I don’t really know how to word this. It’s probably gibberish and it’s quite long. Just having a little space/age regression vent, attachment vent, autism rant, older people and authority roles mentioned, etc. If you are looking to s*xualise age regression then leave NOW. I’m not tolerating any of that. I’ve tried censoring the best I can but my vision is bad, the words don’t look like words, and I’m very tired. This might be triggering for some as abuse and trauma is mentioned so proceed with caution 💜
Regarding the nature of my little age, etc. I think I’ve been regressing to under 3 years old. With how I am with it and how I act overall, also considering when things really started to go wrong for me, 2-3 years sounds the most accurate.
Here we go, don’t say you weren’t warned. This is a RANT thinggg idk.
I’ve never had anyone stay with me while I’m in little space that hasn’t s*xualised it. If I have a plushie that I’m cuddling up to, then it’s always seen as an invitation for s*x. If I’m comfy and happy in something pink or cute, if I feel regulated and safe because I’ve got snug knee socks on, or if I’ve got my hair in pigtails because it reduces the sensory overload from my hair loose and touching me. It’s always seen as a f*tish, rather than being the thing I’ve explained to them in the past. I’ll be deeply content and happy in my space, yet I’m disrupted by constantly turning down physical advances. I have to keep pushing hands away, saying no, trying to free myself while being pinned underneath someone’s weight. I am this way and do these things because it provides immense comfort and regulation. But the second a man sees something child like and innocent, they make it s*xual. I’ve tried to keep the little space as private as I can, I’ve tried keeping it covered behind the autism masking, etc. Men seem to pick up on it and get turned on extremely. It’s disgusting.
It makes me feel worse because a space that I truly feel content in is being turned into a place of violation and disgust for me. All I’ve been longing for is someone to sit with me through it if they choose to, have a gentle and guiding tone, make me feel safe, and add to my comfort. I’ve craved someone to cuddle me, stroke my hair, support me through whatever little things is it I’m doing at the time. But it’s always seen as being k*nky even though I’ve bluntly said it’s not. Also it’s horrible because of the fact that these men are getting aroused by the idea of something child like, pursuing it when I’ve put up boundaries several times, and them still not seeing an issue with what they’re doing about it.
Just being blunt here, yes I get very attached to people, and I’ve been pulling it all apart recently to figure out the pattern, which I have spotted what they’ve all had in common. For nearly 10 years now I think, I come across a new person who behaves a certain way with me specifically and the nervous system latches onto them HARD. There was always laws or rules in the way so overall it would just be seen as wrong. Nothing s*xual involved, but any relationship from that would be frowned upon because of the nature of it. It hasn’t bothered me personally regarding their positions as they have offered out immense safety for me, but I know others feel different as it is all pretty dodgy. Two of these factors is that they’ve always been a lot older than me and they’ve always been in a position of authority. One was a teacher, one was a manager, and one was a doctor. There would’ve been trouble regarding any of these, I know it’s messed up, I do know. Just ranting. From what I’ve been told by various people or heard circling around, I was strangely favourited by these people. Supposedly, they were people who stuck to rules, did their jobs, and overall just were very flat and emotionless. They didn’t go above and beyond for people, they enjoyed their work and they just did what they were meant to in order to keep it that way.
Anyway. I’ll just be longing for them and literally grieving their presence because they are what I need in not only the little space, but other areas of life. It’s been so, so hard to find that anywhere else. They kept me grounded, they made me feel safe, they respected my boundaries and ways, they’d explain things to me, etc. I know you shouldn’t say people are perfect because they’re not and we shouldn’t paint perfect pictures in our heads of people we don’t properly know. But how they handled me and treated me was so perfect for me as an individual. I just never end up having any of them around for long enough, and it never goes any further than the positions we first met in because of safeguarding, rules, etc. Can’t think of the words but I know what I mean.
Since forever, I’ve been treated poorly, blamed, insulted, shunned, singled out, mocked and targetted. It’s only recent years I’ve found out it’s because I’m autistic. With the diagnosis, my whole life has unfolded and began to make sense. The diagnosis acceptance wasn’t the hard part, it was the acceptance of how my life has been because of the lack of support and the overwhelming amount of bad treatment when I hadn’t done anything wrong.
These people I’ve been attached to, they’ve understood me. They’ve picked up on my differences, my ways of functioning, my biggest downsides, my weaknesses, well, everything very quickly. People could know me for years, and even with me explaining things to them they just never get it and everything stays the same. I try so hard, but I still get the same treatment I’ve always had. These attachments just fit me perfectly, and in a world I’ve been singled out in for so long, I don’t feel like that with them. People point out that these attachments are “spoiling” me, giving me “princess treatment”, etc. When all they’ve done in my eyes is treat me in a way that makes me feel like a person and also feel regulated and safe. Their reasoning behind it will probably forever be unknown as it’s been pointed out by others with each of these that they weren’t like that with anyone else. Normally anyone who’s doing a lot of a certain thing for me are s*xually driven. But these people, they were so different. They had many opportunities in my vulnerable state to do something traumatising like everyone else, but they didn’t. They had me alone, they had me dazed and out of it, and they had me when I was in a very poor state of mind. They never took advantage. They continued supporting me and actually doing what was right for me specifically. It struck me hard because of the consistent respect for my boundaries, which I never get anywhere else, and also their ability to pick up on me so unbelievably well and quick. I’m constantly compared to other people and I get shamed and insulted for not being the same as the typical person, when it’s not my fault? They didn’t shame me for anything though.
Regarding the s*x side of things, yes I am drawn to people a lot older than me. I’ve struggled with s*x issues for many years. I’ve been assaulted and abused and the works. I’ve felt disgusted and unsafe for so long that I just let it happen and try to forget now. No matter who I’ve been with, they do the same things to either a lesser or worse degree, so I’ve just let the traumatic experiences keep rolling in and tried to keep moving past it. I’ve never had proper emotions for anyone and been interested s*xually at the same time. I could have a partner and love them, but the idea of s*x with them repulses me. Or rarely I’d be s*xually attracted but I couldn’t imagine a relationship of any sort with them. Like I’ve never really been one to fantasise about anything either. But these people I get attached to, because of the safety and the respect I’ve had from them. I’ve realised I would be comfortable if anything was pursued. In writing this sounds horrible, I know, I’m messed up severely. A lot has happened, I’m beyond damaged. I think I am just deeply attracted to and needing the reinforcement of my safety, respect for boundaries, understanding or willing to learn and understand my differences, the peaceful communication with no judgement, and someone who truly does feel the same extent that I do. If I love, I love hard, and autism means that I do not express it like the standard. My fellow ASD people should hopefully understand what I mean.
I know this is all a lot and probably sounds insane. I’ve probably worded things very wrong to how I’m intending. I’m just spilling out words. I’ve been deep diving into my past experiences with various things recently. The more the patterns pop out to me and the reality of it sinks it, I just feel I need to get it out. No psychiatrist, nurse, or anyone wants this depth. They just want a small detail or a “yes” or “no”, make vague guess, and label me off as things that I’m not. The same with everyone really. I’ve had no empathy recently for anything living, I’ve had hardly any emotion. But I’ve still had the feelings and everything for the person I’m attached to. Because the emotions I do have are so focused on something I will never experience, it’s hitting me hard. I’m overwhelmed. I don’t know. I’ve never met anyone who gets this thing like I do? I try and vent about it and I’ve always been met with nasty comments from people who claim to “not judge” and who are “supportive”. I know it’s rough when I’ve been shunned not only by the BPD groups, but also the Autism and ADHD groups too. If anyone gets the same thing with the attachments and goes into little space too, or age regression. Idk what this is all called because I don’t know about all of this stuff very well. Would anyone be willing to talk about it? Like how they go about things, mutual rants, blah blah blah. I have felt so alone with it amongst many other things. I can’t be the only one surely? Or even just things as a result of similar traumas. Like I have a lot of parental issues, family issues, everything issues. I just need someone who gets it. There has to be someone surely.
If you’ve read this far. Thank you for taking the time. If you want to throw insults and horrible comments then go ahead. I’m used to it. Having feelings, emotions and thoughts is my biggest flaw. I’m open if anyone wants to talk about this kind of thing though. I’m not going to judge, I’m not going to mock. Hearing about other people’s experiences is eye opening and even helps me in ways as well. Thank you 💜💜
