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YOU ARE THE REASON
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we're not kids anymore.
"I'm Dorothy Gale from Kansas"
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@pre-cise
my first heartfelt experience of womanhood was being a mother and that says a lot about my mindset and identity growing up. I'm so deeply committed to letting my daughter enjoy, and I mean absolutely enjoy everything about being a girl and if I ever have a boy I am going to actively make space for him to enjoy his boyhood in ever possible way - in my house you are always going to be protected from any and all cultural or societal or generational fears
I've been doing my daughter's day care drops for over a month now, I'm super comfortable with the route now so the drive is very comforting and relaxing for the both of us now. Sometimes we play some music otherwise we'll just sit quietly together playing with our thoughts and today I thought to myself, I am soo beautifully proud of myself for what I did over the last 2.5 years. I've not been proud of myself for anything for more than 3 years now. You don't understand, when you become a mother, it is an agreement to have yourself be broken open. I don't know if there ever was a first time mother who was 'confident' or 'put together' or 'feeling herself'. Now sometimes when I look at my daughter being herself in this home of mine, she is so beautiful to look at dancing to some song or just vibing by herself or sitting on the sofa with her milk and fruits all set around her to sip from while watching moana , I know that I paid to build this beautiful little girl up with three years of my mental health. I suffered so much anger and frustration and hopelessness in those early years like almost every other young mother of my generation and most of the time I thought I won't ever make it to joy, I thought my life was over, I kept berating myself for allowing myself to do this and right now she is older, she doesn't need me all the time, she goes to day care, there is a house help and I am finally in touch with my creative energy and I can see possibilities and I have hope for my future and in this context when I look at my daughter I feel sooo proud of myself and I feel soo much love for her. It's this thing about life when you go through hard times and challenging situations there is a light at the other end of the tunnel and it is always rewarding at the end. Being a parent is the hardest job and I feel that way because I know that if you don't do it as well as you can you'll be stuck with someone you don't like as a child for the rest of your life so you just have to keep working on ensuring that the relationship is pure and good and it's hard when you are 30 and they are 2 but is it worth it, 1000000000% .
What does it mean to you to be saved?
P.S Saved here means the Christian concept of being saved. I got saved when I was 12 but it wasn't until mid of 2021 when I was about 26 and had done a full circle around my faith that I had my aha moment or the moment where it clicked.
Anyways, today I celebrate two years of being a mum and my perspectives and mindsets has evolved a lot and I want so share what being saved means to me today.
As of today, being saved means I live without any fear or insecurities. I don't fear that any misgiving or error on my part is going to wreck my future. I have recently started exploring the concept of finding your identity in Christ and it's really helped me a lot to come out of my shell because truly once you accept the crucifixion personally and its truth and reality really sinks in you are sooo honoured to be alive and Christian and you wear your Christianity like a badge of honor. I mean nothing that I could ever do or say or means could keep me from the absolute best that's meant for me. And this to me in my reality looks like wanting so many more children. Atleast two boys because I have two boy names that are such absolute truths that it's only a matter of time before I have them lol. And wanting them soon. It's wanting to build a permanant Home in Kerala close to my ancestral home and close to my family. It's having a town to call my own and a land full of people to call my own and feel deeply tied to and rooted in. It's wanting to expose my children to the best people in the world because truly in my heart I know that the only thing that truly matters in this world is people and relationships and I always want to nurture a beautiful strong community. It's wanting a home that I have absolutely control and authority over. I'm no modern gentle parent. I'm going to have a house where there is values, discipline, clear cut rights and wrongs, deep respect for people and sooo much love and pride in ourselves and our family. It's wanting a hardcore career. Something that I can spend my life mastering and becoming the best at and have my whole family involved in. And then wanting to be really wealthy because you know for me like nothing gives me more joy than making money, planning what to do with it, investing it, spending it and enjoying what I spent it on. Dealing with money gives me such a kick. Discovering Kalari and finding my rhythm in the gym are such precious pursuits - doing right by my body -
To be edited and continued but like I can't get words out of fast enough
My dad turned 60 today. Life teaches you everything. Life breaks into every single one of us. I am witness to a dying father and a lovely little almost two year old. That right there is life. So much grief and disappointment mixed with so much love and joy on a daily basis.
goodnight ☁️🤍
“Since I was young, I have always known this: Life damages us, every one. We can’t escape that damage. But now, I am also learning this: We can be mended. We mend each other.”
— Veronica Roth, Allegiant
That's it, I'm going to start a series documenting how I'm going to cross the raging hate of resistance and learn to be disciplined.
I struggle so much with work. I know about the concept of resistance and how if you power through the resistance then there is the flow and all that. But I have to allow myself to be honest about what I grapple with in the interim - there is so much hate going on there. It's a lump in my throat and an absolute disdain of reality and pressure and commitments but my god I hate what my mind and body has to go through in that interim. I truly hate working so much. I'm so jealous of those who go to work and can just turn the switch and start their work, that is such a blessing. Or people who find some sort of enjoyment from the work. I detest every kind of work that I've done, I abhor it. I would kill work with my bare hands if I could. That's how much I detest it. It's pathetic. But honestly I don't want to carry so much hate for something that I have to carry as a part of my life for so many years into the future. I mean I want to work, I want to contribute, I want to live out my potential and I want to work hard. I simply wish I didn't have to deal with the 'hate'. It's a repulsive emotion, one that really rages within me a lot and I don't know what it is here to teach me, I've clearly not learnt my lesson till now and I have to be patient till it leaves but it is hard and I have to allow it to drain and consume my body and mind while I wait and that makes me so sad because I truly want to experience happiness and joy and love and relaxation and drive and purpose and motivation and meaning
I just can't conquer myself. I wish I didn't have to. Cuz my insides are so difficult. How do I draft and email that says sorry couldn't cross the raging hate today. And you have to deal with the after taste of shame and guilt and stress and the shards of broken values of integrity and honesty work ethic it is hard on my little soul I can only try to make people believe that none of this was my intention
I struggle so much with work. I know about the concept of resistance and how if you power through the resistance then there is the flow and all that. But I have to allow myself to be honest about what I grapple with in the interim - there is so much hate going on there. It's a lump in my throat and an absolute disdain of reality and pressure and commitments but my god I hate what my mind and body has to go through in that interim. I truly hate working so much. I'm so jealous of those who go to work and can just turn the switch and start their work, that is such a blessing. Or people who find some sort of enjoyment from the work. I detest every kind of work that I've done, I abhor it. I would kill work with my bare hands if I could. That's how much I detest it. It's pathetic. But honestly I don't want to carry so much hate for something that I have to carry as a part of my life for so many years into the future. I mean I want to work, I want to contribute, I want to live out my potential and I want to work hard. I simply wish I didn't have to deal with the 'hate'. It's a repulsive emotion, one that really rages within me a lot and I don't know what it is here to teach me, I've clearly not learnt my lesson till now and I have to be patient till it leaves but it is hard and I have to allow it to drain and consume my body and mind while I wait and that makes me so sad because I truly want to experience happiness and joy and love and relaxation and drive and purpose and motivation and meaning
Replacing 'ambition' with 'satisfaction'. I want to imagine how different my life would be if I was driven by satisfaction and not ambition. The goal is to be satisfied. My real goal is truly to be satisfied. I don't want to grow after a point. I want to be satisfied. I want to enjoy the feeling of satisfaction, the feeling of "I have it all, thank you, no I don't need anything else, I have it all, take a look, I don't need anything anymore." So much pressure is off, so much mental freedom.
This is my era of learning to let go of the need to be "cultivated" , I don't give two hoots anymore about being polished and developed i wanna exist as truly and really as possible I wanna let language flow as honestly as possible from my heart, truth wins over formality, real beauty over an aesthetic, comfort over elegance, intuition over knowledge, this is my mum era and I swear I'm channeling something so raw and almost animalistic and earthy in this season of my life
I lost all airs and pretense the moment that kid came out of me you know and I intend to embrace every ounce of this freedom that came with the erasure of a personality
I just wanna take care of babe forever like I truly just wanna pour into feeding her, bathing her, playing with her, doing her hair, watching her fall asleep everything the full deal this toddler stage is such a gift y'know I was a little disappointed when I first found that my babe was not going to be a boy cuz I soo wanted to be a mum to a boy and I was soo sure it would be a boy but my god little girls are so much fun and there's a way they pour into your soul like no one else can like babies love so hard and so unconditionally
I know the toddler stage gets a lot of hate but I love it soo much because it's unbelievably cute when they start doing human things like waking up and staying groggy for a few minutes, bed hair, like I can't believe my baby has bed hair like she's never had hair to begin with so to see her just sitting on the bed rubbing her eyes and motionlessly staring into the distance with like spikes on her head is 🤍🤍🤍 they start pointing to what they want and she's got this thing she'll bring her face into the space between my neck to sleep and I love that so much and they are always gifting you things tiny thread on the floor, scrap paper, chocolate wrapper whatever they are always bringing you tiny things and they want a bite of everything that you eat and I will never forget the first time she wanted to drink juice out of a straw like you can't unsee the moment a tiny human fights for the cup and positions the straw with their grubby hands and does the thing with their little lips to figure out how to get the juice up without blowing into the cup you can't unsee it or ever erase it from your memory
Breast feeding a toddler means she just stops at my work from home desk every so often for a quick standing snack before scooting off to play again lol what has life come to
It's so easy to love your babe if the mum is well fed and in good company lol
I'm the kind of hot mess that you get when as a kid one part of your brain got awed by God and faith and miracles and another by the concept of girl bossing through life and another by all these happy well functioning traditional families around you - my brain is a soup I tell you. How else do you explain the same brain wanting to be a stay at home mum with all the vibes while at the same time being a soft girl who doesn't wanna work just channel those earth mother vibes but also has no purpose to wake up if it's not an office day - my brain is a soup I tell you. I don't think I'm ever getting out of myself.
