Poly Notes

thoughts and reflections on sex, polyamory, and more

[polynotes]

It's been a long time since I posted much here. I've been busy working on a PhD. I'm studying sexuality and relationships in the Social Psychology program at the University of California, Santa Cruz. And now I'm collecting data for my dissertation project!

This project is about relationships and identity. The survey is open to people in all kinds of relationships, but I'm particularly interested in hearing from people with nonmonogamous experiences.

Participation for this study is limited to people at least 18 years old and living in the United States. I hope those who are eligible will consider taking part!

The survey is available here: https://ucsantacruz.co1.qualtrics.com/jfe/form/SV_1MGfWqmwcQf9lsy

Thank you to anyone who takes or shares the survey!

[sexedplus]

* Join a group * - https://docs.google.com/spreadsheets/d/1M9Y46lhZSVIRyE1Qh74Tj5uu91VKs5nhFCUudnFOqOg/

/ * Start a group * - https://docs.google.com/document/d/1ca-sz4DRNvUg8ezcrfd6awH-ahxBDJwnbdzxm4_qDVs/

[sexedplus]

Some suggested further reading: Why Would Anyone “Come Out” As Kinky? The Reality Behind 3 Myths About BDSM Applying Leisure 101 to Simplify and Complicate BDSM The Difference Between BDSM and Abuse Leather Subculture

[sexedplus]

The second Positive Sexuality Conference is in February. There’s 3 weeks left to submit a presentation proposal!

Conference website: http://sexposcon.com/

Submit a proposal: https://docs.google.com/forms/d/e/1FAIpQLSeurTIC_rmeDi2J-As3LbhtMCYfb0e1dYctXKXyuLXiid8FfA/viewform

[sexedplus]

These two pictures, of a ball gag and nipple clamps, are released into the public domain and can be used by anyone for any purpose without credit or royalties.

Making free sex ed images is funded by the Sex Ed Plus Patreon reaching $100/month (though it just fell back below that goal).

I’m hoping to have more regular content rolling out again shortly.

[sexedplus]

These pictures are released into the public domain and can be used by anyone for any purpose without credit or royalties. Making free sex ed images is funded by the Sex Ed Plus Patreon reaching $100/month.

Top left: an internal condom Top right: a menstrual cup Bottom: rabbit vibrators

I haven’t been making comics or writing articles as much the past couple of months, but I do have some things slowly in the works. I am releasing a sex ed image into the public domain each month, and patrons at the $3+/month levels receive a reward in the mail every other month.

[sexedplus]

SexEdPlus Livestream Friday

This Friday 12/28 at 4pm EST I will be livestreaming on my friend’s twitch channel: twitch.tv/highwayyys.

We’ll be chatting a bit about my comics and writing, then playing some videos games. I’d be delighted to take some questions about my work or general sex/relationship advice while we play.

[sexedplus]

Going live in about 10 minutes!

[sexedplus]

SexEdPlus Livestream Friday

This Friday 12/28 at 4pm EST I will be livestreaming on my friend’s twitch channel: twitch.tv/highwayyys.

We’ll be chatting a bit about my comics and writing, then playing some videos games. I’d be delighted to take some questions about my work or general sex/relationship advice while we play.

[polynotes]

So... has this just become a mirror for sexedplus? There used to be other stuff too, but lately it seems like something will go up there one day, show up here the next, and I'm not seeing other stuff here in the mix. Is that on purpose? Will it be changing at some point?

Honestly, I’m not sure.I’ve been trying to stagger reposting stuff from one blog to the other in hopes that a few more people might see stuff that shows up at different times.Also, I’ve been trying to focus more on writing for Medium, because Medium makes me a little bit of money, and if I make money writing about sex and relationship, I can spend more of my time writing about sex and relationship.If you are following both SexEdPlus and polynotes and are annoyed by seeing lots of the same stuff, I’d suggest unfollowing SexEdPlus, because I will reblog most stuff from SexEdPlus here but not vice versa and might at some point again start posting more short original stuff here that I don’t post anywhere else.Also, I’m still pretty happy to answer poly/relationship advice questions here, I just haven’t gotten many of those lately.Also also, I’m curious if Tumblr is going to kind of wither and die and be replaced by other platforms, so, well, we’ll see, I guess.

[sexedplus]

Money Makes Alternative Relationships Easier, and Conventional Ones Too

Financial considerations can push people towards more normative choices… or towards less convention relationship styles.

Relationships come in all shapes and sizes. Some relationship are monogamous and some are non-monogamous. Some include sex and some don’t. Some progress through moving in together, getting married, and having kids, and some don’t do any of these things, just do some of them, or do them in a different order. Relationships aren’t one-size-fits-all. It’s all about figuring out what’s the best fit for you.

Relationship choices are shaped by personal taste, life ambitions, and social pressures. Money can be a big factor too. Sometimes financial considerations push people towards more normative choices (like monogamy and marriage). But sometimes these same considerations are a reason people choose less convention relationship styles (like non-monogamy and living apart).

In general, though, financial resources give people more choice in these decisions.

Continue reading on Medium.

[sexedplus]

Why Your Partner Might Not Tell You They Have an STI

And why talking about sexually transmitted infections is your responsibility if you want to know.

If you have an STI, it’s best to tell your partner before having sex. But there’s a bunch of reasons people find that hard to do. So if you want to know about your partner’s health, you should step up and start that chat. But how do you actually do it? Just asking “do you have an STI?” isn’t really enough.

Keep reading on Medium.

[sexedplus]

Non-Monogamy Isn’t Inherently “High Risk” — Here’s Why

The characterization of non-monogamy as inherently higher risk is based on a series of flawed assumptions.

When a friend of mine mentioned to his doctor that he was in a non-monogamous relationship, the doctor immediately warned him about his “high risk behavior.” But without a lot more detail, there’s really no reason for the doctor to make that judgement. This characterization of non-monogamy as inherently higher risk is based on a series of flawed assumptions.

Keep reading on Medium.

[sexedplus]

A Bunch of Bad Metaphors For Sexual Consent and a Few Better Ones

Metaphors can be a helpful way to talk about sexual consent, but they can also sometimes fall short. So here’s a close look at some of the…

Metaphors can be a helpful way to talk about sexual consent, but they can also sometimes fall short. So here’s a close look at some of the ideas that metaphors convey successfully and some of the nuance they leave out.

(Keep reading on Medium.)

[sexedplus]

We Need More Books Like This: Sex From Scratch Book Review

We need more books that acknowledge that one kind of relationship doesn’t work for everyone, and that people can define relationships…

First off, this book includes an awesome collection of interviews. I was particularly excited for to see contributions from three great sex educators, Tristan Taormino, Wendy-O Matik, and Betty Dodson, and awesome comic artist Erika Moen.

The book is broken into seven chapters. Each of these chapters contains practical advice for navigating relationships. Most of these chapters also challenge the view that relationships should all progress in the same direction, towards an exclusive permanent marriage with children.

Continued on Medium.

[sexedplus]

Having an STI Isn’t Dirty or Shameful, and Acting like It Is Hurts All of Us

Most people will have an STI at some point in their life. Actually, most people have already had one. You might have one right now.

Getting an STI isn’t a moral failing, it’s a health condition.

[sexedplus]

My Partner Wants To Have Sex With Someone Else. What Should I Do?

First, you need to get clear on what your partner wants. If they brought it up, they probably already said more than “I want to have sex…

First, you need to get clear on what your partner wants. If they brought it up, they probably already said more than “I want to have sex with someone else,” but that can actually mean a lot of different things. Here are the kinds of things you should get a sense of, though you shouldn’t barrage your partner with every single one of these questions:

Do they want to have sex with someone else just once? Do they want to have sex with one other person regularly? Do they want to have sex with multiple other people? Do they want to have a romantic relationship with someone else?…

Keep reading on Medium.

[sexedplus]

Consent Is Not as Simple as Tea – Sex Ed Plus – Medium

The tea metaphor might be a good way to start a conversation, but just insisting that sexual consent is “simple” isn’t actually helpful.

The tea metaphor might be a good way to start a conversation, but just insisting that sexual consent is “simple” isn’t actually helpful.

To be clear, some parts of consent are straightforward. It’s not consensual if you’re physically forcing someone to have sex, coercing them with threats of violence, or continuing over their protests. These are not things I’m going to debate.

But some questions of consent are trickier. Like, what kinds of professional relationships rule out consensual romances? When does a difference in level of intellectual ability make consent impossible? To what degree can prescription medications impair the ability to consent?

Even if you have firm answers to all these questions, the real point is that there isn’t a clear consensus on the topics. And when we say consent is simple, we cut those conversations off…

Keep reading on Medium.