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@pressedflowersandbooks
“Do not find peace. Find passion. Find something you want to die for more than something you want to live for.”
— The Retribution of Mara Dyer by Michelle Hodkin
12/5 | City Lights Bookstore, San Francisco
Théâtre de la Reine | by les.expos.de.leon
Fox Theatre Audritorium in Detroit, MI
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“Stop thinking all the time that you’re in the way, that you’re bothering the person next to you. If people don’t like it, they can complain. And if they don’t have the courage to complain, that’s their problem.”
—
““And she finds it difficult to believe — that a person would love her even when she isn’t trying. Trying to figure out what other people need, trying to be worthy.””
—
Every time you think “they could have hurt me worse”, remember that you shouldn’t have been hurt at all. You should have received support and help on everything you struggled with. You should never have faced pain from the hands of your loved ones. You should have been safe and happy and without a care in the world as a child. That’s what you compare your abuse to.
me as a kid: eats irregularly, gets stressed, scared and depressed every day of the week, gets eaten up by anxiety, dissociates for weeks, has crazy dangerous ideas of how to cope, self harms, gets abused by toxic friends, falls into obsessions to have meaning in life
my parents: literally do not notice a single thing
me: neglected? me? excuse me but I am ToughTM and do not REQUIRE ATTENTION
Return 2 sender
empathy is a bitch
maybe i’m afraid to hate
some of you have never been in a certain paralyzing state of terror when your parent is furious because any wrong move might send them over the edge and result in pain and it shows
Have you noticed how parents judge other parents based on how well can they control the child?? Like you’re considered a good parent if the child is obediently spending all day working and never makes unwelcome noises or anything that would annoy the adults? If you can train your child into an obedient robot-slave-profit-machine then congrats you win the good parent medal everyone should look up to you be proud of making your child super convenient to your life? If the child has feelings or wants and needs and asks questions or shows any kind of behavior that adults consider socially unacceptable then parents are to force it back under control, shut them down and remind them to be as convenient as possible unless they want to be a burden to the family and punished for it. And parents fucking fall for this shit, they will abuse their child into obedience literally just to uphold their social status and to be able to brag to others just how well they’ve trained the child, hell, they will even order their child around in front of others, only to show off at how well they’re able to control and humiliate them, and this kind of sick sadistic slave-fantasy will generally be approved upon! The image of obedient child equals a good child is like a disease that adults spread and uphold and force onto children.
No human being is born to listen to orders of another! No not even if you gave them birth and kept them from dying, and now expect they’re required to do whatever you want in return, they don’t owe you obedience! They don’t owe you their lives put under your control! Their lives belong to them! Honestly if you bring the child into the world that requires them to tear themselves apart for the comfort and satisfaction of others, that’s not child’s fault, it’s your fucking fault, you had the control over having the baby, the child did not. Fucking protect your children from those who would subject them to a life of being controlled and forced into obedience, rather than becoming the perpetrators of this abuse because it’s fucking convenient and it would take you 2 minutes of thinking about what would be a better thing to do.
person: I love my parents !! They’re the best !!!
me:
Abusive parents force you to hide things you would otherwise never have to worry about hiding, because you learn that they can flip out about anything, make a scene from anything, misunderstand one detail and go insane over it. So you don’t tell them about anything you can avoid, and you try to deal with things yourself as much as humanely possible, which takes the burden of taking care of you from them, and onto your shoulders.
This is dangerous as well because you don’t tell them about a friend who did something horrible to you, you don’t tell them about a sociopath who tried to groom or touch you, you don’t tell them about horrifying heartbreak you feel when someone abandons you, you don’t tell them when your world is falling apart because you know that at best, they’ll be uninterested, at worst, they will tell you it was your fault and you deserved it.
Living in secrecy becomes normal and when you develop trauma symptoms it once again feels like it’s your fault because you never said anything, you never told them how much they were hurting you, you didn’t speak up and open up about your problems. But how in the world would you? You know if you had, all that you would get is insults, blame, threats, guilt and shame thrown in your face, how could you possibly take that on top of having trauma symptoms? You can’t, it’s not worth risking. Suffering in silence becomes your only survival option, and you watch your heart break a little more every day that nobody cares that you’re breaking apart.
What’s it’s like to have parents who care about what you want or need or your feelings or about you in general? I’ve never had one care about anyone other than themselves and always claim to me it was “love”. Leaving me utterly confused as why love left me hurting SO much and longing for SO much. Which their “love” is actually them making you feel like shit about yourself 24/7 because they don’t view your needs, wants, feelings or self as equal to whatever they feel. Whatever they feel will always win because they don’t valve you as a person- to them you are property or their blood. You always mean less, no matter what. They will never see you as more than property/blood/object and all it does is leave you hurting everytime they do it and act like it’s nothing and they are doing nothing to you. Something so basic as recognizing a humans needs, emotions and feelings- is nothing. Hell even a toddler can recognize when someone is upset, your parents are CHOOSING to ignore your feelings, thoughts, etc. because in the end you are nothing more than an object in their eyes, not deserving of something so basic.
It’s weird, you can so use to having no say, no one caring what you think or feeling that when someone asks you are thrown off- cause you aren’t quite sure how you feel. You’ve spent years pushing down your emotions cause you were told they were important- to the point you can’t even recognize what you or feeling or in a normal relationship others DO care how others feel or what they think. With toxic parents/emotional abusive parents you get used to being a ghost to your feelings and going with what your parents feel, think, etc. this isn’t a thing in normal child-parent relationships- it’s a two way street where each equally care what the other thinks, feels, wants, etc. that how relationships work- they aren’t suppose to authoritative relationships!!!