Why Warlock is the Objectively Best Class - A Critique on Every Class in Dungeons and Dragons
I will be listing the reasons why every class is bad, what strong points it has, and why it is inferior to the Warlock class.
Barbarian - The barbarian is a relatively simple class, and basically “Hit it until it dies”. There’s definitely some room for creative choices, but the class itself is rather bland unless you find magic items or you spec in a weird way.
Bard - The bard, along with the warlock, is one of the two classes that will destroy campaigns singlehandely at least once in your life. While the bard typically goes for the route of “talk your way out of everything”, the Warlock’s route is “criminal your way out of everything” which has many more options. You can kill the guy, frame him, rob him, etc. when in a sticky situation, while the bard is limited by his ability to talk.
Cleric - Clerics serve gods rather than making deals with gods. Tell me, who gets the better end of that deal? The god that gives a few of his powers in exchange for downright servitude, or the god that offers powers in exchange for a simple contract telling the user to carry out the god’s will? Plus, when you think cleric, you think healing, whereas when you think warlock, you think badass evil wizard. ‘Nuff said.
Druid - Treehugging know-it-alls can’t even hold a torch to the awe-inspiring power of the warlock. If you go a natural route as a druid with vines and trees, you’re weak to fire, one of the most common things in the DnD universe (what with wizards, sorcerers, and warlocks running amok). If you choose to be a furry instead, you have versatility, but there’s a reason tigers and such aren’t commonly seen today. Anyone with moderate combat training (which is almost as common as fire) and a good set of armor / weapons (common among adventurers) can beat up nearly any animal that a druid of similar level shapeshifts into.
Fighter - The fighter is probably the most versatile class, with archetypes ranging from the sellsword to the spellsword. You can have a nimble, speedy fighter, or you can have a goliath fighter donned in a huge set of armor that just yeets any foes. You know what other class is versatile? The warlock. Yeah, you can beat me up, but what if I just open this portal and summon M̸̀͝Y̷̨͠͝͡ ̸̸̕P̸̧̧̢͢Ą͘Ţ͟R͠͞O̷͟Ń͘ ҉̧̡̨͠Ǵ̶̛͜O̸̢̢͟D̀̀͢͜͠ ̷̛Y̢͞͡͞O̶̵͢͠G͟͡'̶̵̨S̢͠͏͜O̸̢̧T̨̧͡H̀͢ƠT̶̢̨̛͡H̷͏̨ and just vaporize you instantly? You might ask “what about a warlock that isn’t that powerful?” Well, in that case, they can just cast Eldritch Blast every three seconds while running away because fighters need close range. If you’re fighting a fighter that uses ranged weapons, or a speedier fighter, just use your highest level spell slots and they’ll fall like twigs. The dexterity required to run circles around an opponent or fire a bow comes with an inverse correlation with protection.
Monk - As if a warlock could ever lose to a monk. Monk is the dumbest D&D class, hands down. Like, seriously. You hear of evil bards looking to seduce everything in sight, druids corrupted by the demonic taint of the land they’re in, fighters that simply wish to earn a quick buck with your death, clerics and paladins tainted and corrupted by evil magic, bloodthirsty barbarians, crazy wizards and sorcerers, evil thieving rogues, and warlocks that wish to take over the world. But when’s the last time you’ve heard of a monk villain? That’s right, never. Let’s look at other media franchises with monk classes. Diablo 3 has monks, but they’re painfully terrible, using their fists at first level (and later levels in some builds). Compare that to the necromancer, who summons bones from the ground at first level, or the wizard, who shoots missiles of arcane. Want another example? Warcraft. The three “specs” (for those who don’t play Warcraft, this is basically the three unique playstyles of the class) are Brewmaster, a tank that uses beer to take hits, Windwalker, a class that uses the air sometimes I guess but mainly uses their fists, and the Mistweaver, which uses soothing mists to heal their friends. Yeah, even in a game like Warcraft, that makes no sense. You’re telling me that by drinking beer, I can survive hits from raid bosses like Ragnaros, ruler of the Plane of Fire? Yeah, chug down a few beers and jump into a volcano, tell me how that goes. The other specs aren’t much better. Windwalker uses fists and legs, rarely using weapons at all. I highly doubt that even as trained as you are that you’ll be able to kill someone as fast as a guy with a gun (such as the Hunter). Mistweaver makes about as much sense as Brewmaster. Are you telling me that if I spray someone with Febreze it’ll cure their wounds? “Ah, yeah, found how to cure my patient’s bronchitis. Let me just spritz their lungs a few times”. The warlock may use magic and stuff, but at least it makes sense with the rules of the DnD universe. The monks are the laughingstocks of all the base DnD races, and that’s for good reason. Screw monk.
Paladin - Paladins are like fighter clerics. They worship gods, but have the same problems as clerics (with weaker spells) and don’t have the versatility of fighters. Honestly, paladins are kinda dumb, almost as dumb as monks. Seriously, who even designed that dumb class? It was in the game since THIRD EDITION. Meanwhile, the Warlock got into the game in 4e. Are you kidding? Wizards of the Coast, this baffles me. You can’t seriously believe that some shirtless guy with fists and discount Jesus deserves inclusion over a class who gets their power through a demonic pact. Honestly, if Monk is still in 6e whenever that comes out, I’m going to be very upset. The class has no redeeming features, yet despite having two chances to cut the dumb idiot out, the monk continues to stay in the game.
Ranger - The ranger was one of the five core classes in AD&D 1e, along with the fighter, thief, magic-user and… oh fuck this.
Rogue - Turns out, the Monk was in the game since first edition and my 3e source was wrong. This is the dumbest thing ever. The sorcerer wasn’t in the game yet, the barbarian wasn’t in the game yet, Druid was still a subclass of Cleric, there were only around seven races, and there wasn’t a warlock yet. Hell, in Dragon Magazine 53 a D&D fan named Philip Meyers argued that the Monk was the weakest class;
“Of all the character classes in the AD&D™ game, the class of monks is the most difficult to qualify for. A monk must have exceptional strength, wisdom, and dexterity, and — if he or she wishes to survive for very long — constitution. The odds of rolling up such a character, even using the various “cheating methods” listed in the Dungeon Masters Guide, are not favorable. Given this, one would expect a monk to be a powerful character indeed. At first glance this would appear to be true. The Grand Master of Flowers can reasonably claim to be the most powerful fighter around, able to inflict 128 points of damage in a single round. This superiority, however, is more theoretical than real. In actual practice, the monk is the weakest of the character classes, not the strongest.“ - Dragon Magazine #53
This is downright insulting. They gave the monk overpowered abilties (128 damage in a round!!!!) and still the class was absolutely terrible, just like it is now. When’s the last time you heard of a monk that bards told tales about? Of the five DnD 1e classes, which of the five is not one of the four main archetypes in popular culture?
Sorcerer - Hell, why would the monks even have the abilities they had? Clerics make sense, they have faith healings which originate in the real world. Bards are a stretch, but the idea of a song inspiring someone isn’t anything new. But fucking MONKS lived in monasteries in medieval England, and that’s what they’re most known for. What would a realistic monk have the ability to do in D&D? The ability to copy things from a book quickly? Oh, wait, the Printing Press kinda fixed the need to do that. Good party trick, I suppose. The ability to form a self sufficient house with multiple members? Alright, but you’ll need a lot of money, a lot of other people, and slaves. Did I mention monks were slaveowners? And they pretend to be a good force of light or whatever.
Wizard - Wizards learn with books, warlocks don’t need to learn, they have patrons. Guess what other class reads a lot? Monks. Except they don’t get the cool benefits of Wizards, they just get “closer to god” or whatever. Unfortunately for you, MONKS, the D&D world isn’t your monotheistic fantasy world of Jesus. There’s multiple gods, and they’ll kick your god’s ass in a fight.
(Sidenote about that last paragraph, I’m making fun of monks in the D&D world, not real Christians, and I don’t intend to be hating anyone for their religious views)
So I hope all of you liked my writeup! Sorry it took so long, it was hard trying to find objective reasons for a lot of these (and I had to rewrite the Druid class a lot of the time to avoid calling them “vegan pieces of shit” which is a lot harder than it sounds). Anyway, choose Warlock the next time you make a new character.
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