Stand by me
In a distant memory, somewhere between dream and reality, I was on a lonely road. A dark path I really didn't want to walk down. Like watching a horror movie, where you scream at the screen not to go there, but the character does anyway. So did I. Because the other paths were impassable. And as I did, I got braver and I decided to face the monsters, mostly on my own. In doing so I became a bloody slayer. A champion of dark solitaire paths and running the gauntlet.
I had cancer. A word I had hardly wanted to pronounce before my diagnosis. As if it would make me more likely to get it if I talked about it or by watching cancer charity ad on TV that made me squirm and reach for the remote... Reason being, I didn't understand enough about it.
I was, like most people, in avoidance, in denial that such a thing could ever happen to me. It happens to other people, right? Well, duh, it clearly doesn't. And boy did I learn the hard way. But that story has already been told. And so has some of the following shocker years of operations and harsh treatments. There is no need to revisit today.
However 'the now' is a more difficult story to tell. Because it has no proper direction nor does it have a set end. It silently rolls along. The combative mind continues its daily quest to the gym for pain relief and prolongation of life. Where dark thoughts are quashed in the leg press or Smith machine.
It's a story of living in coexistence with an endless long post cancer medicated void, where the dark clouds are always lurking somewhere not too far away. You can see them in the distance and you can hear the rumble. If you choose to. But I don't, most of the time. I used to hate thunder by the way, when I was little. I was afraid. So much so I vomited profusely sometimes. Reason being, I didn't understand enough about it.
During the last couple of years I have been caught up in a few potential storms but they were avoided in the end. Going through the mental torture of investigations and waiting for results become part of the parcel, so to speak. But it never gets easier. I am just better at dealing. Reason being, I understand enough about it.
Now we have entered a new decade. Glancing back, the last decennary was one to remember. Many would argue, to forget. But I disagree. Although I admittedly look back with sobriety of silent mournfulness, I also uphold abundant pride. For what I see is someone facing up to fears and dealing with tribulation. Finding that inner strength when the body is weak. When bedridden for months on end, in chemo haze and morphined benumbed existence. When crying in exhaustion and pain. When looking like a ghost of former self.
Humbled by the care received and the selflessness in those who tend to us in our darkest hours, gives dauntless force of mind. I learned so many things. Most of all I learned to know more of myself and the unvarnished truth of life. Reason being, I understand.
So, a new year. And a new storm might be forming. I'll face the eye of the storm if it turns out I need to. But this time all I ask, most humbly, instead of being in solitude on that lonely road, will you stand by me?
Soundtrack
https://open.spotify.com/track/6rrmZBm4bowX4QgbeeSXaT?si=1yMVedX9QMWtqDCaUFq3Lg
Stand by Me,
Camishe, Max Oazo