador’s paws is a redolent reminder of his arrival. my eyes welled up with tears because my love for him was uncontainable.

but this smell, i did not welcome you.

you plagued my brain with memories i had buried in the deepest crevices of my mind

that white dupatta with a sweet-smelling perfume

i opened my eyes and i was there in that same dreaded room

my teeth were chattering as water dripped from my wet hair but i could not lift the dupatta and face him as he touched me

12 year old me knew this touch was wrong. this touch wanted me to go back to the shower and take another bath 

the touch crept up my back, near my breasts and on my neck 

he was so close to me i could still smell the lunch on his breath 

i left the room smelling of soap and prayed that my olfactory memory would suppress 5 minutes ago 

but i look up and see my elder sister look at me with pity. a mutual understanding. an experience which brought me sorrow.

my olfactory memory, you betrayed me.

you broke the rose tinted glass you showed me the world through daily

today, my olfactory memory, you betrayed me.

[icarusgf]

“You still crave lemonade, but the taste doesn’t satisfy you as much as it used to. You still crave summer, but sometimes you mean summer, five years ago.”

— Alida Nugent

[politicallywannabe]

i crave for the summers when i waited for the lunchbreaks to run around in the garden 

[politicallywannabe]

screentime

 i write down in my notes, less than 6 hours- i promise myself 

less than 6 hours will apparently make all my dreams come true

less than 6 hours will make dad look at me with pride in his eyes instead of disgust

but even less than 6 hours cannot suppress you 

you are there every time i slouch a little in relaxation 

reminding me of the next thing that im falling behind in 

you show me every way i can be threatened my someone’s qualities

you fill my mind with poison when someone makes a better point, talks a little louder, gets more laughs 

when someone takes away my spotlight

you show me that if im not the sun then my universe is doomed to be 

you, self-doubt, are the afterthought that has become an old habit.

so i rely on you, screentime

you are the balance beam of my life 

so 9h47 mins is the reason i deny myself meals and attach every inch of my self worth to my academic+co-curricular+service+social achievements

and 5h36mins, you’re the reason i take an extra bread for dinner tonight

you, screentime, are the balance beam of my life   

[politicallywannabe]

you keep visiting my mind

you’re still the star of every scenario that helps me fall asleep

even though as soon as i wake up, i feel disgusted with me.

i keep replaying and romanticising every time you paid attention to me 

when your eyes were on me, i felt seen

i felt seen like i never did before 

a feeling that was my opium and i consumed it recklessly 

you think you got away because you ignored my silly confession but

why did you make me feel special? why did you make me feel as if you would move mountains for me? 

you did take advantage of my vulnerability and naivety.

how i wanted to hate you when you called me names and brought up my deepest secrets in defense

i wanted to hate you even more when you blatantly asked, ‘well, why now?

but i can’t bring myself to 

i like that i cannot have you to myself

it makes me feel in control 

the little doses of you when i close my eyes 

is enough to make me feel whole

im lying if i say i don’t long to accidentally bump into you soon 

im lying if i say i want to move on from these memories 

i don’t 

[politicallywannabe]

the friend i let go

i always thought we shared something special, you and I

be it our birthday month or our parents’ wedding date

There it was, a connection so intimate

but this bond was only special in my eyes

I clung to the idea of seeing you for you.

I didn’t care if you only called me to talk about you, I was more than happy to be the one you called

but that night I realised this was not worthwhile

you barked at me, pointed accusations at me

and your fingers broke a little piece of me

a little piece of me that contained you

you.

you hurt me to my core

and stormed away feeling accomplished

at the tears rolling down my cheeks and dropping to the floor

that night, as I quietly sobbed in the washroom clutching my mother’s purple silk saree

I made a promise to myself

it was time to let go of the bond which once made me want to mend our irregularities

[catchymemes]

[politicallywannabe]

Via Instagram

[catchymemes]

Art by @Unfins

[politicallywannabe]

tragic

[catchymemes]

[dumbass-in-a-hoodie]

im trying to clean out my school binders and i dont know why but every time i go to throw away schoolwork i always hesitate. ‘what if i want to use this for studying later’ says i, the dumbass, who has not studied, for a single thing, in my entire goddamn life

[thoodleoo]

i just want to speak every language ever, is that too much to ask

[politicallywannabe]

of dogs too

[catchymemes]

Credit: @juliehangart