Self-Awareness: Communication Strategies
I’ve been slowly working my way though the book “More than Two” by Franklin Veaux and Eve Rickert and finished the seventh chaper which was called Communication Strategies and was hit with the very powerful realization that in person I am a Passive Communcator instead of Active and this hit me like a fright train and just blowed me over. All of a sudden so much about me and issues I’ve had made sense ... I always believed that I was a great communicator, and I was ... in my immediate family ... because we are all trained to be passive communicators from the generation before us. Add to that fact that I was abused for most of my life between my father, my oldest sister, and M while he was constantly drinking alcohol that made him violent verbally (he has been sober two years as of this January and it has made the biggest difference in our issues once he got professional help for his addiction and we had couples counseling plus his solo counseling) and it all equals that realistically I’m a pretty bad communicator outside of other passive communicators.
This reality hit me with such force that it took my breath away and I couldn’t stop thinking of it for the entire day and last night after I finished reading the chapter. I cried my eyes out while reading at my newfound knowledge because I was hit with an overwhelming amount of connecting the dots. Like for example between my growing up on sololy passive communication plus my ptsd from two decades of verbal, mental and physical abuse, that lump that I feel in my throat every time I try to share how I’m truly feeling inside with someone that means the world to me verbally ... it’s tied to how I spent my entire lifetime communicating with every single person around me, and is also compounded by the trauma that I have experienced.
Upon this realization I was suddenly able to freely talk with M like I haven’t felt I’ve been able to in a long time. The realization was as if a lightbulb went off over my head and pieces of the puzzle I could never grasp nor connect fit in without effect. I felt a huge chuck of relief wash over me. I was overwhelmed and I couldn’t stop the tears from pouring out of my eyes, but I felt such relief as I have never before and I was able to take deep breaths and verbally open up to M as we laid in bed together like I haven’t before in our 13 years together and it felt breathtaking and amazing. Just the realization to me opened the door wider than I have dared open it, and it just, it overtook me. Is this what healing feels like? Could talking, could sharing, could opening up and be vulnerable to these lengths actually be what I needed to heal, to move forward? To love again and not hold back when it came to him? Could this be an emotional reconciliation with M and be the final piece to fully becoming a couple again? Is this perhaps the piece that I’ve been searching for the past two years? Was it really so simple in hindsight? Could I have saved myself and him the majority of this pain that we have been experiencing since I came back and we began working on fixing our marriage to save it instead of divorcing like we were going to do before we decided to give us a last try before signing the papers after we did counseling. How could I have not known this sooner? I feel like a whole new world has been revealed to me, and I have much work to do. It’ll be hard I know, but I’m willing to pay the full price and to put in the time to better myself, to better my marriage, and to better any and all other relationships that I may have in my lifetime whether they are romantic or not. I want to do better, I can do better, and I will do better.
To begin, I’m going to answer the questions from the end of chapter seven of “More than Two” on communication.
1- How directly for I ask for what I want and need?
I don’t, not very well, at least not passively. I’ve realized that I beat around the bush and often don’t want to come right out and ask directly for what I want because I’ve been punished for many years for outright asking what I wanted because outright asking was considered rude, selfish, and ungrateful.
2- What can I do to be more direct in my communication?
I can start by paying more attention to what I’m going to say, how I word it. Since the lightbulb went off that I’m a passive communicator I’ve caught myself about to be passive, such as when I was talking with M and he pulled his phone out mid conversation to browse Facebook. I was going to say “alright than, Facebook it is instead of talking” which I know realize is passive and why he would respond angrily and we would auger in the past, so I paused, thought about how I was feeling, why I was feeling this way, and what I should say instead. When I came to the conclusion that I should instead say something like “hey babe would you mind putting your phone away? It’s making me feel like I don’t have your attention while I’m trying to talk about an important conversation with you.” Which isn’t perfect in itself, but is on the right track towards being a direct communication because I’m clearly asking for his attention, as well as sharing why instead of my original thought which was accusatory in nature. When I felt my throat close up as I went to say this second option to M I knew that I was on the right track as it felt unnatural and awkward to me and I was scared of wording it such, but I pushed myself, worded it such and M immediately responded positively to my direct communication as well as he thanked me for it and praised me for speaking so directly and clearly and asked me if I could please continue trying this for him, if we could continue to work on this together. It truly felt like a huddle was overcame and beaten with my first push for direct communicating with him on my part. It felt a world of difference between my usual wording and this one, both by myself and by him. I want to continue this, and more importantly I know how badly I need to work on this.
3- If I hear a hidden meaning in a statement or question, do I ask for clarification before acting on my assumptions?
I do, but I have realized that my asking for clarification is more often posed as an blaming statement fully loaded than a question. Which immediately puts M on the defensive and escalates things quickly.
4- Do I perceive criticism in my partner’s statements even if they aren’t directly critical?
Yes, I do. M used to critique me a lot in his statements but the past two years of being sober he has worked on that aspect majorly, as have I, but I still see criticism and it’s something that I need to remember to stop and think about before I react negatively, because sometimes it is criticism, but most often it is not anymore.
5- What do I do to check in with my partners?
I ask them a lot of questions, I ask how they are doing, if they need anything, if there’s one thing in particular that they have seen that I should focus my self improvement work on, and if there’s anything I can do for them if they’re feeling they aren’t getting the attention from me that they need.
6- How well do I listen to my partners?
I try my hardest but I always feel like I’m failing, and I never know if it’s my need to be perfect or if I’m actually failing and how badly. I never feel like I’m doing enough nor am enough but I also know this is a side effect of the abuse I have survived but I’m not sure how to combat this endless fear of mine.
7- What do I do to make sure it’s safe for my partners to communicate with me, and to let them know it’s safe?
I verbally tell them that there’s not much that they can say that would hurt me, because I’m able to detach a lot and not take things personal, and I often put my hand on their hand to hold it, or their arm or shoulder as we’re talking and try to maintain eye contact but I have realized that it’s easier to me to listen and process something hard that’s being said, and for myself to share, if I’m not looking into their eyes so I have a tendency of catching myself looking slightly beyond them instead of direct which I know is off putting to them but otherwise I feel like I just clam up and I can’t talk because I feel the lump severely on my throat and my heart races with anxiety.
8- Does my communication show that I take responsibility for my actions and emotions?
If I’m being completely honest, no it doesn’t, at least not enough. I never want to hurt anyone but I feel like I constantly do and I hate myself for it.
All in all I have a lot of work to do, processing and implementing but I know this is desperately needed.
