inner turmoil

I'm Sophie and I'm a boring bitch 

[junkiesangel]

[practicalmess]

Those 3 Words

I find it quite silly that I was so worried about you not feeling the same way. Funny how the day after my last post you told me you loved me. You saw me struggle the night prior to tell you something, I would set it up so perfectly, tell you how much you meant to me, how you've changed my life and immediately you'd do or say something funny and I would laugh and forget where I was for a bit. You told me you knew what I was trying to do, that I was an open book. I'll be your open book for as long as you'd like me too. You are all my chapters from start to finish, I could write about you for days. I love you and not a day goes by that I don't appreciate everything you've done for me to make me feel so incredibly special.

[newblogisjacindaelena]

[practicalmess]

Safety net

I find myself falling for you without a safety net, but I know you will catch me. You are brilliant and make me so happy, a feeling I never figured could find its way to me again. I spend my days anxiously awaiting to see you. Your laugh fills me with such warmth. I feel so comfortable with you all while still being so nervous to look you in the eyes. I feel like a child again, giddy and excited for what you're going to do next. I've been waiting for the perfect moment to just tell you how I really feel but I fear you're not at that point yet. I don't want to rush anything and I know you're not going anywhere so at this time: I wait. I'll wait until the perfect moment, when I feel safe like I always do when you're near, then I will tell you how I truly feel.

[guapitimini]

Okay.Okay.

Eternal sunshine of the spotless mind (2004) dir. Michel Gondry

[practicalmess]

3 months

It’s been 3 months since I’ve seen you last. Three months since I’ve let you go. I’d be lying if I said I didn’t worry about you or hope you’re okay from time to time. I’m starting to realize the way I was treated for years that I so often normalized has been so incredibly damaging to my self worth. I find myself apologizing for things I cannot control & feeling so insignificant. I’m teaching myself to be more confident in my choices & do things with meaning instead of doing things because I didn’t want to cause you distress. 

I like to think how others treat their mental health can say a lot about a person. Just because you are struggling does not mean you get a free pass to be abusive and unkind to others. I felt like I could never be my true self because I would be told “You’re too normal” or “You don’t understand my anxiety or depression your life is perfect” which is so incredibly far from the truth. MY feelings are valid and trying to gaslight and diminish my emotions is cruel. I would stop being outgoing, I became overly nervous to do anything to upset you. 

I remember crying in front of you time and time again begging for you to care about me, begging for you to get yourself help so we could have made it and have been happy together but you just didn’t seem to be bothered. You would stare me cold in the face while I sobbed so sad and worried and you would just reply with “Oh god-please stop crying” or just tell me to “just go home”. 

What hurts the most is that I was always encouraging of you and everything you needed. If you needed my support to go to the store because you were anxious I was right there with you. If you needed me to order for you I would. And when it would come to you being there for me you’d just leave me behind. I think you were just so emotionally unavailable and I tried to force it too much. 

I feel incredibly free now, and I know it will take a lot of work to heal the damage you have done to me but I know I’m worthy of love and being valued as a partner and person so I will continue to work on myself and learn to be kind and understanding of myself and my feelings. 

[practicalmess]

The End Has Come...

Its so hard to type this. Looking back at my posts about you makes me feel so hopeless. I felt this way for years and I kept trying and hoping it would get better. Its hard not knowing what the future holds. Its hard letting go of someone you’ve spent so much of your life with. I’ve spent so much time thinking of others I’ve forgotten what I want to do with my own life. What do I genuinely like doing? My entire identity seems so lost. I know a lot of things happen for a reason and the universe has funny ways of timing things but its so hard to trust that the universe has your back and all will end well. I’ve started seeing a therapist and I’m hoping to work through all my feelings soon enough and learn to be myself again. The hardest thing to think of are memories of us slowly fading away & forgetting you will make it finally real. I just have to stay strong and keep pushing forward. I have my friends that I know would do anything for me but in the end I have to be the one to help myself and I can’t depend on anyone else for my own happiness. I just don’t know if surrounding myself every day is so good for me you know? Like it’ll come to a point where someone is gonna be busy and I wont have anyone I cant become dependent on social interaction all the time I fear it’ll make my anxiety worse. I hope everything makes sense soon, I feel so lost and sad and I can’t wait to feel better 

[witchinghour]

Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind (2004) dir. Michel Gondry

[practicalmess]

It’s been a long time

It’s been so long since I’ve talked about my love life. It’s really hard to write this but things are getting difficult for me. I think I’ve lost my happiness. I’m so lonely all the time. I never thought it was possible to be more sad with someone than being alone. I don’t know if I’m strong enough to be with someone who is in this mental state. I’m trying so hard you guys, I’m trying to make him happy and it’s just not working. I always think it’s going to get better but I can’t help someone who won’t help themselves. I just want it to get better but I don’t think it is. I’m so unhappy and no matter how many tines I say I’m unhappy they don’t seem to be concerned. I can’t stand being alone I need to get out of this rut I need to do something. How do I get through this? I don’t know if I can live without him but I think he’d be fine without me. It’s a bad feelings to not feel wanted or loved. I love him so much but I just need change or I need to do something that I know will break my heart.

[5000letters]

I get way too sensitive when I get attached to someone. I can detect the slightest change in the tone of their voice, and suddenly I’m spending all day trying to figure out what I did wrong.

Humans of New York; Amman, Jordan (via bl-ossomed)

[practicalmess]

This is my third time writing this I'm starting to think the world doesn't want me to post happy things I know I said I'd let you guys know when I told him I loved him but honestly me telling him that I loved him was underwhelming. I don't mean that in a bad way but we were at work smashing boxes next to a large and loud machine and I stared at him and he asked "what" and I said "I think I love you..." he stayed quiet and said "I love you too" in a slightly awkward voice (not in a bad way in a "ah she's saying it I don't wanna hurt her feelings" way). He avoided those words for a few weeks after so I let it die and dug myself a grave for my embarrassment. I'm so in love with the idea of love. I'm so incredibly happy, but trust me not everything is wonderful all the time. I've cried myself to sleep a few times, being with someone is so hard every word of advice gets thrown out the window. Thing is, I don't expect Ben to be 100% perfect (that'd be really boring) I understand he's struggling himself and honestly I love him for it. My mom always reassures me whenever I feel like he's unsure of me or himself; "Being with someone is 85% good and 15% bad. It's just all about making sure the 15% doesn't turn into 100% and you're not happy". I feel like I was lucky enough to have a wonderful friend who taught me how to deal with people who struggle with depression and I'm still learning how he wants me to help him and what he means when he says things to me while he's hurting that end up hurting me. I just want Ben to know I'm doing my absolute best and I never want you to feel like you're alone because I am always here for you and I hope you one day feel comfortable telling me how you're feeling on the inside. I know you're reading this because I sent it to you, you have changed my life. You have taken my broken heart and made it whole again. I was so lost before I met you. Sometimes you catch me looking at you and it's just because I can't believe how lucky I am to have you, it can't be real. I never thought I'd be ever worthy of someone loving me and you've changed that. I can't wait to see what the future holds for us. You are truly the best thing that has ever happened to me and you deserve to know. Until next time. - Sophie

[ocallaghan]

[practicalmess]

Someone new

I've found someone wonderful. Someone so wonderful I can't imagine how anyone could hurt him. When He's around, I want to cry. I've been so mistreated in my past and just being around him makes my heart sing. I want to take care of him like how he takes care of me. My entire life revolves around him yet I am still my own person. He gets along with my best friend. It's like I've found these people in my life right now and everything is where it's supposed to be. He makes me laugh. He makes me feel things I never thought I could feel. Even on our bad days I want to see him more than anything. I don't think anything has felt this real to me. No one has ever made me feel this way. I think I'm falling in love with him, but not yet. I'm sure I'll know the moment I do, and when it happens, you'll be the first to know. I just want anyone who's reading this to know, that you have to go through so many shitty heartbreaks to find the one person you're meant to be with. I truly believe me and Ben were meant to be together. I really hope that's true. I want him in my life for as long as possible. Ideally forever, but I won't get too ahead of myself yet. I just want to thank everyone around me who kept me going and told me to never give up. Especially to the men who have broke my heart, thank you for reminding me of who I am and teaching me how to love myself when no one else would. Ben, thank you for giving me a chance and investing your time and love into me when I thought that I wasn't worthy of anything or anyone. You taught me how to be myself. You'll never know how much I appreciate you and for the rest of my life no matter what happens with us you will always be the best part of me. I won't let anything ruin that.

[macerstotheend]

Stella218: 💯

[nevver]

[m3zzaluna]

[guccigoggles-blog]