It’s in the fucking middle of the night and all I can to is listing to the sound of the crickets outside and clutching my stuffed animal harder than I’ve ever hugged my mum. My breathing is ragged and my heart feels like it’s going to explode out of my chest any minute now. I feel so sleepy, but I can’t let my eyelids drop.
It’s only been a few weeks since I lost you forever, or actually that’s not true. You see, you don’t lose someone the moment they walk away and let you standing there, alone, with your heart out in the open and all your feelings and desires, and no one to put you back together again but yourself. No, most of the times you lose them long before that. And the worst thing is that you probably knew it was over a long time ago already, but you kept lying to yourself, convincing yourself that in the end the two of you were still meant to be, that God would hear your prayers and give you that happy ending you were destined to have. I know I did.
And now you’re left with nothing, just a tearstained face, a pillow with mascara smeared all over it and that stuffed animal that reminds you of a memory with him. You can’t turn to anyone you see, sure your mum will nodd sympathetically, but you can’t help but notice that ‘I told you so’ look in her eyes, because she told you he was bad news all along. And your friends will hug you, but two hours later they will decide that you need to get over him and set you up with another random guy. But they don’t get that you don’t want to get over him, all you want is to have him back. I know I do.
And sure you’ll try to distract yourself with another guy you think is cute, even better… he reminds you of him. It will make you forget about him for just a second, and honestly… that’s all you need. But when that fling is over, you cry again, not because you lost that guy you met at the pool, no, but because now you can’t help but think of him during every second of the day again. I know I do.
And when it’s late and you are so tired you have to fight to stay awake, you are afraid to fall asleep. Because you know you will only dream about him and in that dream he will kiss you and hold you in his arms again and during the dream you spend all the time figuring out whether it is reality or a dream. And at last you realise that it must be real, there is no other explanation. But then you wake up and it hurts so much, that you feel like every bone in your body is crushed, and you will whisper his name, but what’s the use… he will never come back. And that’s why you’re so scared to fall asleep, you terrified of the dreams you’ll have. That’s why you stay up 'till 5 a.m. every morning, when your exhausted body can’t take it anymore. At least, I know I do.
blakekathryn
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annaxmalina
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