this app is such a time capsule for me. so many bad memories, so many good, so much growth has occured since i went on here daily for escape, inspiration, community, looking for meaning and solace. damn. my emotions are gratittude and pride rn. love to see it.
life update wise time, this year, my little sister, newly18, moved in. I spent many weeks planning for, shopping for, and building her dream bedroom, full of bookshelves, fairylights, art, her first double bed, and even a window seat that I handmade using my growing tool collection, and i feel really good and warm about that. While i didn’t move out of home myself until i was sure she’d be safe, I was still worried for her. So its just good to be able to watch over her and keep guiding her through life n healing from the the scars of our childhood. I’m very grateful that my partner and I can provide her with a safe loving home environment to live out the rest of her teens. Especially given the housing and rental market these days. Having a the level of housing security we have is also just something i’ll truly never take for granted.
I guess thats another thing I’m proud of this year. I’ve put so much blood, sweat and tears into making this house a home, I’ve taught myself so many skills from plumbing, tiling, plastering, carpentry, landscaping and how to use countless power tools. I’ve taken sledge hammers to walls, I’ve pulled up flooring and replaced it, I’ve trimmed out doors, I’ve hung doors, I’ve built cabinets and cabinet doors even benchtops from scratch, I’ve built so many bookshelves and painted so many walls, I’ve reupholstered, I’ve made and hung curtains, I’ve just taught myself so many skills and shown so much determination and pluck in the face of adveristy. I’ve pulled mutiple 80hr work weeks to finish projects I thought would be a simple weekend job. I’ve truly put my heart into this house and I am just so impressed with myself. True, I look around me now and see 101 unfinished projects, but I’ve progressed things so far, and for the first time ever in my life i’ve let myself really see my adhd as something to work with not against and the results have been astounding....
Relationship wise. no doubt about it. i am in deep. I used to think that deep love like this wasnt real or sustainable. or that it meant a type of unhealthy enmeshment. but i think ive realised, as scary as it is, u do just gotta be vulnerable, you’ve got to let them guards down to let someone in, to let yourself be cared for, to care for another, and i’ve never felt love like this before. every year that passes i feel closer to him than ever before. i dont believe in one off soul mates, yet our connection does feel like whatever people are getting at when they use that word. wild times.
Overall checkin wise, I’m starting to feel more like my old self, or should i say my young self, that young girl who used to be full of energy, love and cheek. And that’s something I never would’ve imagined was possible. It really does get better... when you put the work in and find good people to surround yourself with, when u work thru your trauma with a therapist, when u have a partner whos willing to learn and grow with you, who serves as a corrective experience, as a model of secure attachment, age old wounds can begin to heal...
anyway, its nippy outside rn and i just feel the biggest urge to go for a walk in a wide open field, climb to the peak, and yell into the wind. so imma go do that.