Today's Document
tannertan36
Sade Olutola
YOU ARE THE REASON
Not today Justin
dirt enthusiast
Monterey Bay Aquarium
Peter Solarz
No title available
JVL
Andulka
No title available
ojovivo
Xuebing Du
pixel skylines
hello vonnie
let's talk about Bridgerton tea, my ask is open
we're not kids anymore.
Origami Around
Keni
seen from France
seen from Greece
seen from Singapore
seen from United States
seen from Malaysia
seen from United States
seen from Singapore
seen from Australia
seen from Türkiye
seen from United Arab Emirates
seen from Armenia
seen from Germany
seen from United States
seen from Germany
seen from United States
seen from France
seen from Saudi Arabia
seen from United States
seen from United Kingdom
seen from Singapore
@pro-ranter
Vaguebookers
Hey, here's a thought: If you don't actually want to talk about something on facebook, don't post vague attention-seeking statuses about how you're hurt or your life sucks, blah, blah, blah. Either dish the details, or keep it to yourself. I'd love to hear your dirty laundry, but if you're expecting sympathy for your case of generic suck, you're barking up the wrong tree.
A for Effort
Pro tip: Don't post about your good grades on facebook.
Contrary to what you may think, it doesn't make you look smart. It makes you look, at best, like an average student who tries really hard and got lucky this semester. You see, if you did well all the time, you wouldn't get so excited about it. If something happens all the time, you don't feel the need to tell people. So by posting about your A, A+ or 4.0 gpa, you're basically telling people this is a rare occurrence to be celebrated. Besides, the people who don't do well in school, they don't want to hear about it. They now hate you for bragging about what they can't do. The people who do well in school consistently, they're not impressed by your grades. They now hate you because if they posted about all their A+s, they would be judged as arrogant braggers. You can't win. Keep your grades to yourself unless someone asks ... and let's face it, they probably won't, so just learn to be satisfied with your own success quietly.
What's the nicest way to say, 'Actually, you're not invited.'?
Get... Out... Of... My... Way!!
Cause of the Month Club
I know, in my post "Repost this Status Update", I told you I didn't mind if you had a pet cause. That is still true. What I do mind, is if you have a whole freakin' zoo!
I do so hate when my facebook newsfeed is spammed with endless reposts of this week's popular cause. Cancer awareness, Kony 2012, the latest horrific government policy changes ... If you've been reading my blog, you're probably already thinking, "Yeah, but she's just a heartless bitch who doesn't care about anything." Now you may be mostly right, but don't get me wrong ... I think cancer is terrible, evil warlords should be punished, and the government, well, don't even get me started. It's great to be aware of what is happening in the world, and many of the 'causes of the month' are more than worthy of support. But you are kidding yourself if you think that you can support every cause that comes along in a meaningful way. And by the way, posting about it on your facebook status ... not meaningful.
Now I'm certainly not Susie Optimist, but if you insist on wanting to make the world a better place, let me give you some advice:
Find something you believe in strongly. Find one issue you want to change and put your back into it; donate your time and your money to making the world better in that one little way; get involved; do some actual service and not just lip service.
When you're raising money to run in a marathon for cancer research, then you can post about it. When you've organized a rally protesting the use of child soldiers, then you post about it. When you're sending a letter or petition to the government about their flawed policies, then you can post about it. If you want to make the world (not to mention my newsfeed) a better place, stop posting and start doing.
If I wasn't such a stalker, there are plenty of people I would delete off my facebook. First, there is the harmless group; the ones who barely ever update their statuses, they don't comment on yours, they don't create events or post on people's wall. For all intents and purposes, they don't really exist.
Then there's the busybodies; the ones who insist on poking their nose in your facebook business despite the fact that you never speak in real life. These are the people who don't seem to grasp the concept that facebook friends are NOT REAL FRIENDS. I only accepted your friend request so that I could occasionally stalk your page, on the off chance that something interesting is happening in your life, NOT so that you could make unsolicited comments on my status that force me to pretend that I give a crap what you think. Here's a general rule for you, if you comment/post/message me repeatedly and this behaviour is never reciprocated, you might consider keeping your thoughts to yourself. Clearly, I understand the desire to facebook stalk people, but if you could do it quietly, that would be fantastic.
Finally, there are the people who initiated this post in the first place. The people to who the above image is dedicated. Not unlike the people referenced in my post "Repost This Status Update", these are the people who take themselves WAY too seriously. They feel like they have some sort of almighty control over what other people say, simply because it has been said on their comment feed, and heaven forbid you should disagree with them. Well, I have a newsflash for you ... it is a free frickin' country and much like the people in the 'busybody' group can say whatever the hell they want on my status (while I politely live with it - with the exception of this blog), people can also say whatever they hell they want on yours. And here's another newsflash for you: the more you try to tell people what to do and say, they more they are going to give you a giant middle finger by doing the exact opposite. This is what most people refer to as "messing with you", but tragically, you fall into the category of people who can't take a joke. So you end up taking everything personally and coming off like a giant facebook bitch. I would delete you people in a heartbeat if it wasn't for all the stupid things you do that I can blog about.
"I'm sorry, what did you say? I couldn't hear you over the sound of your hands on me!"
You can hear me on the radio ...
Look, if I want song lyrics, I will turn on the radio. I don't need them in your facebook status! There are one of two possible outcomes here:
I know the song. In which case, when I read your status I'm probably hearing the lyrics in context of the actual song with music, where they are likely not as deep in meaning as your status would like them to appear. You now seem like a pretentious tool.
I don't know the song. In which case, when I read your status it probably doesn't sound anything like you and is likely overly contemplative and rather vague. It only takes me about 5 seconds to realize you stole this line from someone else and clearly can't compose your own original thoughts. You now seem like a pretentious tool.
Hmm ... I guess when you look at it that way, it's really only one possible outcome. Well that simplifies things doesn't it?
Repost this Status Update
It seems that everyone has their own pet cause, that issue that is near and dear to their heart. Now this may come as a surprise, but that is actually completely fine by me. You can support whatever cause you want ... just don't expect me to jump on the bandwagon.
Chances are, whatever your cause is, I just don't care. I have my own issues, my own friends and family to worry about, and plenty of irritations that affect my life directly, I really don't need to borrow any from anyone else. I simply don't have the emotional capacity to care about orphaned children, people with cancer, abused animals or the homeless. And do you know what is NOT going to make me care more ... posting about it in your facebook status. People are not friends with you on facebook so that they can learn from your status that 1 in every three people has or knows someone who has autism and subsequently be berated into copying your useless statistic into their own status to perpetuate the irritation on to their own friends.
Did you know that over half the world's population take themselves too seriously? These people suffer from a lack of sense of humor and often come off as pompous and arrogant. Many sufferers come off as judgmental, particularly when someone makes light of a "serious situation". They are unfairly tagged as "slow" when they don't laugh at people's jokes, when really they are just stringent and self-centered. If you've ever known someone who has been afflicted with humorlessness, copy and paste this as your status. Ninety percent of people will not repost this status because they feel that what they have to say is more significant. Be one of the 10% supporting sarcasm awareness week!
Sometimes I really hate happy people. It's not that I don't want other people to be happy ... It's that I don't want other people to be happy with things that I want but don't have. Is that really too much to ask for?
How Our Relationship Sounds in my Head
New person: Hey, I know your one acquaintance. We're pretty tight so I'm gonna try to befriend their friends, who also happen to be your friends. I probably won't really get to know you though.
Me: Ooookay. Does it look like a want to get to know you?
New person: Maybe a little, but that's probably only because you wish you were better friends with our mutual acquaintance. But I have a newsflash for you, he's MY friend now.
Me: Um, can you just crawl back into the hole you came from?
New person: Um, no. Actually I think I'm going to become friends with as many of your friends as possible. In particular, I'm going to take over your best friend - hang out with them, blog about them, and take over their facebook wall.
Me: Wow, are you desperate much? Btw, you laugh like a horse.
New person: I'm sooo not desperate. And I know I have a unique laugh; MY new friends will find it endearing I'm sure.
Me: I need a drink. Seriously ... go AWAY!
New person: Actually, I think I'm going to pretend to go away for a bit so you think you're rid of me, but then I'm gonna come back stronger than ever.
Me: Shit, shit, shit!
It's not just me right? We all know this person, who shows up out of nowhere that you really don't like, but they befriend all your friends and you're stuck with them. And they make you feel all paranoid like they're trying to replace you. Why can't these people get their own friends and just go away!
Happy Birthday
Further evidence that the human race is essentially without common sense:
People who write "Happy Birthday to so-and-so" in their own facebook status. What we have here is one of two options, either
So-and-so has their own facebook account. In which case your well wishes belong on their wall and not in your own status, and you just look like a moron who doesn't know where to type to make proper facebook posts OR
So-and-so does not have a facebook account. In which case they will never see your well-meaning status update, and the fact that you are run entirely by your emotions and have no natural sense of logic whatsoever causes you to post the status anyway in a vain attempt to seem like a thoughtful person who cares about other people and the anniversary of the day they were shoved violently from the womb.
In either case, well done you. You have accomplished nothing except making people like me despise your very existence. Needless to say, don't bother checking my status update for a Happy Birthday from me on your special day.
Story of my life ... at least once a week.
Congratulations
I hate having to pretend to be happy for coworkers who get engaged. Basically I want to see (read: judge) the ring and that is the extent of my interest. I of course say the perfunctory 'congratulations' and 'that's so exciting', but all I really want to say is ...
Look, I hope you enjoy the next 6 months to a year where you feel like the world revolves around you. You can get your friends to do things for you that they would never otherwise do. You spend a truckload of money on a giant party for yourself. You get to spend months deciding what you want, what you like and making decisions about essentially trivial things that make you think people actually care about your opinion. NEWSFLASH: all those people really care about is what they are getting from you. At the end of it all, you'll have a big expensive white dress that will never be worn again, an empty bank account and a bunch of people who go back to not giving a crap about what you want, including one you are now married to (ok, they may at least keep up the ruse for a few years).
But nobody wants to hear that. That would be bursting the little fantasy bubble that deliriously happy people like to live in. Well, pardon me for being a realist. One day you'll all admit that I was right.
And don't even get me started on the "honeymoon years"...
TV Leech
Why is it that someone who changes the channel every 2 minutes when they have the remote control, can stare intently for a seemingly endless length of time over my shoulder at whatever it is I'm watching on tv? I mean, really? You're going to just stand there, not even sit, but stand, and stare over my shoulder so I can practically feel your eyes boring a hole right through my personal space bubble. Then you're going to ask questions about what's going on in a show you only ever watch over my shoulder, so that I have to rewind what I missed while you were yammering away at me! And half the time, you don't even like the show I'm watching!!
Be Like Nike
Does it seems counterintuitive to anyone else that people complain in their facebook statuses about not having enough time to get things done? Here's a crazy thought: Get off facebook and get to work. Nobody feels bad for you; we're all busy people. Stuff the whining (ironic, I know) and JUST DO IT!
