i think im crazy 7/21/18
oh hey girl. ew. Anyways i just read my last lil journal post and lemme tell you i literally hate myself i was so stupid. That boy that i was talking about, isn't even shit. Like not because he did anything to me, nothing ever happened thank god. He did play one of my bestfriends, its a long story, i cant believe i used to like him and think about him so much its crazy cause hes nothing to me anymore. lol im only talking about him now because i read about him and i think its funny. So since then my life has taken a huge turn tbh. Im about to go into my junior year, the hardest year and i don't think im prepared at all, im barely mentally stable. Alot has happened, biggest thing i guess is that my mom died about a year ago, last summer, she committed suicide. Yep i NEEVVER would have thought i would have one of those tragic lives. Life has been crazy since, my dad is already getting married this September and its a whole mess because he thinks i dont like her but truth is i have nothing against her or them getting married. Its just the fact that hes happier with her than my mom, and odes more for her. My mom deserved the world. She gave us everything and got nothing in return. Alright i dont want to get all emotional I alreasy did that today, like SERIOUS mental breakdown i thought i was crazy. Maybe its just because im on my period. I hope sp, because if not, i have some serious issues i had no idea about. Theres just so much inside my head that i cant ever let it all out at once, EVER. Ive tried but its so much that ill go crazy, i let out alot today and i was scaring myself because im fucking crazy and wont accept help from anyone. When i try to talk to someone my mind just goes blank, like i can only properly think when im alone. IDK maybe i need a therapist. I think the best thing for me to do now is to hold it all in and pretend im fine and just better mydelf until im ok enough to handle it. that made no sense. but thats because i have no idea what im doing. Its okay I kinda have a plan. For the rest of sumer im going to do me. Like better myself in every way possible, im finna eat better, workout, read, understand myslef, be nicer, grow spirittually. yall wont even recognize me. Ive been thinking about what i should be when i grow up, social worker comes up or helping people comes up. I rather help people than helping myself. IDK if that good but thats the truth. I think this is enough for now, i really didnt get into anything but thats okay we got timme:) peace xoxoxox
