Bellamy Blake @positivelyblake-blog - Tumblr Blog

In the Still of the Night

Pairing: Bellamy x reader Warnings: angst, self hate, swearing, PTSD, gory flashbacks from Mount Weather Summary: The reader suffers flashbacks and guilt from everything that happened in Mount Weather, and thinks nobody can save her. But when Bellamy, an old flame who she’s pushed away, notices and reaches out- is it enough? A/N: Not the 102 but still some bellamy!angst and supportive!bellamy- hope you enjoy:) Feedback is always appreciated also I’m too tired rn but I’ll put in gifs/pictures to make it prettier later<33

When you got back to the camp, you were a ghost. That rusted sign hanging above the entrance had never been read with such dismay before, and you knew this wasn’t one you were going to bounce back from so quickly.

Living on earth for so long, and in such a position of power, had hardened you. In fact, it had done so so much that you thought you’d never feel pain again.....until you pulled that lever.

Bellamy had been right there alongside you but it was still your fault, all those deaths were your fault. When you counted to 10 in your head and told yourself it was your only option you’d been lying, there had to have been another way.

When the radiation had been released you’d forced yourself to watch the screens surveying everyone inside Mount Weather. In each room, one after the other, they all dropped dead like flies- burning and screaming until they were finally still.

In the weeks after Mount Weather, while everyone was still healing and celebrating the victory, you’d spent your time memorizing the names of the people who’d been the cost of such a victory. Nathaniel Jones, Smith Connors, Sidney Goldberg, Jane Awnings, your list went well into the hundreds- 382 to be exact.

And when you weren’t up at night with your stomach churning from guilt, you were having nightmares. Because before you were in that control room you were in the harvest chambers, or being drilled into like a fucking construction project.

Most nights you’d wake up screaming, terrified of the closed spaces- you couldn’t be in a cage ever again. Honestly it was a miracle to you how your neighbors never woke up themselves, or maybe they did, and they just didn’t care.

But no matter how awful the nightmares got, how badly you wanted them to end, you never asked anybody for help. You didn’t even tell Abby, even when she commented on the dark circles beneath your eyes, and the obvious lack of sleep.

Instead you decided to take it, to suffer in silence because you deserved everything being thrown at you. You’d taken away hundreds of people’s chances to live another day, to laugh or dance or find love, you’d ripped it all away.

So you didn't deserve health, you didn’t deserve happiness, and you didn’t deserve to ever sleep again.

One particularly awful night, you decided to leave your room and walk around instead. For hours you wandered around the outskirts of camp, stumbling through the grass and mud until you found a quiet spot to lay down.

It was past the fence, barely still on land that counted as “Skaikru territory”, but you didn’t give a shit. You weren’t scared of grounders. In fact, you never had been- you were more like them than any of your own people anyways.

About a half hour of staring into the sky above and you felt your throat starting to close. The sanctuary from the nightmares and panic attacks you were seeking outside had failed you, and all of the terror came crawling back.

The drill, all you could hear was the sound of that god damn drill. It wasn’t cutting into you yet, but you were next. And from the way the boy on the table screamed, you knew you were in for hell.

So you kicked and thrashed wildly, pulling on the restraints like an animal. Because that’s what you and your friends had been reduced to- animals. Surviving like cockroaches just to live another day that wasn’t really worth fighting for.

You struggled against the binds to much, intact, that you earned a swift shock to the ribs. The burly guard to your left jabbed a baton to your side and you found yourself gagging and thrashing even more at the impact.

You must have blacked out because the next thing you remembered was lying on a medical table, staring up at the ceiling in mute terror. The boy who’d gone before you must have died, or been taken away, because the room was silent- save for the sound of that god damned drill warming up.

A doctor you’d never seen before suddenly was peering over you, protective mask over his face and apron draped over his torso- probably for the blood. There was going to be a lot of blood.

Before you could protest, or even react, a belt was put in your mouth which the doctor suggested you bite down on, because this was going to hurt.

And then he began drilling, starting with your hip and eventually moving to your shoulder. It couldn’t have lasted more than five minutes, but you’d never forget the pain.

It was excruciating, like nothing you’d ever felt before. And you’d felt a lot before.

“(Y/N)! (Y/N)! It’s a dream- WAKE UP!” You felt a rough pair of hands shake your shoulders. Not once, but twice, until you snapped back to reality and found a wide eyed boy kneeling over you.

Bellamy, Bellamy Blake.

“It’s a dream, you were dreaming,” He repeated himself, making sure you were really with him.

“I-I’m fine,” You brushed him off and sat up, instinctually hugging your knees to your chest.

“Yeah, except that you’re not.” He stated plainly, scooting over to lean his back against the same tree trunk as you were.

The two of you had been in this position before, after he’d destroyed the radio needed to contact the Ark and stop the culling. He’d blamed himself for the massacre of 300 innocent people, and you'd never really understood what that felt like until right then. You’d sat with him and been his shoulder, but even back then you hadn’t known what it was like to feel the weight off all that death. Now you did.

“I’m fine, Bel.” You said again, already feeling yourself putting up walls- closing him off as you had thousands of other times.

Because that was your go-to move, shutting people out when they got too close. And it was fair to say that Bellamy had been getting way too close in the weeks leading up to Mount Weather, way too close.

“You’re forgetting that I was in that room too, (Y/N).” He said quietly, pausing a second before adding, “And I know you.”

“You don’t know me,” You said quickly, “And I’m fine. I’m dealing, Bellamy.”

“Oh, so you call waking up screaming every night 'dealing’??” He argued, turning his head to look at you- but you couldn’t meet his eyes.

“I said I’m dealing,”

But he knew you too well, he knew what you were doing- exactly what you were doing.

“Don’t do that, don’t push me away. You’ve been a ghost ever since Mount Weather-” You flinched at the name, “-you don’t eat, you don’t sleep, (Y/N) you’re not living.”

“You know what, just leave me alone, Bellamy!” You turned to him in a rush of heat, “You can’t save everyone, and you can’t save me! So stop trying to! How the hell did you even find me out here?!”

That was a low blow, even for you, and he knew it too, “How did I find you out here? Maybe because I don’t sleep, I can’t sleep. Maybe because I walk out here every single night because I’m desperate to take my mind off all the shit I’ve done, all the shit I’ve seen. Seriously, (Y/N), you weren’t the only one who pulled that fucking lever. I was there too, remember? You made the call but I was the one who was supposed to get everyone out before things could turn to shit- and I failed. You’re not the only one with skeletons.”

You fell silent, because this little encounter wasn’t what you thought it was. This wasn’t him trying to “fix” you, or make everything better- he needed a shoulder too. And maybe, in his own way, helping you was the only thing that put his mind at ease these days.

“Bellamy, things are never gonna be the way they were before Mount Weather,” You whispered, “I’m never gonna be the same.”

“(Y/N) I promise you these feelings are gonna stop,” He whispered right back, moving his hand silently to brush the top of your own, “And- and I know we’re not conventional, nothing about our lives is ever gonna be conventional. But you and me- us together- that isn’t going anywhere, I’m not going anywhere.”

He was referring to before Mount Weather, when the two of you had been together. Even your first day on earth, when you were experiencing everything lush and green for the first time, you still couldn’t take your eyes off him.

Bellamy had drawn you in from the beginning, and you hadn’t been able to keep away since. The two of you had flirted and looked out for each other when you needed to fend for yourself, but you’d never seen true loyalty until you saw how Bellamy reacted to you being in danger.

From then on you knew he loved you, and you loved him right back. You’d always leant on each other before, so why couldn’t you bring yourself to now?

Was it because you were too ashamed of what you’d done? Was it the guilt? The PTSD? Or was it because you were afraid.

You were afraid you’d broken yourself beyond repair this time, and you weren’t the person he’d fallen in love with anymore.

“How the hell can you still love me? After all the shit I’ve done, Bellamy, how the hell can you still love me??” You asking quietly, keeping your hand still when you feel this on top of it. All you wanted to do was grab that hand, or throw your arms around him or something, but you stayed still.

“(Y/N), I still love you because you’re everything I want to be. And I see you falling apart right now, I see you deteriorating and pushing me away and it’s scaring the shit out of me. I still love you because I can’t picture a world without you in it, I still love you because I have never stopped- I could never stop.”

“I-I...” You were at a loss for words.

You couldn’t quite bring yourself to look at his eyes, but you could scoot closer. You could lean towards him and let him wrap his arms around your shoulders. You could hug him back and let him tell you everything was going to be okay. And for the first time in a long time, it felt like everything actually might be.

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