Summary: You and Joel had been together for a while now, but your deteriorating mental health hadn’t gotten better. Between doctor’s appointments and nights locked away from the world, Joel had a decision to make.
Includes: Mentions of suicide, mental health problems, anxiety and breakdowns, Joel being kind of a meanie, fluff at the end and Joel eventually being a big caring softie 😚
A/N: Thank you to @yeswhale456 for the prompt for this little mini fic, pleaseee everyone please send any ideas for fics you’d want me to write between chapters of SYTI!! Hope you enjoy 🫶
Blazing summer sun beat through the heart of Jackson as spring rolled away, the town now thrumming with life because the storms and frosted mornings were long gone.
You were out in the garden; the garden you shared with Joel.
Half of the grass lay untouched by the morning sun, shadowed by the tall and beautiful house you’d been living in for around 4 months now. The house you and Joel had worked to turn into a home, together.
It had been a home before, a home filled with gradually building trust and love between Joel and Ellie. Of course she’d since moved into the garage, no longer wanting to be bound to the bedroom to the left of the stairs, wanting to start her life not being her father figure’s young shadow anymore.
But ever since he’d met you just a year after, the house began to feel a little bit more like home.
You’d never experienced a relationship like this before. Never having seen anything resembling love in your life, it had been a hard adjustment to make.
You hadn’t exactly made the best first impression on Joel either, trying to stab the doctors in the hospital after you first arrived in Jackson.
It confused you, the idea that someone could care so much about you that they’d be willing to do anything for you.
There you stood in the garden, the first rays of sun beginning to cast down over the top of the roof on to your sweat stained skin. A large chopping block stood to the corner by the shed, where you stood bringing down an axe repeatedly to meet wood for the hobby Joel loved so much.
The man himself stepped on to the back patio, leaning against the fence with a soft smile on his face as he watched you. Your bruised up arm muscles rippled as you swung the axe down, a concentrated but sharp look in your eyes.
These last few months had been hard on you, trying to adjust to a completely new way of life that even slightly resembled peace. You’d had a hard, traumatised life and Joel vowed to do his best to help you heal, just like he was.
After a moment of simply watching you, contentment but a hint of worry in his soft golden eyes, he began to walk slowly towards you, your back turned to him.
He came up behind you, hands sliding to your waist. You tensed, pausing mid swing as you felt his warm palms graze your hips. A couple of moments later you swung the axe down into the log and left it there, turning to face him.
“Hey, sweetheart.” Joel muttered, voice full of gentleness but slight hesitation. You gave him a weak smile, arm coming up to swipe off the droplets of sweat beading on your forehead.
You put your hand on the side of his arm. “Hey.” You mumbled in return, quiet and reserved as always.
Joel never minded. He was patient, more patient than anyone else would be with someone as damaged as you. He knew you had off days, you were bound to.
Joel tucked a strand of loose hair from your ponytail behind your ear, grazing your earlobes and the top of your neck making you shiver and wince slightly. “You alright out here?” He asked, eyebrows furrowed slightly.
You responded with a nod, not meeting his eyes. For the last week you’d seemed off, more than usual. He knew why of course.
You’d asked Tommy to put you on patrol, and he told you to get the doctor’s permission first. When you’d been denied, you holed yourself up in the bedroom for as long as you could before Joel had to physically drag you out.
He pursed his lips, stroking the side of your head in a soothing manner but his touch only made your stomach turn.
“Honey.” He looked sternly at you but not without deep care. “You missed your doctor’s appointment earlier. That tells me you ain’t okay.”
“I’m fine, Joel.” You snapped, admittedly a little more harshly than intended but you didn’t apologise. Instead, you avoided glancing at that hurt expression on his face and turned back to the log you’d been chopping up before.
“Don’t need a goddamn doctor’s appointment.” You sighed, shaking your head and picking up the axe again, gloves covered in dirt and tiny specks of wood chips. “I just need to be left the fuck alone.”
You shuffled away from his touch, turning your back to him as his hands fell from the sides of your face.
Joel stood there behind you, watching every swing of your arms as you went back to chopping the wood again. He was at an impasse.
Tommy had asked him the previous night to go on patrol. Not any regular patrol, but rather a couple of days of scouting out the further east side of Jackson County.
About two days before, they’d spotted a couple of people sniffing around the woods, spying on Jackson from afar before moving East and potentially camping out there.
They needed people to go and check it out. Ever since the winter, Jackson had been short on people for patrol after a run in with a horde a couple miles west of town. Everyone knew that Joel was one of the best. One of the most skilled and arguably the best damn fighter Jackson had ever seen.
He would have to leave, but he wasn’t so sure everything would be fine with you staying all alone.
Joel turned, leaving you to chop away at the wood and immediately heading down to Town Hall.
He needed to figure something out before you fell apart.
“She’s a danger to herself, Tommy.”
Joel’s voice was loud in the office above the Town Hall, venting out loud to his brother who sat in Maria’s usual office chair behind the desk.
He paced back and forth, rubbing at his chin as stressed bored at the edges of his mind.
Tommy stared up at him, trying to think of a way to help his big brother without lighting a fuse. You weren’t the only one in town with a short temper.
“She’s ain’t a child, Joel.” Tommy sighed out, glancing over at the window as people laughed and chattered outside on the streets below. “She can handle bein’ without ya for a couple days.”
“I know she ain’t a child, Tommy.” Joel snapped out of frustration, still pacing anxiously as his heart pounded between his ribs. “She ain’t a child, but I’m scared to leave her alone in the house for too long. I’m scared she’s gonna try and…”
He trailed off, cutting his own sentence before the pain in his heart got any worse. He took a deep breath, pausing his pacing and turning to look down at his brother.
“I’m scared I’m gonna come back from patrol and find her dead on the fuckin’ floor.” Joel whispered, scared to speak the words out loud incase they manifested into real life. “Wouldn’t be the first time she’s tried it, Tommy. I don’t wanna deal with that shit again. Never.”
A few beats of silence passed before Tommy let out a deep exhale, scratching the corner of his chin with a frown. “I can speak to Doctor Collins, see if she can get daily check-ins or whatever but-“
“-We both know damn well she won’t like having a doctor checkin’ on her every day. Hell, she don’t even like going to appointments at all.” Joel sighed, moving to take a seat opposite Tommy at the desk.
His brother thought long and hard for a solution to help Joel. What could he even do? Everyone in town knew how much of a loose cannon you were, given all of your outbursts from the early days of you coming to Jackson.
“I don’t know what to suggest here, Joel.” Tommy eventually breathed out, leaning back in his chair. “I mean, the girl’s not right. She’s not well, everyone knows it. You know it. What option is there?”
Joel pondered for a while, contemplating different ideas and options in his head and none sounded right, not one of them.
You were his girl, his everything. He thought he’d never be able to love someone ever again until he met you. The idea of losing you to whatever you were struggling with was one he couldn’t even bear to think about.
A few minutes went by, before Joel had finally made up his mind. He knew what he had to do, regardless of how bad this could turn out.
“If she won’t help herself, someone else’ll have to do it for her.”
Evening had rolled in after you’d spent all day out in that garden, either chopping wood or sitting in the grass under the sun. You stood in the kitchen, brewing a cup of herbal tea Joel had traded for as a present for your birthday a few months ago.
Your heart sat heavy in your chest. Bags had formed under your eyes after countless nights of lying awake beside Joel, staring up at the ceiling.
You didn’t want to feel so damaged. So traumatised and so unlovable that you couldn’t even fathom Joel’s love for you. You couldn’t understand how someone like him could be with someone like you, even now.
You stood by the boiling water, lost in a complete daze waiting for it to finish without hearing the front door open and close.
Joel moved slow, mentally preparing himself for whatever war he was about to start. No matter how this would go, it wouldn’t be good.
“We need to talk.” Joel sighed as he moved into the kitchen. You didn’t even hear him. You just stayed stood there staring at the wall as if you were asleep with your eyes open.
Joel stared at your back, feeling frustration and worry bubbling in his chest as he moved behind you and stood there, fists repeatedly clenching and unclenching by his sides.
“You’re not well.” He spoke, voice the only sound in the kitchen save for the bubbling of heating water on the stove. You didn’t move, but this time you heard him.
You moved to take the water off of the heat, movements delayed and tired as if it was difficult to even move your arms. Joel shook his head, chewing the inside of his cheek trying to keep his cool.
“Can you even hear me?” He asked, raising his voice up a notch in volume as he stood behind you.
“I can fucking hear you Joel.” You snapped loudly, matching his volume as your hands trembled, pouring the boiled water into a cup where the tea was ready to be strained.
“Yeah? Well then you must’ve heard me say you’re not well.” He bit back, trying so damn hard to keep his temper in check.
“I let you lock yourself up in this goddamn house for weeks. I looked after you, took care of you when you had episodes every other fuckin’ night. You need help.”
“I never asked you to do any of that, Joel!” You raised your own voice, turning to face him now with a storm forming behind your eyes. It was like he wasn’t even looking at you.
Whenever you got like this, it was hard to see the person he knew at all.
“I never asked you to look after me Joel! I don’t want your help!” You yelled, slamming the spoon you’d used to stir your tea down on the counter with aggression he’d seen you use too many times to count on one hand.
“I won’t stand by and watch you hurt yourself like this!” Joel shouted, not nearly as loud as you had but enough to get his point across.
Your eyes darkened, rage forming on your worn down features as the two of you faced off in the middle of the kitchen. “No one’s asking you to!” You yelled at him, moving to leave the kitchen.
Before you could leave, Joel’s hand gripped your arm and he spun you around to face him.
It was forceful, but not enough to hurt you. Just enough to make sure you couldn’t run away.
He stared down at you, panting and clearly hating whatever he was about to do.
“No.” He growled out, shaking his head. “I don’t care, I don’t care what you wanna say. You’re going to the goddamn clinic and you’re gonna stay there until I’m back from patrol.”
Your eyes widened, pure rage filling up every part of your body.
“What?” You breathed out, a slither of panic rolling through your bones.
Joel couldn’t meet your eyes, and you felt your stomach sink as he began to tug you towards the front door with enough force you couldn’t pull away.
Joel knew that no matter how angry you were at him, you wouldn’t hurt him to escape.
“You’re going to the fucking clinic, and you’re gonna stay there until I’m back!” He shouted with anger and worry as he pulled you towards the door and swung it open, tugging you forcefully out on to the porch.
“I won’t let you hurt yourself. I will not come home to you dead. You need help, and you’ll get it whether you want it or not!”
“Joel!” You yelled out loudly, the two of you now in the street as the sun was beginning to fall beneath the horizon.
“Joel, let me go!” You shouted, pulling and resisting but his grip on you wouldn’t let up. “I don’t need help! You’re fucking crazy!”
“No!” Joel’s voice boomed out into the street and he didn’t look back as he dragged you down the street through the growing darkness, towards the medical clinic that sat at the edge of town.
“If either of us is crazy, it’s you! You need help!”
His words felt like a stab to the gut.
You stopped resisting him, completely stunned by his words. He continued to pull you towards the clinic and your heart felt like it weighted tons between your ribs.
“Joel, no, please don’t!” You cried out, panicked tears now welling in your eyes as the clinic got closed in the distance.
Through the blur in your eyes, you saw two figures stood beside the clinic doors move towards you.
“What the fuck, Joel!” You screamed out through your tears that now morphed into full blown sobbing.
Memories flooded through you. Memories of being abandoned, being left for dead outside of Jackson’s walls. It happened so many times you should’ve expected this would happen sooner or later.
A full, heavy wave of panic rushed through you as the two men took you from Joel’s grip, restraining your arms as you fought back against them.
“Joel, don’t leave me, please!” You sobbed out, and as the men began to move you towards the clinic doors, Joel stopped them.
He had a look of complete anguish on his face. Joel looked like he was on the verge of tears himself. He moved over to you and took your weeping face in his hands.
“I’m not leaving you.” He told you firmly, but you couldn’t believe him. Not when he’d dragged you to the clinic to leave you there against your will.
He held your face firmer as you tried to look at him through your sobs.
“I’m not leaving you, baby. You need help.” He muttered, guilt swimming behind his eyes that were welling up. “You need help, I’m sorry. I’ll be back in a few days. Just…just let the doctors help you. Please.”
You coughed and spluttered through your sobs, the arms dragging you backwards into the clinic as you watched Joel standing there, staring as you were being pulled away.
“Joel, please!” You cried out, trying to resist against the men’s hold on you before you could disappear behind the clinic doors.
Joel didn’t move, just turned away and put his face in his hands.
Moments later, you were gone and inside the clinic.
It was done. It was done, and now all Joel could do was hope for the best and go on the patrol, no matter how much it tore him up inside to leave you there.
The patrol was successful.
Days had passed smoothly despite the sleepless nights Joel spent laying awake regretting his decision to leave you at the clinic.
The group of people they’d been sent to look for had been slaughtered by what must have been clickers. Joel and his patrol team had found the bodies at their campsite. They’d even managed to take out the group of infected that had probably killed them.
No matter how much of a success the patrol had been, he needed to get home. He needed to get home and be with you.
Joel hadn’t slept, mulling over everything he’d said and everything he’d done wrong that night. He’d called you crazy. He’d taken you to the clinic against your will.
After all of that, he was still put at ease knowing that he wouldn’t come home to find that you’d gotten worse, or even killed yourself.
The trek back to Jackson was fairly easy. No run ins with infected or any people. The grand doors of home creaked open as guards turned the mechanisms, letting everyone back inside to safety.
Guard dogs sniffed at everyone, checking for bites or signs of infection and found nothing. Everyone was clean.
Tommy was there with folded arms, standing worriedly by the gates waiting for the moment his brother would come back.
Joel dismounted his horse and barely even got a chance to catch his breath before Tommy was by his side.
“You’ve gotta come with me, now.” He breathed out, and Joel’s eyes shot open with alarm.
He knew immediately that it was you. He knew. He always did.
Tommy and Joel sprinted towards the clinic where you’d been staying for the last few days. Panic and fear washed over him the closer they got. Of course something would go wrong, he should’ve known. He should’ve known you would try something.
He should’ve been there for you. No matter how needed it was to force help upon you, it was wrong of him to make you think he’d abandoned you like everyone else had.
The clinic doors swung open and Joel yelped in surprise when a blurred object flew past his vision, nearly taking him out.
It was chaos. Absolute chaos.
There you were, stood down the end of the clinic hallway looking just as feral as the day you’d arrived in Jackson.
Random hospital equipment was being flung by your hand at the group of doctors trying to get you to calm down, to no avail.
You were in a hospital gown, hair brushed but messy and disheveled as the rest of you was. Your eyes were bloodshot from what must have been days of crying and no sleep.
You looked just as broken as the day he’d met you.
“Get the fuck away from me!” You screamed at the doctors, keeping them at bay by hurling objects in their direction with a scalpel in one of your hands. “You fucking psychos sticking needles in me! Where the fuck am I!?”
Joel’s eyes widened. Of all the scenarios he’d pictured in his head of what he’d be coming home to, this was not one of them.
“Shit, she’s having an episode.” Joel muttered in a panic as doctors tried to get closer to you, but you threatened them with the scalpel in your hand again.
You hadn’t even noticed Joel and Tommy by the doors, too lost in your own mind as memories and trauma throbbed through your skull.
The doctors glanced over at Joel, silently begging for help as you threw more objects down the hall in their direction.
“What do we do, Joel?” Tommy called out to him as he slowly moved to where the doctors were huddled together.
“Just hold on!” Joel called out back to him, pushing his way through the crowd of doctors.
Soon enough he was at the front of the group, now standing in front of them as you threw more stuff their way.
Joel shouted your name, hopefully loud enough to bring some sense back into you. He stood with his arm outstretched, hand up to try and get you to stop.
“Sweetheart, it’s Joel!” He called out, distressed by the sight of you in so much fear and panic. You stood there pointing the scalpel at him and the doctors, a distant look in your eyes that said you weren’t even there at all.
This happened during episodes. You got lost in your own mind, the pain too much to bear. So painful you forgot where you were. Forgot you were safe.
“Stay the fuck back!” You screamed once again, heaving for breath. Joel’s eyes softened and his eyebrows furrowed, hoping to god he could calm you down after leaving you here all alone.
Joel took a slow, very cautious step forward. “Honey, it’s me. It’s Joel.” He spoke softly but loud enough for you to hear, but you were pacing back and fourth glaring at everyone in the vicinity.
“He left me! He left and I’m alone again! I can’t do this!” You yelled, hands sliding into your hair and pulling at it like you wanted to rip it from your scalp. “Where the fuck am I!? Let me go!”
“No one’s left you, sweetheart.” Joel breathed out calmly, heart aching heavily in his chest.
You thought he’d left you. Thought he’d abandoned you, just as he feared you would. “No one’s left you, I’m here.” He took another step forward.
You pointed the scalpel at him, eyes wide and panicked as he got closer. “D-don’t move! Don’t you fucking dare move!” You cried out, the hand holding the weapon trembling as your eyes darted around the room.
Joel kept his hand raised, expression calm, not reflecting the turmoil that had built inside of him. “Baby, baby it’s Joel. It’s me.” He took another very small step closer.
You stood there panting, eyes wide with both of your hands trying to grip the scalpel steadily. You were trembling, eyes glazed with unshed tears.
You didn’t say anything now, falling silent as your heartbeat pounded in your eardrums.
Joel managed to get close enough now, scalpel level with his chest so close it could probably touch his front. He stayed there, standing as you stared up at him.
Neither of you moved for a minute.
He wanted to give you a moment. A moment for recognition to hit you. For the panic to subside once you realised he was really there, standing in front of you.
A few seconds later, Joel’s hand came to rest over yours, touch gentle like he was scared you’d break. Your grip on the scalpel wavered as his touch covered yours.
Your eyes glistened under the clinic lights, the fluorescent hum burning your irises and skin.
It was deathly silent in the clinic hallway.
Your eyes lowered to his hand as it cupped over yours. His fingers pushed between yours, gently prying them open and slowly sliding the scalpel out from your grasp.
You didn’t move to stop him, so he removed it from you and placed it on the counter beside him.
A few moments of nothing went by, before a choked sob wracked through your whole body.
“Joel.” It came out weak, broken and soft as the episode began to fade away under the hospital lights.
A relieved, grateful exhale released from his lips just hearing your voice and his arms immediately closed around your trembling body.
The moment they did, you broke.
It was like a dam released and everything came rushing over you. Your arms came up to grip him like you were drowning and he was pulling you out of the water.
Cries echoed through the hall and Joel’s lips pressed to your temple, breath warm and comforting against your face.
“I’m here, baby.” Joel whispered, eyes welling up against his will as he held you tighter than he’d ever held you. “I’m sorry, I’m so sorry.”
The two of you stayed like that for a while, you crying into him inconsolably as he let you, just holding you with such tenderness you couldn’t even fathom it.
“You’re here, you’re here…” You sobbed out, sniffling and choking on your own breaths as you buried your face into his chest, feeling his grounding arms enveloping you warmly.
Both of you had forgotten the doctors and Tommy standing just down the hall watching the entire thing. Joel’s brother ushered the doctors away quietly, telling them you guys would need a minute. They all dispersed, leaving you to cry into Joel like you couldn’t breathe without him.
“I’m here sweetheart. I’m not goin’ anywhere.” Joel whispered against the side of your cheek where he pressed gentle kisses, one hand stroking your hair and the other resting soothingly on the middle of your back.
“I thought- I thought you were gone…” You sobbed, knuckles white from your intense grip on the front of his shirt.
“Shhh, shhh…” He gently soothed you and lowered you to the floor so he could hold you better.
He grunted as his back twinged, sitting on the floor and letting your body curl up on his lap as he held you. “I shouldn’t’ve left you, baby. I’m so sorry.” He breathed out, forehead resting on your temple as you clung to him.
“N-no, you were…” You sniffled, wiping your bloodshot eyes as tears streaked down your pale cheeks. “You were right. I’m sick. I’m sick and I didn’t want to get better.” You choked in a breath.
Joel pulled you away slightly, cupping your flushed face in his calloused, comforting hands. You could feel the warmth of his breath against your mouth.
You continued, sniffling. “I didn’t want to get better, because I don’t know who I am without this…this pain.”
Joel’s thumbs stroked and caressed your cheeks, letting you speak as his heart weighed heavy with your every word. “I’ve never felt normal. Never felt deserving of anything, especially you.” You hiccuped, moving your hands to hold the sides of his neck. “I’m sorry, I’m so sorry Joel.”
“Hey, it’s okay baby.” He muttered sweetly in your ear, calmly shushing you and hopefully getting you to relax.
“I know. I just…I couldn’t watch you get worse and not be able to do anythin’ to stop it.” He explained in a breath, brushing your hair away from your face.
“You’re everythin’ to me, sweetheart. Everythin’. I need you to try. I need you to fight, baby. Hell, I’d go through this every damn day if it meant you wouldn’t hurt so much.”
You stared into his eyes, trying to take deep breaths as your heat rate gradually began to slow down. The warmth of his gaze, his hands and his face grounded you more than you could ever say with words.
“I- I want to…” You trailed off, trying to find the right words. You leaned forward, pressing your forehead against his and closing your eyes. “I want to get better. I want to because I need you Joel. You’re all I want.”
Joel smiled and fought from crying. He wasn’t the type to cry, he wasn’t even sure you’d ever seen him cry before. He was going to be strong because you needed it. You needed strong. You needed strong to help you be the same.
“You have me.” He whispered and pressed his lips to yours.
His lips were chapped and breath smoke-stained but fuck you needed it to breathe. You kissed him back with desperation, like he was oxygen. Your mouth pressed to his and the weight felt ten times lighter, because you knew Joel was here.
He was here, and here for you.
You pulled away and Joel brought his thumbs up to wipe away your tears, and a soft exhausted laugh escaped you.
“I’ll do treatment.” You whispered, shaking your head. “I’ll do anything for you, but…” You took a deep breath. “But I need you here. I need…”
“I know.” He sighed, stroking your hair with a tired smile on his lips. “I know, baby. I’m here, and I’ll be here the whole damn time, okay? You have me.”
You kissed Joel again and acceptance seemed to wash over you, but for once it felt good.
It felt real and it felt hopeful, because Joel was the only person you’d ever need, and he was right there with you.
titsay
blakekathryn
turnnoffyourmind
discoholicmusic
areudirty
kianamaiart
snowghoul
kaledo-art