“I just - I like songs about love,” he breathed a laugh, like it was the dumbest answer he could give. But really, songs about love were his favorite because they had just so much meaning behind them, and that’s just the only way that he knew how to explain.
“I guess that’s a good enough answer,” Dean smiled and pulled Cas closer by his wrist, fingers moving to hold his hand as he pressed his lips to his palm, still smiling. He gently kissed along Cas’ palm, eyes watching him the entire time, and Cas swallowed thickly, fingers twitching.
“But I can’t help falling in love with you,” he sang softly, almost a whisper, and Cas could feel his cheeks going red; he felt almost giddy
The sun slid out, glaring off of Cas’ back and then shadowing again.
Something upset Dean about it; the way Cas stood, so far off, his hands held so simply against his body. Dean wanted to ask him to come back, to walk toward him, but he was so fixated on the ocean that Dean nearly regretted bringing him.
Turn around, he wanted to say. Let me see you. Yell again. But he couldn’t.
“What?” Dean whispered, and Cas opened his eyes.
“When you’re afraid, just think of me,” Cas said, knowing that wasn’t what he had said the first time, “Just think of that day at the beach. I’ll be there.”
“You got that picture?” Dean said, and Cas nodded.
“You look at it every day,” Dean’s voice caught, and he swallowed. “Look at it every day, alright? You look at it every single day, don’t let one day go by without looking at it, and I’ll be looking right back at you…”
~
Cas threw himself forward and wrapped his arms around Dean’s neck, and he didn’t care who saw them. Actually, he wanted everyone to see them. He wanted everyone to see how much he loved Dean, and how much he missed him, and if anyone didn’t like, then they could just turn the other way. He melted against Dean when he felt arms wrap around him, Dean pressing his face into his hair, fingers bunching into his sweater.
“I missed you so much,” Cas sobbed, pressing closer to Dean, and Dean hushed him, held him tighter.
“It’s okay. I’m home now, it’s okay.” He looked around at the people whispering and loosened his grip.
A strange broken cry wrestled its way up, and Cas dizzily bent forward, his heartbeat pounding in his ears.
“You don’t mean it,” he said to no one. “Don’t do this. Dean, please,”
He waited for the door to open, for Dean’s boots to stumble heavily in, to hear him rustle through the cabinets for a glass of water, but there was nothing. The silence ate up his voice and Cas clutched at his own body, biting his tongue as the sobs shook through him.
Dean stopped, his face still screwed up in anger.
“He’s dying, Dean.” There was a break in Gabriel’s voice. “He’s very sick.”
“You’re lying,” he hissed, “You’re lying. You’re pissed at me because we were lovers – that I was queer for your brother, and now you’re trying to punish me, aren’t you? Listen, I don’t have the time for these sick pranks. I’ve got work to do, so fuck off!”
Gabriel didn’t say anything for several seconds.
“I’m so glad…” Cas said softly, his voice nothing more than a sigh. His chest rose and struggled, and then fell. “I’m so glad. I’m so glad you came…”
Dean blinked, but the tears kept coming.
He didn’t know. He hadn’t known. No one had told him.
“I should have come sooner,” he said shakily.
Cas squeezed weakly again.
“Don’t cry,” he whispered. “I’m so happy… don’t cry…I don’t want you to cry.”
“…I’m happy…because you kept your promise.”
“I haven’t kept anything, Cas, I let you go. I let this happen to you – I…” His mouth wouldn’t make words anymore.
“…oh, Dean,” he began, “…you …finally came home…to me.”
"Promise me..” he whispered, and Dean nodded, leaning closer. “You’ll…live…your life.”
“Don’t talk like that, please,” he pleaded. He didn’t want to hear it right now. He didn’t want Cas to lecture him on how he should live his life after he died. He just didn’t want to think about how, maybe, in the next few days, that Cas wouldn’t be here anymore and Dean would have to return back home without him.
Dean pulled back from his mouth, and Cas gasped again, his hand shaking where it held onto Dean.
“I never stopped loving you,” Dean said. “Even – even when…”
Dean kissed him, and kissed him, and kissed him.
“Wise men say,” he began, “only fools rush in…” He slid his hand to Cas’ lap, closing it around Cas’ cold fingers.
“But I can’t help-” Cas jerked, gasping, hand scrambling at nothing. His eyes were wide and unseeing, and his legs twitched. Dean stared at the wall, holding him tightly, “I-I can’t help, falling in love, with you.”
There was a terrible sound. He sucked in air and it churned in his chest, the noise thick and wet, and when he exhaled it hissed, like waves crashing against rocks, like the tide slithering back towards the sea.
“Whenever you’re scared…”
Cas stopped breathing entirely.
~
No, I love him,” he said weakly. “I love him.” He pushed back against Tessa, his legs shaking. “You don’t – you don’t understand,” he tried again, but no one was listening. “That’s – that’s my baby,” he whimpered, “please, that’s my baby.”
“God, Jesus,” Dean, wept, his knees buckling under him. “I love him -”
To have those memories back is such a precious thing. To have that part of you back with me – it’s unimaginable. I was thinking about shells, and I was thinking about that day at the beach and I can remember sitting on the blanket looking at the water, and you asked me what I was thinking.
I was thinking about how afraid I was that I was never going to love you as much as I did then. That the moment was going to get washed out, that I would never be able to experience what it was like to know that I loved you as much as I did again…
Once, you told me it didn’t seem right to say goodbye. Not really.
I thought I’d have to – I thought I’d have to let go of everything I loved about you, but I don’t, and you were right, and wouldn’t you be pleased with yourself to know.
The truth of it has never been clearer to me, my darling.
And you are, always, my darling.
He rolled the pencil in his fingers and then carefully brought it down, hesitating a moment before he finally wrote two words on the top line.
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