Product Placement
PUT YOUR BEARD IN MY MOUTH
Origami Around
let's talk about Bridgerton tea, my ask is open
Sade Olutola
DEAR READER
wallacepolsom
taylor price
Cosimo Galluzzi
cherry valley forever
noise dept.
ellievsbear
Today's Document
tannertan36
ojovivo
he wasn't even looking at me and he found me
Kaledo Art
NASA
Monterey Bay Aquarium
Show & Tell
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@prettyboytdiary
On October 3rd, 2016, I had double incision with free nipple grafts. My surgeon was Dr. Adam Tobias at Beth Israel Deaconess Medical Center in Boston, MA. This is me five days post-op. The drains tug whenever I move and it’s torture, but I’ve got a great support network and I’m feeling pretty optimistic. Here goes. :D
what's your voice type and has it changed? I was a tenor before T and at 2 months I'm still a tenor, and when I get sick my voice gets super deep like baritone bass, do you think it will change?
If you’ve been on T for 2 months it will DEFINITELY change more. I was a high tenor before T and now, at 1 year 8 months, I’m still a tenor, but my range is lower and a little less flexible - but I’m sure that’s because I’m still regaining control slowly and haven’t trained all of my falsetto back yet. My voice has changed enough that I pass at checkout counters and bus stops and parties. My boyfriend recently introduced me to his family and when he said “boyfriend” and a masculine name, because of my appearance and my new voice no one blinked twice.
Congrats on starting T, man, I’m happy for you! If you have any other questions feel free to pop in - though tumblr apparently doesn’t like to tell me when I have messages anymore haha. I’m always happy to help when I can. <3
As a trans man who's been on T for the better part of two years and has regular intercourse with a cis man, condom failure is terrifying. It is still not impossible for me to conceive, Plan B is now ineffective, and I don't have a period to miss so I essentially wouldn't know until the morning sickness started. It's a nightmare. So I have a Nexplanon implant. It's a non-estrogen birth control that lasts three years and comes as a plastic rod implanted under the skin of my bicep. Most of the time I don't notice it but it's still really weird and it hurts sometimes and I want a more permanent solution. There are exactly zero surgeons comfortable doing tubal ligation on me though. Why? Because I'm only twenty years old, and ~*~*I might change my miiiiind*~*~ Please. I've NEVER wanted children. I've known this since I was thirteen and it hasn't faltered once. I declined to have any of my eggs frozen when I first went on T. I have so many diseases and disorders that run in my family that I would honestly feel NEGLIGENT passing on to another person. And I have fibromyalgia! Pregnancy would be miserable torture for me! I don't know how many more compelling arguments I have to give them. My last hope is a surgeon who does a lot of hysterectomies on trans men whom I'm told may be sympathetic. I'm waiting for her email, but not holding my breath. And I hate this.
okay nsfw as fuck post about blowjobs move along if you want/need to
goddamn I just have to write about this somewhere holy shit holy SHIT dude so I recently had the good fortune of having a FreeTom Rogue with the paint upgrade essentially fall into my lap (ha ha ha shut up) and I showed it to my cis boyfriend today his first reaction was to give me this grin like he was gonna eat me alive and then start blowing me. and like. he did all those little things you do to dmab cocks - flicking his tongue at the head, swirling the tip around the frenulum, like all these little details that he knew I couldn't feel but did anyway and holy SHIT seeing my boyfriend deepthroat my cock was the hottest thing I've seen in my entire life (and he made sure to push it with his hand just right so I would get a little stimulation on my actual anatomy, but just visual was so good on its own I barely noticed I wasn't actually feeling anything until he started) he was really impressed with the realism, like the paint and the texture and the firmness and stuff, and when I took it out of my janky homemade packing harness to show him the testicles he held it in both hands and turned it gently, saying, "Someone put a lot of love into this." my dick is a work of art and my boyfriend is a blessing and I'm so happy right now
I hit one year on testosterone on December 5th, 2015. To commemorate this (a month and a half late lmao) I've put together a 'Milo Through The Ages' as it were. Sometimes, because I see my face every day, it takes going through selfies to really see what a difference I've made. And of course I've included pictures with makeup, because that's my JOB. (Ugh, I am so looking forward to the day I can wear a full face and still be read as male. I'll stop getting weird looks at my counter.) - November 10, 2014 (pre-T) - April 27, 2015 (4 months) - July 18, 2015 (7 months) - August 1, 2015 (8 months) - November 26, 2015 (11 months) - January 3, 2016 (13 months) - January 22, 2016 (13 months) dang I'm just happy
Testopel Round 2 Update
I had my first implants in September 2015. I got ten pellets in my left hip. (I say hip, but let's be real, they go quite squarely in the buttock. I have pellets in my ass.) I went in for bloodwork at months one and three, and my levels were pretty well maintained. After the initial soreness and bruising went away (a couple days) I felt fantastic. Testopel is so easily forgotten about! I didn't have to do anything daily, nothing weekly, I just went about my normal life and my body did the work for me. I'd honestly never felt so good. I love this. I had bloodwork done again last week and my T levels were down from where they were hovering in the mid 400s to just barely above 300, and my doctor recommended getting new pellets sometime this month. I called and Julie had an opening yesterday, so I just went! The worst part, by FAR, is the local anesthetic. It burns, man. I mean, I might be somewhat of a special case because it takes literally double the amount of lidocaine to numb me, but I digress. This second time around, since we knew about the double numbing, I didn't feel a thing. Last time I could very distinctly feel her cutting me open and putting the trocar needle in. This time I felt the little pumping motions of the pellets being popped through and was surprised because I didn't even know she'd cut me. It was quick, painless, and beautiful. Well. I say painless. Today it hurts like a bitch, but this isn't exactly a surprise. And I know it'll go away soon. Ugh, I truly cannot express how much I've been loving testopel. Compared to testim it's an absolute dream. I'm noticing my body continuing to change just as I was before, but now it feels more...genuine, I guess? I'm not sure if that's the right word, but you know what I mean. Unconscious, maybe. Involuntary. It doesn't feel like something I'm doing myself. I only have to worry about it every four months - I might even be able to get away with five - instead of a daily reminder that my second puberty is artificial. And of course I'm forever grateful to the Commonwealth of Massachusetts for requiring all state health insurance to cover trans care. I don't pay a single cent for my testopel, which is highly atypical and also highly fortunate because that shit is expensive. Apologies for this post being long and rambling and lacking any sort of cohesion - I'm writing while waiting to be called for jury service. And also under the influence of the tramadol I took this morning for pain. So like... I'll probably read through this later and cringe. Anyway. That's what's happening in my ass so far. It's pretty sweet.
I just used my last tube of Testim!
It was getting pretty inconvenient, so my doctor and I agreed that I should switch to Testopel, the implanted pellets. My insertion appointment is this Wednesday, and my doctor told me it's fine that I'm going two days without Testim - I had three tubes left, and it'd be pretty stupid to refill another box and just have 27 tubes lying around after. I'm really excited about using testopel. It lasts for like 4 months, so I can practically forget about it. And good lord, that'll feel so good. I just hope it works for me.
#Regram from @bee_uminski (she posted it 24 weeks ago) (I was shamelessly stalking her). I have struggled a lot in the past few years and vein at pageant again this year was exactly what I needed to be reminded of how much the Savior loves me, no matter what. He doesn’t love me despite or my flaws or because of them, he just loves me. Unconditionally. (at Hill Cumorah)
tmi vent post about my current personal life (read: love life) and how it relates to 1) my transition and 2) my past as a survivor
so like okay 3 basic things:
1. I have been on T for 7 months now
2. I’m poly, and have two partners with whom I am very, very happy, one agender dfab and the other cis male
3. in september of 2011, my then-boyfriend and his best friend tried to rape me. they didn’t realize it would have been rape, as they thought my struggling and constant stream of ‘no, fuck off’ was just being coy. yeah, no. i don’t remember what got them to stop, but they did, and therefore i refer to myself as a survivor of sexual assault, but not of rape.
ANYWAY.
after almost four years, i’ve found myself comfortable enough to have sex again. and over the course of the last two weeks i’ve... i’ve had a LOT of sex. the dfab partner is 900 miles away back home until september, so it’s been with the cisdude partner, which is even mORE surprising to me. and tbh i think the T has a lot to do with it.
1. i’ve stopped menstruating. the one thing that kept reminding me of my femininity is gone, and it’s freed up a lot of bottom dysphoria.
2. T increases sex drive - everyone knows this. i’ve certainly been masturbating more, at any rate.
3. unlike my dickhead ex, he truly does see me as male. he once told me, “You are not mine to control or own, but you are my pretty boy. Thinking of you as anything else is about as ridiculous as thinking of you as a sentient head of cabbage.” he admires my arms and shoulders as they grow, and he smiles when he notices texture on my face, and he makes fun of me when my voice cracks. my dickhead ex outed me as trans to his friends before i even met them. he referred to me as ‘both male and female’. with him, sex was very much something done TO me rather than WITH me.
4. cisdude is simultaneously one of the most respectful, kind, patient, and understanding people I know, and the absolute KINKIEST person i know. and i’ve kind of noticed that the two have a high correlation, y’know, just as a general trend. the kinksters who know what they’re doing all seem to be marvelously respectful people. before we started sleeping together (like, a week or more before, before it’d been indicated that i was even near ready), he asked me what i’d like him to call my genitals. i said that i wasn’t sure because i thought all words would just sound silly and inaccurate, so he kind of led the way on that one and just decided to refer to everything down there as a whole as my cock. and... it’s pretty hot.
MAJOR SEXYTIME TMI AHEAD
he refers to oral sex as ‘sucking my cock’, he tells me how he daydreams about having me ‘come down his throat’, when he touches me he marvels at how ‘hard’ i am. he’s very consistent tbh, except when there’s no other option (because really, referring to a g-spot as a prostate would just be a bit much). and whenever he touches me he always tells me what a ‘good boy’ i am. (we do good boy/Sir kind of intermittently so that’s not as weird as it sounds. a lot of the time i respond with, “damn right, i am,” because when i am a submissive, i am a mouthy one.) i honestly have no idea how he does it, but i’m so comfortable with him that i actually asked him to fuck me. and afterward he asked me if i was okay, and made sure i had what i needed, and kept telling me what a good boy i am.
END OF MAJOR SEXYTIME TMI
5. though this is seriously an EXCELLENT development as far as i’m concerned, because i was only functionally ace and still very much experienced sexual desire, there’s actually quite a bit of guilt involved?? when dfab partner and i first got together i straight up told her that i wouldn’t be able to have sex, or at least not for a really long time. she was amazingly understanding about it and told me that as long as i could kiss her (which i could and definitely wanted to, like, all the time) she’d be happy. and now here i am happily fucking cisdude. rationally i know that it’s 100% bad timing, as cisdude and i only started kissing about a week before she left (before that we were just cuddlefriends), and he’s been able to help me heal quite a lot more than i’d ever expected. she’s been here for me emotionally even while she’s been away, and she’s mentioned that she is actually a bit jealous of cisdude, but it’s only because he can be here for me physically and she can’t, and she wants to be. she’s amazing and i can’t express that properly with any english words i know of and i can’t tell her enough. i do think she’s beautiful, and i do find her incredibly sexy, and i kind of feel like i keep having to remind her of this (even though i know that she knows). the timing was TERRIBLE. and when she comes back i’ll be housebound after knee surgery and locked in a leg brace, which will kinda hinder physical intimacy. still, i can’t wait to give her her birthday present (homemade cheesecake and lots and lots of orgasms, because i’m broke and giving people you love orgasms is free).
my aesthetic is soft anachronism
transition update: 6 months on T, 2.5 months since my gym opened, and I have these tiny little pistols :D
goddamn it I thought I was done with this shit (menstruation TW)
I’ve been on T for about 6.5 months, and pretty solidly amenorrheic since January.
whoops, I’m spotting again. this is the second time in three weeks. god-fucking-dammit. I spoke to my doctor and she said this is normal at this stage in the game, or at least it isn’t unheard of, but it can be brought on specifically by penetration or orgasm.
...so basically my choices are continue with awful, particularly invalidating dysphoria, or stop masturbating.
fuck.
so I got bored and I picked up my MAC palette and I did a thing
so wow i am the worst at updating this
anyway yeah so some things to jot down
i’m using he/him and tentatively identifying as a gender non-conforming ftm
i just purchased a nude underworks tri top with express shipping because no matter what happens, i AM going to the gym this friday (there’s been some craziness with my gym location’s grand opening date)
my plan for the gym, y’see, is to shower, towel off enough to put the binder on still in the stall, and then have my towel around me and put my underwear on beneath it like any other guy would do. and if anyone asks, it’s a medical brace bc my back is fucked up or something
or, y’know, since it’s a planet fitness, i could always just say “i’m transgender”. any PF regular should surely have heard about the trans woman in michigan
basically yeah i’m very unhappy with how i look right now so instead of moping in my skin i’m gonna just go and fucking change it
i’m almost 4 months on T and my psychiatrist says my voice sounds lower, idk though, but in terms of appearance i’m definitely in an awkward in-between stage with literally everything
i am beginning to grow a happy trail of actual, coarse, body-hair-textured hairs!
it’s less of a happy trail and more of a mildly amused trail tbh
still nothing more than a milk mustache on my face, i check obsessively. acne also worse (but that’s bc i’ve been slacking with my face wash) but it’s concentrated mostly around my chin?? foreshadowing????
my body is apparently a narrative work of fiction now alllllllllrighty then
anyway yeah so that’s that
i keep forgetting to update this goddamn blog
- I haven't used a women's public restroom at work ONCE!
- I pass at work like probably 30% of the time tbh I keep forgetting to try that "speak from your chest" thing that that one trans guy made a video about
- my skin is clearing up significantly so that's nice
- I see myself every day, so I don't really notice changes, but my mum says my shoulders are broader. I bought a sweater that has some stripes around the shoulders that creates the illusion of broad shoulders, and I showed it to my mum, but she'd seen me that morning before I got dressed and she was like "your shoulders are broader already, kid"
- I have a binder that gets me to zERO and I think my breasts have gotten smaller (I haven't checked) but either way it's great
- last entry I mentioned I was like 75% sure my period had stopped. now I'm like 90% sure.
three very exciting and also very TMI updates
1. I'm like 75% sure my period has stopped!
2. I think my body hair is growing in darker??? I've always been pale pale blond, but as my (I'm gonna say it) pubes spread out into the unknown territory of my thighs they're distinctly not-blond. I shaved them all off this morning to see what grows back, because what was already there was the reddish-blond I'm used to. Aw man, if I end up with dark facial hair... [not sure if thrilled]
3. I found smegma today.
Dick cheese.
Cleaning it was the most excruciating thing I've ever done. I'm gonna be wearing loose pj pants until I have to leave the house.
binary so real the opposite of cats is dogs
now that I've started using he/him pronouns alongside they/them, people are actually correcting themselves when they misgender me. people are making an effort the way they never did before.
hrmmmmmmmm.
