Shelly's Shiny Note

pfp:art@Girutea

[pretentious-art-love]

Comic Journal #20 - The Villianess Turns the Hourglass

Webtoons are the most annoying medium in existence, I can't catalog them anywhere! MyAnimeList? No, Serialized? No, Goodreads? No, I found this series on Storygraph, but turns out its the light novel version! There was a light novel of this? Well, I need to write what I felt somewhere, so here I am!

This story is nothing short of amazing. It's vile, petty, and mean. The story deals with a woman who after she's killed manages to go back a decade in time and with her learned knowledge she turns everyone against her younger step sister, who in the original timeline used everything she could to make her into a villianess towards everyone and cause her public execution.

I saw people complaining about the story, how Aria is actually mean, how Mielle was too dumb and young to be an interesting antagonist, and all is that true, everything about it is absolutely and completely true, Mielle in the new timeline is hopeless and not much of a treat, but if there is one thing I learned about the story is how ruthless is the game on a coming of age, and how vile the game actually is when you have no idea what is going on. Have someone who knows a bit more of the rules than you, and you are toast! Mielle does this to Aria in the first timeline, and Aria, being an adopted peasant, falls through all the psychological traps that make her an annoying and difficult to handle person. Mielle uses this against her, making her execution seem as part of just and even kind. Aria, on the new timeline, does not pull any punches, and uses all the tricks an adult could use in a child to leave them helpless, a child does not have the knowledge to say no, says Aria, a child suggests dumb things, and she uses all of this to make sure Mielle falls by her own means. The writer understands well developmental psychology and the asymmetry of knowledge between children and adults very well.

There is some stuff that is rather uninteresting, the time loop mechanic is a bit boring, the powers of Archer are also kinda boring and aside Aria and Mielle no characters are really interesting, the twist about Aria's origin could have been a lot more interesting, but it didn't really go anywhere, now, even then, I felt very engaged. The story never aims for forgiving ends or a cheesy moral fable lesson, it is always and at the very end, full of hate, and, I found this incredibly cathartic! Most stories do not aim for pure hate (its usually just that fake bohemian hate that is actually just a sloppy lesson about life) so it is always lovely to see when a story abandons moral reasoning to show you a more realistic outcome. Not just that, at some point in the story, and with how grounded the dialogue is (there is really no big declarations from any villiain in the middle of their schemes) I started to notice similarities to power plays I have witnessed in real life. Aria could be incredibly awful to Mielle (with due reason, of course) but manage to frame it as being kind and helpful, never losing face or making her feelings slip, while also maintain an external logic that is impeccable and legal to all her peers. This kind of realization has horrified me and given me several nights of insomnia. I never expected an Otome Isekai to teach me anything whatsoever, but this one did. Understanding the mechanic and seeing it work in real time is nothing short of shocking, this is a shocking and horrifying story. It feels me with pure dread, with pure fear.

I do not recommend this to prone to repeat emotional loops they find on fiction, but if cathartic transmutation works for you, then this is a lovely and horrifying, vile work.

The Anne of Green Gables reference character was also very fun.

8/10

[pretentious-art-love]

Comic Journal #19 - Kaiji 6: 24-oku Dasshutsu-hen

Kaiji 6 brings back Fukumoto's NEET rehabilitation program, now in full force, and I believe it is one of the most rewarding parts of the entire series. Part 1 (Tobaku Mokushiroku Kaiji, adapted as the first season of the anime) showed a conflict-and-consequence power system that focused less on emotional storytelling and more on the science of luck. While this system made for very stark and bleak scenes and arcs that might not be everyone's cup of tea, they resulted in very engaging thriller moments and also showed the audience a model of reality that taught them not to expect mercy from anyone, or take any win for granted. When I watched it myself, I felt overjoyed, because it was something I had been looking for for a long time: what to expect when I have no choice but to swallow my losses, and how to engineer a path ahead. Part 1 is the most important anime in my life, and also an incredibly fun ride.

I also think Part 2 (Tobaku Hakairoku Kaiji, adapted as Season 2 of the anime) is pretty good as well. While the Bog arc does stretch itself and reaches battle shonen levels of pacing, it also has two important lessons: the Cee-Lo arc talks about the importance of social engineering, and the Bog arc talks about how endurance will begin to be tested when you find someone the same as you are, but with opposite goals. Part 3 (Tobaku Datenroku Kaiji) is the Mahjong arc, and while it is tight in terms of tension, it is probably the weakest ontologically speaking, if you consider that you do not learn not many new things about chance and consequence from the game scenes themselves, but more through the world-building and outside narrative beats. However, I still think they are very important as well. One, they show how well-intentioned people can play against you because of this same social engineering, and two, that gambling is about seeing what cannot be seen, how your own wins can be manufactured to work against you. If you have read Kaiji all the way through here, you will realize that gambling refers not only to casino gambling but also to all sorts of environments with their own power systems that you can also find in real life.

Part 4 (Tobaku Datenroku Kaiji: Kazuya-hen) is a very important arc for the series. I have seen some people call it melodramatic, and yes, that's a fair criticism, but it is also very important for Fukumoto's program. This arc serves as a bucket of cold water to the head, where you see people who have ended up with a stick far shorter than yours in life, and it works as a study in how human trust can be warped. It also has some very intense scenes filled with pure dread and devotion. There was one scene in particular in this arc that made me want to cry, something that never happened to me with any of the other arcs.

Part 5 (Tobaku Datenroku Kaiji: One Poker-hen) is more relaxed in its philosophical attack, and is even uplifting, since it presents Kaiji — the hungry-for-the-big-win type — as resilient and tough when compared to the average child of the rich elite. You could say it works as a stopgap, like Part 3 did, but it also has yet another lesson: how cheating can become an agreement between the parts playing, because it allows them to showcase wit, resourcefulness, and movement between power plays, but without the emotional and moral baggage that comes from doing it out in the open.

With Part 6, Tobaku Datenroku Kaiji: 24-oku Dasshutsu-hen, the tone of the series completely changes. We move out from casino and board games into the real world. Because of this, a lot of the narrative tension is lost. You won't be holding your breath at every moment while reading it, but it has perhaps the most important and concrete series of lessons you could take from the entire series. I feel that if you focus on the stakes and the outsmarting of the previous parts, you will find this arc stale and even pointless, since here Fukumoto gives Kaiji far more lenience than in any other part of the story which makes the back against the wall scenes feel more like a Comedic Shonen version of Breaking Bad. But if you focus on its characters and the psychology behind them, you will find a love letter filled with many answers to questions you may have been looking for for a long time as a reject. While all the previous parts of Kaiji show you how the real world works, Part 6 shows you the possible futures your mind might end up taking that could work for you. They are not fashionable, they are not even fully functional, but they exist, and you can take them. In Part 6 there are moments that I feel might allude to himself: there is a character who suggests Kaiji become a “gambling writer” instead of just a gambler, which makes me think Fukumoto himself is exactly the type Kaiji is, and that him being a mangaka is his compromise between his ambitions and the industry. In Kaiji 6, we meet people who spend most of their free time daydreaming in their vans, and people who work every day appealing to their higher-ups to accumulate power, and both groups look down on each other. Now, what is a person who lives in part of both sides? Daydreaming all day, but also working their ass off all day? A mangaka.

In summary, if you come from the season 2 of the anime and liked Tonegawa's demotivational speech back in Part 1, you will probably love this. If you didn't like it and preferred the intense tension-building of the games, I would recommend Parts 3 (Mahjong) and 5 (Poker). I also recommend Part 4, albeit with one big caveat I won't reveal here. Part 6 is filled with many broken and misfit characters, all of whom end up being incredibly charming and lovable in their own bittersweet way. This also makes me think Fukumoto is not only obsessed with the philosophy of chance and effort, but also has deep endearment for hopeless people.

10/10

[pretentious-art-love]

Film Journal #13 - Kizumonogatari

The Monogatari anime series has always excelled thanks to Shaft Studios, which managed to create a striking atmosphere blending urban liminality and, in this case, nocturnal romanticism. One thing is certain: visually, this is wonderful. However, it’s a film that demands caution and emotional maturity from its viewer (it is also classified as +18). This film has many upsetting themes that I can NOT recommend to the average person. Nisio Isin is a very talented writer when it comes to creating allegories. Every trauma in the series is represented as a supernatural event that each character must confront, and the dialogue-heavy scenes are often entertaining to read thanks to the personalities involved and the heavy subject matter they tackle. But the series has a rotten apple: Araragi.

Araragi has many problematic traits. In the series he says he prefers middle schoolers and is even seen groping a minor several times (chronologically she’s 22 years old, but still a child). These behaviors reflect the lingering effects sometimes seen in a few extreme cases of survivors of sexual abuse. I always ask myself: what made Araragi like that? Why is he so strange? Kizumonogatari explains why, this is his origin story. While I won’t reveal concrete plot points aside the initial synopsis, my interpretation might tell you way more of the story than you’d like if you prefer to have the experience on your own, so take that into account.

In Kizumonogatari, Araragi finds a vampire on the verge of death who asks for his blood to survive. He decides to give it to her, becoming a vampire himself. The rest of the story, spread across three movies, follows his efforts to restore Kiss-Shot to her full form by defeating several vampire hunters (one of them a priest) and recovering her lost limbs. If it’s not obvious yet, the plot is an allegory for a young man’s grooming experience with an older woman. While not everything in an allegory translates directly to reality, much of it does. The older woman is a force of beauty that plays by her own rules, existing outside society, yet so vulnerable that she depends on a younger man like Araragi. This encounter leaves him broken and not fully normal. He can “get close to being human,” but never completely, because experiences like this mark you for life. You can become highly functional, but never whole again, because your worldview has been warped.

These three movies are beautiful, but they are also naive and evil. There is something about how they romanticize trauma and the abuser in a specific way that it wouldn't be easy for an inexperienced person to understand at first to get it is deeply wrong. In a way, you can see it as the darkest end of the spectrum in a series of stories about this exact topic. Chainsaw Man is the most clear and assertive depiction of the spectrum, and it paints things much more clearly. The older woman there is an explicitly undercover evil force, which draws a vivid line between good and evil and clarifies her intentions. Then we have FLCL (the original 6 episode series), in the middle of the spectrum, where the older woman is a wild person that plays by her rules and can do many cool things the younger man wants, but that is ultimately implied to be a bad person that will give the protagonist mean eyebrows. And finally, we have Kizumonogatari. Here, the abuser is half villain, half heroine, deadly, timeless, and also gorgeous, and I think this depiction is also very valuable to see. Writing to document feelings, no matter how wrong they are, is a superior form of writing compared to writing to teach, because documenting rather than preaching makes a story more honest, allowing people to understand every facet of your position rather than what you want them to hear. Watching Kizumonogatari can put you in the shoes of someone who lives this kind of experience. A woman way older than you is telling you that you need to kill three men to save her, and the only person you can see is a helpless little girl that asks you to pat her head. It's symbolism is genius. It shows you how powerful it can feel, how freeing it can feel, how beautiful it can feel, it never once tells you that there is something deeply wrong with it, other than the whole affair is a bit sad and inconvenient, and when it ends, you realize why this kind of relationship is so dangerous.

There is also something deeply embarrassing about Kizumonogatari. One thing that is true about trauma is that many traumatic experiences are never fully black and white. They exist in countless shades of gray, hues of evil and sadness. When you try to grasp the whole thing, it becomes a vortex that pulls you into your own humanity, the beginning and end of time itself. I can see that clearly here: from his perspective, Araragi’s abuser isn’t entirely evil. She needed him. When she asked for help, she truly was dying. But she truth is that she still used him in a terrible way, and his world changed forever because of it. In Kizumonogatari, having trauma is presented as being a vampire (feeling strong yet inhuman) and that’s fucked up! Vampirism as an allegory for being a trauma survivor is cringe. Completely cringe. Vampires are usually depicted as stronger than humans; their only weaknesses are quirks like sunlight or holy symbols. Thinking of yourself as a vampire makes it feel acceptable to drag someone else into the dark, convincing yourself they’ll emerge stronger for it, but, look at Araragi in the main series: he never truly confronts or condemns his most disgusting traits. The series even frames them as quirks or eccentricities rather than symptoms of trauma, his deepest, most hidden wound.

I don't think this movie series is perfect, the whole plot about recovering the limbs of Kiss Shot is rather boring, and I wasn't interested in any of the hunters and the fights did not interest me either, I also don't like the fact it is three movies instead of a normal 22 minute episode series, but… I just really like horror stories, and even more, I like horror stories that never admit they’re horror stories. If you remember well, the original Dracula novel was scary because blood sucking was a metaphor for sexual assault, (and this is why Mina's struggle for beating the vampire becomes important for her). This series not only brings back the symbol of the vampire as an analogy for something that happens in real life but that cannot be mentioned with words instead of just using it as a campy horror monster, it also brings it to the early 21th century metropolis setting, where empty auditoriums are the castles, and the endless roads jammed with traffic are part of the landscape, what this series differs from Dracula is that it takes a way more insidious path, siding with the villain way more, making it a much more vile work, but also one that will be understood way even less by the general public. This story is wicked and insidious, and I admire how deceptively simple yet narratively intricate it is in how it paints its wounds, I love how emotionally immersive the experience becomes, and how visually striking it feels. It’s evil, it's cringe, and it's pretty, and that’s why I love it. I just need to advise caution from anyone who watches it, or the series overall for that matter, since I know many can find anything related to Araragi to be upsetting. If you watch Monogatari, do it for its aesthetics, both visual and allegorical, because they’re truly one of a kind. I’m a sucker for urban liminality, and yes, I’m a sucker for finding beauty in pain, just don’t think your tragedy gave you a superpower!

9/10

[segamascott]

[fireopals]

[pretentious-art-love]

Comic Journal #18 - Good Night Punpun

Punpun is the second most important manga ever made (after Kaiji), the one that has gotten closest to depicting reality as it truly is.

To get the bad out of the way: it’s not a 10 out of 10. The stuff with the cult is incredibly boring and underwhelming, and the ending chapter brings back a character from the beginning whom I barely remembered. Aside from that, everything else is absolutely perfect. It’s not just incredibly vivid, it’s as real as it gets, it gets everything accurately and down to a T. There is no manga more honest than Punpun. I also really liked how Punpun is drawn as a bird to represent derealization and depression, making his inner emptiness "tangible".

I also saw something horrifying, so close, so real that it almost felt like it could happen to me. I realized how little it takes to become the kind of people you hate, and it terrifies me. But I also need to mention Heiroku Shishido, Punpun’s landlord, who has become my personal hero. He showed me a way to keep going: it’s better to trust and be hurt than to hurt others. If I hurt others the way I’ve been hurt, I couldn’t forgive myself. I’d rather be hurt than betray myself. That sounded so beautiful that it gave me a ray of hope.

Of course, someone on Discord said that was incredibly toxic: “First, value yourself and don’t hurt yourself. The better you are, the better you’ll treat others.” Well… whatever, fuck you then, I don’t care anymore.

At the end of the day, Goodnight Punpun has no answers. Its objective is mostly journalistic. It won’t make you feel better, it won't give you hope, and it won't repair any damage. It only makes you feel seen. I could compare it to Shūzō Oshimi’s works, although Inio Asano stays honest without melodrama for way longer, far longer than anyone else could.

Let's both think of each other on Tanabata.

“As the dark muddiness clouded his mind, he felt something intense he'd never felt before. It was as if he was drifting in space, with hope, loneliness, and ecstasy.”

9/10

[pretentious-art-love]

Comic Journal #17 - Land of the Lustrous

This is the most fucking disappointing manga of all time.

The anime is a masterpiece, great animation, great voice acting, amazing music, it had it everything to become the best story ever. The manga had many amazing ideas related to the nature of pain, identity through change, and desire. But then what do you do? What do you do? You fuck it all up in one fucking character because you are a fucking ignorant twat. This manga is ruined entirely by one single fucking character, and when you see it, everything is fucking ruined, all the vague philosophical shit, all the depressing shit, it means fucking nothing because it's stupid. If you really think self realization through transition is just another lie fueled by ignorant desire, you are full of bullshit, and you have not understood anything at all. With how Aechmea acts at times, there is even an implication that grooming is involved in that kind of realization. (Not to mention that Caignorm's transition is an inversion of the transition Phos goes, ||Phos is shown as naive and feminine and first, and masculine later when they have suffered some more, the author treats fem transition as a wish born out of a lack of agency.) Fuck you. If you want to know how to fuck up your manga with just one character, this is your manual. Fuck Cairngorm and fuck this TERF shit.

5/10

[pretentious-art-love]

Comic Journal #16 - Berserk: The Conviction Arc

Fuck Berserk.

Many times we are mad at someone, not because of something they said, but how they said it, right? To be honest with you, if it wasn't because of the monster designs and intensity of the fights, this comic would be absolutely worthless, a 0/0, completely devoid of any worth.

This is the only thing I will say is good about Berserk: the art in fights is very good. It has this intense, evil aura that you can find in Black Metal, the monsters look wicked as fuck, and the sword clashing is very good. Here is some (cherry picked) Black Metal cover art that reminds me of that same ultra evil heart. These covers were not inspired by Berserk, but I want to put them here because I want to show a bit of why I think these people are somewhat on sync in subject matter.

Diabolus Absconditus by Deathspell Omega (2005)

Into the Infernal Regions of the Ancient Cult by Inquisition (1998)

Death - Pierce me by Silencer (2001)

Vile Luxury by Imperial Triumphant (2018)

Age of Excuse by Mgła (2019)

Anthems to the Welkin at Dusk by Emperor (1997)

Now, for the bad.

I said once that the optimistic scenes in Evangelion are all rethorical, they feel they are there not because they are natural to their progression, but because they are supposed to be there, right? Well with Berserk is the total opposite! The depressing scenes are the rhetorical ones! They are all symbolic! Ahhh spoilers ahead because whatever.

So first, this shit is so misogynistic its so annoying, I saw two bad examples back in Golden Age but here they just keep piling up! This manga just throws at you over and over the most gruesome scenes to say "See? This is what it feel to be a man!! Women like Charlotte are stupid, they get groomed and they get all whiny, women like Casca end up catatonic when they go through what we go, women like Jill want to fight like us when they just have petty fights at home, they don't even have the strength of what it means to fight! Women like Farnese say they are in following god when in reality they are full of lust! We men eat trauma for breakfast and we don't break!!" Men's fight gets glorified through Guts the Black Swordsman, women's fight gets put plainly depicted through Jill and the only thing she says she can do is "scream and kick all the way in the hopes of changing something." Bullshit. Nina and Guts are virtually identical characters in their inability to trust people, and even Nina says it better "I can't be with you while I am looking at you with hate" and what does the story do? What does the story do? She pushes away to fuck off! Nina is not mythologized either, her emotional issues are all depicted plainly, she cries, she gets mad, she tells people to abandon Casca, she is the exact fucking same as Guts, but she doesn't become a sword hero, why? Fucking bullshit, that's fucking why.

At the beginning, after Chain Binding Chapter, I thought, "maybe Berserk is not really a manga about trauma, but a glorified showcase of the male ethos, the legend of the fiery spirit, shown as trauma". So I said, "fuck this, fuck it all".

I said "men learn to see their lives as trauma obstacle courses, and the men who deal with actual trauma are left without the tools to recognize what even happened to them, Berserk has no idea what actual trauma feels like," but then people kept throwing at me with evidence, "no look Guts has trauma triggers, he can't be touched or he starts yelling, when he was sleeping with Gasca he had a flashback, he also abandoned her later, he pushes Pucks away, oh and he also told the girl in the first arc to kill herself" and I just had to come with to give in and accept that the author did actually did his homework with trauma and while there are many things that I would have made more obvious, it is all here and accounted for. So why am I so angry?

I am angry because Guts is still functional, he still fights, he still lives by the sword, he doesn't become non functional, I said, "look Gasca is catatonic, why is he functional? That's not what trauma is like! This comic has a stupid double standard of strength that will bite you in the ass if you take it seriously!" and people said, "people's answers to trauma are different, it happens." and it pissed me so much, it pissed me off so fucking much. Why? Well, if guts has trauma, but doesn't become weak, if he doesn't feel utterly broken to the point of abandoning the world to the point he can't even pick up his sword, if he doesn't want to kill himself even when he lost everything and everyone... what does that say of me?

And people say, "it's because Guts is a myth, he is an ideal of resilience, what you can aim to become, something that gives you inspiration." What a load of bullshit! And it truly pisses me off, it pisses me off because I CAN'T FIND A WAY TO ARGUE BACK WITH IT!!! There is a 4chan screenshot a friend showed to me that says the following:

"I hope we take heart the message Miura tried to share. The world is often unfair and cruel. It will traumatize you at best and leave you maimed at worst. Nothing will make it "just like it was before" you got hurt. Sure, being angry at shit can be a great motivator but it only gets you so far. All you can do is keep moving forward, scars and all. Work to be the best version of yourself and try to live a good life. Look after the people you have, even though you will lose some along the way. You can always make new connections if you're willing to let people in. RIP Miura your struggle has come to an end. Everyone else who made it this far reading my post, I hope you take care of yourselves."

The dude in the screenshot said it stupid because its not "it will traumatize you at best and maimed you at worst." That is stupid. The world will dull you at best, and get you maimed, either psychologically (trauma) or physically (losing part of your body) at worst. It is true, and it pisses me off, it pisses me off so fucking much that it is right. You just have to... keep pushing... no matter the fucking scars, because that's the only fucking answer, that's all the answer there is in regards to trauma, in regards to pain, in regards to everything. It is true! If I don't do it, its simply because i am weak, and I don't say it in a pejorative way. I was just weak, that is all there is too it, if I lose the battle, it's because I lacked strength.

But it pisses me off! It pisses me off because, as I said in the beginning, it doesn't feel right, the trauma moments are few and in between all the monster fanfare and sword power fantasy gore, it makes me think, why should I fucking listen to you? How do you even know if that's how it feels like? How can make an ideal of strength and say, "try to aim to this" when I can't even testify how it feels to have your soul maimed. Even One Piece understood that not all trauma survivors can end with a victory, just look at Marineford. One Piece, the goofiest shonen there is, and it understood it all better than this piece of shit. So I said, "You know what? Fuck Berserk People always make a myth, a platonic ideal, someone you should strive to be like, and Guts is that, with trauma. So fuck the myth, fuck the ideal, fuck all the stupid little icons of resilience full of courage and strength. Fuck Berserk." But that thought feels kinda like a wet fart, doesn't it? I am putting all my strength against the wrong target.

Berserk is not "a manga better written than most", it has the same quirks of most manga, and shonen manga, not seinen at that, the characters say out loud how strong a character is, the comedic relief depends most of the time on a single character (that stupid fairy fuck), the protagonist is a stoic fuck more part of his own myth than the actual world, there are countless, unending battles, it is on the nose, and it's all bullshit, the only thing Berserk has is that it's ambitions are bigger because it tackles a way more serious subject matter. It is also in a way a very classic written manga, with characters that feel more like symbols that remind me more of the times of the Aesop fable than actual people, I liked it in other shonens but with trauma and rape it pisses me off. An Aesop fable about PTSD is the stupidest thing ever.

Although, wait, I am lying, because there is an Aesop fable you can actually use with trauma! Ever heard about the tale of Elephant and the Stake? You see an elephant in a circus chained to a stake, you ask yourself, why doesn't the elephant doesn't? The stake is too small and the elephant could totally walk away with it, is he stupid? Well, that's because the elephant has been chained since very little, and when he was little, he couldn't move the stake, and now that he has grown, he doesn't known his body can move away with the stake. See? In one paragraph I told you an entire trauma thesis in a simple stupid Aesop Fable, with no need for sexual abuse and mutilation galore from the hands of Mr. Biggus Dickus.

But of course, what this manga says is still true. It's still true and that's why it pisses me off. This all feels like the manga equivalent of "you are a man, so you have to suck it up and keep going."

It has the answer, but it feels as if it didn't earn it at all. And do you know why? You know why, we all know why, because Berserk is just an excuse for testosterone filled highs, it is void, and empty of meaning, turning pain into another power game shows how vile humans can be even if they learn everything there is to learn about humanity.

Fuck you, and fuck Berserk.

3/10

[pretentious-art-love]

Book Journal #45 - The Bhagavad Gita Introduced and Translated by Eknath Easwaran and Notated by Diane Morrison

I am aware of the need of religion in this world. The need of meditation and the need of a way to frame your mortality, so while I said I would not use Abrahamic Religion as my compass, I wanted to find a religion that works for me, and Hinduism might be the one I need.

There are many versions of the Gita, but many are really overwhelming since they have 1500 pages or more, this version has 380 pages which makes it a God send. The introduction I have to say is a bit too much, it introduces too many concepts and ideas that I found it very hard to read, I think dividing the preface in 5 parts and add sub chapters for these parts would have worked better, I asked AI to do this for me and it did help me understand a bit more of the concepts it was giving me but I still think I couldn't save them to memory however, but, the rest of the book is very good. I'm not gonna summarize all the concepts that there are here either, but there is three that I want to remember, and why I think I am in the right track with this religion! First, have you ever been pushed into a role that you don't like? Have you ever said "Why do I have to be the bad guy? I know how it feels to be on your side, I don't want to be the bad guy, why do I have to do this?"

The book tackles this at the very start, Arjuna is a prince that has to fight his family in war, and he doesn't want to do it, naturally, because it is his family. Khrisna tells him to not see himself as an individual but as part of the whole, he isn't just Arjuna, but part of an ecosystem of humans that live and die all the time.

"There has never been a time when you and I and the kings gathered here have not existed, nor will there be a time when we will cease to exist."

This is a great concept! Great, great, concept. Although maybe you think that maybe it can be easy to use to desensitize people to realities of war.

"For a warrior, nothing is higher than a war against evil. The warrior confronted with such a war should be pleased."

At first, I thought that maybe the Gita was a bit too pro war too, but there is a principle to follow that is rather simple and that helps to vaoid using Gita for propaganda. I only have to read that same exact paragraph, but adding the first sentence.

"Considering your dharma, you should not vacillate. For a warrior, nothing is higher than a war against evil. The warrior confronted with such a war should be pleased."

If I do not have the dharma of a warrior, I should not fight, because it is not my calling, and not my way of action. If you let someone make you fight, you should consider the dharma you have, if you fight, it is because you have such a dharma, otherwise the blood will be on you. Now, it is true that in the real world things aren't never so simple, most people aren't willing to kill, you have to train a soldier to do so, strip them of their sense of self, or you might have to become a soldier because its your only job on the middle of a recession, or because many other reasons. In the real world, ideals alone are not enough to survive, but I am not looking at the Gita as a catch all manual for life that solves all guilt, and I won't be looking at religion that way either. I am treating this book, first and foremost, as a map of ideals that one can follow when it is possible to do so.

"Those who cannot renounce attachment to the results of their work are far from the path."

Second, renouncing the results of my work. I think about that story of a man who lost his wife because the hospital was too far away, so in the next decades he cave a path in the middle of a mountain, making it later the shortest path between two cities. Why do you think a man would do something like that, if his wife is already dead? I see many long term achievements and it is deeply sad to realize that most of the time the people who commit to them never get to experience the fruits of their work, imagine a huge city, how long does a thing like that take to build? How long does it take to build a work of art? How long does it take to create something with meaning? If you think about yourself as part of the whole, you do get results from your work, from the place of the new generations, but you? No, you will be exhausted and old when the thing is ready, things take too long, and the only way to advance is sharing them from generation to generation. The Gita mentions probably one of the most important things that I need to learn.

"Neither knowledge of the Vedas, nor austerity, nor charity, nor sacrifice can bring the vision you have seen. But through unfailing devotion, Arjuna, you can know me, see me, and attain union with me."

This all comes down to the same spirit that has nurtured humanity from the beginning, devotion. I think there are effortless things that nourish the soul like the sound of rain, but it is this very same thing about effort that constitutes the meaning of God, why do you think we all love the souls of sportspeople? Always pushing themselves to be the better at their fields? Why do you think it is so important to find something that you love and keep practicing until you master it? Parents try to push some vocation on you because they want to teach you this, it is through effort and mastery that humanity has achieved many great things.

Now, in the real world we have the abuse of this principle into what they call grind culture, which is very sad. Again, such a book can never hold all the answers, and ideals in the real world fall short, if I was in such a place and found myself finding I would ask myself if it is okay to run away, or if I had to fight, but one thing that I think is true is that if I have the chance to do something that takes me effort for myself, I want to do it, because that's how I can learn the effort to create the city I live in, the clothes I wear, the healthcare I have, the books I consume, the music I love, it is becoming a little more part of the whole.

Third, is the concept of the three gunas. Tamas, Rajas and Sattva. Sattva is free from sorrow and binds attachment to happiness and wisdom, I would see Sattva as a person who has managed to take their shit together and lives the day to day being the best version of themselves, a functional individual. Rajas is the dysfunctional version of that, but that is still active, making things happen, finding answers, maybe even causing pain, but getting things moving, Tamas is just your average redditor and chronically online person who spends all day criticizing people or complaining about everything.

Tamas is the worse of them all because they make nothing happen and they like nothing, I have been a lot like Tamas, but if I understand that I can go from Tamas to Rajas, and then after that, think how to go from Rajas to Sattva, it makes self growth a bit more understandable. It is interesting because when you are chronically online you think you are better than most because at least you are not making mistakes, when in truth, people who make mistakes are way better than you, because they are always learning, this is the most eye opening of all the truths of the Gita.

Also, there is a very interesting quote about how to see God that the annotator says. "God can be loved as a merciful father, a divine mother, a wise friend, a passionate beloved, or even as a mischievous child."

A mischievous child! That is super interesting! I remember watching The Cat in the Hat movie, which is a classic in many Non English speaking countries, and hearing the concept of "mother of all chaos." That is the concept I want to use to explain reality, earth exists because the mother of all chaos wanted to create earth, we die unfairly, because of the mother of all chaos wanted to see us die, we get many great chances, and many pains, because reality as a whole, it is the plaything of the mother of all chaos.

This is a great book, and since it is short and concise, it is a very good book to reread and study, it lacks mythology since it is mostly a monologue (did Krishna start as a teacher and then said he was a God in the middle of the book? wha?) but that will come later with the other books. There is many cool concepts I love, like The Shraddha, the mantra Om, things I am curious about like the Unmanifest, I think I want to learn more about this and I am hopeful for what this religion has to give me.

9/10

[pretentious-art-love]

Book Journal and Schedule Update - 30 of June of 2025

I got to 1 million words... but I think it doesn't fully count because one of the books had a Glossary and I skimmed that, a lot of manga this month, but like... it is hard with manga because when I finish an arc I say, "yeah I just can leave it there and pick it up back again after the translators finish a whole new volume or when the protagonists go back to end up being gender swapped as they were in the first place!" but like, it doesnt feel right, sometimes I say I should tag Doom Patrol as just one book, but like, it doesn't feel right, but then manga is worse because it is not just 3 books but like 25 volumes, in Storygraph you have to tag each volume and it's like... nah I dont' think I will, and here in the sheet I'm like, nah I'm not going to add all those, it's just dumb, so its' like... it's all yapping, and like maybe I don't need the Dropped tag for a manga if I just add one arc, and like... does that count? And I still haven't added visual novels to the mix, so I'm like... man what is even this.

I really need to continue that Gender Bender book of the 70s that I dropped in 2020 because one of the pages made me mad...

[pretentious-art-love]

Comic Journal #15 - Berserk's The Black Swordsman and The Golden Age

So, rating or talking about a book is very easy since when the book is out, it is usually done, but with a comic, it is usually ongoing, and this one has been ongoing since 1989, so I thought, maybe if I review it per arcs, it would be better, like... an arc here works like a single standalone book, right? They are around 100 chapters, so each arc is a new book on the series, I think it makes sense. Aside this arc, we have the Conviction arc, which could be the second book, Millennium Falcon which would be the third, and the ongoing arc called Fantasia which would be the fourth. At the very least this makes sense for me to stop, take a break and yap about them in general.

So these two arcs are like... 94 chapters... plus 16 chapters that go before these for some reason... so 110 chapters, but I will put it as 94 in MyAnimeList because the fan wiki says the final chapter of this arc, He Hunts Dragons, is chapter 94, well whatever. In any case, this run has actually two arcs but im including The Black Swordsman because it is very short. Swordsman has 8 chapters, and The Goden Age has the rest.

I was looking for works that deal with trauma, I wanted a work that dealt with trauma, something that took that pain and gives a permanently broken character a reason to keep going. As far as this goes on this arc, Berserk is not that, but I found myself still entertained by the whole thing. I found myself infatuated with the pain I perceived just as I did in both Slow, Deep and Hard and Alice in Wonderland (which are also works that deal with pain between moral decay, Carroll, Steele and Griffith are all baffling villians who end in pathetic states at some point) so I felt I wanted to keep going, I think such misery is becoming an acquired taste for me, so I did let the work entertain me, even when this work is not narratively up to par with these two other works.

The first arc was great because it showed me a broken protagonist that was succulent to see. Puck said it best, he has not only anger, but also fear, sadness, a mix of emotions that overcharges the senses. The Golden Age arc, which is the origin story of the protagonist, lowers a bit the quality.

Start of the Spoiler section. The thing that started the chain of events that caused the misery is a misunderstanding between Guts and Griffith, when Guts heard Griffith talking to the princess and thought he was looking down on him, and is a bit of a soap opera levels of conflict. Guts leaves because of this silly reason because he feels he has no dream, and there is that. Now, Guts is one thing, but Griffith is another. While there is enough to make him end with hate since his dream ended when he was tortured to the point he could never stand up again or weild a sword because of his trantrum, I couldn't feel like Griffith felt when I read it.

Why? Let me explain. The conversation Griffith has on the fountain with Charlotte shows Griffith as someone who his looking for someone as a fiery spirit as his, someone with strength, ambition. We know that he sees this in Guts because of what he told him when he joined the band of the Hawk. I can see how he can look down at people if they don't have his ambition, but I never saw him as someone who hated his peers or that resented humanity, so when he decided to sacrifice all his crew, the crew that was with him from the beginning, it became jarring to me. I was able to understand his sadness if he lost someone precious to him, but a possible ability for such a psychopathy that it caused the relentless murder and assault of his family, I never saw it. Everyone loved him deeply. What the members of the Godhand said to him in the eclipse sounded like pure word salad and it just felt to me like they coerced him to accept like a middle school child that is manipulated into doing bad deeds for the bullies. All the elements for him turning into a villian were there, but when the scene happened I felt a lack of intensity I was expecting from a person like him, there is an emotional distance in how his transformation is presented. Now, if Berserk wasn't a serialized manga, and this story had the time to be rewritten or go through more versions before publishing, it might have as intense as you can imagine it, but as far as it goes here, that is what I felt. End of the Spoilers Section.

While many of the emotions on Berserk are rather melodramatic, the manga has an amount of shock value that makes it as upsetting and intoxicating as a Black Metal album, it is a work that explores darkness with a lot of amusement. This kind of feeling can makes the work maybe somewhat niche, but still recommendable if you are into this kind of exploration. It makes the universe feel like a mischievous and beautifully powerful thing, rather than a heartless one. It is its own kind of beauty, spiritually speaking too. I guess getting into this kind of stuff is kinda like drinking alcohol.

The art I can't deny is one of the best I have seen in the medium, probably the best in regards to designs of non human characters (with Akira being the best at designing buildings, and Shuzo Oshimi's several manga at designing female characters, I also wonder... What is the best manga at depicting human male characters? JoJo?), it has many hyper detailed panels with intricate demon designs that reek of decay but also a evil beauty. I think the art is the best asset Berserk has. As far as the story goes, I don't feel afraid about it anymore. For comparison, I am afraid of Evangelion, which I thought was actually depressing to the point I couldn't bare it. Evangelion gives you a happy scene, and you don't believe it at all, it feels like a lie, so everything about it feels like it is pushing you down, there is no message or lesson, just many bad feelings that I don't want to drag me down. This is not that. This has a deep, morbid love for tragedy. It makes it compelling and dark, but if anything, I don't see it as depressing, I see it more as goofy and macabre.

I think it's funny because if I had read this before Alice in Wonderland last month I would have hated it fully and deeply because I would have found it dishonest and also sadistic, but now… I look at Guts and I can't help... but laugh.

The Blackswordsman - 7/10 The Golden Age - 6/10 Average So Far - 6/10

[mar64ds]

made a picture i will use a lot

[pretentious-art-love]

Comic Journal #14 - Onani Master Kurosawa

I asked around what was the best manga people ever read in a Discord and someone said "half ironic, half serious, Onani Master Kurosawa" which I found a rather curious way to describe a recommendation. I finally started it yesterday and finished it today. Compared your average manga, it is rather short, lasting no more than 4 volumes.

In a way, The Flowers of Evil by Shuzo Oshimi and Onani Master Kurosawa are similar, in the way that both deal with perversion as a form of connection between two students. Flowers romanticizes the perversion as a means to create authenticity and identity, while Kurosawa uses it as an expression of shared misanthropy. However, Kurosawa is a way more grounded and honest work to the point it makes something like The Flowers of Evil feel hysterical and too theatrical. If you have read The Flowers of Evil, that is saying something.

It does not seem to use ink, but only pen, which makes the scenes lack texture compared to most printed manga, but I have to admit that having every scene and character traced by the lines of a pen makes everything feel so much rabid and alive. I loved this effect. I think I like it more than ink.

This manga, if I am correct, has not been officially brought to English speaking markets, I read it thanks to efforts of fan translators and scanlators. I get why, if you look up the title, you will understand why I didn't translate it. With its premise, it turns into the kind of work that you only read it for morbid curiosity or mention it as a joke to people, that it is as far a premise like this can get you. Personally, I think that the fact a work can upset you a good sign in many cases, because it forces you to think critically, to make you think why you get so mad. Normally, on fiction like this, the actions the protagonist does are replaced by something more comedic or something more fantasy like, you don't want to have the audience putting yourself in the shoes of such a pitiful protagonist, but the manga commits to it, it is a honest work that doesn't try to entertain you with something that would sound cooler or something that doesn't make you want to puke.

Onani Master Kurosawa shows us the protagonist on a pitiful state and then gives us very honest character growth that neither does compensate for the discomfort the first chapters gave us with lots of fluff or shower us with an euphoric letter of love to life, it is as honest as it gets. That, however, is what makes it such a precious and beautiful work, it is so close to reality that it feels almost auto biographical, and it is what makes the moments be so much more valuable. A lot of discomfort, character growth, and a subtle but hopeful note at the end. I feel the story does rely a lot in showing you how the protagonist feels, instead of making you feel how he does. That can reduce its reach, but when you see things change, and when you accept the narrator on his honesty, it's beautiful. In Onani Master Kurosawa there is a vivid realization and paradigm shift in the eyes of a protagonist that changes their whole world, something so passionate and honest that makes every word they say sound like poetry. This is the kind of stories I want to read. "There are two reasons why I chose the road paved with thorns. One of them is for myself. One of them is for you. On the day of our final plan, I saw it, just a meter glance. Something I couldn't see while shut inside this stall the whole time. It was a beautiful scene, more beautiful than any scene I had ever dreamed up inside my head.

I'm just a guy in the girl's bathroom playing catcher in the eye, however, I want to go great lengths so that you can see. I'll eliminate my guilty conscience. I don't want it to be somebody else's dream, I want it to become a reality with someone. I'll teach you, how to buy a ticket. In these last months we have until graduation, just keep watching me, I won't fold no matter how much I have to suffer. I will endure."

8/10

[pretentious-art-love]

Comic Journal #13 - Fabiniku: Life with an Ordinary Guy who Reincarnated into a Total Fantasy Knockout

Do you like gender bending? I in fact like it a lot, a whole lot, in fact. The thing with Gender Bender is that the ambitions of each writer and the language toward gender is so different that it always ends in a very poor experience for me. I haven't managed to communicate with most gender bender writers in the medium.

Ranma? It sucks, Kampfer? It was fun at times, but it was a bit heavier in the magical girl with fan service side, I'm Gonna Be The Twintail had some really fun first 3 episodes or so but then it turns into... I don't remember what it turns into but after the 4th episode or so I got a bit bored, they started making magical girl jokes instead of gender bending jokes, then we have Kashimashi, great second episode, but after that is just Yuri, then we have Bagel Girl, which was fun for the most part, but the plot stopped focusing on the GB after a while, Yamada Kun? Only an episode has body swap, Kokoro Connect? Just one arc, Your Name? Like the first 20 minutes have a focus on that, and then its just an adventure movie, then we have Onimai, which was actually good all things considered, but, what's up with the fan service in the anime and the recurrent pissing in the manga?!

Now, Fabiniku was a bit of a gift because the tone was great and it looked like it was finally nailing everything about the genre that has never worked until now. The humor was good, and the characters were great. We have a guy who said that wanted to be a girl black out drunk, a goddess that not just grants that wish but sends the protagonists to defeat the demon lord in the usual isekai fashion. So we have not just a gender bent protagonist, but another protagonist that might or might not be in love with them too. Brilliant! You don't need anything else!

Someone said on discord this was just your average isekai slop but ITS NOT SLOP! See, aside of your fun RPG based mechanics and fun isekai characters with weird heroes, you also have a romantic dynamic that BEGS for the longest Freudian analysis in the most exaggerated way possible! Jinguji is a guy that excels at everything, but that doesn't want to deal with women, right? Then we have Tachibana, just an average guy but also his best friend who has been with him since the very beginning, they always cared for each other. Now that one of them was transformed into an attractive woman and the sexual element is put into light. Will they end with a romantic relationship? Will Jinguji end afraid of ruining his friendship with the only person that has seen him for who he is? Will Tachibana actually be more assertive as a girl? (this is something Onimai was working with as well) Will he enjoy living as a girl? Will he like to have kids?! Would have they ended up in a gay relationship if Tachibana never turned into a girl? The show says they are in love due to a curse, but the many flashbacks we are shown imply something else! I love interpreting stuff way over of what it is intended to and this manga is just ripe for that!

The tone is also perfect, it threads the line between comedy and wish fulfillment. See, Gender is a serious business for me, but I don't like making things so dim. I already have to deal with that, I want a story to showcase the euphoria of a freed self. Here, the comedy way is great. Tachibana is very puzzled by the event but also wants to use it for his advantage, and the show goes way beyond in that aspect, Tachibana is not just a pretty girl people like but he also has a blessing that makes everyone want to marry him the moment they see him, and he either has to use a paper bag, or a enchanted tiara to dispel the effects. It is hilarous, it turns a desire into an ordeal with a lot of absurd and comedic potential!!!!! Not everything is great, though, Tachibana's body is uncomfortably too young (never stated, but implied to be younger than a high schooler's) and that ruins most wish fulfillment potential, even if he is mentally 32.

The anime is great, the voice actress for Tachibana is great too because she has this coarse but sweet tone that is very unique and is perfect for the character. Jinguji also sounds very humble and also serene, a very reliable soul. I haven't checked the english dub in any case, but as far as I know the original cast is great.

The rest of the unadapted manga I read so far, from chapter 70 to chapter 149, it is fun, there is some dungeon crawling madness, some new characters and more world building related to the main plot.

In any case... I had to drop this too. I had to, and it is a bit sad. I am dropping this on chapter 149 because, spoilers, they switch the gender bending and now Tachibana is a guy and Jinguji is the girl. I don't know why but it came to me as a shock. I mean I get why they did it, maybe it is a way to refresh things up and explore how these characters would act when one is closer to be the dominant one, physically speaking, add more jokes, a way to add more wacky situations. But I don't know, I do like gender as comedy, it is much better to me than taking it incredibly seriously, it is just too sad that way. Levity is key, levity is key! But here, even when the tone was perfect for most of the way, it now feels like when you are discussing something very important for you with someone and you realize it is not as important for the person talking with you so you are not in the same level on the battle field. Someone is just suggesting something and every suggestion feels like an emotional attack because every single implication that carries each suggestion is baffling at best, horrifying at worst. This is one of my pet peeves with gender bending. Gender flexibility to the point the gender bending can be reversed. One of the biggest cores to my approach to gender bending, is the existence of dysphoria. I don't know why but reading this chapter I feel... betrayed...

At the end of the day, the way other people and I see gender, is just way too different.

7/10

And before you ask, yes, I'm doing my own gender bending story, but for some reason, no matter how I try, each chapter always turns out way too depressing!

[pretentious-art-love]

Show Journal #19 - The Disastrous Life of Saiki K.

Daily Reminder this is the Right Order to Watch Saiki K: Saiki Season 1 Saiki Season 2 Saiki Reawakened Episodes 1 to 5 Saiki Specials (Kanketsu-hen) Saiki Reawakened Episode 6

Amachin-goo! This is probably the funniest anime I know. I watched it like four times in a row the first time I found it and now every two years I end up binge watching it when I have a depressive spree, (the eye catcher jingles, by the way, are the best of the best in all the medium, they sound like Gentle Giant but with a more electronic and futuristic production, it's amazing). This show is based on a very simple but very effective formula. All comedy is based on misery, right? Saiki K creates a practically omniscient narrator and inflicts all misery upon him.

This is great because the character that suffers is present for everything and since he is also really powerful you never really feel bad for him, every single joke in this show is based on how baffled the narrator is by the actions of others and they are all presented overly this detached cynical lenses that is not just relatable but incredibly exhilarating. In other comedic shows, you have either the morons and the cynics, and the cynics are always carrying the emotional turmoil of the morons and that can make you feel bad for the cynics or make you hate the morons, but here, since the person who suffers is always, at most, just puzzled and annoyed, it always makes you laugh. This show is genius.

It is not just its format though, but its also its existential dread. There is something to be said about Saiki as a character, and his lack of understanding the world. You can say that many people who live with neurodivergency can identify with him, he wants to be left alone, he doesn't get most social rules or people, he is not just your average social recluse but he is also a symbol for the tired outcasts. He can also be interpreted as an aro/ace icon for most of the show since he has unchecked power that makes him see everyone's muscle flesh instead of their actual skin.

For most intents and purposes, this is not just a good comedy but also a fantastic show that speaks deeply into those who use apathy as a coping mechanism. However, I wouldn't call it the best anime ever made, not anymore.

See, Saiki doesn't like most things. He doesn’t like maid cafés, he doesn’t like school festivals, he doesn’t like cherry blossom viewing, fireworks shows, or summer beach trips. He hates New Year shrine visits, Christmas cakes, Valentine's chocolate, group karaoke, and hot springs trips. He only plays old crappy games. He can’t stand sports day, field day, or any other artificial bonding ritual where you're supposed to feel something just because you’re all sweating in sync. This works great most of the time but sometimes the show's cynicsm starts to leak in to point it feels like an anti artifact of its own culture. I have seen people who don't like anime get into Saiki and even use it to trash Anime itself, and that says it all, this is a very Anti-Anime Anime, and that makes me feel a little sad and lonley at times. The satire doesn't always land either, like the character of Makoto Teruhashi who acts like a pervert, and while he is meant to parody the men who have a sister complex, you know, trying to showcase how creepy such behavior can actually feel, which is something many shows don't do, that very same result that is meant to make you feel uncomfortable feels it has too much teeth compared to the rest of the show. The ending as you might know (spoilers ahead in this paragraph) takes a bit of a different direction as expected with the protagonist not growing up from his shell but instead deciding to stay as he is, like the protagonist has literally the chance to come out to his friends to reveal who he is knowing full well it will be okay, but he's like... nah.

The thing that Saiki gets across with this, and that I understand, is that many introverts, when trying to be more outgoing and open, feel like a burden on their peers, it is easier to just deal with some masking. It does make me think though, is living through the eyes of apathy for so long actually the best course of action? It makes feel awfully claustrophobic and sad, having to keep appearances. In any case I can still understand that feeling well and the only thing I can do in those cases is to hope for the best.

This is still in my top 10 anime of all time, it is comfort food, endlessly funny, and a perfect reference point of many things many of us have lived through. I just wish that, deep inside, it was a little less cynical.

9/10

Also Saiki should have totally ended with Aiura Mikoto like she complements him so well like come on.

#Saikura4life

[pretentious-art-love]

Book Journal #44 - The Annotated Alice: The Definitve Edition (Alice in Wonderland and Alice Through the Looking Glass by Lewis Carroll Annotated by Martin Gardner)

This book... Jesus... Christ. I haven't read something as equally depraved and clever as this, ever, in my life. This review should not be read by people under 18.

A while ago after I read Rimbaud and enjoying a lot The Third Policeman (I haven't talked about it here since I made a video review instead, but I might transcribe the video for Tumblr down the line) I realized that I love nonsense and that the ilogical is my world, I remembered the Alice in Wonderland movie of 1951 they used to play in Disney Channel when I was a kid, and it dawned upon me that if I wanted to find nonsense I should read Caroll, then naturally, I looked for the best version and Chat GPT recommended me this one, it has the original illustrations and a bunch of notes which I was hoping would clue me not just in the references the book parodies but the wonder mathematical nonsense I was promised of.

The book does that, and it is very good too, I liked it... the thing is that it opens another whole can of worms along with it too!!!! Everything I know about Caroll so far is thanks to the annotations of this edition, (it also shows a bit of how his fandom feels about his works at times!) although naturally all conclusions are mostly mine.

Ahhh, where do I even start? Where do I even start?!?! If you don't know about Lewis Caroll, here is the short version of it... dude had tendencies that, while seem to be mostly platonic, they were still deeply problematic and very reproachable. The annotator gives many interesting details that confirms what you see on the normal text, but in the preface he says "he would be horrified to think there was something sexual about it." I mean maybe, but as to me I don't feel fully absolving him of everything. Him lacking any potential for grooming or abuse doesn't mean his vouyeristic habits weren't awful.

I asked myself a lot how I wanted to see him after reading this book, and the truth is that at the end of the day, I can't see him as nothing more than a villian. A mostly harlmess villian? Yes, a pathetic, sad, poor little villian? Yes, a villian that is beloved by many? Yes, but a villian nevertheless.

I do like separating the art from the artist, in fact, I most always do that, but the thing is that the subject matter that is so awkward to tackle is deeply ingrained with the book's narrative and symbols, there is no way to escape this at all. There is the possibility to escape it on adaptations of it, as I remember with the movie I loved, but not the book at all, these books are first and foremost about The Melancholy of Lewis Caroll. I also have to admit that their grim background and tragic character make the book incredibly more compelling to me, so if there is something that I saw that could interpret with the most eerie, ominious meaning, I did so because I found exploring his deeply sad situation turned into mythology incredibly entertaining and compelling, I wanted to tackle Caroll as a symbol, the soul of a child that grew up and got stuck into an adulthood that made him feel unworthy.

It is not that there is a few symbols, or some deep references, the whole mythology, the whole ethos of Alice in Wonderland, is constructed on the idealization of Alice Lidell and the fear Lewis had of losing his child friend into adulthood. Book 1 Chapter 4, Alice Grows big, the narrator says, and I quote "there seemed to be no sort of chance of her ever getting out of the room again, no wonder she felt unhappy." Chapter 7, The Mad Hatter says it is always 6 o clock for him, he is stuck, since he had a fight with time. Book 2, Chapter 5, The White Queen says that living backwards in time makes her a little giddy at first. Book Two Chapter 6, Alice says "she can't help growing older" and then Humpty Dumpty says that one perhaps can't, but two can, with proper assistance, stay at seven, at what Alice quickly changes the subject, Book 1 Chapter 11, The Dormouse complains about Alice growing on a ridiculous fashion, saying at the very least he grows at a reasonable pace, in some letters Caroll reveals that the queens are built based on types of mature women he didn't like. The first poem of the first book is about that girl, the final poem of the second book is in acrostic with her name, the changes on size of Book 1, the crown at the end of Book 2, everything is about her, everything. The very poem of Chapter 12, which is treated as a criminal confession, it is clearly, and absolutely surely, a confession of love.

"Don't let him know she liked him best,

For this must ever be

A Secret, kept from all the rest,

Between yourself and me."

Holy shit. Just... holy shit. You can't make this shit up, you can't possibly make it up at all. The feelings are overflowing from the page into reality, this poem is by far the most palpable, you can practically touch it. When he talks with Alice as a white knight he was hoping to stay as, and when he talks to her as the poor wasp in a wig he was afraid to become, it is incredibly easy to see the insecurities of his heart. The tragedy of Caroll isn't just about an obsession but also the existential dread of the transient nature of identity. If you are a kid but you can't stay a kid forever, what does your sense of self make you? Think about it, has any old person actually identified as such? As a being with one step inside the grave?

The chapter of the poem is called Alice's evidence, it is an evidence of love, and yes surely the characters and story treat it as all if it was a matter of nonsense, they make fun of you for trying to make sense out of a nonsense poem, they try to imply it is not a confession, but the joke is on you! A poem can always be both! It can always be nonsense, and it can always depict deep, true feelings, that is what makes the ending of the first book so eerie and ominous! Like what the fricking hell! We are having a confession of love, from this guy, being discussed by the characters from his own mind. This is a buffet tragicomedy for breakfast.

You know one thing? I do love nonsense, and I do love the world of the illogical and the warped, and I did relate a lot with Caroll's melancholy, him trying to find a friend that can see the joy of little things and games, I deeply related to that, and I like his math riddles and when he got close to suggest metaphysics, metafiction and the like, I found him a true genius, and I felt his deep love for all things whimsy. The book most of the time only suggests those wild things can exist, but with all its satirical goofy package, it makes more than enough for a full effect. It is only when he feels that the only people of his time who could enjoy whimsy where little girls that the calamity of his life strikes in. The first book is a bit too "satire about Victorian era society" to really make you feel free, however it is very fun and deep in irony and wit, then, the second book nonsense is not just lacking most logic but it is also peeks into realms of post rational thought. The thing is that most symbols from this book are all and about his melancholy of unrequited love, but then you remember it is love for a child that things turn macabre. It is amazingly horrifying for a pop culture book.

If it hadn't been for the pictures he took, I would have almost accepted his sadness and all his dreams as something pretty and good, a reminder of the good things in life, the joy of whimsy, I get why he has his fans, the world of riddles and pure folly is the best world there is, but that's not his only lore. He is a villian. Many people say he wasn't, but look where they come from, Lewis Caroll Society, Lewis Caroll scholars, those are probably aren't the most impartial parties there are about the subject, right? So what gives? Don't count with people burning down their muse.

Overall... this is a great book, but I have to say the reasons I like it are probably not the ones many of the fans like it. Do you know why Dracula is so popular? The preface in the book I read said that it was the unspoken understanding among readers of the time that Dracula was about vampirism means to represent with consent, is this book the same? It is so popular not just because of what it shows, but because of what it doesn't show?? If that is the case that... that would make too much sense!!!

In any case, I think these two books are horrifyingly tragic but also charming and whimsical, they are brimming with personality but also dark, sad, unrequited love, they are incredibly upsetting but also insightful and fun. And this series is a pop culture staple, you can't make this stuff up! It's insane! This might be one of most hilariously creepy books I ever read, and Carroll even past his crimes against humanity turns into a deeply relatable villain. Uh... What else? Hmm, maybe there were too many puns and "characters interpreting things literally" as a source of humor, but when it gets slightly mathy, that's when its good. That Jabberwocky poem? Very fun, that reference to the so called De Sitter's model thing where time stands still on a single place? Genius.

I thought about this and I wondered, when have I felt like this with a piece of art before? And the only answer I could come up with was… the album Slow, Deep and Hard by Type O Negative. Wait, I know it's bad, but let me explain.

The reason Alice in Wonderland + Through the Looking Glass are like Slow Deep and Hard aren't because they are both overly sexual (the books aren't, it's different) but because they are an absolute wild mix of morally rotten repressions (Peter wanting to commit murder, Caroll… doing the Caroll thing) and incredibly relatable obsessions (abandonment issues with Peter and fear of being misunderstood by the adult world with Caroll), they are both pieces of art that while the result is so batshit insane, the initial place where the authors come from is deeply relatable, they are intoxicating but also deeply upsetting. I think I want to find more works like this, the whiplash is addicting.

tl;dr: Albeit his works are too ripe for "psycho analysis" to actually represent childhood as a whole, Carroll succeeds in creating distinctive, whimsical dream logic. Beware though, his dream logic accounts for everything, EVERYTHING what it means to dream! Not just baffling pattern recognition or idea processing, but also a hilariously scandalous dread and emotional turmoil from the lands of depression and obsession.

Does... does that make sense? I'm not saying the Freudians are right with this one because that would be stupid, but Caroll is still a villain, and we can't escape that at the end of the day. This book, though, is absolutely raging mad! So fuck it! Its a 10!!!!

10/10

All this also made Alvin Row finally click for me, for some reason.

[pretentious-art-love]

Book Journal and Schedule Update - 31 of May of 2025

So the current schedule is a bit of a lie, but that's beccause of copium. I am entering on a new ass period of my life because of something and I feel somewhat restless and anxious, even more so than usual, so I have been unable to focus that well on non narrative stuff, so right now I have a schedule that says I am reading two books at the same time, one of them non fiction, but I am actually not doing that at all. I am reading the fiction book, and a comic, what comic? One Piece, and not even new stuff, I am reading all what I already watched with the anime on the One Pace cut. It eases me to sleep or to stop thinking when I need to, just going over already known material, but I am also a bit more emotionally tired than what I usually do, I do not have have hopes to end the year on a happy note.

It is also true that heat lets me think a lot less and I really hope I can go back to Bogota soon.