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The Codependent and the Personality: Mr Robot (warning, there are spoilers)

First, there is the devastating bid to the codependent:

“But then there are some people out there…

And it doesn’t happen a lot.

It’s rare.

In fact, they care about you in spite of it.

And the really special ones,

But they refuse to let you hate them.

they’re relentless at it.

Doesn’t matter what you do to them.

They take it and care about you anyway.

They don’t…

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End of the road

When I reflect on it, the last visit we ever had is a very accurate microcosm of the whole relationship. The first day/night was reunion, bliss, connection, the feeling of being home. The second night was confusion, unmet needs, hurt, and conflict. Afterwards while trying to work out what happened, we would realize that our perspectives were so different we couldn’t even agree on basic reality.

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Back to the top

Today I feel normal again. The dynamic with Boyfriend broke last night, and I put the chat app away and will not look at it again. I went to sleep feeling devastated and woke up feeling like myself again. I did not expect this rapid change in myself. Now I suddenly see how the prolonged emptiness of the past week was a result of a downward slide precipitated by a series of small moments and…

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Facing emptiness

If I were to summarize, when I am struggling to feel good the notion of exploring polyamory becomes compelling. It is a narrative of excitement, possible adventure, and the power of infatuation to fill the mind and flood the empty spaces. However, it increasingly became clear the complexity and pain it causes isn’t worth it anymore. So then I turned to Boyfriend and essentially said “Ok, make…

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Parts and Self

Internal Family Systems theory explores the different parts of the self and the roles that they play. At times they contradict each other, or distract from exiled/suppressed parts, or try to control or manage other parts. The goal toward health is to be in Self, and to be able to dialogue with your parts and keep them in check, while in a place of calm and wholeness.

I have a part that seems…

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Death of a polycule

Boyfriend and I got back together. We had a visit in February. During that visit, I ran several miles through Mont Royal. The park was a winter wonderland- skiiers on the track, people walking and running, families sledding, children ice skating. The whole scene feels to me now like a bygone era, full of nostalgia. Covid-19 hit in March and not long after, the border shut down. I don’t…

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Tamagotchi part 2

More reflection leads to the other part of being a digital pet that I didn’t mention yesterday. There is anxiously waiting to be fed as I described, but importantly, there is also the anxious striving to intuit and be what the other person seems to want or need…so that they will love and feed you. It is the life cycle of digital petdom. I think for highly empathic people, this is a…

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Disembedded

Human development doesn’t end after childhood. Kegan writes about adult development as a process of disembedding in order to make object what was once subject. After a little less than a lifetimeweek of breaking up, feeling some clarity, then cloudy, then clear, talking some more, not knowing what to do, feeling stuck in an impossible bind, how to decide… Initially the issue seemed purely…

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Disembodied

The end of a 5.5 year long distance relationship is a strange and painful thing. I read somewhere- Reddit I think- someone posted about how difficult long distance can be to resolve because the ending is so intangible. A big part of how long distance is maintained is having that person in your thoughts all the time. There isn’t a clear cut ending and change, such as the person moves out or…

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Existential boredom, or the yearning burning churning

For a while now I have noticed a restlessness. When I try to name it, the phrase “existential boredom” comes to mind. I’m bored, but it’s not your regular, can’t-think-of-what to do boredom. It is agitating, yet listless. It is emptiness that is full of energy that has no place to go. I’m not bored with existence itself, but there’s a sense of not accessing what makes me feel fully alive.

Wh…

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Double sided coin

I have just returned from a week long visit at Boyfriend’s house with my two kids in tow. Husband stayed home and worked on the job and the house. During this visit I noticed subtle pangs that set off some introspection. Like many things poly-related, more reflection is needed to be able to name it and understand it. I imagine it is one of those things that would warrant its own poly term…

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Poly bio-etiquette?

https://amp.livescience.com/33720-13-scientifically-proven-signs-love.html This article really captured for me the greatest and hardest parts of long distance polyamory. Many of these components are magnified and extended by long distance- particularly obsessiveness, emotional ups and downs, and intrusive thoughts. If polyamory follows the biological description in this article, it would make…

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#ethical nonmonogamy #polyamory

Summer cycle

After three years of long distance poly, I’ve become all too familiar with carrying around a heavy heart at the end of each visit. Yesterday was particularly hard since it was the last day of three weeks of summer visiting. Feast, and then several months of famine to follow. My youngest daughter has a particular talent for being the barometer for the unspoken energy in the room, and that…

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The Art of Waiting for a Thousand Days

When Husband and I first met Boyfriend, he told us he was working on a project that was bigger and more consuming than expected, but it would be done in the fall. Unfortunately, the project only continued to become more massive and stressful, with repeated deadline extensions. The project did not technically finish for another thousand days- 1,042 to be exact. During all this, Boyfriend’s time…

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Politics ptsd

Words fail to capture the devastation, heartbreak and terror I felt when I watched the numbers roll in on election night. Since then I have been grappling with numbness, discouragement, helplessness, fear, resolve, hope, dread, grief, not wanting to read the news, morbid fascination with reading the news. I attended a march in my area and the numbers exceeded everyone’s expectations. What a…

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sadbitchezonly

Being able to find someone you click with so naturally is the best feeling ever. You feel like you’ve been best friends you’re whole life, it feels like you’re coming home. You’re so comfortable with them. Maybe that’s what a soulmate is. Not someone who shares every single thing in common with you, but someone who feels like home.

kimchicuddles

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