Polyamory in a small European Country

This blog is about Love. A very special kind of love at that. It talks about relationships that are based on trust, respect, compassion and love. With the slight difference that more than only one single partner is involved but all the partners know of each other. Some say it's impossible other people have chosen it to be their path to happiness. We should all be happy have the freedom of choice.

[polyamo]

Lëtzebuergesch:

Wann der dësen Text liest dann war der virwëtzeg genuch de QR-code ze scannen oder d’URL vum Blat anzetippen. An op dëser Plaatz geet et och ëm Virwëtz.

Den Auteur (den am Moment Anonym well bleiwen) ass interesséiert op et nach méi Mënschen zu Lëtzebuerg gëtt di sech an enger...

[polyamo]

The text below I wrote 11 Months ago, it is out of date. Most things are still true to a certain extent but things have changed somehow.

This is probably due to ME being more outgoing, plus, having more wonderful people in my life, who do not per se live a Poly life, but are rather humane...

[polyamo]

Hallo du! Ech kennen mech hei guernet aus um tumblr, dovier schreiwen ech hei einfach mol eppes hin. Wanns de wells kanns de mer op meng Emailsadress äntweren. (gesais du dei?) Ech fannen dain Blog super, sin mega erstaunt dass et soueppes tatsächlech och zu Letzebuerg get. Ech sin vierun Joeren souzesoen ausgewandert an sin elo an enger relativ starker Poly Community zu Wien. Flait kann een sech jo mol Treffen wann ech op Besuch sin, geng mech op alle Fall freen sech auszetauschen! LG, Elisa

Hallo Elisa,

Et freet mech dass de zu Wien eng Community fonnt hues di gläichdenkend ass. Zu Lëtzebuerg ass dat méi… naja, soe mer ustrengend ;)

Ech gesinn elo deng e-Mail Adress net mä du kanns mer ee Mail op: [email protected] schécken. Gäre kann ee sech gesinn, du kanns mer bestëmmt gutt Tipps ginn wéi et zu Wien fonctionnéiert, respektiv wei alles do ugefangen huet.

bis dann.

[polyamo]

Poly Luxembourg… a short-term study

The text below I wrote 11 Months ago, it is out of date. Most things are still true to a certain extent but things have changed somehow.

This is probably due to ME being more outgoing, plus, having more wonderful people in my life, who do not per se live a Poly life, but are rather humane when it comes to their approach. This with a good portion of rationale makes my life a lot easier.

So I decided to go on in blogging and talking about non-conventional relationship choices, let's us break the norm.

After some pondering I came to the conclusion that I will abandon my quest to find more like-minded (poly) people.

Usually seeking doesn't help in that area anyway. But I tried.

It has nothing to do with the people but rather the constellation of Luxembourg and my social behaviour as well as my social entourage.

I also had some time to reflect on what my choice of a more libertarian approach to romantic relationships mean.

I also agree that Polyamory != Polyfuckery but I cannot deny a very close link. (Yes, we are humans, we have chemistry going on and some are more horny than others. Without that, human kind wouldn't have survived in such great numbers.)

When I noticed that having an intimate relation with someone that involves bodily fluids usually leads to some confusion about what I said about my beliefs, I decided to take that out of the equation.

Since then I have learned that being celibate isn't that bad and that you focus better on your needs, thus reflecting becomes easier.

(Admittedly I slipped once, and had a near miss on another occasion, but I will blog about that too)

All in all I am happy about my choices. If some think that love, sex, compassion, hugs, kisses and all the beautiful things in life should only be shared with one person at any given time, so be it, I don't mind sharing in parallel.

[polyamo]

Love and respect have no limits

Lëtzebuergesch:

Wann der dësen Text liest dann war der virwëtzeg genuch de QR-code ze scannen oder d'URL vum Blat anzetippen. An op dëser Plaatz geet et och ëm Virwëtz.

Den Auteur (den am Moment Anonym well bleiwen) ass interesséiert op et nach méi Mënschen zu Lëtzebuerg gëtt di sech an enger monogamer Bezéiung agespaart fillen oder gefillt hunn. Falls jo dann ass et un der Zäit dass ee sech eemol zesummen ënner gläich interesséierten trefft an austauscht. Beim zesummekomme soll et ëm Erfahrungen goen. Een Austausch vu Gedanken a Gefiller wou ee bis elo nach net richteg faasse konnt. Diskussiounen iwwer; Fräi Léift, Bedéngungslos léift, Polyamorie a méi, sollen a Rou a mat vill Respekt gefouert ginn.

Well d'Thema ee ganz t perséinlecht ass kann ech verstoen dass ee sech ufanks net richteg wuel fillt. Den éischte Kontakt ka jo iwwer e-mail sinn. Mënschen di sech scho méi sécher sinn sollen sech och iwwer e-mail mellen dass ee sech kann treffen. Einfach ee Mail op [email protected] maachen a vun do aus kuckt ee weider.

Um Internet well ech meng Anonymitéit halen wat dëst Thema ugeet. Am richtege liewen hunn ech awer kee Problem, zemools mat gläichfillenden Mënschen, mech ze treffen an auszetauschen.

Mir si net alleng, bis geschwënn.

Français:

Si vous lisez ce texte vous étiez soit assez curieux de scanner le code-QR ou entrer l'Adresse marquer sur le flyer. Ce qui est bien, car ici tout tourne autour la curiosité.

L'auteur, qui souhaite rester dans l'anonymat en ce moment, se pose la question si d'autre gens au Luxembourg se sentent incomfortable dans une relation monogame?

Si c'est le cas, reunissons-nous avec des gens de même esprit.

Quand on se réuni on peut échanger nos expériences. Des sentiments et des pensées qu'on pouvait pas trop placer jusqu'à présent. (Si vous vous sentez seule, même bizarre, vous partagez déjà quelques anciennes pensées avec l'auteur) Des discussions sur l'amour libre, l'amour inconditionnelle, l'amour plurielle et bien plus vont être mener dans une ambiance respectueuse et calme.

Due à la nature très personelle du sujet, je comprends bien une certaine réticence de se voir en physique. Bien qu'un premier contact pourrait se faire via un courriel. Pour ceux qui se sentent plus à l'aise sur le sujet peuvent m'envoyer un mail sur: [email protected]

Sur Internet je veux préserver l'anonymat sur le sujet. Dans la vie réelle j'ai plus de problème d'en parler, surtout avec des gens qui pense similaire.

L'auteur est d'origine Luxembourgeoise. Un aire bizarre ou un excés de fautes n'est pas volontaire.

On n'est pas seule, à bientôt.

English:

If you read these lines you were curious enough to either scan the QR-code or enter the URL from the flyer. Which is good, because this is all about curiosity.

The author (who wishes to remain anonymous at the moment) was wondering if there were more people like him in Luxembourg who feel or felt uncomfortable in monogamous relationships. Should this also be the case for you let's get together and meet like minded people. When we meet together it should be about experiences. Thoughts and feelings we couldn't fully grasp until now. (If you felt alone with your thoughts and even thought they might be wrong you share already some with the author) Discussions about free love, unconditional love, polyamory and more should be held in a calm and ultimately respectful climate.

Because of the personal nature of the subject I fully understand a certain discomfort to a physical meeting. Perhaps a first contact can be made over e mail and a trust relationship could be built that way. For people who feel more comfortable already can also just drop me a mail to get together. Just drop me a line at: [email protected]

I want to keep my anonymity about this topic on the internet. In real life i have no problem talking about it, especially with like minded people.

The author is a native luxembourgish speaker, awkwardness, if any, was not intentional.

You are not alone, see you soon.

[polyamo]

Closer…

The closer to you it is, the better. And the closest person you have to achieve ultimate likeability is yourself.   I learned the hard way that if you are unhappy with yourself, your entire entourage will inevitably suffer. Some people are better at this then others. Those you are still pleasant to be around with are usually so empty inside because they gave it all to the others.   This is more relevant to Polyamory as you might think. If you lack the love for yourself where are you going to take all the possible love for the others?   I really know that we can love each other. You might say:   "I like him, but do I love him?"   If you like him already, why not go the extra step? And after all what changes this? I suggest you just try it. And as we are in the realm of "closer" the easiest will be at work. Tell someone today that you are happy with them. If you know you can, hug him :) See what their reaction will be and how the climate in the office will evolve.   This act of giving unconditional love will be one of the steps towards inner balance and perhaps, a better understanding of Polyamory.   Because what is in the end the difference? If you have  a partner that you are attracted to. Or a work colleague. You might not be attracted to the work colleague (yet) but does he deserve less love?   Could it be that once you have opened the emotional channel to your work colleague that you might have feelings of attraction after all? Are you AFRAID of that? Does a little voice in your head command you NOT to have a relationship at work because you KNOW how this ends?   I could well believe this. I was similar. But I have one little friend on my side now: Libido

[polyamo]

Polyamory is so much more than multiple random sexual encounters

If your answer to the above statement is: "Well sure, we know, it's about love and respect towards each other" you are already aware what it is about that I am going to write.   Trying to talk about Polyamory to others isn't the easiest and so far I have been lucky enough to talk with people who try to understand. Nevertheless some try to convince you about their way; which is why I want to talk about … Sex.     Sex is very important but is nothing without common consent, respect and love (in its broadest form)   After Reading "The Ethical Slut" it made some things clearer. Even though the  Book isn't neutral or critic enough, the read was  rather refreshing.   Whilst common consent and respect come pretty natural, Love does not. I have been pondering quite a lot about the topic and come to the conclusion that it is the pivot of anything really. It is by societal standard (and the Bible(s)) the glue of us Humans.   Which is why we can consider it very broad. In every discussion about Polyamory I ask at least once: "How MUCH do YOU love me?"   This is usually the moment when:   a) People understand that I love them (in my way) b) That love is uncountable thus nothing you can put a price tag on   I came to realize that I have a lot of love to give, for free.   Now wait a minute *Free*? Love is not a Legal Tender and never should be, so let's put it this way:   We all have a lot of Love to give, unconditionally.    To the hardened of society, that know that it's a tough world out there and there are wars going on, children dying, money to be made etc, this is all a load of Hippie-Bullcrap.   Yep, sure sounds like it. But have you ever considered that it is a good path to be on. Because:   What do YOU do to end the wars? What do YOU do to end famine? What do YOU do to bring an equilibrium into our clearly corrupt and broken capitalistic model?   I agree on the fact that all of this is very crude and there are so much more problems in our lives that are so much closer.   And perhaps this is where everyone of us should start?

[polyamo]

Poly Communication

It is quite ridiculous that everything circles around the same thing: communication. I would extend it and talk about respectful limitless communication. There are NO taboos in this. There shan't be any judging. (yay for theory) If all of this is well understood and talked through, you might want to pursue a life where you can tell your best friends that you always wanted to sleep with them or perhaps kiss them. Personally I take a more radical approach. I just lay my cards on the table, even before a friendship can be started. I hate the cat in the Box, so I will not be one either. Everything is always about sex with you… Yes, I know, and Yes it is. We are sexual beings. We want to reproduce. I only want to take away the unconscious and fairly unnatural proceedings which make entire peoples unhappy, frustrated etc etc. The thing intriguing me with all of this, I am a very bad communicator when it comes to personal, intimate stuff. You might want to call me a hypocrite. I accept that. BUT I surely try to ramp-up to a level where I can more easily talk about it. 

[polyamo]

Sexuality has not much to do with age

We should, and now I lean myself perhaps a bit too far out of the windows, teach our children what sexual behaviorism is. (Full Disclosure: I have no Kids, but a lot of people around me who stubble with these issues) As a trusty human being you, the dear reader, thought: "I am not going to tell my 8 year old daughter what sexuality is?!?" We should drop certain beliefs that sexual maturity is tightly linked to a certain age group. It is not. 6-8 year olds also have a certain sexual life. We do not like to talk about it but it is there. It's natural. Which doesn't mean that you need in any way rush anything. The age is always a good point of reference when it comes to more tricky issues, like sexuality. But we shouldn't deny it in case it comes up early on. No one likes the talk. If that is so, try to talk the talk with your life partner first. Because if you cannot openly talk about sex with a grown-up do not even try to do it with a teenager (or a young person who is sexually mature enough to understand). They will simply not take you serious. Side-note: Children are NOT stupid. They feel your insecurity, are most likely way more creative than you, and very much eager to hear from grown-ups, even if they deny it. (Never forget, what has been heard cannot be unheard.)

[polyamo]

Over-sexed society?!

Some greater Philosophical minds of the 21st century criticize the fact that we are getting more and more sexual without thinking too much. And whilst I do not fully agree on this, we should in fact have much more intimate encounters than we averagely have, I agree they have a point. But the root of the issue is not the fact that the human being gets more aware of the pleasant side of sexuality, thus seemingly more open minded. It might be the way our society chose to, well, come out of the sexual liberation closet (again) The chosen path seems to be via mass media tightly combining sex with consumerism (putting a value on it) Girls in skimpy clothes, gangster rappers singing about banging these bitchiz, you get the Mtv picture. When in fact WE should be more conscious about OUR own sexuality. This could begin with a very easy exercise: Masturbate, now. It's natural, normal and healthy.

[polyamo]

PolyFuckery with a Lovely touch

There seems to be a lot of talk about PolyFuckery and Polyamory. The two not being the same. I agree,  but nevertheless I must say for myself that one was present with the other and vice versa. This doesn't make me a bad person. I had to realize that eventually by analyzing certain aspects of myself. I guess I am a Polyamorous Ethical Slut. Most importantly I do not hide this anymore. If I get together with someone who I very much like, I will not try to go the old way of NOT being honest about what I enjoy in life. This leaves me, at times, alone. 

[polyamo]

Grow up… "Never!"

I have grown! Into what I have grown is not really definable. The intellect I am blessed with can turn sometimes against me. Over-thinking has been for long one of my past-times that plagues me. But there are stages in this. And I feel that I am at a tipping point. The kind of tipping point where sanity and rationality might be unbalanced. To regain this balance and put it all into a perspective I need to work on myself. The only external help I can really use is my Psychologist. He is the best point of reference, because I just know nothing about him. I don't really care either because that would taint certain things. He seems modest. Knowing for instance that he drives a ridiculous SUV would not really help my therapy, so I am happily ignoring this, true or not. I will also try EMDR [1] as a method of Trauma Treatment. As a scientific person I am biased but am pretty convinced that we have only grasped a minimum on what the human brain is capable. And most of all, individuality is not to be neglected. [1] http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Eye_movement_desensitization_and_reprocessing

[polyamo]

Random Night out with 2 Friends in a dancing Bar

So if I am being "social" I get sometimes bored and make notes. Especially when I had too much to drink and my brain goes into second gear to process certain stuff at a fast pace. Here goes: <begin_notes> As if I would care. Drunk English, hard to understand… Projections into the unkown (mg level) Spoiled easterns, one way to get out of it. Said it before say it again, .lu pretty similar to any to any. Why would friends visit? Geographical (perhaps pictoresque) location? Foad! Drunk enough to think, after solo-dance… Evolution, too advanced? Why?: - !jealous - !possesive - !picky"" - !ejts oder esou - when drunk, gards go up - boredom goes up - aggression does rise - song dependency?! Lets try… -- no effect - letting go, I can't nor can others (remote RS) 17 + 8 cat Desperation is not an issue. For I have mastered the path of happiness. Ppl focus on sex. Ppl being all genders. Whilst you shouldnt . The stages between, are so much… more. Complexes of people make me sad and wanting to help them… <end_notes>

[fozmeadows]

Everyone’s heard of friendzoning – even if they don’t know the word, they sure as hell know the concept. It’s what happens time and again to unfortunate Nice Guys who, despite being nothing but sugar and spice to the girls they love, are nonetheless denied the sexual relationships they so...

[polyamo]

Girlfriend conundrum

Let's face it. I am boyfriend material. This has been the case for over 10 years now. No matter who I meet or even "only" fuck, they seem to have that fatal attraction to be in a relationship with me.   I have recently isolated some of the whys and they are pretty sad ones:   I am genuinely caring, loving and tender to all my partners.   This gives you a pretty deep look into todays society and how scarce love from "strangers" has become. (or perhaps ha never been evoked to be)   Another reason might be that I do not operate the: "one-night stand and then never again" way. I never understood why you cannot just casually sleep together and make a certain habit of it, whilst still being good friends.   An answer to this might be: Men are fixated on penetration. Which again, IMHO, is pretty sad. Sex is so much more than just the literal banging. Perhaps men should re-evaluate what goes on in the bedroom. And if you hear yourself saying: "foreplay… BORING" you have already missed half the point of good sex. And I am not arguing against a quick fuck. What I am more considerate about is, to make any close moment with someone worthwhile. This isn't the regular capitalism driven, process optimizing and return of invest, geek talking, but rather a Mensch who wants to achieve a nice balance of love, respect and continuity.   Granted, if people would be more like this, they might develop new feelings towards other people. Let it be sexual or not but undoubtedly by letting yourself emotionally go towards others, feelings will develop.   == Developing feelings towards … ==   The following always assumes some sort of binding to a partner in the classical, hetero, sense.   Men will almost certainly cope pretty well with feelings towards the opposite sex. They will, as they do now, just cheat. Talking about feelings towards the same sex they will, as they do too now, block, make fun of gay people, but deep down, be very confused how it can be that they might be partially attracted to some guy.   Women on the other hand might react in another pattern. The attraction to the opposite sex gets usually put on-hold and a brief check of social morals is performed. Thus the woman will put herself in question as a human being, as being not faithful, read dirty. Same sex encounters might be ventured differently. Most women have rather consciously, and without being drunk as fuck, kissed another girl on the lips. Further on, but without scientific proof, they have had the thought of sleeping with another girl to experience what it would be like. You could argue that this is because of the emotional state of mind. They are, by society, allowed to cry (on the shoulder of a strong man)   But men crying on the shoulder of strong women, is an absolute taboo, gets pushed away by society, has trouble making it's way into the entertainment industry and might as well be one of the many reasons why the down spiral of society is currently taking place.   Men: get to know your feelings and let them out. It will not make you any less manly, quite the opposite you will e more attractive to others and your inner beauty will shine through.   Women: you are not any less of a person when you frequently change partners, Men do it all the time. Stand up when people become mean and let them know that they suck. There is no dream prince, always only an approximation of an ideal situation. Guys I hope you read this part too, it applies to all of us.     Disclaimer: I am neither a Psychologist or any other form of social expert. I just struggle with certain thought patterns and in my country (Luxembourg) there aren't many people to talk about this. (Well my Psychologist listens but has no experience what so ever on the Poly side of things) Thus I took it to the Internetz. ;)   <3 respect and care to all of you.

[polyamo]

I am a good person…

because… I care I share I worry I forget I wish I do not regret I do my best I fail I admit I love I listen I speak I plan I feel I understand I search I try I …  I am not the perfect person…   because… I do not listen I do not care I do not let speak I am arrogant I am all knowing I want my way I want guidance I want plans I do not care I do not feel I …

[polyamo]

A new years eve to remember

Or rather, no matter where you are on this lovely planet, society is always similar. On my recent trip to Germany I stayed in a pretty big city with a couple million of citizens and apparently 20 million tourists per annum. I am not the biggest fan of new years parties and luckily we got invited to a private party of around 50 peeps in a random apartment. In Luxembourg it is usually fairly posh for new years and honestly pretty overrated. In .lu (TLD of Luxembourg) everyone knows everyone, so going all-in, as an Ethical Slut, seems fairly tricky. (The old 'what would the neighbors say' schema comes to mind) Usually you get around this by drinking yourself silly and ending up fucking some random chick or/and bloke. Next day all is fine because, well you were all wasted. So I had hopes on this party being perhaps different and more open. And to some extent it was, people were instantly friendly and tried pretty hard at getting to know each other. Men were trying to score (desperately as usual) and women were enjoying being the prey. So far so normal. At previous parties I too would have, as the ultimate goal, to get laid. This year (2011) I broke out of that schema. I simply didn't care. But why? After all I really, really, like to Fuck. The following crossed my mind: - I acknowledge that I am a Slut - I have nice people around me that know me for what I am (and accept it) - I have relationships back home which make me a happy person Primarily I think that accepting the fact that Sex is not a commodity but something you should talk about and then actually do because it is just so much more… (get in touch if this didn't make sense) I did spread some love, which made me even happier. I kissed a couple of people. But not the French way, why would I? I feel that a tender kiss on the mouth can be as exciting. Being able to share love and a certain way of life is so much more fulfilling then only thinking about oneself. The other thing I did was not too drink too much. This helped a great deal to analyze certain situations. And most of all, experience how people react when you get in between them and a potential mate. One guy clearly told me to back off and get lost. So I did exactly the opposite and offered him to help. (Of course I tried to scrooge in cause' 3 is always more fun than 2, isn't it) But when it became pretty clear that this was of the table I took care of the guy. The girl he was with was clearly one of the most beautiful women around and she constantly had someone else trying to talk to her. So my pact with the stranger was done and when the biggest cock blocker on earth came in, who sneakingly tried to convince her that he was from the same town, I waived the guy over to take it to the next level, which clearly was the couch ;) Side note: The cock blocker was such an amazing douche. Once he noticed that my word skills were not that shabby he went into the offense by trying to intimidate me with the following: "My rhetoric is so much better then yours, bla bla, superior, mumble, I studied this, mumble" (schwantz, bigger then yours, WTF!) So yeah, he lost ;) Now I also know what I am not attracted to, drunk people. It's just not fun. No discussions, no clear statements etc etc. It just does not attract at all. It was a great evening. The thing to keep in mind is: It will always be greener on the other side, but it's always the same green.